Weight Loss

I'm so frustrated at the moment... it seems that I'm in a constant struggle with my body.   I don't really expect any replies, just need to vent....

Yesterday I had a really bad day body image wise, which resulted in 4hrs of exercise.  I just thought how fat I am, and I MUST lose weight, ASAP... and because I ate 'normally' felt that I had to burn the calories because I'll just keep gaining weight if I don't.  I've gained 10lbs since Jan.... my weight is just all over the place. 

I know it's a lifestyle - healthy eating... and, I don't even eat badly - bad for me are sugar free cookies made with kamut flour/maple syrup and molasses.  And fresh ginger.  YUM.  Err... but yeah, there're not bad... but if I eat them I feel bad.

And from yesterday, the scale has dropped 3.5lbs.  I know it can't be real weight.... but, it's that instant drop that motivates me.  I'm so sick of seeing the same numbers.  I want to drop weight, not maintain. 

How will I ever do this normally?  By that I mean, eating proper meals, and exercising moderately.  I just feel that 1hr of exercise isn't enough, so then I'll pop in a pilates dvd, then.... nope, not enough so I'll do an hour of spinning.... then more pilates.... on and on.........

And.... how can I eat more?  I physically feel that I can't eat more than twice a day.  Breakfast (protein shake) and late lunch/dinner (giant salad with roasted veggies, beans, sprouts)  I'll eat some cookies after dinner, and sometimes random fruits througout the day.... but.......... argh!  I feel so stuck.   I just want to lose 15lbs.  That will put me at the low end of healthy for my bmi, which I can deal with.... bmi is a load of crap anyway, it doesn't take into account muscles.

grrrr.  help me.

I see you're recovering from an ED which isn't easy at all. I also see you're a raw foodist which worries me, honestly. I know you said you're just venting, which is my favorite past time. I just happened to read it and my red flags went up. Are you doing ok there?

Hi spiro, thanks for asking.  I'm.... ok'ish.  Had an overwhelming day yesterday... recovering from ED hell isn't easy, you're right. 

I just feel like I'll never be normal with food/exercise, and that frustrates me because I want more than anything for that to be my existance at this point.  It's gone on long enough.

It's especially frustrating when I can rationally see my thoughts and how they relate to my actions, yet I still feel as though I have no control over the obsessiveness (?)  and the false sense of control I feel by losing weight.

blah blah blah.  Venting is a wonderful past time.

What sucks even more is the fact I feel very little pain from all of the exercise, which leads me to believe I can actually do this on a regular basis.  (Rationally I know this is not true)

Thanks again for your reply, it's greatly appreciated.