Question for Parents and Future Parents

Ok, this might be a weird question but hopefully some of you who are parents, or are trying to become parents, will still take the time to answer.

I'd just like to know how you truly know that you want kids. I've asked my older sisters but all of them just answered something along the lines of "you just know"... Not very helpful. And, well, I don't know!

It's not like I am strongly against it. I think I could handle it ok, and not screw up the kid too bad   and I'm sure I would love the kid and all that jazz.... But I still feel like something is missing, you know. Like I am suppose to know for sure that this is something I want (or not) because that what it seems to me that all other women do..  Either they know they want kids, or they know that they don't. And me? l I just feel ambivalent about it and it's getting really annoying.

So did you know that you wanted kids? How did you know?

 

I'm 27 btw and I am married. We've talked about kids before and he says he would like kids but also says he would be ok if I decided not to. I know he would be a great father, because he really is a very caring and affectionate person. But at the same time I feel like he hasn't really thought about what it is like because he, quite frankly, doesn't have any experience with kids. He has one niece and she was born last year. He hasn't even seen her in person yet.

I on the other hand have nine nieces and nephews and I have done my fair share of babysitting.

And then there is the question of things that could go wrong. Not every baby that is born is going to be perfect. What if we have a child with major health problems, or a child with Down's Syndrome... I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but you have to admit that it does put an entirely different set of responsibility on the parents on top of the responsibility of just being parents in the first place.

I don't know... maybe I just tend to over think things and focus on the bad things too much, whereas he has more of a "cross that bridge when we get to it" approach. I don't know which one is better in this case..

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling.. Anything you could tell me about you and how you view parenthood (especially before actually becoming a parent) would be appreciated. Thanks.

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I'm one of those people who don't know if i want kids but lean towards no. I have been putting thought into it because of my husband. I'm almost 31 he's pushing 40 and he thinks he wants kids.

I think some people or most know for sure 100% they want kids and it's something they have wanted for as long as they can remember. I have never thought about wanting kids.

I don't  want to give up my career and everything I love to do like travel, fishing, hunting etc.... and I know my husband would consider being a stay at home dad but I love our little peaceful quiet life of doing what I want when I want and really I don't like kids that much.... I feel like i have to decide soon because of my husband's age as I am sure he doesn't want to be an old dad. If you're 27 and your husband is the same..you could probably change your mind in 6 years and decide to have and still be young parents.
I feel like I still have life goals to accomplish before having kids.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I am one of those "biological clock" women. I went through my entire 20's proclaiming I would NEVER have kids, and listened to older and wiser women tell me that someday that would change. I insisted there was no way that would happen to me. After all, I have a career and I love travel. I spent most of my 20's spending all my money on elaborate around-the-world adventures. 

However, things did change for me after I hit my 30's. I am now 33. I met my husband when I was 27, although we got married just last year. He was part of the transformation for me. Suddenly being in a loving caring relationship with the person I wanted to be with forever, made kids seem more of a possibility. He told me when we met he wanted kids, but was willing to reconsider if I absolutely didn't want to, so I never felt pressure. 

I also suddenly reached a point where I feel ready to have kids. I got a lot of adventuring out in my 20's. So much so that I am really into being settled now. I started seeing families out and about doing family things and started to feel like I wanted to share my life with children. Even weirder, the whole biological clock thing really did start up. I remember I was 31 when suddenly I looked at a baby and it looked overwhelmingly cute, like I wanted to pick her up. Babies were seriously like cryptonite for me before!

I am also established in my career and feel I have reached a comfortable place there, where I don't have the need to climb any higher. My job is also flexible with good family leave. Also, getting a bit older means I'm not going out every night and won't miss it too much if I'm home taking care of children. 

So long story short, I once thought I "knew" something (not wanting kids) and then what seemed so solid for so long changed. Now my husband and I are trying to have our first baby. 

As a child, I always knew I wanted to grow up, marry, and have kids someday. I know what your sister is saying..."you just know" is the truth, although not particularly helpful.

I got married at 19 and had my first child at 21. I always knew I wanted 3 kids before turning 30...which happened (my kids are now 14, 8, and 7). I never wanted to lose 3 babies through miscarriage...yet I did.

You never know what the future holds, whether you have kids or not. It's not a case of adults putting on rose colored glasses before deciding to have kids, it's more planning for the best, but crossing any bridges as you come to them, as you mentioned.

I second the recommendation for reading the DINK thread in the lounge. It offers the perspective of those who have chosen not to have children.

I was never sure I wanted to have kids. I grew up the youngest of 3, never babysat, and was never around other people's kids much.  I wasn't opposed to the idea, just kind of freaked out and couldn't imagine myself as a mom. 

However, I knew having kids was important to my husband, so shortly after we got married, I found myself pregnant with our first son.  And just recently, we just gave birth to our second child.

Now that I have 2 kids, I cannot imagine NOT being a mom.  It is seriously the best thing in the world.  I love them in a way I could never have imagined loving anything. Agree with a PP that it flips your world upside down, but not in a bad way.  I still work a full-time professional job (my husband gets to stay home) and we still travel and do most of the things we did pre-children.

What's ironic is my husband who wanted "a whole basketball team of kids" is now content with two.  I, on the other hand, who agreed to "one, maybe two" now wants to have at least two more kids so we can have a large family. Jury's still out who will win that battle. :)

Thanks so much for the replies. It's great to hear your stories :) And thanks for the link to that other thread. I haven't read all of it yet but what I have read has been interesting.

katyayer: I definitely relate a lot to what you wrote, even though I was never really strongly against having kids, I still used to joke with my sisters when they brought up the topic of kids, that why would I want kids when I have dogs? Dogs don't hold a grudge, they never leave you and if they are being annoying you can just put them in a crate for a while and it won't leave them with everlasting emotional scars! :p

Also, small babies just scare me. And I don't really see them as cute (as oppose to a puppy, which makes me melt no matter what) When they are a little older (6 months and upwards) I can see the cuteness (sometimes) but still I don't really know how to act around them. When they get old enough to talk and all though, I get along with them really well. With my nieces, and especially my nephews, I find very easy to relate to because I honestly enjoy some of the same things they find interesting, haha. I think going bug catching is a brilliant way to spend a day!

So yes, anyway, my sisters always seemed to think I was very much opposed to the idea, but honestly I never truly was. In reality it was just something I didn't really think would ever be relevant because I just didn't have much interest or need for romantic relationships, so I never pictured myself married either.

Turns out though, that I wasn't immune to love and now got myself a husband and all. So yeah, now I do think about it because now all of a sudden it's something that is a possibility.

 

To be honest with you all though... sometimes I almost wish that it turned out that I somehow was unable to have kids... I know, I know.  That's a horrible thing to say because there are people who struggle with that and I know it's heartbreaking for them. But I can't help but feel that it would be a relief to have the decision taken away from me. I am not good with making decisions. I get stressed just looking at what toothpaste to get at the grocery store!!

 

When it comes down to it though. When I do make decisions, I never regret them. I can honestly say I don't regret anything I've done in my life. Not even the bad things, such as the messed up tattoo on my back that I got when I was 19, lol.

 

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble again. Thanks again for the replies everyone :)

 

Lukar, we do have in a lot in common on this issue! I know exactly what you mean about bug catching. In a way I want to share my life with children so I can spend my days doing things like that! Is that selfish?

I was always terrified of babies too, and loved animals. I got a dog the minute I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18, and later got a cat and a horse. I always told people I was just going to be a pet-mom. In my 30's when kids suddenly didn't seem so horrible, I always told people I'd be happy with either more horses/dogs or kids. And I still feel that way, either way it works out for me I feel like I'll be content. In a way, I think that's a good place to be as I won't be disappointed. 

However, it looks like the universe has decided for me since I just took a pregnancy test (this morning!) and I am pregnant! :) ! It turns out I am one of those people that gets pregnant the very first time they try. 

The reason I mention that, besides the fact that I'm really excited, is that I will be 34 this month. This means you have plenty of time to think this over. If you don't feel ready now, don't worry. Just enjoy being you for a few more years, get some things out of the system, and then see how you feel. 

I used to HATE it when the older and wiser women in my life told me I would "change my mind" about not having kids. Here I am, proving them right. But- I know women older than me that never changed their mind, and they are really happy with their decision. So everyone is different. Don't stress about having to make a decision, just see where life takes you.

 

I knew I wanted kids when I found out I was pregnant 

lol yeah im the same as andi.

i was 18 and...uh..SURPRISE!

most people say that when they first saw their baby they cried and fell in love with them immediately..for me, that part didnt come until a little bit later. i mean DUH i loved my daughter, but for the first few weeks/couple months i was just like.."****. what did i get myself into? this is another HUMAN". plus, Luna just slept ALLLLL THE TIIIMMME. i fed her, and bathed her, and all that jazz, and i thought she was beautiful and i loved her more than anything..but once she started to smile at me, and play with me , and interact with me..she like became my best friend. i didnt want her to be away from me even for a SECOND.

with my second baby, i had that *instant* connection with him and cried when i had him.

its different for everyone.

and everybody messes up their kids to SOME degree, i mean come ON people, lets be real. no one is perfect, and everyones parents messed THEM up to some degree.

i know my husband and i shouldnt argue in front of the kids, and i wish my kids had never seen me smoke a cigarette or curse, but i mean, i love my children and i would do ANYTHING for them. even when im about to rip my hair out because my 6 month old wont sleep at night, and my 2 year old is all whiny and stuff..all i have to do is look at their face and they just stare back at you and its alll good :)

 

I thought I never wanted to have kids. I had my life goals set and kids were just not apart of them. I wanted to finish med school and become a brilliant doctor. That being said I got pregnant. To be honest, I was miserable about the idea of having a baby and how that baby would take me away from my goals. I cried for a couple months when I found out. After awhile the idea of being a mother clicked. Now that my son is 2 I feel a little guilt for not wanting him in the beginning but now that he's here I could not imagine my life without him. Sure its going to be harder to get to where I want to be but he's my world. I don't know if this helps... But it feels good to say

I totally understand. When I was a teen I never wanted kids. Then I found out when I was 16 that I was pregnant. I decided to keep my little girl. Up until then I always said no about kids. But she changed my life. I also understand about having a baby that is born sick or with some type of abnormalities. My next child had both. I was 21 when I had him. It was a hard pregnancy. The night he was born I heard my ob/gyn say " holy **** ". Of coarse that scared me. My son was born blue. He was also born with 5 fingers total and 6 toes total. He has a lung disease called primary cilliary diskonisia. It's kinda like cystic fibrosis. He has had so many hardships. And as a mom you go through it with them. Anything from hospitals, surgeries, to people starring at him, to kids making fun of him for something he can't control. I have gotten into arguments with people accusing me of doing drugs while I was pregnant or them telling their kids not to play with him because of his hands. Things do get better, he has made some wonderful friends and they are so protective of him. Then at 22 I had another son born with 6 fingers and all 10 toes. The doctors said that the odds of that happening were 1 in 500,000, but it did. He also has autism. As a family we Handel everything together. It's hard to let go and just let them be kids, but you have to. As for you, I think that you should think about the types of things that you are. My family is living proof that these kind of things happen, and yes it's hard on their dad and I but they're the ones that have to live with it forever. And you'll know if having kids is right for you and your husband when the time comes. Good luck to you both.

I completely understand where you're coming from lukar!  We weren't sure if we wanted kids. I thought I should want them, but I spent 10 years in University getting my undergrad, masters and tech. We had three cats that we babied, and we loved that we could leave them at a moments notice and go skiing or just get plastered and not have to worry about getting up the next morning. 

We talked to a couple friends who had just had a baby.  They were the only friends in our circle with kids; my girlfriend said "get a bottle of wine, have a fabulous night together and go make a baby!".  We decided to try and pretty much got pregnant right away.  Like others have said, i didn't fall in love right away.  It was weird having this little creature in my house.  I was exhausted, and completely out of my league.  Now, we have our second and I can't imagine my life without them. I gave up my career and we sold off what we had to pay debts so I could stay home with them.  I would never change this for anything. 

Maybe some of us don't "just know" until after we have them :)

Original Post by hmfish:

I completely understand where you're coming from lukar!  We weren't sure if we wanted kids. I thought I should want them, but I spent 10 years in University getting my undergrad, masters and tech. We had three cats that we babied, and we loved that we could leave them at a moments notice and go skiing or just get plastered and not have to worry about getting up the next morning. 

We talked to a couple friends who had just had a baby.  They were the only friends in our circle with kids; my girlfriend said "get a bottle of wine, have a fabulous night together and go make a baby!".  We decided to try and pretty much got pregnant right away.  Like others have said, i didn't fall in love right away.  It was weird having this little creature in my house.  I was exhausted, and completely out of my league.  Now, we have our second and I can't imagine my life without them. I gave up my career and we sold off what we had to pay debts so I could stay home with them.  I would never change this for anything. 

Maybe some of us don't "just know" until after we have them :)

im so glad that you mentioned how you didnt fall in love right away, too. i was thinking when i initially said that , other moms were gunna be like "ugh what is WRONG with her? thats just AWFUL." lol. nice to hear some honesty!

I remember being in the hospital, and then even a couple months later freaking out, wondering if I would ever "fall in love" with my baby.  It's not that I didn't love her or think she was cute or whatever! But then one day when another woman's grocery cart got a little too close to mine and I wanted to mortally wound the lady.... yep... I was in love.  And you can ask anyone, I dote on my kids, I ADORE them.  But it's a shocker at first when you have one!  I, too, was glad to see you posted not falling in love right away.  I think the #1 thing to learn as a parent is everyone is different, so if it's not hurting anyone it's ok.  We're ok. :) 

Original Post by hmfish:

I remember being in the hospital, and then even a couple months later freaking out, wondering if I would ever "fall in love" with my baby.  It's not that I didn't love her or think she was cute or whatever! But then one day when another woman's grocery cart got a little too close to mine and I wanted to mortally wound the lady.... yep... I was in love.  And you can ask anyone, I dote on my kids, I ADORE them.  But it's a shocker at first when you have one!  I, too, was glad to see you posted not falling in love right away.  I think the #1 thing to learn as a parent is everyone is different, so if it's not hurting anyone it's ok.  We're ok. :) 

My though are as follows I am sorry to begin with my story is one not many hear but I see you need a little help. I was entered the military at 18, after a couple of months I was assaulted, but at the same time a couple days later I was my boyfriend at that time. About two weeks later I found out I was pregnant I had a choice to make keep or not. I decide I was going to keep it, at 20 years old u had my first child. I didn't want her at first because I felt I was unable to care for her. But then I feel in love with her, I want her at my side. Then I told I needed to deploy so I did. After about a year in half my second child was born. At this point I felt that I need some help, job call again when my baby was two months old I left for a four month tour. Then began my living away from kids, to my unexpected surprise I didn't know that I was pregnant and went of on another four month tour to south. On my return to the states I found out i was about four months pregnant and I had a complication known as placenta previa and there was of risk of her, me and/or both so I was closely observed. At this point I was scared and had no clue, then my baby girl was born premature. A couple hour after her birth it was found she had a whole in her lung. The quick action the NICU team, my daughter is still alive a growing. She has some problems, but as a family we were able to keep her want to be here with us. I took pause and said no more since my job keep me away for weeks to months I need to think more clearly. Well three years after my last baby, I got a surprise I was pregnant again. I gave birth to her in 2008, the problem came two weeks when I was told she eczema, asthma, and had food allergies like eggs and peanuts (nuts). That didn't include the allergy to dust, mold, and animal dander. So now I need to watch was ever she does and eats. It hard task with the constant itching and scratching, I had need to learn to help her live with this. I love my kids and they are my life. I am no longer in the military, I am now full time student trying to pursue a new career to show it is never to late to continue learn, I am currently 28, and a single mother. I lesson I learn is that deciding to have child is step that need alot of thinking. A plan that I have say to some friends is this: Are u financial secure? Are your goals where you want them? Choice of which parent is going to be for the first couple of years of the child life, meaning to at least stay home until they enter school? If you do plan to have child invest into a saving with at least 5,000 for the first years? Or if u plan to wait until later in life still invest in account for that child? One thing most all parents is kids are expensive Traveling is still with a family. Then just let nature take course, I hope I was able to help with my thoughts. Like some of the others helping you there story, life is full of surprises. The disability of is not the parents fault, if there is a worry about a certain disease or illness, some test are now available to find out the possibility of passing onto ur children any type of disability. But I child should be love no matter who they are is what's inside that counts.

Just an interesting note- not one to pressure or condemn - I work w old people and I have not found one yet that doesnt regret not having children or not having more. I am sure there may b an old person someone knows who is still happy in their decision. But old people can be very wise in these things and talk from experience. Life can be very lonely once u get old and your children can make all the difference! You will never love like you do w children. You will never have such fear as you do w children. U will experience emotions like never before and nothing compares. You cannot look at anyone else's kids and think you know how ull feel. It is a journey you will never regret if you do it and one you might regret if you dont.

I had my first at age 31 and second at 34, and knew I wanted kids. However, I wish that I had them 5 years earlier! Time seems to be rushing by in my 30s and I say go for it! Especially if you're financially stable and don't have a lot of stresses!

I was in the same boat as you. My husband didn't really have any experience with kids and I have 22 cousins and I'm the oldest so I was always the caretaker. I knew how much responsibility it was and was not over the moon when my husband and I decided to have kids. We started trying because my husband wanted kids and we now have a 6 month old daughter who is the center of my whole world. It changes once you have them.

Some people always knew they wanted to be parents, some always knew they never wanted to be parents, some find out as soon as the child is born, others after some life-changing event.

You're young yet, so maybe agree to revisit the idea by age 34 if you haven't naturally come to a resolution by then.