Health & Support

Hi everyone,

I've been browsing this site randomly for a few months now but this is first time I'm really posting and introducing myself. I've been reading a lot of posts here and can really relate to how you all feel about food and being afraid of gaining weight. I don't have a diagnosable eating disorder because I eat when I'm hungry and don't binge or starve myself and am at a healthy BMI (5'6-5'7 123lb) but sometimes I feel like food and exercise consume my life ever since I started my diet. I think it's all about control and less about food. I am so scared that if I miss one exercise session or eat one bad thing I'll lose control and get fat.

I eat tons of fruits/vegetables and cannot imagine myself eating sweets/fattening foods, I'm not even tempted by them. I will have a huge internal struggle within myself when I am craving an apple and trying to delay eating it so that more time will have passed between when I last ate. I calculate and recalculate how many calories I eat per day and feel like it's been a good day when I've not exceeded my limit, if I gain on the scale or feel fat on my body I get REALLY depressed and unmotivated and angry at myself, even though I know it might be water/muscle mass. I eat the same foods everyday and afraid to try new things and I feel like I'm constantly fighting myself to control what I eat and after I finish eating I would get depressed because it's like food is the high points of the day. It can make or break my day.

And don't even get me started on the exercise. I am so OCD when it comes to exercise--the main reason I do it is so I can burn off the calories I eat and it's a task I HAVE to do or I get very uncomfortable and feel like the day has not been complete (it's my no. 1 priority if I've decided it's exercise day). Once I get my exercise in I feel good about myself and can go about doing my other errands guilt-free.

So I think Tyra Banks was talking about this on her show about how people have eating disorders that are not so serious on the level of anorexia/bulimia but they are common and all involve abnormal views on food and issues with food and basically an unhealthy relationship with food and paranoia of getting fatI feel like I can easily become anorexic if I didn't have such a healthy support system (my family) because the roots of eating disorders are all the same and all the symptoms are there but they're milder for me. I'm wondering if others can relate to what I'm going through.

http://www.something-fishy.org/whatarethey/ot her.php#ortho

Orthorexia Nervosa...

If you are serious about changing your habits, consider seeing a psychologist and getting diganosed, and going into therapy.

good luck.

love&hugs

SASH

I can definetly relate because Im going through the same thing. I feel like I constantly obsess about food, and tend to consume all of my calories toward the end of the day. Once I've done that I feel like I have binged, and Im always just feeling very guilty. Im recovering from what was an eating disorder but I still can't shake these feelings of guilt and I can't stop weighing myself twice a day. I'ts all  i ever think about. I've talked to my mom about it and she says its part of the disorder that I have not overcome.

if things are negatively impacting your life, seeing a doctor is the best way to get a diagnosis and find out what to do.

the link provided earlier is to a great organization for EDs of all sorts.  and disordered eating (as opposed to an eating disorder) can feel almost as bad-- simply b/c you are able to recognize what you are doing is not quite rational or normal.

**good luck** and welcome to the forums!

(ps posting a profile will help people get to know you... and help with finding friends for support.  the journals are a great tool to form bonds with people and find amazing support systems)

OMG you sound like me! I dont binge/purge/starve like people with those EDs but I am compulsive.
I am a bit different - I'm lazy so some days I dont exercise as much
I used to LOVE treats and sweets. Now I dont want to eat them 0 they gross me out. Thinking about them is about all I do tho. But I know I wouldnt ever want a piece.

I do feel guilty even when i dont reach my cal limit, but because of HOW i eat. I also prolong eating healthy foods.

I'm fine with how I am now, but scared I'll get worse. We should be here for each other.

I loves these forums!!

Wow, this is exactly the wway i feel. I eat very low cals and healthy and obsessed with going to gym. I am getting better though. i am working on it and tyring to over come and just be healthy and eat good and excercise regularly and not obsess. Like me the food/excercise can make or break my mood. If i feel over ate or not good exercise or miss a day at the gym, i feel like i am being lazy or trying to stop going or that i will lose tone and gain weight!!!!

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think that this thread belongs under the heading of maintaining.  I come to this thread to get support from others struggling with keeping our recovery.  I have lost weight in a healthy manner, but it is still something I work on each day.  I do not have an eating disorder.  Please, if you want support, then come to this site, but don't put threads under maintaining.  You can try motivation or weight loss or the lounge.  Thank you.

I am so glad you posted this. I have lost about 30 lbs, and i do feel good, but i am seriously obsessed about counting basically every calorie, and staying with my regular foods. I am busy, between work, school, dance, and then working out, so I usually make my own meals. The thing is that i am afraid of eating regular things that i don't exactly know the calorie content for. For example I make my meals different most every night, different from what my mom makes, and my family eats. This past week I have been feeling really bloated, and i look at myself and just feel fat. I am now 5'9" at 137 lbs. My mom and I have a good relationship and last night all the stress from this past week of feeling fat and just the constant food/calorie things being always on my mind made me cry. I talked to her about it. Also if I exercise say monday, then wednesday and then don't on thursday and friday, I feel a great deal of anxiety, with questions if that is OK. I know it is, but i feel like crap. I worked out today, so I'm okay, but I don't know.

I'm the same way, I'm about 5'6", 133 pounds. I've lost over 60 pounds now and reached my goal a few weeks ago but now I can't stop counting everything and I'm convenced that if I go over 1200 cals. a day I'm going to gain it all back. I excersise almost everyday and if I do it less than 5 times in a week I feel like crap about myself. On days I do I know I need to eat more than 1200, but I can't. It's a struggle to get there every day and now that I don't want to really loose much more the thought of eating enough to maintain is frightening.

It's gotten worse since school started agian since I don't know what is in everything I am eating and I tend to overestimate to play it safe. I know it's turning into a problem so I made an appointment to see the nutritionsit here on campus next week.

Wendy5000 - I DO think this belongs here because I think it is a problem a lot of people have once they reach their goal. Making sure you don't go back to your old ways of eating is only one problem that people have after weight loss. Making sure that you eat ENOUGH without feeling guilty is just as big of an issue for those of us who are having the oppisite problem.

I agree that the thread does belong here also!! I think this is part of maintaining for some people who have lost a lot of weight. I lost 50lbs and have kept it off now for over 1.5year. It is a constant stuggle for me food and exercise but i am much much better than i was. I am glad i can come here and see i am not the only one!!!

Oh oops I just realized my title should have been "eating disorders that are NOT quite anorexia."

Anyway thanks for all the responses, I do appreciate knowing so many of you are going through the same thing so I won't feel so alone in this. I also think this belongs on this forum because I AM mentally trying to maintain even though inevitabily through calorie deficit I am losing, little by little, and on some level it scares me but I can't seem to stop. I would look at my hands and see how bony and fragile it is and it's weird but it's like I KNOW I should stop being so obsessive but at the same time keep doing the same things because it's...comforting. Yes I feel bony and I wish I had bigger boobs and I know I looked better when I had on a couple extra pounds but I just feel so...relieved whenever I see evidence of my skinniness.  I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I don't even know WHY we try so hard to be skinny? I think it might just be a habit now...or a form of control...I'm not even that into fashion or clothing.

And also...my period has been very sporadic, I get mine every three months since May (I started dieting February) and the last time I got it was in November and even when I do it's very little. There's something funky going on with my hormones I know it. But I'm not super skinny or anorexic, and my body fat is like 21% so I dont know what the deal is.

 I am 48 years old. I hate to tell some of you out there that I , too( over the course of thirty years )would lose the weight I wanted to lose through dieting and exercise and then have the same symptoms you are discribing. I would maintain for about a year and then slowly gain the wieght back over a two year period. then, sometime around age 35 after one of my weight loss periods ( nine months of WW dieting and then six months mantainence  i was teaching weight watchers at the time) I went to a party and downed a bunch of godiva chocolates- WAY too many. I went home and had a huge anxiety attack. my brain shut down and my stomach hurt so I couldn't sleep- knowing I was crossing the line I went into the bathroom and made myself throw up- eighteen years later I still struggle with bulimia. this calorie counter web site has been a savior for me- as long as i only eat within my calorie budget i will not throw up- only if something happens in my life that I feel totally out of control will I revert to large amounts of food and then purgeing- i have a therapist and psychiatrist- bulimia never goes away- but it can be arrested- but I believe IT IS ALWAYS THERE

I dont know why, but recently (i mean since this discussion)  I've been feeling a little better about myself, my fitness and my eating. THoughts that never crossed my mind before, started to. Such as "Today, I may jsut not cal count, as all i've eaten so far is fruit - its healthy, I'm not stuffed full, so its natural" (I did count tho, and got scared. 800 cals of fruit. Wow...)  and "I dont HAVE to exercise today. I mean, I should, but if i push it, I may hurt my existing injury" (i did go for a run tho. Bored)
Yes, I'm not recovered, but the fact that I allowed myself to think these thigns and didn't punish myself is a good step right? I also feel a lot happier and am not obessed with eating at the moment. I think its cos today I went to a brunch with a new family. They were all so happy and friendly and ate whatever. Yes, most of them were overweight but they were so nice, I felt great to be around them in the park in the sun, playing with the kids. Maybe we all just need to take a step back from school and work, and it'll sort itself out? I hope anyway.

Also, I heard about "permarexia". Its something Posh Spice apparently has. Its not starving yourself, but its being obesssed with exactly what you eat. Thats another ED not mentioned

I know, I have days when i feel better and days when I feel more restrictive and obsessive with food & exercise. Like I remember the week before Xmas I wasn't focused on food so much for some reason. But 90% of the time I am.

But red_herring I'm glad you're feeling better about it! I think we seriously need to take a step back and really look at ourselves with objective eyes and take a deep breath and just RELAX. It's hard not to feel that guilt after you do something 'bad' but I'm trying really hard to control it and tell myself it's ok.

Hi imperialhuntress...I just saw your column and wanted to let you know that I went through the EXACT same feelings as you about a year ago.  Although with me, a little bit later the feelings of anxiety/obsession about eating progressed into trying to make myself throw up if I didn't make the exact calorie count or exercise in the exact same way.  For me, something that really helped was seeing a therapist.  We spent about 6 months together, and although occasionally the anxiety returns for me, right now I am very happy and have worked through a lot of my problems.  I am still fairly OCD about exercising, but my eating has gotten a LOT better and not worrying about it as much has changed my life! Seriously, nothing works better than a professional, even if your disorder doesn't fit the "stereotypical" classifications of eating disorders.  I highly recommend it.  Best of luck! :)

I'm diagnoised as EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).. to be properly diagnoised or to find a chance at recovery or feeling better, you should seek a therepist or doctors helpp.

good lord, this thread describes my life! i feel so much better knowing that we are not alone in this struggle. I'm currently 5'3 and 108 pounds. Everyday is a constant whirlwind of worry and anxiety and depression, all revolving around food and exercise! I'm seeing a doctor about it right now, so hopefully things will get better because this fixation with food has gotten to the point where its deeply affecting my life. All i can think about morning, noon and night is food and what i can and cannot have. unfortunately, unlike imperial huntress, i am tempted by junk food ALL the time, mainly because when i was overweight i ate so much of it and loved it. I eat soo healthy right now that it is exhausting (my main foods are fruits and vegetables). Although i do allow myself a treat once a week, it always consumes me with guilt afterwards. I also exercise so much, an hour and a half on sundays, mondays and thursdays, and two hours on tuesdays and fridays. I also will brisk walk/jog for a mile on the days that I don't exercise and even sometimes on days that I do exercise.

imperialhuntress, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to stop yet can't! i do the same exact thing, i look at my bony, dry hands and think "come on, just stop this already!" and yet at the same time, there is a sick little thrill that jolts through you because you have had the control to become so skinny... It's actually kind of twisted. 

anyways, we all need to stop this before it can get any worse! honestly, whats so great about being skinny anyway?! I was a hell of alot more happy when i was fat now that i look back on it. At least  then we were able to enjoy food! anyway, if anyone wants to talk, go to my profile and leave me a message, k? i'll be happy to talk or listen to anybody!

hugs!

I am on my way to recovery, but all of you guys are exactly me!! i am tryin gto have the attitude of this: i count calories, eat healthy and go to gym 4x per week and i am not obsessing about it day and night. Some days are better than others but i am more happy than i was but it is still hard. i know it will be a constant struggle but i am trying to make it so  it is not an obsession and not get depressed when i dont go to gym one day or go over my cals one day or eat something sweet.

This is the most amazing post. I relate 100%. I look very "healthy" at 117 pounds and 5'4, but I am totally obsessed. To the point where if I go out to dinner with friends I have started eating beforehand so I can control my calorie intake and I don't have fun anymore because I am totally distracted by the food at the table. During snow storms when I can't get to the gym my entire day is ruined and I have had to ask neighbors if I can use their treadmill (Random! I dont even know them: ) . I have been like this for years, but I too am getting slighlty more "OCD" and friends are suggesting I see someone about this. I have a hard time rationalizing this because my BMI is 20.1% and I am generally healthy. . . What do we do???? 

yep, well being OCD runs in my family, weather its about school, work or exersize. we like having our lives on track, and we get ticked when its thrown off.