I suppose this is a bit journal-ish and I apologise, but inconsequential as what follows is, it's really gotten me down!

So last night I'm ina  bar, for once not very drunk and I meet a very good looking guy. Now I'm not very attractive but I am confident so I think it all balances itself out. He keeps smiling at me and he and his brother come over and stand near me so I strike up conversation. It soon becomes clear they're kinda not big in personality but they are drunk so you never can tell. Anyway they are both trying not very subtely to get me to kiss them. And it was very funny. but whereas I normally just go for those cheeky snogs last night I decided not to. I actually played hard to get! I mean i was flirtatious but I didn't kiss anyone! Shocking in itself. I guess I thought that my uber confident, eager, easy self wasn't getting me anywhere with guys in bars. Anyway I gave the good looking guy my number and told him to text me. (okay i did laugh and say you're drunk so you probably won't remember me or text me) and he wanted me to go home with him but I didn't. Anyway he didn't text me :( And I'm really gutted because I thought playing hard to get would work espeically with this guy as he seemed like a love em an leave em type. and anyway this is the big question I'm struggling with, I never played hard to get because I just presumed guys I liked would think I wasn't interested in them, but when I am forward they aren't ever interested in me...Confusing or what!

Anyway what are your views on this whole playing hard to get thing? Personally I'm not sure i'll ever be trying it again!

You said it right there: 'when I am forward they aren't ever interested in me'


I know that many ppl do not agree with this, but I think its almost always better to let a man approach you, strike up a conversation with you first, and call you first.  They are the ones who have and will keep the most interest in you, and that is what you want.  Try it and you'll see. There will be less confusion and guesswork, and you won't even need to wonder if you should play games like hard to get.

I will add that the fact that they were brothers, both drunk and both trying to kiss you does not impress me.  You can do better than that, I'm sure.

where did you go? you start a thread like this and then leave?

Original Post by shanonna:

I thought playing hard to get would work espeically with this guy as he seemed like a love em an leave em type.

He probably is a love 'em and leave 'em type then ... if he's not looking for anything more than getting lucky he's not going to call or text no matter what you do. You don't need a guy like that.  Just because you won't kiss a guy in the bar does not mean playing hard to get. If a guy is truly interested he will make the first move and call you the next day.

For me it depends on the girl. If she's hot and she's throwing herself at me, I'm not going to question a good thing.  If she's not attractive and she's throwing herself at me, I'm going to be a bit disgusted and politely tell her I'm not interested.  If she's hot and playing hard to get, I might chase her.  It depends on how hard she is playing.  If she's unattractive and playing hard to get, then I won't bother.  She's not good-looking enough to play hard to get.

 

First I want to say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder so what one guy finds unattractive another will find to be a nice bit of eye candy.

You say you haven't had much luck either way?......I think that's only because you are meeting guys under influenced circumstances (drinking) nothing to do with your personality or playing hard to get.......in those situations you are more likely to meet a guy that is only looking for one nighters.

Playing hard to get isn't anything to do with playing games as I've seen so many on here say it is.......it is however having something that's called self respect.......

There is nothing wrong with you......you did the right thing, keep playing hard to get and it will eventually come naturally to you then you will start to attract a different kind of guy.

In my opinion if you give yourself right at the beguining guys will just take it, they would think well that was an easy target and gets what he wants. As you said he was drunk he was probably looking for a F***

If you want to find a guy for more then one night you play slow... leave a bit of mistery... or if you just want to have a good time then yes u be straightforward

Well thats what i think...

You say you haven't had much luck either way?......I think that's only because you are meeting guys under influenced circumstances (drinking) nothing to do with your personality or playing hard to get.......in those situations you are more likely to meet a guy that is only looking for one nighters.

I agree with this. If you're only meeting guys when you're in a bar where either they're drunk or you're drunk... you can't really expect stellar results.
I met a guy Saturday at a bar... bassist in a punk band, cute, etc... but he was very forward (and drunk) and asked me to come home with him. His friend (the guitarist in his band) kept telling him to stop, asked for my number and went home. The friend is nowhere near as attractive as the other guy, but he's the one who got my number. I just simply said goodnight and left. We have a date set up for this weekend but I might blow it off because he's a guy from the bar. haha

Hard to get works just fine in that situation it's not like you are going home with him.  Hard to get after two dates, I don't think I would call again or answer when you did call me. Been there done that and it always turned out to be a pattern.

 

Original Post by sintia:

In my opinion if you give yourself right at the beguining guys will just take it, they would think well that was an easy target and gets what he wants. As you said he was drunk he was probably looking for a F***

If you want to find a guy for more then one night you play slow... leave a bit of mistery... or if you just want to have a good time then yes u be straightforward

Well thats what i think...

Actually, the key to finding a guy for just more than one night is to be more than a hole to fill.  If someone is interesting and intelligent, then a guy is going to stay with her longer than a girl with her looks being her only good quality.  When she gives it up doesn't matter.

be more than a hole to fill.

So gross but so true... hahaha

If he's the right guy for you, he won't care whether you chased or he chased or when you had sex. Just be yourself, and do what you would normally do (go for it, or don't) based on what you want and what you like, not what you think he would want or like. And don't spend so much time wondering if he likes you, that you never get around to figuring out whether you actually like HIM. (A lot of girls do that). F'r'instance - you just said that they didn't seem to be much in the personality department - so why are you sad that you didn't get texted? One of the first things to do is figure out whether you are looking to "live your youth" or whether you are looking for a long-term partner. If it's the latter, then a) personality counts and b) bars are not the best place. If it's the former, then what does it matter whether or not you get texted?

Two brothers, huh? Why not go home with both of them (or make out with them in the bar at least), and have a story to shock your grandkids when you're senile and expressing yourself inappropriately. :)

For the record, looking at your gallery pics, you are far from unattractive.  I think you are very pretty.

Perhaps, although you say you are confident, people are picking up on the fact that you don't think you're attractive.  There is alot to be said for body language and the vibes you are putting out. 

I agree, I think you are attractive. 

Original Post by trustwomen:

If he's the right guy for you, he won't care whether you chased or he chased or when you had sex. Just be yourself, and do what you would normally do (go for it, or don't) based on what you want and what you like, not what you think he would want or like. And don't spend so much time wondering if he likes you, that you never get around to figuring out whether you actually like HIM. (A lot of girls do that). F'r'instance - you just said that they didn't seem to be much in the personality department - so why are you sad that you didn't get texted? One of the first things to do is figure out whether you are looking to "live your youth" or whether you are looking for a long-term partner. If it's the latter, then a) personality counts and b) bars are not the best place. If it's the former, then what does it matter whether or not you get texted?

Two brothers, huh? Why not go home with both of them (or make out with them in the bar at least), and have a story to shock your grandkids when you're senile and expressing yourself inappropriately. :)

 As usual, Trustwomen is correct.  :)

He's the love 'em, leave 'em type, like you said.  You don't want one of those!!!

If he's a drunk guy trying to get laid, no matter what/how you play it, he's going to just be a drunk guy trying to get laid.  He's probably not going to decide that because you didn't agree to go home with him that he wants to date you.  And don't be surprised if you get a text at 2 AM next weekend... he wants to get laid!

That's the scum often met in bars, unfortunately!

And if you find a place to meet men who AREN'T like this, please let me know!! :)

First off, I can't stand girls that play "hard to get"

Now, let me clarify, I don't think that it's "hard to get" just because you didn't go back and sleep with the guy. Hard to get, to me, is a girl who kinda acts interested, but mostly just ignores me. I'll generally just write them off as either not interested, or someone who toys with guys, either way, I don't feel like I miss out on a whole lot.

But, like others have said, this guy probably wasn't looking for a date, and it sounded like that's what you were going for, and sounds like you were clear that you were interested, just not in a one-night stand.

:)  FWIW I had been about to write simply "ness is right, listen to him" but as usual I got carried away and wrote a book.

Wow I didn't expect anyone to reply thanks guys :)

Thats some really stellar advice and you know as TW said the more I thought about it the more I realised he wasn't for me anyway!

And ness I'm really really glad to hear that a guy will stick around regardless of when the deed is done if you are an interesting person (maybe this is where i've been going wrong :P)

I never really expected to have any luck in bars but...where the hell DO people meet other people?

And thanks for clearing up hard to get too whoever did that, I guess I wasn't exactly playing hard to get...just hard to get compared to my usual self :) And it actually felt quite good, felt better than kissing him/going home with him and him not texting me back anyway :D

No problem.  It is a popular misconception. The whole "he'll leave if you give it up too fast" myth is created and spread mainly by two kinds of people:

1. Hot women with no/bad personalities.

2. Women who try to use sex as a way of manipulating a man.

In reality:

1. Men who are looking for more than just sex won't hang around if a woman is boring.  This would hold true whether or not she puts out.  It is just that in most cases, the woman puts out quickly, hence the myth.

2. No one likes it when someone tries to manipulate them. If someone feels like they are being manipulated, they will become uncomfortable and the relationship will die.

Note: I am NOT saying you fit into either category.  Since women of types 1 and 2 tend to be popular in the mainstream media, this view (which seems true on the surface) has been spread throughout the population so even many good women believe it now.