advice on how to get over myself?

Simply put, I'm a mess. Its almost lunch time and I've barely worked at all this morning. I've spent the past few hours either forlornly staring off into space, or sneaking off into the bathroom to cry.

So what happened? Well, I was getting ready this morning, already running a bit late, when my husband staggered into the bathroom half asleep and grumpy, saying he needed to use it asap. So I exited the bathroom and audibly sighed, irritated that I was FOR SURE going to be late with this slight detour of my morning routine.

When my husband exited the bathroom he grumbled something at me, I couldn't quite make it out but I distinctly heard "I don't appreciate you sighing at me when I need to use the bathroom...grumble grumble".

Now for a sane, stable, logical person they would apologize and brush off this comment as general morning crankiness, but apparently I am not sane, stable, or logical as this comment has sent me into a tail spin of self loathing, tears, and distraction.

I know my reaction is completely inappropriate, and I also know that I'm not upset at his comment, but that it was merely a trigger. 

TL;DR backstory- I have self worth problems. My self esteem/confidence is pretty good, but my self worth is absolutely in the gutter. I have a maladaptive internal feedback loop, constantly telling me that I am; bad, evil, wrong, undeserving, awful, selfish, terrible, unworthy, horrible, etc etc. Where did it come from? dunno. How to get rid of it? dunno. Its just there, 80% of the time I can drown it out, except for moments like now where grumpy annoyance from my husband triggers 'the beast'.

At this point there is no need to talk to my husband, because a.) he probably won't even remember what he said and b.) at the root of it all its not about his comment.

I'm at a loss for what to do now. I know people will say therapy and meds, but I'm so over that. I've kinda been there and done that for the past 13 years with...a mediocre life to show for it. yay I don't self harm or starve anymore, but I certainly don't feel any better. Religion is also out of the question I just...no. no. no. no.

There's gotta be a way for me to improve my self worth that doesn't involve the medical community. I already exercise, eat right, and I try to get enough rest. My parents love me, my husband loves me, and my friends like me enough to keep me around for now. So, I already have a loving and supportive environment. what else can I do? One of my deepest fears is that this whole, self worth+ inappropriate emotional response issue is really just a facet of my long standing dysthymia that probably requires lifetime medication + therapy to treat. I would do almost anything to avoid that, so please, someone tell me there is a way I can deal with this on my own. Self help books? Mental exercises? St. John's Wort? Meditation? Please, advice is greatly appreciated.

I can say I've been in a very similar situation and sought a counselor and am now on medication.

I ENTIRELY understand your aversion to both of those answers.  But I had literally done everything else I could do, and I had literally hit rock bottom.

I sincerely urge you at the very least to find a professional to talk to.  Sometimes it helps to vocalize your thoughts/problems and get feedback from someone trained to deal with it.  

 

Sorry to hear this, and I hope your day improves! (((vonapathy)))

 

ETA: fine fine.. I realize I completely ignored your wish to avoid all that.  *sigh*  are you sleeping? sometimes being over tired can cause a lot of issues.  have you checked to see that you're eating enough/getting proper nutrients?  perhaps new exercises/a new routine?  perhaps a self-defense class to build strength and confidence? 

 

 

Thank you for your input and suggestions. My sleep is spotty at best. I try to get restful sleep and maintain a regular sleep schedule, but I frequently wake up during the night or super early (like 2 hours before my alarm goes off). Conversely on the weekends I can sleep up to 14 hours, more if I didn't have to use the bathroom.

Nutrition is not so great either, I try but there are some periods of time where we are flat broke and we're out of vegetables. So B-L-D will consist of meat, dairy, and carbs.

The more I admit and examine in my life, the more I realize this is just dysthymia expressing its self, yet again. f*** me, this sucks.

Don't be so hard on yourself!  It's okay!  I had issues with sleep for a long time, generally related to an anxiety disorder, and found that my meds helped that a lot.  before meds, I would take 3mg of melatonin a night, or drink warm tea and relax for about an hour before bed. 

It's really really hard to balance everything.  So don't be so hard on yourself, especially for something you really can't control.  At a certain point it becomes an issue of brain chemistry, and you can't a) beat yourself up about it b) ignore it.  You need to treat it like any other malady!  :) 

I highly suggest just talking to a counselor.  Even if you don't want to do the meds thing right away, just having someone else on your team makes a big difference. 

Has the weather been crappy this week  too where you are?  I know that's seriously messing with me this week.. :\

I would try meditation.  Do you have a meditation center in your area?  I finally checked one out recently, and the teachings are already positively affecting my thought patterns.

eta - not in lieu of/instead of what Bex has suggested.  Try a few things.  :)

Not sure if you want a kick in the rear or a pat on the back. Well, I'll give you both.

If it is just about self-worth I'd suggest a coach or some NLP sessions (neurolinguisitc programming) but both are expensive.

Have you got a smartphone? There's a nice scottish bloke Andrew Johnson that does some NLP style sessions about relaxation, positivity etc.. I've listened to it a few times and while it's certainly no proper solution I always felt better after listening to them.

The other thing I can recommend is 'fake it till you make it' - snapping at someone for no reason is just not an acceptable way of behaving. It might be useful to try and learn to recognize when you are about to lose it and just quickly walk away into the next room, kick a chair, breathe a bit and try to calm down. PRetend to be calm and happy until you feel better and get a grip.

At least that is what I do in those situations. And I watch my bloodsugar. If it crashes to low because I forgot to have lunch or just ate junk I can turn into a raging monster. If I do get into that mood I just tell people to leave me be till I've eaten something and am back to normal. That takes less than half an hour and so far everybody has been ok with that.

And I'd apologize. Not matter what the underlying reason is, you were being a beotch and that measn your hubby deserves a 'Sorry'

You have to change the way you think.  I used to have insane amounts of self-worth issues due to my birth father abandoning me.  Every time you start thinking "There I go again, I'm so terrible I just messed up something so simple" you have to stop yourself and talk logic to yourself.

It's not an easy fix.  It's hard, it takes a long time, but I used to become a crying mess because I played a wrong note on my violin and I'm now mostly a well-adapted person.

This is what therapy should have been doing for you for the entire time you had a therapist.  If he/she did not touch on this method, he/she was entirely bad at helping you.

My advice is unorthodox, at best.  No therapy, no religion, no meds..   I get it.  BELIEVE me, I get it.

This is the only thing that has helped when all else (including affirmations) have failed.  There is liberation in the phrase "f*** it."   Chant this repeatedly.    No, I'm not even kidding.   When you feel bad, angry, frustrated...  "f** it."   I even make a little song out of it.  Sing it in ranges from high to low pitch.  It even gets to the point I start giggling.

It's the only thing that has stopped me from driving myself completely insane.  It stops you from giving the wrong things energy.  Give it a shot.

Original Post by meta15:

My advice is unorthodox, at best.  No therapy, no religion, no meds..   I get it.  BELIEVE me, I get it.

This is the only thing that has helped when all else (including affirmations) have failed.  There is liberation in the phrase "f*** it."   Chant this repeatedly.    No, I'm not even kidding.   When you feel bad, angry, frustrated...  "f** it."   I even make a little song out of it.  Sing it in ranges from high to low pitch.  It even gets to the point I start giggling.

It's the only thing that has stopped me from driving myself completely insane.  It stops you from giving the wrong things energy.  Give it a shot.

you mean someone else does this TOO????  (it really does work!)

Original Post by tamji:

Original Post by meta15:

My advice is unorthodox, at best.  No therapy, no religion, no meds..   I get it.  BELIEVE me, I get it.

This is the only thing that has helped when all else (including affirmations) have failed.  There is liberation in the phrase "f*** it."   Chant this repeatedly.    No, I'm not even kidding.   When you feel bad, angry, frustrated...  "f** it."   I even make a little song out of it.  Sing it in ranges from high to low pitch.  It even gets to the point I start giggling.

It's the only thing that has stopped me from driving myself completely insane.  It stops you from giving the wrong things energy.  Give it a shot.

you mean someone else does this TOO????  (it really does work!)

Wow, thanks for putting this so succinctly.  I vascillate between using this method and berating myself for my most recent stupidity or whatever seemingly giant transgression I think I have committed that I am currently fixated on and beating myself up over. 

I found that it got much worse as I got older - I think that hormonal changes have a lot to do with it.  When I started getting hormone treatment for menopause, it got much better.  I don't get a new dose for another month, and I can really feel it. 

You all have made me feel much better just knowing you are there.  I will use the "f*** it" method - thanks!

vonapathy, you're not alone. 

Original Post by meta15:

My advice is unorthodox, at best.  No therapy, no religion, no meds..   I get it.  BELIEVE me, I get it.

This is the only thing that has helped when all else (including affirmations) have failed.  There is liberation in the phrase "f*** it."   Chant this repeatedly.    No, I'm not even kidding.   When you feel bad, angry, frustrated...  "f** it."   I even make a little song out of it.  Sing it in ranges from high to low pitch.  It even gets to the point I start giggling.

It's the only thing that has stopped me from driving myself completely insane.  It stops you from giving the wrong things energy.  Give it a shot.

*Feels smug*

I have f*** it on prescription...that's right, now you really wanna bite me!, my Dr gave me a prescription  for it 

Try to live wholly and completely for others.  Try to think only about what you can do to make someone else happy, not yourself, and do that.

I am by no means saying I do this.  It's hard, but it would be awesome.

I have/had the same problem though probably not as severe.  What works for me is when I get like that just choosing to mentally check out, I listen to music, read, watch tv, listen to a podcast, make up a story in my mind about fictitious people..anything that mentally engages me so that I am not repeating the same self loathing things over and over and over and over....

Original Post by tamji:

Original Post by meta15:

My advice is unorthodox, at best.  No therapy, no religion, no meds..   I get it.  BELIEVE me, I get it.

This is the only thing that has helped when all else (including affirmations) have failed.  There is liberation in the phrase "f*** it."   Chant this repeatedly.    No, I'm not even kidding.   When you feel bad, angry, frustrated...  "f** it."   I even make a little song out of it.  Sing it in ranges from high to low pitch.  It even gets to the point I start giggling.

It's the only thing that has stopped me from driving myself completely insane.  It stops you from giving the wrong things energy.  Give it a shot.

you mean someone else does this TOO????  (it really does work!)

LOL, I do this quite a lot,  too, although I often use the South London version of Whatever (Wha'evAh!) Mind you, for the sake of peace and harmony I don'T usually say it aloud :-)

There's a song by a quirky German band who rap about 'F** it', which I kept listening when I was stuck in a horrible project for three months.

How about starting something that you expect to be bad at?  Take up running from the couch to 5k program.  Start New Rules of Lifting...take a pottery class?

Anything that there is no sane way you would expect to do anything except start at the beginning with baby steps.  Give yourself the time and space to explore starting at the beginning and being new and for it to be okay to be absolutely bad at it.  Then as you get better give yourself the congratulations you deserve for sticking with something long enough to get better...if it's not for you after a period of time abandon the project, but give it enough time to try.

Also chanting your mantra whenever you feel down works.

i like the '**** it/wha evah' plan.

adding to it: so what if you're a bit sensitive, and a bit expressive, and maybe prone to being a bit tightly wound? i don't think there's anything pathological about that, necessarily.

i still feel wounded sometimes by off-the-cuff remarks that don't really mean anything at all, and weren't intended to. i personally have found it helpful to try, as quickly as possible, to impose some perspective on the situation, before a sting like that takes hold and spins off into orbit. (can't always.)

This morning:

1) immediate concerns: late, rushing, feeling panicked.

2) mid-term concerns: worry around a project, or an ill-tempered boss or colleague.

3) long-term concerns: impact on career, life, etc.

at 1)  stop, breathe! (cool down your nervous system; get oxygen)

at 2) trust yourself to deal with issues when they come up. try to think of times you've handled similar situations well. visualize them.

at 3) don't let yourself even go there. that's catastrophizing.

If you've done CBT, review it (attributions, etc).

And do the same for your husband's slightly tetchy behaviour (had to pee, etc).

I.e., before your feelings take you on a wild ride through your past and future, chunk this out of the timeline. it's a moment, an exchange, a snapshot.

so i guess yeah - sticking with the present, as much as possible, and blocking off time for worrying about/feeling the big picture later.

how realistic is this? fairly, with time... i sulk a lot less than i used to :)

basically though, all that is still just '**** it'.

Original Post by gotborked:

Try to live wholly and completely for others.  Try to think only about what you can do to make someone else happy, not yourself, and do that.

I am by no means saying I do this.  It's hard, but it would be awesome.

x2.  Be active in your community.  There is nothing more satisfying then knowing you have helped someone, even in a small way.  I volunteer at my local community center by writing resumes for people.  It's only a few hours a week on a Saturday, but it really makes me feel good to help others in need.  It makes me feel like what I do matters, because to the people that end up getting jobs, what I did mattered to them!  

Start with something small.  Give blood.  Or organize a office canned good drive for your local food pantry.  

 

 

I have some anxiety issues...okay, a lot of them. I've been like this since I was a child, even went on meds when I was 10. Anywho, to keep myself from flying off that handle at odd remarks, and to build up my self esteem, I really try to not think about it. 

That is incredibly difficult, but if you can break through the barrier just once, and slowly accumulate more times, you turn off your brain, I think the better you can do. The "**** it" mantra is great too; send out all the negative energy. Brush it off before it eats you alive. 

 

Original Post by meta15:

My advice is unorthodox, at best.  No therapy, no religion, no meds..   I get it.  BELIEVE me, I get it.

This is the only thing that has helped when all else (including affirmations) have failed.  There is liberation in the phrase "f*** it."   Chant this repeatedly.    No, I'm not even kidding.   When you feel bad, angry, frustrated...  "f** it."   I even make a little song out of it.  Sing it in ranges from high to low pitch.  It even gets to the point I start giggling.

It's the only thing that has stopped me from driving myself completely insane.  It stops you from giving the wrong things energy.  Give it a shot.

............sigh..........this sounds great................and I have tried it in the past. But I can say the words to myself but I don't honestly, really believe them. I can SAY to myself "F** it" ie that I dont care about something STOOPID that someone said to me or something DUMB I have done. However, even as I am saying it, I will be stressed and on the verge of tears ie I don't believe the "f** it". How do you break through? Blah. Wish I didnt care so much that everyone must like me and approve of me. I think I am broken. Blah.

Try affirmations.

Write these words down, 10 times in a row at least 3 times a day. Then try to say them out loud to yourself in the mirror a couple of times a day. Do this for 30 days in a row. Then do it for 30 more.

"I am worthy."

 

Try a book by Louise Hay called "I Can Heal My Life".

 

That book and affirmations transformed me.

If it's not working, that just means you're not saying it enough. You need to say it immediately after each and every self defeating thing creeps into your brain.

Here's how the conversation should go:

"but this." "Aww, f*** it." "but that." "F*** it, I said." "but, the other." "F*** iiiiiiiiit. F it F it F it."

One of two things is going to happen. It's going to work, or you're going to get sick of talking to yourself and move on. Either way, it's a win.