So I am going through recovery and I always thought that during the worst of ED I was sooo amazing looking. I was looking through the pictures of myself then (they are in my profile) and I was like OMG...I look like a freaking freakish alien, with bones everywhere. I think this just goes to show that body image is really distorted. I mean the way that we view ourselves is not how others view us at all. Does this make sense? Anyway, I wanted to start a thread about body image distortion, in hopes that some of you would share your experiences with this!

Got to say the one in the green bikin you have an amazing figure. Toned with soft curves. So jealous im 5'7 and currently 132 but dont look nearly as trim as you did.

The skinny photos, you are right bones are not pretty.

I feel the same way! I remember that at work, church, any gatherings at all, people would comment on how skinny I was and I always took it as a compliment. Now I realize that they were really saying "wow, you look sick. Go eat!" I would look at myself in the mirror and see bones sticking out everywhere and feel GOOD about it. Now I look at those pictures and can't believe I EVER thought THAT was healthy. Ew! It's weird though, because even though I know this body is healthier and better for me and whatnot, I still look in the mirror and see fat. So what do I do? I try to keep away from mirrors. I know, not the best of solutions, but hey. For now, it works. And whatever I can do to keep myself on the right track is a good thing for me! 

I found i judged other people in comparison to myself.  I'd think some of the tiniest girls in my class were fat, or just fatter than me because when they'd put their head down, it looked like they had a bit of a double chin.  Now that i look at them, i see they are just what i strive to be.  Healthy!  Also I found a picture the other day where my legs reminded me of twigs. so grouse now but at the time, i still thought i was fat.

You are a very pretty girl! I think you look best in the 120ish picture. I'm F, 27, 105, 5ft 3. Sometimes I wonder if I have that body image distortion. I like the way I am now, my husband likes me 10lbs heavier. I wouldn't mind weighing more, only problem is it all goes straight to my stomach and thighs!

Great job recovering from your ED. You should be proud of yourself.    :-)

Wow, what a coincidence....I'm beginning to write my final paper for my Communication class on body image issues in girls.

But yeah distortion is such a crazy thing...because its like HOW can what i visually see be wrong? Something with the brain I'm sure...I remember crying about how fat i felt when i was at my lowest weights (78 lbs etc)...and now that I am a bit heavier than that (but still underweight), I still know I am distorted yet I do not feel as 'fat' as I did when I was that low...which definititely shows me that the more malnourished you are, the more distorted you are.

Whats crazy is that I would see girls who I would think are so thin and gorgeous and I would strive and wish I could look like them...and then I might be in a picture with them and realise looking at the picture that I was actually A LOT smaller than them!!! Quite a wake up call. Sometimes looking at photos of myself is the only way I can see my size accurately (ish?)

Body image distortion is a real thing!  I have people telling me now that I am too thin, but I can't see it.  Nor could I see it when I weighed less than this.  It seems no matter what I weigh, I feel as though I take up too much space/am too big.  Kinda speaks to it being a problem of internal self-satisfaction and not one of external satisfaction.

I started reading a book called the Body Myth by Dr. Margo Maine.  It is intended for women over 30 with body image problems and eating disorders, but I think the twenty-somethings can read it and apply it to themselves just fine.  Just skip the parts about pregnancy, birth, childrearing, menopause, retirement, etc.

(((positivelinny))) It's great that you can see now that you did not look good before and are looking better.  That should be some motivation to continue down the recovery path.

True story . . . about 12 years ago when I was at my worst w/ regard to my eating disorder, I just knew I needed to lose more weight because I had big hips and big thighs etc etc

Well my husband and I were out shopping and I caught sight of a woman in a mirror from the shoulders down.

Wow, I thought, she is MUCH too thin, her legs are just TWIGS, she looks awful! As we kept walking I saw the woman's head--yep it was me. And just like that, I immediately saw myself as very fat and bloated, completely disgusting looking.

I was really truly in the grips of my ED, and I will never forget that abrupt shift in perspective.

Wow Contrary that is a really inspirational story because it touches on the fact that the distortion of our own bodies is such a huge issue and that we can't see or don't see what others do see! I know exactly what you mean, finskafisk, I mean I look at some of my friends thinking they are way smaller and then I see us in pictures and I am horrified of how much smaller I look. But it is weird because I look smaller to myself only in the pictures, but then in real every day attire, I feel big still. AHHH

Chelseagirl, thanks for your compliment. My boyfriend agrees with you that I was my healthiest and best in that photo. But I guess that part of recovery is realizing this and then trying to understand that even at my lowest I felt exactly as big as my heaviest..so weird huh?

Torpidire, I think keeping away from mirror until we are really getting over this huge problem is a good thing. I try to just fake my mindout by saying "Lindsey you look great in those jeans" even when I feel huge. I know it is all in my mind, so I guess the only way out is to change the mindset right?

Unforgotten, I find myself looking around me too and trying to compare my body to other girls, but who gives a rats *** ?? Because honestly, the smallest girl could possibly be an anorexic too right? And the biggest girl could be the happiest right? I guess somewhere in the middle is great. I find now that I am less judgemental of size too, maybe that is part of this recovery. Instead of looking at a bigger person with disgust, I think of what an amazing type of personality they might have, or that maybe they just like to dip their strawberries in chocolate...ha. But seriously, my view of the whole body image thing is definitely changing in a good way!

I think body distortion or body dysmorphia is something that many women (especially American white women) experience even without other symptoms of an eating disorder. I think it's probably much more prevalent than we can even imagine.

I, personally, don't have an eating disorder and eat healthfully and plentifully and really enjoy my food; however, I, like you positivelinny, often times (though not always) feel exactly the same now as I did when I was overweight (25-30 lbs heavier). Although I do have good days where I feel fabulous I also have bad days where I feel like a loaf ... This similarity really struck me about your original post and I do think in the back of my mind there exists some distortion/insecurity about my appearance.

Thankfully, even on the days I feel like a loaf, I definitely now wear very small clothes so that keeps me in check - plus my friends/family tell me I look great ... so taken together, I knew a few months ago that it was time to stop losing actively and I did enter maintenance happily.

However, if I were going on feelings alone I would probably lose more and then still probably not feel great.

It's strange and bizarre and I know most of my female friends who I grew up with feel the same way as I do. Definitely cultural.

You never see yourself or value yourself as much as other people do and those with active eating disorders must experience this 100 fold.

Honestly, I don't think that people with eating disorders are the lonly ones with body image distortion. i have a three close girlfriends who are all thin (and beautiful) and I always see myself as "the big one" in the group. Not that I am fat, just bigger with more muscle and a bit more fat. More "built", as they say. Well two of the girls in that group referred to me as "the smallest" in the group, on different occasions. Neither girl was present for the other one saying it. I didn't say anything the first time, but the second time I did, and that girl (who I perceived to be the smallest in the group) made me try on her pants. They were tight around the thighs but baggy around the waist. I was shocked!!

I guess that got a bit rambely but the moral of the story that your eyes can decieve you, ladies (and gents I guess). Make sure you are being objective because we re our own worst critics!

To add to what nycgirl said, I think you are absolutely right. It is so weird that when I (and I doubt I am alone here) and upset or depressed or just plain having a bad day, I automatically feel fat? Not dumb, or useless, or even ugly... I feel fat. It must be some wierd cultural thing... I guess today the worst thing we can feel about ourselves is fatness. Kind of weird, eh?

oh my God! Yes, its such a horrible thing...today I've had a horrendous day...in the midst of a fight/misunderstanding with my roommate and another close friend, stressing about my finals, and of course my ED...and what do i think of as a solution automatically? Restricting my intake or exercising and then becoming incredibly depressed and feeling fat :(

definitely not the way to go.

 

I agree that the body image thing is definitely cultural. I think it has a lot to do with what others around you look like, too. Like when I lived in Italy, I had three roommates, all of whom were bigger than me. One was significantly overweight, the other two just a little chunky. Everyone I hung out with was bigger than me, so I felt skinny all the time by comparison. Back in the states, and I'm surrounded by tiny people, because a lot of my friends here are just smaller. And my body image changes to fit. Plus, I found that, even now, I catch myself looking at my friends and other people my age and thinking, "wow, she's really put on a few," or "she's so FAT!" when in reality, these girls are just the size they should be at my age. It's tough, because especially during the teens and twenties when girls are turning into women, our bodies are SUPPOSED to get bigger! Getting curvier is part of the process, and I have to consciously remind myself every day that it's natural. Just a few hours ago, I was looking at my brother's girlfriend (she's 16 and about 5'3" and maybe weighs 110 soaking wet) and thinking, "I wish I was that skinny!" then catching myself. I'm four years older and at least four inches taller. I wouldn't be healthy at her weight. And yet, my distorted body image wants to be. Plus, I was trying on old clothes from pre-ED that would have fallen off me just a month ago, and they ALMOST fit. It's a double edged sword: on one hand, my ED head hates that I'm almost that size again, and wants to restrict myself back down to where I was "comfortable" but on the other side, my logical self is excited that I can wear my favorite jeans again, and cheering that I'm at a healthy weight. Then I look in the mirror, see fat fat fat everywhere, and my ED head comes rearing back. It's so odd to have this constant internal battle, and something I think I'll always struggle with, since as long as I can remember, I always have. But like so many of you have said, it's something we all have to deal with, and realize that our images of ourselves are probably not accurate, and no way to go through life.

 

Everyone, don't forget: if we're healthy, it's beautiful no matter what the scale says.  

When I was 5"7 and 100lbs I was PROUD of the way I looked, but I did think I looked absolutly disgusting and tried to hide how bony I was. So idk to what extent my perception is "distorted."

I realize it's totally different for men, and I was also on the other end of the scale, but I did have big blind spot for my own body image for years.  I was about 70 lbs overweight according to the NIH.  I knew I was "a little rounded" but I didn't think of myself as "fat".  Other people did, though, and I was so much in denial I didn't hear (or else I ignored) their comments.

Anyway I thought some of the comments here sounded familiar; where some of you think you are eternally fat, no matter what you weigh, I always thought I was eternally not fat, no matter what I weighed. 

I'm awake now, and when I look pictures of myself 40 lbs ago, I am struck by how large and sad I looked. 

On the other hand, now I'm worried about being too small.  I don't want to be a small man. I've dropped from XL shirts to L and now to M.  Medium?  I'm a Medium?  OMFG, I do not want to be a small!

Polar opposite dysmorphia?  I don't know what you call it.

 

Linny, you truly look spectacular.  I think the 132 lb bikini photo is one of your best where you look both healthy and happy.  Your other photos still show a very attractive young woman, but I think that bikini shot is a great weight for you.

i've always had a pretty distorted body image, not just for me but for other people like what unforgotten said. like, i'd look at some girl and think "oh she'd be so pretty if she could just lose about 10 pounds." i had this idea that the perfect beautiful body has bones all sticking out. one day i looked in the mirror--like REALLY looked--and i started crying because i looked like the skeletal girls you see in pictures and pity because they look like they're about to keel over and die. that was really a turning point for me.

For me, focusing on my body is a way to take the focus off of myself, the areas of my life I feel unfulfilled.  It's an unfortunate trap, however.  I got sucked into anorexia and depend my whole worth on 'skinny'.

Doesn't body image seem worse on days we feel unsure of ourselves?  I've noticed that.  The more unsettled, unsure, anxious I feel, the more likely I am to pay even closer attention to my body, weight, shape, size, and what I'm eating (or not).  I'm assuming it's because I either lack the tools to deal with those feelings or have them and 1. I don't know how to use them, or 2. choose not to use them because the lure of ED is so much more seductive.

In the Body Myth I read, "our external shape can distract us from (and mask) the actual state of our psychological, spiritual, emotional, and physical lives - and disrupt our most important human relationships.  If reshaping our bodies is our first (or only) response to life's transitions, then we are living a myth that distorts our lives, no only today but also in the future."

This speaks volumes to me.  Don't mind me if I quote a lot from this book whilst I read it!

So much of our culture puts worth in the shape of the female form - it is so ingrained.  A woman is good and virtuous if thin, praised for her efforts even if they may be rather unhealthy.  Why are older, 'fatter' women systematically paid less and promoted less often than younger, thinner women?  It makes me angry, yet I buy into it with this damn ED!

You looked thin even in the bathing suit photo at 132!  Way too thin below 100.

 You're so tall, I can't believe you'd ever want to be below 120.

 

Anyway, I'm a guy, but I had the exact opposite kind of dysmorphia.

 

I from the time when I broke 230 until I peaked at 275, I honestly thought I looked all right, just a little "burly".  My wife complained about the weight, and my clothes no longer fit, but I looked in the mirror after a shower and thought I looked fine.

Finally, I saw a video of myself walking down the street that my wife took of me from behind.  I didn't recognize myself. I thought I was looking at some obese person.  It took me a little while to accept that that was me.  I went to the walgreens and weighed myself for the first time in 3 or for years and was SHOCKED at my weight.

 Now I'm determined to not trust my lying eyes and just try to aim for a healthy BMI.

 

I hate going to the mall becuase there are mirrors everywhere:( i always just end up getting depressed by the time i leave becuase of what i look like it sucks.
Sometimes i will tell myself before i go that i AM NOT going to look in any mirrors there (even tho that is very very hard) and that helps if i can actually do it.

But then sometimes i look at my friend who i think is really thin and if we are walking down the street and i look at our reflection in the window i am thinner than she is. but when its by myself i look HUGE.

it just sucks.