A guy who's shown interest took me to dinner a couple nights ago and is asking when I can go out again. We hit it off well and everything, and he seems really intelligent. The problem is, his roommate is a bar tender and heavy drinker.

I went to hang out with them after my shift since they were close to where I work. The guy's roommate, although he was a 'pleasant' and not rude drunk, kept buying him drinks. The guy unfortunately caved in every time.

I'm only 18 and I don't drink and don't plan to any time soon. So my question is, should I just stop seeing him before things get messed up, or could I try to change him? I feel bad because it seems like such a waste of good potential and a smart mind.. :\

Short answer, no.  You can't change another person.

Those are your only options? Change him or give up? If your issue is that this guy who you like is a heavy drinker with his friend then,y es, you should give up and find someone else who maybe matches your ideals a little more.

hmmm, how about talking with him about it? If you say: hey, it really bothers me that you drink so much around your friend, would you mind cutting it out?

See what he says and what he does.

If he *can't* or *won't* adapt his behaviour, then there you go. No need to try to manipulate him, or try to change him (won't work anyway), but communication in a relationship can be good :).

No.

nope!

your best bet it to wait until you find someone you like just they way they are.

You could arrange to have the friend eliminated.  ;-)

You've met him once! You don't really know him, so you don't really know if he needs to be "changed" or "dumped". He could have been giving into his friend because he didn't want you to get uncomfortable.

How about going out with him (no friend in the equation) and seeing what he's like?

Original Post by trhawley:

You could arrange to have the friend eliminated.  ;-)

 

No you can't, you either put up or ship out.

I'd say ask him if this is a regular habit.  Often friends who are bartenders will buy drinks but that doesn't necessarily mean that the guy is a big drinker.  I had a bf once who would freak out and refuse to kiss me if I had even had one drink...I didn't really care because I'd maybe have a drink once a month, but now I'd suggest that he find someone else if it was that distressing for him.

Why do you think things would get messed up?  Just becaue this guy drinks doesn't mean you have to drink.

I also think you should give it another try.  Next time pick someplace where drinking isn't an issue.  A carnival, the movies...whatever...something else.

I would definitely mention that you don't drink and you are not accustomed to and not really looking to be in the company of drinkers.  Just a thought.

After only a one time incident, you don't really know if there's anything to be concerned about.  Find out what he's really like apart from his bartender friend and talk about it.

But, to answer your question - no, you can't change who a person really is.  If they actually "need" to change, for whatever reason, they have to initiate it themselves.

When you are an attractive 18 year old, yes. A cranky 46 year old, not so much.

Original Post by kathygator:

When you are an attractive 18 year old, yes. A cranky 46 year old, not so much.

 LOL!

Even a guy pretending to be something other than who he is for a hotty isn't really changing, though.

I'm going with "NO". 

Original Post by trhawley:

You could arrange to have the friend eliminated.  ;-)

 LOL -- good answer!

Seriously -- a lot of women get with guys thinking they will change, but they don't.  Men get with girls thinking they will never change and they do.  It's just one of life's great F-U's.  I would bet that you're not gonna' change him, honey.  Move on before you're too emotionally involved.

oLd Saying:   Women marry men hoping to change them and men marry women hoping they never change.  32 yrs anniversary coming up,  nope can't change him, just got worse. Thank god he wasn't too bad in the beginning.  If you stay together long enough you'll go through alot of stuff.    Good luck.

why would you want to change someone? you should love them for who they are not for who you think you could make them be... i love my boy more than words can describe, and although there are traits i'd like to change i wouldn't dream of trying, i fell in love with him for the person he is, same as if he tried to change me, i wouldn't be able to understand why he doesn't love me how i already am?

You can't change anyone, male or female. We are who we are and ultimately we ourselves are the only people that can change us. You can attempt to influence someone into desiring a change, but they have to want your guidance.

That being said, you seem to have only met with him once or twice. Do you really think you know all there is to know about him? Try asking him about it without being condescending or arrogant (non-drinkers in general tend to be on a high-horse, unfortunately). Who knows, maybe he only does it once a month or less often. You'll never know unless you as.

Whoaaa, love? No, lol.

Actually, I was kind of referring more to him as a friend, but now that I think about it he seemed more... interested than chummy. How can I send the message that I don't want to go out, but just be friends?

Original Post by muttlover:

Whoaaa, love? No, lol.

Actually, I was kind of referring more to him as a friend, but now that I think about it he seemed more... interested than chummy. How can I send the message that I don't want to go out, but just be friends?

Tell him outright.