Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for how long this is...

I'm empo and I joined CC about a week ago.  I'm 22, 5'7 and have lost about 20 pounds in the past 3 weeks by not-so-healthy means.  I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 12, and I wound up being hospitalized several times over the next few years.  One of those times, I made a genuine attempt at recovery, and I remembered how much I really did love food.  My anorexia turned into bulimia, and then into periodic overeating with no purging.  Needless to say, my weight went up and up and up.

I've been really triggered lately, and it's gotten to the point where I'm just tired of fighting it.  I'm tired of being at a "normal" weight.  I'm tired of having a "healthy" BMI.  I'm not some silly little pro-ana, trust me.  I hate this eating disorder with a passion; it's just that sometimes it has me convinced that I want it more than anything.  It's so frustrating to have to live with this secret battle in my head, and I've reached a point where I'm just not motivated to fight it like I should be.

I live alone, which has never helped when it comes to overeating.  Moderation has never been my strong point.  I can eat healthily for awhile, but inevitably I end up overeating or restricting.  I'm pretty much caught in between the anorexic and bulimic mindsets right now.  I'm restricting, but I still find myself looking forward to eating.  When I was really deep in the anorexic mindset years ago, I dreaded it more than anything.  Last weekend I actually planned a binge/purge.  It didn't "just happen"...I planned it.

I guess I just wanted to tell someone that I'm struggling, but it's a lost easier to do it on here than in real life.  I'm so afraid of my parents finding out, but strangely I do want other people to know, just so I don't feel so alone.  I certainly don't look anorexic at this point, but I know it's a disease of the mind as much as it is a disease of the body.  I don't want this disorder, but the thoughts just won't go away.  Even when I'm eating right and staying healthy, the thoughts are still there.

I guess I'm just looking for some support, and maybe some friends who know what it's like to want something and not want it at the same time.  I promise I'm not a pro-ana; I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and if I felt like I had the choice, I woulndn't wish it on myself, either.

Thanks for reading,
empo

That is pretty much EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. Like, it sounds so much like me its freaky. I wish I have some advice to give you, but I don't, other than the fact that you arent alone in this battle.

Message me if you wanna chat or anything. I'll add you :)

Empo, Welcome to CC!

I appreciate you coming out and telling us all of your story. You should visit the recovery club thread on this forum and find a home there as well.

We are the same height and age, and it seems as if I just wrote the above message myself, other than the fact I was never bulemic but only anorexic. I am also at a healthy point of weight at the moment, but I do find myself struggling inside each day to fight what I love/hate!

I want to also find a balance in my life with food, and I have been in recovery and on this site for exactly a year. I think that you will find this place as a great place to vent and to come during recovery to rationalize and communicate with others.

I do not still seek treatment due to money issues still, but maybe you could look back into doing a group session or find a therapist to help you go through this again.

It is not a number on a scale that causes this disorder, it is our mental make up.....I am here if you need me!

Thank you both for your replies.  As much as I hate to know that you're feeling the same things that I am, it's nice to know that there's someone who knows what it's like.  Last week I considered an ED support group through a local hospital, but A) it's during the workday; B) I'm not thin enough and it would just be a joke; and C) I'd get competitive with everyone who was thin enough and I'd just get further into this mess.

But even as I say that, I wonder if that's exactly why I should do it, you know?  I can say I'm not pro-ana all I want, but at the same time, my mindset won't let me consider stopping before I'm "thin enough."  It would be great not to have these thoughts altogether, but since they're here, I can't dare to go against them.

Empo I understand totally what you are dealing with. And let me tell you something, the emotional pain inside from an ED is almost double the struggle of this disorder over the physical part. I know that I have struggled physically over the past year or so with this disorder, but mentally it was there for quite some time. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A STICK TO BE AN ED VICTIM! And you also do not have to be sickly looking to join a support group.

My support group you never would have even recognized as an ed group when you first walked in. The first day I joined I thought I was in the wrong place, I thought where are all the anorexics like me? But many girls were going through recovery and had gained weight, while others were dealing with binging and other issues with food. I think the best thing for me was to sit face to face and talk about my issues that I thought were only "my issues" with other people of all sizes about the same issues.

I remember not envying anyone...I remember not even comparing myself to them. I remember embracing each and every one of them for opening up to me and for changing my view and life with my disorder.

Okay so I am still struggling at times, days go by where I really ask myself if I am completely done with this, and the answer is NO, but this group has given me a part of me that I am learning to love and to appreciate.

I truely think that you wouldn't regret it. I know that I wish I could still go to mine, but I now have moved to a different area in the state that is 3 hours away.

Hopefully you will realize that size doesn't always apply, internal struggle is way worse....

Welcome!

I too went through similar phases as you...I was anorexic in the begining, then bulimic and gained alot of wt and now I am anorexic again.  I am struggling alot right now.  I think it would be a good idea to do support groups with other girls with ed's I know it has helped me alot.  Are you in treatment?  If not I would highly suggest seeing a dietican and a therapist that specialize in eatiing disorders.  The dietican can help you with foods and put you on a meal plan.  I hope everything works out for you.

"My anorexia turned into bulimia, and then into periodic overeating with no purging. Needless to say, my weight went up and up and up."

This is where I am right now. I'm gaining and gaining and even laughing at the absurdity of it sometimes, but truly in pain about the perceived loss of my beauty. After a few months of browsing the posts here I joined CC, and despite ambivalence about recovery, committed myself to at least gaining enough to get my period back. I've never really talked to anyone about my ED, and have even kept it on the periphery of all my active "issues" in my long-term therapy relationship so that it wasn't threatened. I haven't hung around long enough to chat with people here, but it does help to know that there are others like me, struggling the way we do. 20 pounds heavier, I'm still ambivalent about recovery; lonely and depressed, but fertile.

Hello and welcome!

I'm sorry to hear what you are going thru. I have never been anorexic so I won't pretend to understand completely what you are going thru... I will say this...

my problem was the opposite.. I was extremly over weight. I'd eat when I was depressed.. bored.. and any other excuse I would come up with to eat.  I reached such a low place in my life that at the age of 30 I was 5'4", 319 pounds and I couldn't even stand at my sink and do dishes because my legs couldn't hold me. They gave me 5 years before i'd be in a wheel chair.  I made the decision to go for gastric bypass surgery.  I lost 176 pounds.  After the weight came off I was so afraid of gaining weight that I began making myself purge after meals.  My doctor saw what was going on and nipped it in the bud... I started seeing a councilor and spoke to my family about what was going on to get the support that I needed.   I'm now 4 years post-op.. I am engaged to a wonderful man and he started feeding me. I'm like everyone else now.  I can put on and take off weight just like everyone else. After meeting him I put on 40 pounds.  I'm now working on taking that off.

I've found that after all this time, the surgery, the support... I still eat when I'm bored... I still eat when I'm depressed... and I still find excuses to put something in my mouth and eat (especially chocolate).

I guess I'm boring you with this story to say... the desires and urges will never go away. My family doctor compared it to a smoker or a drinker or a druggie. the desire for the action will never go away.. .it's how we handle it that changes.

Talk to people about it... keep communicating about it.. it's the best way to help you deal with it.  to me.. it doesn't matter if you talk to your family.. people online... your friends... as long as you are talking about it... acknowledging it and trying to work at it... that is what matters.

Please feel free to message me or email me at kitten777@rcn.com if you want to chat.

God Bless you and best of luck!

 

sufferinghearts - No, I'm not in treatment at the moment, but I did manage to tell two of my "aunties" (not actually aunts, but they're my elders so I tack that on after their names...just cultural stuff, but anyhoo...).  I live right near a major medical center, and one of them is a pediatrician there who's pretty high up on the food chain and knows a lot of people.  She said she could hook me up with a doctor there who deals with EDs a lot.  I'd like to see her eventually I guess, but my ED keeps telling me I can't until I lose 20 more pounds, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm sorry to hear that we're dealing with the same issues :(  One ED is bad enough, and it's even harder to be dealing with the urges and thoughts of two or three.  I hope and pray that you'll find the strength you need within yourself, and the support you need in others.

olamm - I know what you mean.  I felt completely rediculous when I was bingeing, knowing how "in control" I used to be around food.  It's all out of control though, no matter which extreme you take it to.  But, if it's comforting at all, it's normal for anorexics to go the other way at some point.  Realizing that was a huge comfort for me, because even though I still hated what I was doing, I didn't feel like such a freak for doing it.  I honestly felt like a fraud, like a "fake" anorexic, because it had turned into binge eating.

Congratulations on committing to recovery, and I saw in another thread that you have gained enough for your body to start functioning again, so kudos to you for that :)  Perhaps now that you've made that commitment to yourself, if might be a good time to bring these issues forward in therapy?  I know you didn't want to threaten your ED, but now you need to focus on not threatening your recovery.  Ambivalence is normal, and even though it's frustrating, it's much healthier than being determined not to get better.  Keep up the fight.

kitten - It sounds like you've had your share of struggles as well.  I know what you mean about finding excuses to eat; I've done that so much over the past several years - boredom, stress, or just lack of willpower to do portion control.  I'm glad you've met someone who is supportive of you, and that you are looking at things from a healthier perspective now.  Keep up the good work, just stay healthy about it :)