Health & Support

I saw my ED doctor today and she's recommending I go inpatient.  I'll know in the next few days where exactly and when.

I don't feel like I belong there yet and definitely don't deserve it. 

(((HUGGS)))
Hon they don't send you to stay in the hospital for nothing.  Your ED doctor is worried about you and wants to see you get well.
Don't you deserve to be in the best health that you can be?

Don't you deserve to be in the best health that you can be?

i agree with that...eroth you deserve to get better and live happily without an ED..[=

I agree with the other posters.  You really shouldn't look at it as something you don't "deserve".  Going to the hospital and getting treatment is not a punishment.  If your doctor is recommending that you go inpatient, he or she probably is really worried about you and feels that your situation is quite serious.

I have been inpatient three times, for depression, not for ED.  The most important thing I learned was that no amount of therapy or hospitalization will really help until YOU are ready to help yourself.   Every time I went, nothing changed.  Then, finally one day (after 2 years of suffering daily), I just decided that I couldn't go on living like that and pulled myself out of it.  I realize that this isn't the solution for everyone, but being aware that there is a serious problem and committing yourself to fixing it is a really wonderful first step.  All the best of luck and support to you, whatever your choice is!

Oh sweetie, this isn't about getting punished by inpatient, it's about getting you healthy and happy. Sure it's not exactly a resort situation, you won't be sunning yourself by the pool oggling cute cabana boys. But you have the chance to get yourself healthy enough to go do something like that, to figure out how you want to live, how you want your marriage to be, all that good stuff.

I know I'm speaking to you from the other side, and it probably seems as far away as the moon. You CAN do this, I am living proof it can be done. I'm now happily married, enjoy my career and best of all my ED does NOT control me. I lay the smack down on that bad boy, I own it, and I'm not ruled by it.

<<hug>>

Thank you all for your support (((hugs)))

I want to get out of this cycle of destroying myself over and over again.  I know my doctors, therapist, and nutritionist wouldn't recommend it if I didn't need it.  I just feel guilty because in the past two years I've been in inpatient treatment 3 times!  I guess part of my job is figuring out why I keep letting this get to that point.

I'm really scared because this has to be the last time I go.  I need to get to the bottom of this problem.

I'm really anxious waiting to find out when and where I will go as well.

Gotta jump, but more later. 

I have been ip like I said many times and the last time I went it was the worst program but I wanted recovery more then anything. I worked on ways to cope and really make recovery work op. You can do this. I understand your guilt feelings BUT that is the ed talking. People who are sick regardless of illness get help and don't feel guilty. That is a sign there that you need more help. You need to look at the facts and what others are telling you that you need right now because your mind is too in the depth of the ed. Email me if you like I was wondering hw the Renfrew assesment went I think. You can do this and don't keep waiting till you get worse and end up in the er. You want to make informed decisions and not have them made for you. Many thoughts

I'm having a hard time tonight.  I am not wanting to do this and am more scared than I've ever been.  I feel as though I am destroying everything!

I want answers and a resolution now, but don't have either.  I want it over, but am afraid of what's on the other side.

I want to stay exactly as I am but know I cannot life like this.  I am so damn confused. 

If you need to talk it out, then talk.
You are part of this community and we are here for you.
We may not have all the answers, but we can listen.

There are times when I think ED people have a desire to die young like type I diabetics who do not control their sugar. Both have not reason out what they REALLY want out of life that is actually realistic. Especially striking since both show life shortening choices at similar ages.  For a change ask your therapists if they see any similarity between you and such diabetic people. See if your attitudes are reflected there. Maybe if you realize you have more choices than type1 diabetics, you can get better control of your ED behavior.  Type 1 diabetic people sometimes ARE unaware that the earliest people diagnosed with diabetes HAVE lived to their 80's with a sound mind despite been a diabetic all their lives. They may have been told, but do they believe to the point they apply it to themselves? I think some become overwhelmed and rebellious over the way their disease places restrictions. Maybe you are in rebellion over the way your body is not what you want. Not really a good way to be - look at Michael Jackson- even money and the best surgery will not give you what you want long term.  Everyone has restrictions, some minor, some major. Yours is ED? See if you can be inspired by those who dicided to overcome their limitations. Terry Fox for one is a strange case with so many inspired by what he did. I remember when he started his run-almost a 'what a weirdo' tone to his action by the Media. May be get a few books fom the library on people who overcame difficulties to read when you are inpatient. Never know if their coping stratagies will be right for you.

Original Post by nsgardener:

There are times when I think ED people have a desire to die young like type I diabetics who do not control their sugar. Both have not reason out what they REALLY want out of life that is actually realistic........  I think some become overwhelmed and rebellious over the way their disease places restrictions. Maybe you are in rebellion over the way your body is not what you want. Not really a good way to be - look at Michael Jackson- even money and the best surgery will not give you what you want long term. Everyone has restrictions, some minor, some major. Yours is ED? See if you can be inspired by those who dicided to overcome their limitations.

Wow, I never thought of it this way.  Especially the restrictions my disease has placed on my life or rather the restrictions I have placed on myself because of the disease.

I am definitely in rebellion with my body, a civil war of sorts!  I just wish I knew what it was that I really wanted if it's not a certain body type.  

I got through the night safely, I just had to take some anti-anxiety meds and a sleeping pill.

I am still feeling unsure of myself, sigh.  Wishing I could 'fix' this myself, but realizing I cannot.  I continue to restrict my eating severely and use laxatives.  I feel unable to stop on my own.  I don't know if it's unwillingness, fear, or what????

 

Fear is very powerful.

I had to figure out what I feared in order to get healthy both from anorexia and from the abuse I'd experienced as a small child.

I also needed to learn that various coping mechanisms that let me survive the abuse were not helping me as an adult.

Another thing I had to learn was that I was not a bad person because I'd developed those coping mechanisms. I was very good at beating myself up, put a LOT of energy into that as it sounds you do as well. That left little to no energy for me to put into recovery, which also sounds like where you are.

Honestly Eroth412, what is the worst thing that can happen if you recover? What's behind the ED? What are you really truly scared of?

Fear is normal and can be a good sign though it doesn't feel like it. The issue is though you need to push through these fears and do what is best for you in the long run. I think the ed can distort that so listening to the people who care to direct you. Also write down the facts. One you said you continue to restrict and two you use laxatives and are unable to stop on your own. The support of the program can help you and just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it won't now. You can make recovery happen. What happened with the program and choices? Please stay safe

Original Post by contrary:

Fear is very powerful.

Another thing I had to learn was that I was not a bad person because I'd developed those coping mechanisms. I was very good at beating myself up, put a LOT of energy into that as it sounds you do as well. That left little to no energy for me to put into recovery, which also sounds like where you are.

Honestly Eroth412, what is the worst thing that can happen if you recover? What's behind the ED? What are you really truly scared of?

The worst thing that will happen if I recover is that I will feel lost and not have my 'life preserver' anymore to save me.  I'm afraid I will drown without ED.  I know what it is, it's measurable, and keeps me 'safe'.  I don't know what's behind it anymore.  So many things.

Hope3333:

 "The support of the program can help you and just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it won't now. You can make recovery happen. What happened with the program and choices?"

True.  I have an assessment at a place called Walden on Wednesday (I was there a year ago and relapsed afterwards) which accepts Medicare.  It isn't the best around, but decent.  And like you said just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it won't work now.  My other option is to wait until the start of January and use my 'commercial' insurance at Princeton or a place in Florida.  Though there are no guarantees there will be availability in either of these programs the first week of January.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what's best for me anymore.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I should return to the program in Denver I was at up until October.  They know me and I feel we can pick up where I left off and figure out what went wrong.  I didn't think it would be financially feasible, but my mom's gonna help with some of it.

I  just have to hold it together until I get there, assuming insurance will approve the treatment.

That sounds like  rational, reasonable decision. When could you enter the program again?

Sending lots of love your way.

Its great you can see my point. I could see someone not ready to tackle her ED rejecting it. You know the story about glass filled with 50% air, 50%water. Some call it half empty, others call it half full. depending on how you call it, your views can lead to different behavior. If you think of it as half full you may think about finding another bottle to finish filling; if you think of it as half empty, you will search for a fuller glass or find a new glass to fill since you do not want to drink out of someone else's cup.  An ED person is a person who cannot get beyond "body Image"? A person who who still has problems with ED is someone who cannot quite let go that body image is important? And some one who never again has problems with ED making them unhealthy, has gaols that finaly make ED a waste of too much time and resources?  Talk to people -you will find the right view sometimes can make all the difference. The last time my husband caught me hitting our daughter (about the terrible two's, with a mother at wits end and cranky herself situation), he asked WHY?. Since it was more a token punishment- more shock than hurt, needless to say I got defensive. (vaguely guilty too because I had not really toughed about it before deciding on a light smack- an automatic, "learned" behavior. Also since he was there I could have left the displining to him). Defensively I said I got similar hits from my mother. His dry comment of " and that really worked did it?" made me realize I had always resented it from my mother though it did teach me my mothers limits. After that I NEVER even considered smacking as a deterrent with my daughter- gone like as if I never ever behaved that way. The "right" revelation CAN change people.  (luckly for me my changed behavior worked - some people have said they HAVE HAD to resort to more than words with their children when dealing with really bad behavior )  Maybe you are too far into your ED problem to have a Zen revelation, enlightment. But you acknowleging you do not want ED ruling your life is surely progress!  ( you used the term civil war !)

 

 Another way overcoming ED is difficult in my view, is that you may not have something to replace it with especially if you started in your young teens. All your"adult" life you think of certain demands on your body. To replace that with something else can seem so major- complety shattering change from your previouls life. A tsumani of change. Remember in past times  a 12-14 year old would be thinking about who she will be married to. If she has to move in with the inlaws or if she might die in childbirth. THAT surely will get ones mind off the problems of body shape. If an arranged marriage, what her body is, would be closely examined by potential in laws. The skinny beauty that is todays ideal would not be considered at all "nice"- if nothing else the hassle of getting a new bride to look after any baby that survive the  childbirth from a mother with low reserves of body fat.  Yes our ED disorders are a problem of the "success" of our society since our society has changed so much. One does not try to look good to attract a good husband or father, one trys to achieve "look"  purely for status -admiration of friends, the trophy Boyfriend, etc. (male values are similary changed -they are not looking for a good wife or mother in the girls/women they meet.)  It is not really  that sad- DO you really want to be valued just for your child bearing ability? your womb?  We just have to figure out a way for those susceptible to "body- type- gives- you-success -in- life" belief becoming so dominant that it causes ill health and a unnecessary short life. THERE are other ways people can get "obsessed"- religion, money or  social status. Those views of"sucess in life"(or afterlife in the case of religion) can make life difficult- in those cases more for those around them rather than the more personal cost of ED. (for example the religiously or politicaly motivated suicide bomber).  You could be worse????

 

Thank you for your insights (((nsgardener)))

I am a bit of 'glass half empty' kind of gal so that does make changing behavior difficult.  Somehow, I find comfort and safety in anorexia and it is very difficult for me to let it go and allow the true me to shine through.  I really don't know who that person is, nor do I think I trust her.  

I spoke with the program in Denver and they are so awesome.  I can return as soon as Jan. 3, but more likely the following Monday (7th) because it takes a day or so to jump through insurance hoops and they only admit Monday thru Thursday.

I am nervous but relieved to have made a decision.  My anxiety is really high right now and my biggest fear is being sent to a regular hospital in the two weeks before I get to Denver.  I tend to have a really over-active imagination. 

I am proud of you for getting help. I know how hard this is for you but hopefully this can be the start to better times. Please stay safe till them and don't let the ed voice make you worse before ip. Maybe since you know you think the half glass thing it is something you can work on ip too. For me trying to focus on the positives is very important in moving forward and having better self esteem and mood. Keep us updated and I hope this is your last ip and the start to better times

Thank you (((Hope))).

I feel really anxious and an extreme sense of urgency to just get to treatment already because I am only making myself really sick right now.  I can't seem to stop myself.  On some level I know what I am doing is stupid and totally self-defeating, but it's compulsive too.   I make no sense anymore!

 "On some level I know what I am doing is stupid and totally self-defeating, but it's compulsive too.   I make no sense anymore! "     people with post traumatic syndrome have that problem too. So many ways our minds can be so difficult to manage. Be positive. People do manage to get out of such thinking.  Very difficult but not impossible. Try to calm your anxiety and sense of urgency- you ARE getting things done.