Pregnancy & Parenting
Moderators: bierorama


LOCKED TOPIC

When should i have a baby?


Quote  |  Reply

I'm 20 years old and my fiance soon to be husband in three months is 21.  I am a pre med student and plan on starting med school in three years. My fiance is working on an associates degree in computers.  I want to have a baby a year after we get married but everyone is telling me to wait until I'm done with college, but that won't be until I'm around 29-30! i don't want to wait that long! what should i do?

Edited Aug 17 2009 01:23 by msmysz
Reason: Locked because thread has strayed off topic multiple times, and OP hasn't logged on since posting.
54 Replies (last)

I'm 22 and fresh out of graduating. I've been with my bf for years now but I'll be honest - education has always ALWAYS been my top priority above family. I seriously  knuckled down and worked my ass off for 3 years, but it was worth it as I came out with a first. I was lacking in sleep, stressed and constantly cranky. I only saw the bf at weekends if that, as he was studying too, but no joke, I had no free time (and no, I didnt party! lol) Studying medicine, I can vouch for this being the same case for you!

However, on the other hand I can see this the other way....I guess what you have to decide is: do you want to be there during your child's growth and development (ie until they go off to full time education at 4YO) of are you happy for someone else to raise your children? As a medical practitioner, taking time out from your career after graduating will seriously impair your knowledge of the field and advances in science, and it will make it so much harder for you to get into the field again.

Its honestly your call, but at least you have our opinions :)

ladies,do not get mad about crazyperson01 there is always a loser who drops a line and laughs behind the computer...

lord have mercy.  what a ****.

I am 33 with four kids. I got an associates degree before I got married. At the time, I thought I would have my kids (I never planned on having 4!) and then get my education later. I have only managed to take a few online classes since then. It is hard to do it with little ones. They demand so much time and attention. By the time they are in bed at night I am wiped out. I have enough trouble keeping the house clean and remembering to go out of the house in something besides my pajammas. I can't tell you the last time I showed up somewhere without food smeared all over my shirt from the baby. I will be 37 when they are all in school full time. I think to myself that sure, I could go back to school when the baby starts first grade. And then I realize......how am I going to fit school and my own homework in when I will have all of their school activities, such as sports and dance, taw-kwon-do, soccer, basketball, homework help, etc. etc? ! It is going to be tricky. I think school first is a good idea.

Please keep the thread on topic, or it risks being locked.

As per the posting guidelines:

  • Your post is subject to modification or deletion by our moderators. Repetitive, off-topic, disruptive, and frivolous posts will be removed. We will take down any posts that violate either the letter or the spirit of any of these rules.

Thank you,
Cecily
Volunteer Moderator

uh oh...way to go. now moms about to pull the car over.

uhhhhhh! not fair! she started it!

*kicks seat*

*pouts*

Frown

Sennis1105-on behalf of all these women and me, I am sorry we were feuding about a topic that's very personal and dear to you-when to have  a baby is a big decison. Talk with your family, friends, people who have gone through the same thing(people you know personally, that is). Don't talk to us, a bunch of strangers. and, msot of all, do what's in your heart.

I'm very sorry for ruining your post.

Good luck in weight loss and in your marriage.

That's the great thing about talking to 'strangers' on the forums.  Despite an occasional disagreement, these boards are a great place for support and advice.  Whether you know any of these women or not, many have walked in your shoes and can offer insight into your situation because they're already been there, done that.

Sennis1105, I would recommend waiting to have children, but that's what I did.  I finished my batchelor's degree, moved to another city for work, and then had a baby.  I'm a stay at home mom now, so I'm not using my degree, but I think it worked out better that way.  I was 26 when I had my son and 28 when I had my daughter.  My husband changed careers just before we had our son (and I still worked until he was 9 months old), and it allowed me to be a stay at home mom.  We could not have afforded to do it if we'd had kids right away.  I know staying home is probably not in your plans, but if you wait, you will more than likely be financially stable.  Daycare is very expensive for infants.  That on top of tuition, books, and monthly bills can really add up.  Just a thought! :) 

Hi sennis!

I'm 23, been married for one year, and am going back to school now to finish a bachelor's I should have finished years ago.  I don't have children of my own, but I have my step daughter (3 years old) from Thursday through Sunday. 

Have you considered costs in all of this?  Until recently, I had no clue how much adequate day care would cost...And it's unreal.  In my area, adequate day care will cost us around $500-600/month.  You have to consider also that most day cares don't take infants until they are 6 weeks old.  That's alot of time out of your already busy sounding schedule.  And what happens if you're in the middle of med school and there are complications with the pregnancy, birth, or even with your child? 

30 is not old, 40 is not too old (though from what I hear, may be slightly more difficult to conceive at)...If you really, really want to pursue something like med school, I suggest you wait until done.  I'm waiting until I'm done with just my little ol' bachelor's degree to have our first child.  It's worth it to me to be able to focus solely on my career and family and to be stable financially.

From everyone's posts, it looks like an overwhelming "yes" you should wait to have kids (At least, that I saw--don't attack me if I missed any). Since 30 years old can look like an awfully long time to wait when you are ready so early, can I suggest that maybe you finish your bachelor's degree at the very least before making the decision on kids? This might be a good compromise. I'm not sure what bachelor degree is suggested for getting your pre-med, but perhaps get your RN so you can still work in the same career field--chock up some job experience and after a break, restart school to get your MD.

That's all a shot in the dark because I have no idea what the requirements are for obtaining your PhD. Also, it's not meant to be sexist (in a women are nurses, men are doctors way) or anything to that nature, so please don't take it that way.

Anyway, doing it that way, you may not have to wait as long to start your family, you will be more financially stable (you will make good money as a nurse and your husband might be done with school...?). On the Con side, it will take that much longer to finish your PhD and people are always going on about "once you stop, you'll never go back" (which I find is total crap--if it's what you really want, you'll find a way)

I guess it just depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice, you know? At this point in my life, I feel like every second of my day is taken up by something. In order to focus on one thing, I have to neglect the others. My priorities are my husband, my son, school, work, housework, usually in that order. Obviously, it can be assumed that my house looks like a tornado slashed through it most of the time. It depends on your personality as well--so if you think you can do it, do it . Just be aware of the amount of stress you will be under. Having a baby, getting married, buying a house, going to college are considered the highest stress points in people's lives.

I hate to sound so negative, truly, especially when I am in this situation and I am really happy. In the end, it is obviously your choice. If you decide you want to have a baby now, then you're going to have one. Some people don't mind doing it. I have a light at the end of the tunnel--exactly 11 months, actually. The tunnel's going to be a few years longer for you. :)  

Original Post by lbh:

30 is not old, 40 is not too old (though from what I hear, may be slightly more difficult to conceive at)...If you really, really want to pursue something like med school, I suggest you wait until done.  I'm waiting until I'm done with just my little ol' bachelor's degree to have our first child.  It's worth it to me to be able to focus solely on my career and family and to be stable financially.

 I think this is kind of funny. When my grandmother gave birth to her last child (in the mid-70s) she was 40 and the doctor recommended an abortion (no joke). Now people don't bat at eye, especially since 60 year olds are still popping about babies. Technology is crazy. I think its great for those that struggle getting pregnant, but sheesh. Is it really wise to have a baby only 7 or 8 years before the end of an average person's life span (er, the 60 year olds, not the 40 year olds lol)? That's like having a baby just to donate it to someone else.

I'm sorry. That was kind of off topic...It does fit though--it's not always a good idea to wait... too long, at least. Chances of something being wrong with the baby are increased, not to mention, what age do you want to be when they finally move out? *cringes in anticipation of any recoil this comment this might cause* Smile

Original Post by annkatcom:

Original Post by lbh:

30 is not old, 40 is not too old (though from what I hear, may be slightly more difficult to conceive at)...If you really, really want to pursue something like med school, I suggest you wait until done.  I'm waiting until I'm done with just my little ol' bachelor's degree to have our first child.  It's worth it to me to be able to focus solely on my career and family and to be stable financially.

 I think this is kind of funny. When my grandmother gave birth to her last child (in the mid-70s) she was 40 and the doctor recommended an abortion (no joke). Now people don't bat at eye, especially since 60 year olds are still popping about babies. Technology is crazy. I think its great for those that struggle getting pregnant, but sheesh. Is it really wise to have a baby only 7 or 8 years before the end of an average person's life span (er, the 60 year olds, not the 40 year olds lol)? That's like having a baby just to donate it to someone else.

I'm sorry. That was kind of off topic...It does fit though--it's not always a good idea to wait... too long, at least. Chances of something being wrong with the baby are increased, not to mention, what age do you want to be when they finally move out? *cringes in anticipation of any recoil this comment this might cause* Smile

annkatcom, no worries, i always like to hear what you have to say girl. oh, and i like your idea of bachelors first, then maybe kids... good rational suggestion.

i thought about having another after i lost my boy three years ago at the age of 44. i decided it was just not something i wanted to do all over 14 years after my last even if i had been willing. the fear of a downs syndrome baby at my age is no laughing matter either.

Original Post by annkatcom:

Original Post by lbh:

30 is not old, 40 is not too old (though from what I hear, may be slightly more difficult to conceive at)...If you really, really want to pursue something like med school, I suggest you wait until done.  I'm waiting until I'm done with just my little ol' bachelor's degree to have our first child.  It's worth it to me to be able to focus solely on my career and family and to be stable financially.

 I think this is kind of funny. When my grandmother gave birth to her last child (in the mid-70s) she was 40 and the doctor recommended an abortion (no joke). Now people don't bat at eye, especially since 60 year olds are still popping about babies. Technology is crazy. I think its great for those that struggle getting pregnant, but sheesh. Is it really wise to have a baby only 7 or 8 years before the end of an average person's life span (er, the 60 year olds, not the 40 year olds lol)? That's like having a baby just to donate it to someone else.

I'm sorry. That was kind of off topic...It does fit though--it's not always a good idea to wait... too long, at least. Chances of something being wrong with the baby are increased, not to mention, what age do you want to be when they finally move out? *cringes in anticipation of any recoil this comment this might cause* Smile

 No recoil hereLaughing! Personally, 40+ is out MY child-bearing range...50+ is really not a great idea for the average person and then those people who find it acceptable to have children at 60+ are just crazy. (Actually DH would like for us NOT to have any children past 35 because of plans for when they are out of the house...And I'm shooting for last child before 32.)

Get a dog... they're better, and tons cuter!!

#35  
Quote  |  Reply

Absolutely complete all of your education before having kids.   Trying to balance children and med school will be extremely difficult.  I have 3 kids, and I am so glad I did all of my schooling first.  There is no way I could go to school now; the children consume my whole day (in a good way) and the nights too.  Sure, you could do daycare, but it is difficult to find a good place, very expensive, you will worry about the kids when they are there, you might feel guilty that the daycare lady is experiencing all of their milestones and daycare is not 24 hours a day. Kids require around the clock attention.  I can see med school getting pushed to the backburner and you do not want to risk resenting your children.  

29-30 is not old.  Most people I know had their first children around 33 or 34.  If you finish med school you will have your career and won't worry about how you will support your children. 

Don't listen to carmenxoxo-comparing a dog to a child is SICK!

actually crazyperson, i think i agree with carmen (surely a lesser-known sign of armageddon).

i may not have the same views about having kids as carmen (understatement), but a dog may help feed some of those mothering tendancies while OP is in school.

i think its a perfectly valid suggestion. great idea, carmen.

 

watergirl-carmen isn't saying to have a dog FIRST and THEN have a baby. she

s saying to have a dog instead, saying their equal! people are not equal to animals and believe me i love my dogs!but their not equal!

Original Post by crazyperson01:

Don't listen to carmenxoxo-comparing a dog to a child is SICK!

i think you need help.

the OP is 20 years old.  "get a dog" is a perfectly reasonable suggestion for a 20 year old student who's considering having a baby.

and dogs are "better" in many ways.  they don't require diapers and daycare; they don't usually wake you up in the middle of the night, and if they do, there's probably a good reason.  they protect your person and property (or at least they'll look like they might do so, making you a less likely target of crime).  they clean themselves.  they make you exercise when you'd rather sit on the couch.

babies can't do any of those things.

Yes, we got a dog while I was in grad school - it is something you can spend your nurturing on that doesn't require so much of your time, space, or money.

Wanting a baby is really mostly about wanting something to nurture, watch grow, and share  your time with.  Not a perfect substitute, but like having an apple while you wait for dinnertime.

But IF the OP decides to go with a dog, she really needs to consider a breed that does well at home alone.  A lab, for instance, while a good dog, would not be a good choice, as they are puppies forever and they don't like being alone.

54 Replies (last)
Advertisement
Advertisement