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I feel so massive :/ 
I'm so scared I'm going to be put into hospital again, and I want to eat more so I don't lose weight, but my head is just going berserk.  
I keep having dreams of being really really big, and its just freaking me out.
I'm trying to up my cals, and know I'm not eating enough, it's just so hard.
I feel like I've put on so much weight, and if anything need to lose, but then I know this can't be logical, because my BMI is just below 15.
Why is this so hard?
I want to look everybody in the eye who says anorexia is a choice, and ask them how the hell they believe this.
I keep getting triggered by the smallest of things.
Feel so helpless. Don't know what to do anymore "/ 

2 Replies (last)
Original Post by bubble_23:

I feel so massive :/ 
I'm so scared I'm going to be put into hospital again, and I want to eat more so I don't lose weight, but my head is just going berserk.  
I keep having dreams of being really really big, and its just freaking me out.
I'm trying to up my cals, and know I'm not eating enough, it's just so hard.
I feel like I've put on so much weight, and if anything need to lose, but then I know this can't be logical, because my BMI is just below 15.
Why is this so hard?
I want to look everybody in the eye who says anorexia is a choice, and ask them how the hell they believe this.
I keep getting triggered by the smallest of things.
Feel so helpless. Don't know what to do anymore "/ 

I suppose the 'choice' people refer to is the 'choice' to continue destructive behaviors, despite the overwhelming negative consequences from said behaviors.

vonapathy - You do not chose to have these symptoms and you do not chose for them to be overwhelming. It is a serious mental illness, not a conscious choice to "continue destructive behaviours". You have no choice in your symptoms and one of the symptoms of anorexia is a failure to recognise the severity of your condition or see it as a problem. Body dismorphia is common in eating disorders and you just cannot see your body the way it is. You can be told and logically know, but every inch of your brain will shout otherwise. There is no choice involved in the symptoms. The disease literally takes away the ability to chose.

bubble -  You may not have a choice in your symptoms, but there is a choice in recovery though. You have to learn, through time, practice and patience, to ignor these symptoms. It doesn't happen overnight and it isn't a linear process, but it does happen. You know what you need to do and every single time you manage it, you are reinforcing positive change.

That being said, with a bmi as low as yours and with your ED being so strong right now, hospital might be a good option for you. Take away the chance to choose if choosing recovery is just too difficult right now. Get whatever help and support you need in order to get better Everything else can wait. Your bmi is so low that you need to be doing everything you can to put yourself in the best position for recovery. If it's impossible at home, go to IP.

You can do it and get your calories up, but it can be near impossible at home. I only managed it with supervised meals by my family, but people can and do manage it on their own. Every single time you challenge ED you are getting stronger in recovery. The anxiety, panic and fear do subside over time I promise, but for now, there's not much you can do except get the calories up and ride through them. It's painful I know, but over time it will improve.

Feel better x.

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