My two minds. TW possibly...
So I need to express what is going on in my head to those who may be able to offer words of advice to overcome one side...
So here goes...
I am moving home tomorrow and this has bought a lot of excitement and apprehension. I get to see people and my city that I haven't seen in 8 months. But it also means that I am now under the watchful eye of my mum and old ballet tutors.
So one side of me wants them to see how sick I am. This part wants them to make me eat, to hear that I am not well and I can't see it but am far too thin. This part wants to get my life back and to be made to eat.
However there is such a strong side of me that wants to do everything in my power to make them believe I am eating enough so that Incan continue to lose until I know that I am sick enough. This side of me makes me believe that until something happens that shows I can't do this to myself anymore I can't start recovering.
These two sides of me fight all day one minute I catch a glimpse of myself and know that I need to gain and in an instant I have turned into a very normal looking person who no one would ever suspect eating issues.
This continues to me seeing my therapist again. One side yes do it! She will get you back on track. The other no! You musn't what if she admits you then you will have to get fat.
I just don't have the mental energy to shut either side up. This is just too exhausting.
So those who have started recovery how did you block out your destructive side and listen to what is real?
I know what you´re talking about... especially if I skip meals my head is like "taken over" by ED-thoughts. I cannot give you advice because I need some myself - but you should know you´re not alone about this.
I would say that there are not 2 sides of 'you', but just one real you - the one wanting to get well, and let your Mum and tutors help you achieve that, and the other voice is not you at all, but the evil ED that has controlled and bullied you all this time, and taken so very much from you already.
I still have this too - the reasoning that says that at my new weight I am slim, and healthy and so much better off now, and the sickness that still tells me I'm fat, ugly, weak to have given in and gained... (you get the picture). The trick here is to use logic to silence the bad advice to yourself - to lie to people, and get sicker and sicker... and to work out your BMI/calorie intake/ or whatever, and see if it REALLY means you are indeed at a 'normal' weight, and eating a 'normal' amount of calories. No? If not, then the voice telling you to starve even more is a liar, out to kill you. I mean, it hasn't helped you in your career or life recently, has it?
Added to that, I am now going to shout very loud, to drown out the lying, death-wish voice:
GO BACK TO YOUR THERAPIST. LET YOUR MUM AND TUTORS HELP YOU. EAT WELL, AND GAIN TO A HEALTHY LEVEL, AND GET YOUR LIFE BACK!