Please help me stop feeling horrible....

I need some encouragment...someone to help me truly understand the how beautiful i am or how wonderful is not defined by the number on the scale, the size of my jeans or that newly formed muffin top that sits above my pants.  I am not fat....if you saw me you would say i am crazy...I weigh 128 and am 5.4 1/2....i have had a lot of changes in my life over the psat few years....divorced, move, issues with my mom who i am not talking to and a new job.  My weight has changed and fluctuated greatly over the past few years.   I gave birth to my son may 2006 and got healthy and to a place where 119 was my everyday weight.  Getting divorced brought a lot of stress and i shrunk with all the changes back down to 114 a weight i hvae never experienced in my life...the pounds slowly started to creep back and then in 2009 i ranged from 120 - 123 and was working out a lot....i felt great and strong  .i also got involved with a married man...bad move.....we ended our relationship and with that my new range increased to 125 - 127.....I have been trying to get back to a place i feel good about myself since last summer.  an every day struggle and battle with myself because all my clothes are tight.  i diet and and lose a few and then go out, have a few drinks and overeat...a viscious cycle....i want to cry and crawl under the covers more than i should.  I still work oout on weekends.  i have hit my all time high this week since i was pregnant weighing in at 128....now my fat jeans are tight and i dread every morning as i have to get myself dressed for work....i dont want to do anything or see anyone...i just want to live in my sweats......  i am begging some guidance....i just want to cry....:(

I have often struggled in my life with coping with overwhelming difficult feelings.  I have blamed myself, others, situations I was in, anything I could for my having a hard time.  I have resorted to manically trying to control everything in my life or sinking into depression and giving up.  All of these things just made things worse.  I have also consistently tried to use food as a coping mechanism; I have had anorexia, then swung to obesity, each a result of my inability to cope with overwhelming difficult emotions rampaging through my inner being. 

I just read an article that has helped me identify and realize that this is a fundamental problem in my life.  I read the article daily (http://caloriecount.about.com/manage-your-emo tions-b399946#last) and am working with my stress coach on the issue.  The exercise she has me doing right now was very strange for me to start doing, but does seem to help me feel better so I keep doing it:  Imagine you are holding a very small infant to your chest and comfort it, crooning, rubbing or patting its back (which is where your sternum is, so you end up gently rubbing and/or patting yourself).  Now visualize this infant is your infant self.  So your grown-up self is comforting your child self.  Like I said, strange but it seems to be helping.  I am also realizing that I have not prioritized my health and selfcare to a hazardous point after reading another article (http://www.jillianmichaels.com/fitness-and-di et-tips/Taking-Control), so today I am starting to do that.

I am obviously not someone who can tell you how I overcame (yet) but it sounds like you are on an earlier point of an unhealthy path I have traveled much further down.  I hope this helps.

I am currently 5 ft 2 in and weigh 128 lbs so we're pretty comparable weight-wise (however you're taller than me so you probably look slimmer than I do!). When I first started trying to get pregnant about 10 years ago, I was 110 lbs. After 4 miscarriages in 6 years, I had twins in 2006 and another child in 2008. So now I've put on almost 20 pounds in 10 years and am trying to get my weight back to something more reasonable. What's the point in having a closet full of clothes if they're all too tight?!

However, though I am trying to lose weight too, I never feel like crying or crawling under the covers because of my weight (though I admit that I did feel that way when I was going through pregnancy-related troubles).  It sounds like you have had a really rough ride and I wonder if you might be dealing with more than weight-related stress. Not wanting to do anything or see anyone may have more to do with a more serious emotional issue than a few extra pounds. Rather than focussing on your weight, you might want to talk to your GP about how you've been feeling. (I dealt with some depression when I was having a hard time with my pregnancies - it sounds like you're feeling that same kind of hopelessness).

Honestly, I hope you can stop giving yourself a hard time about your weight. You've been through a lot and probably need both time and outside help to get your "real self" back - both physically and emotionally. Life is has its ups and downs but you'll get through!! (I know, sounds cliche, but it's the truth.) I wish you luck and happiness.

I am just about your size as well, and while I'm frustrated to be back at 128, I know that I have to put that frustration to good use, and do something about the gain.  I cry when I try on swimsuits, and that's not cool.  So Ive become angry enough to do this, and to do it right, and to give a big "eff you" to my fat cells.  Redirect that sadness into positive energy!  You can do this!

You've had a lot of tough times, and I can relate to that.  Ive been on antidepressants and whatnot and had some hard times, during which I found it impossible to focus on weight loss.  But as soon as I start feeling okay again, I find the time to do what I have to.  On that note, have you considered seeing a psychiatrist?  It may be that you need some talk therapy or meds- because most folks at your height and weight aren't so upset.  I can only speak for myself, but anti-anxiety meds have been one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Also, the average american woman, I read somewhere, is 5'4" and 140 lbs.  So you're actually smaller than average, even if you dont feel it!