Health & Support

Hi. Yesterday a big can of worms was opened and now there's tension between me and my sister. She read my 'diary' (which just looks like a notepad but I hide it away) and it had a thing or two to say about her.

I wrote a few days ealier about what a mean sister she is. And she is, she's always attacking me and my five-year old sister, physically and typical childish bullying but then pretends to be nice at school or just the next minute like nothing's happened. So I vented in this diary, about how she didn't seem to realise that she's a horrible person I just said really bad things like that she's 'malicious' then I finished it offed with, 'at least I'm thinner, taller, have clearer skin' and I know its sound really really really stupid but then I wrote 'I'd like to beat her at everything or have a career where I'm everywhere like a supermodel' (so I'd be everywhere she looks - but I'm not actually going to be one. Short, fat and ugly - lol) I wrote it in a kind of 'get-my-come-uppance way' but I meant I just kind of want to be way more succesful.

So then she came downstairs and said she read the thing. She seemed angered and just started arguing with me. Although she shouldn't have read it I feel bad. I feel angry she's abused my privacy, the book was my place to vent but everytime I've tried to tell her to lay of me and my younger sister she's just shout even louder so I won't explain why she's horrible anymore. Its that bad I wish she wasn't my sister and I hate talking to her but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Today I went into her room (she took my camera without asking) and on her front desk was a peice of paper saying: "She's your competition - another one to add onto the list" I don't want to think like that, be her 'competiton' or get into any scary competitive dieting with her and I don't want her getting hurt anymore by it. I still don't consider myself her friend but I don't want her getting any ideas when she's sees me excercising at home. Do I have to stop? I can't talk to her, she's hard to reason with. She'll just raise her voice or lash out and try to hit me.

I'm feeling really helpless about the situation. Has anyone gone through this with anbody? Does anybody know what I should do? I thank you for taking the time to read this.

Where are your parents when this is happening?

Have you told your parents that this is beyond just sibling arguements that your sister is yelling at you and your other sister and is hitting you?

Thanks for replying.

They do recognise that she's not very nice. They do notice. There are always arguments which end in tears especially with my little sister of little things like the remote and stuff - I don't blame her for fighting back, she's set that example by the one thats fighting her. We all get fed up, sometimes I just feel like not defending anyone and just going out for a walk, I understand my parents not doing anything too drastic. It'll carry on. She's been shouted at and been told to stop. Its not just sudden, she's been argumentative and the 'badly-behaved' daughter that pretends to be nice elsewhere since I can remember. It just feels like something we have to deal with. Besides its not full-blown fights she leaves scratches and will dig her nails in but won't do anything too damaging. She's not horrible all the time, she'll act OK unless theres an argument.

Well, the issue is that I've read about friends/sisters/twins (she's not my twin, she's older) having competitive diets and it all ends in tears. There's been no real fights today. Just her 'nicer' self. But I will adress the fighting to my parents again since my little sister's involved.

I feel really bad about the things I wrote. Has anyone been told they're not as good as anyone else and that's spurred them on to drastically diet? I probably would. I only wrote it to make myself feel better. Should I just leave it until she raises the issue again?

My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up, but we never got physical.  The bickering never stopped between us except when our parents made us and even then we told them we were debating...basically we verbally sparred because we had nothing better to do and sometimes one of us would step over the line and leave tears in the wake.

Scratches and bruises are unnacceptable unless you're both deliberately fighting with each other and it's truly accidental damage.  It sounds to me like it's beyond "not very nice" and she's not just picking on you like siblings do but she's deliberately scratching and getting her way by being threatening.  BTW, those scratches and dug in nails can leave scars and can get infected, there's nothing quite as nasty as what human do to each other.

She basically got what she deserved imo by snooping where she didn't belong.  You could mitigate it by telling her that that's how you sometimes feel about her but that other times she's almost nice.  This is usually true of all of us that in the moment we really dislike whomever has upset us or their actions at a minimum but the rest of the time we sometimes like them.

Don't feel bad. But just explain to her, after she calms down, that (1) you were mad when you wrote that and (2) thats basically how you feel.

My sister used to physically abuse me too, and it turned out she had anger issues. Maybe she should see a councilor?

My friend's older sister is like that.  She's sweet as honey in public, and their mother is oblivious.  But still he showed up with scratches and marks, it just kept getting worse.  Eventually, it got to the point where she was really hurting him, leaving bigger bruises and  she even broke his finger once.

He lives with his father now, so they're not around each other.  So I don't really have a solution, but I want to make the point: things that start as 'sibling rivalry' and can elevate quickly.  Maybe try talking to your parents more, they should be more concerned.  Take care of yourself.

If all she does is lash out, physically and verbally, you can't help her.  You can't force her to let you try and work through whatever's making her act the way she does.

And, I don't think you did anything wrong, so don't feel guilty.  You completely controlled your anger, but didn't keep your feelings bottled inside.  Writing it out was the perfect solution, you did the right thing, she didn't.

Good luck.

Wow. Thanks for your support guys. I'll make sure I say something next time and make it clear to my parents it can't go on. She's been OK since, which is kind of putting me on edge because I expect her to do something about it. Writing things out totally helps! I believe I'll come out stronger in the end.

Thankyou so much, again.

Maybe one of these quiet times is a better time to have the conversation with her?  You'll have to make the judgement call as to whether it's going to instigate something or if it might be beneficial.

Tell her that you know she gets upset sometimes and you don't understand why she goes over the top (she probably doesn't either unless she's extremely manipulative - very few people are that bad), but that the journal which she read was your over the top reaction to hers.  You can be sorry that she feels hurt by what you wrote without being sorry that you wrote it or felt that way at that time.

I'm going to be very direct with you because you're missing something. One quality or attribute of a person doesn't make up a whole package. Several don't either.There are things we like and dislike in everyone. Including our family, friends, and siblings. We don't simply love everything about them simply because they're close to us. There are aspects that we could do without by preference, but that doesn't mean we could or want to do without the person that possesses it. Or that we should be reprimanded for it. It's painful to watch your closet relationships cast aside, because someone can't see the that they aren't a list of attribute or qualities to you. To you they were just your sister ... your friend. Ect. It's not uncommon to fight with people you love. People that are closest to each other know just how to press each others buttons. Afterall, they were the ones that installed them to begin with. You aren't poor little victim and neither is she...you're just sisters. There are going to be lots of reasons to dislike your sister. I promise. But, she's your sister. . . I have four sisters two of which are younger than me and two older. I've fought with all of them at one time or another in different ways. Some people say "Sisters don't fight " Well, I'm here to tell you that they do! They just have different tactics that's all. There have been times that my sisters and I were more like enemies to each other. Regardless of that... Everytime something serious has occurred we've been there for each other. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my sisters. The missing component is that at the end of the day. . . You each have one redeeming quality the fact you're sisters. She will always have things you dislike about her. You may never lash out physically but that doesn't make you a monk. I've had physical altercations with my siblings because they stuck out at me. I always tried not to hurt my sisters physically. Even when they took it to that degree with me. Some siblings fight dirty. If you think nails are nasty try having someone break out sparring with you. Followed by you trying to hold them off. Trying to do the least damage to them, just being on the defense only to have them go on a  biting spree as if they're part dog. ( I do have a tip for you though. If you ever fight your sister and are holding her down. Don't let her up based on " Are you going to be calm?  The whole I'll let you up when you calm down. " They may be calm but they'll believe they upped you one. As if they won something over you. Hold them down till they fall asleep. ) I'm not saying that I never provoked them though. There are other tactics to fight someone to inflict pain. There are things about you that she dislikes too. I think you should just honestly talk to your sister. I'm always direct with my sisters they know if I'm upset with them. They don't have to read about it in my journal or find out from through a mutual source. Harboring bitterness is never productive with those you love.  P.S. Neither is biting.