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Does anyone else not like it when your boyfriend goes out?


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Let me start off by saying that I'm not an insecure person when it comes to myself. I do have trust issues and they stem from my father cheating on my mother and having a baby with his mistress. To top it off he never was man enough to talk to me about it until two year ago when his sister died and he introduced me to my half sister for the first time in 18 years at his sister's funeral. I've never been able to bring myself to talk to him about how hurt I've been over the years and how afraid I am to trust anyone. Now enough for the background.

It's not that I don't trust my boyfriend although I've been in many relationships where my trust has been broken. I don't really mind when he goes out until he goes out with a certain friend that he has known for decades. I don't really care for this guy because I've witnessed him dog his girlfriend with one of my best friends(my boyfriend's sister). He tried to give her oral sex while he was dating this other girl. So when my bf and this guy go out I tend to get an attitude and it always turns into a huge argument between us. Also my bf told me before we got together that he was ready to settle down and he was done with going out to the clubs. In my opinion I feel that if you are in a relationship then what is the purpose of going out to the clubs where everyone is looking for someone to hook up with. We are both in our 30's. I for one do not go out very much at all. I only go out to dinner with a few girls every month or so. He doesn't go out that much at all either but sometimes it's the manner in which he goes out. It seems like it is always on a Friday night when I already have my mind set that we are going to go home and watch a movie or something then boom, one of his boys or nephews will call and then there's goes my thoughts because off he goes out. It also seems like he can't wait to get away from me out that bothers me. We've been together almost 3 years.

I know I'm going to get replies that say "you need to deal with your insecurities" and other stuff similar, but I really do not think it has much to do with insecurity. My friend says I need to see a counselor to deal with my past and I think I agree. I'm so sad because I don't know how I got here. I'm not the type of person who tries to get her bf to cut off his friends because I don't want it done to me. I just think this particular friend is a bad influence although I like him on some levels. I have to try to find a way to get past this because it's going to break us up and that would not be good because I'm pregnant. I was so upset this weekend that I considered abortion because I can't imagine having this baby if we are not going to be together. I'm looking for some genuine suggestions. I really need help here.

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You need to get some friends that you can go out with.....

There's not actually anything wrong with what he is doing, we all need to let our hair down.

Has he ever given you reason not to trust him?

The friend of his that you don't like is something you need to deal with, why should he stop being friends with him just because you don't like him/ or what he's done.

My BF has one or two friends that I'm not that keen on, and I have a friend that he doesn't like, so when he is doing something with them I go out and see her. I would never get into an argument with him over it, he's been friends with them a lot longer than he's been with me.

Seriously find something to do on the nights he is going out with him/them.

Just because you are a couple doesn't mean you have to stop having a life.

Sorry if that's a little cold but that's the way I see it.

You are right and I do have friends but most of the time I'd just rather be with him. I know that is not healthy and I need to stop it asap. I have committed to doing that, it's just hard when I'm so used to being with him on the weekends.  I don't actually start the argument, it happens when I ask him what he did when he went out, like where did they go, etc. I'm not asking to accuse him of anything. I'm just curious. I don't understand why he blows up so much off of me asking him that. I told him that I don't care what he asks me because I have nothing to hide and I'll tell him anything he wants to know.

I won't tell you to go out and get counseling. Firstly, you mentioned that he likes to go out often, and you seem to be more introverted. That could be an issue of personality differences. I am not exactly super-thrilled when my husband wants to go out with his single friends...little insecurities creep up when you think too much...like are they going to be mutually scoping out chicks? What if some woman approches him or...(gasp) FLIRTS with him? In actuality..you can't control that...and it's probably healthy for him to know he still "has it" and he can feel pretty good about himself and come home to you !

My husbands single friends of course have a different thought process right now...they are single and my husband is no longer single..which is a choice he made. And most of his single buddies WISH they had someone...and are searching. It doesn't mean my husband wishes he was single again...or that he will go out and cheat on me because his friends are looking for women.  Are they a bad influence? If your boyfriend is going to cheat...you cannot for a second blame his friends. It's all on him. His friends might point and laugh though if you are acting controlling and calling him all  the time or forbidding him from going out with them...they will then say "See?"..."being in a relationship is a prison !" But if you let him go with your blessings and a smile...and then continue on to "do your own thing"...he will soon not want to hang out with his friends so much...he may realize that they are in a different place than where he is..and want to hang with friends who are as well. But you can't MAKE him get to that point by trying to control him...that will only do the oppisate.

My advice to you is to find something you love to do, with your own set of friends,..or by yourself while he is out...heck..even get the heck out alone while your boyfriend is available so he can see that you aren't ever-present and focusing only on him !  Just because you are pregnant with his baby and in love...doesn't mean you stopped being yourself and only an appendage of him...that mindset really turns men off...

Be strong...believe in yourself ! You will have a long and happy relationship if you are your own person. If you live vicariously through someone else...or even try to control them..you will certainly be very unhappy.

Take care of yourself and that little baby ! (((hugs))))

Thankyou Monarch. Actually I said that he doesn't go out all that much. You all are right and I know all of this. I'm not this person deep down so I don't know why I'm trying to be so controlling. I think it's fear. I'm afraid of my relationship turning out to be like my parents. I don't want that happening to me but you are right I can't control it. I wish I could though because I would. I use to be a girl who did things all the time by herself and with her friends. I know that I and my other friends all seem to go through this when we get with a guy and it's serious.  We tend to forget who we were before them. I hate myself for allowing myself to do this again to myself.

He is so mad at me right now and everytime we talk since Friday has been nothing but another argument. I don't know what to do. I've been in so much pain since then and I've cried so much. I know I'm hurting my baby because I'm not eating either. I hate to be ignored and that's what he is doing.

The crazy thing is I can be that chick that is always busy but I don't want to be. I want to build a life with him. I don't want to be out all the time, but if that is what I have to do then so be it.

When he knows that you don't really like that he goes out, he probably feels like you don't trust him when you quiz him about where he went and what he did.....as much as it may pain you just don't ask. All I ever ask is did he have a good time....the option is there then for him to tell me in detail or just say yes or no.

Monarchs advice is good...

You've just got to loosen the grip a little.

all best wishes.....

Why is he mad at you? Did you accuse him of anything? Or does he consistently get angry and defensive when you simply ask him where he went that night - and use the "fight" as a reason to refuse to answer or give details? Honestly, going to clubs in your 30s with a friend who is known to be unfaithful (i.e. would also certainly have your bf's "back" if he decided to do the same) doesn't sound like something that most 30somethings I know tend to do. My BF never goes to clubs, nor do any of my friends' BFs - and some of them are in their 20s, not even 30s yet. (Then again I do know a lot of geeky people who probably didn't go to clubs in their teens, either.) I'm in my 30s and I can't imagine myself going to a club with a promiscuous friend for any reason other than to pick up, or try to pick up. There is simply not much other appeal to being there.

What were the signs and indications in your parents' relationship, that all of this was going on? I say this because sometimes people do tend to unconsciously repeat patterns...or choose people who will do so, even though it is not necessarily obvious who those people are, it's possible to find them by instinct, I swear. Just like those women who can pick out the one guy in the room who will be violent in the long run (even though nobody else can see that) and flirt with him. It's like they are picking up on this vibe that somehow seems familiar and therefore desirable.

I'm not saying that I believe anything is happening, and it is definitely possible that you are just being hormonal and insecure. However, I worry that people tend to discount their instincts about their friends and partners too soon - rationalizing them away. But so often people's gut feelings wind up being right - much more often than proven wrong, in my experience - that I reluctantly conclude that there might be some subconscious wisdom to be found there.
Original Post by nenewa:

Thankyou Monarch. Actually I said that he doesn't go out all that much. You all are right and I know all of this. I'm not this person deep down so I don't know why I'm trying to be so controlling. I think it's fear. I'm afraid of my relationship turning out to be like my parents. I don't want that happening to me but you are right I can't control it. I wish I could though because I would. I use to be a girl who did things all the time by herself and with her friends. I know that I and my other friends all seem to go through this when we get with a guy and it's serious.  We tend to forget who we were before them. I hate myself for allowing myself to do this again to myself.

He is so mad at me right now and everytime we talk since Friday has been nothing but another argument. I don't know what to do. I've been in so much pain since then and I've cried so much. I know I'm hurting my baby because I'm not eating either. I hate to be ignored and that's what he is doing.

The crazy thing is I can be that chick that is always busy but I don't want to be. I want to build a life with him. I don't want to be out all the time, but if that is what I have to do then so be it.

 Right now your hormones are going crazy...your body is adjusting to the pregnancy. I know when I am PMS-ing I am a nutter. My husband can't do anything right and I am really more insecure-acting. Calmly let him know that you need more hugs and kisses...and TLC...in a way that he will listen. I know from personal experience that when my hormones are talking...men turn off their ears..they just don't understand what the hell is wrong ! And then they distance themselves..which leads to feeling even more insecure and exacerbating the already un-winnable problem.

I am not saying leave the house or get out for no reason...you are pregnant...take care of you! Go for some long strolls..it's good for you and the baby! Fill your time with hobbies that you like and become genuinely absorbed in them!  For me, I love going to the library and getting piles of books and cook-books. I am "dreaming" of having my own business..and want to hone some skills that contribute to that. You could also do some things for baby..make him/her some things if you are crafty.

I know it's hard...being pregnant makes you want to nest...but that part only lasts 9 months..then you have a child sitting there looking at you. Watching you. Learning from you ! And you have to stick to being you...not just being someones girlfriend or mom. I have made the mistake of wrapping myself up in everyone else and forgetting to care for myself (to my own detriment) And it seems you are aware of that. Take care !

I have a similar problem with my boyfriend, although my main concern is that he gets home at like 3am while I'm trying to sleep! What we've done thus far is to sit down and have a conversation about going out. He's agreed to try to keep it to once a week (besides his regular Sunday night darts with his brother-in-law). Also, he's tried to be more considerate about letting me know in advance, ie sending me a text message during the day that says he is going to watch the game that night with his friends. Finally, we've agreed that Friday night is off-limits for his friends. That's the night that we've set aside as our time to do something. Sometimes that means going to dinner and sometimes that means just crashing on the couch watching tv together. The important thing is that since we've worked out when our time is, it's not as big of a deal to me when he does go out. The best part of all of this? This past weekend, he was home all weekend, even though I did not nag him about it at all. He even bragged a bit about how he got to stay home with me!

Original Post by trustwomen:

Why is he mad at you? Did you accuse him of anything? Or does he consistently get angry and defensive when you simply ask him where he went that night - and use the "fight" as a reason to refuse to answer or give details? Honestly, going to clubs in your 30s with a friend who is known to be unfaithful (i.e. would also certainly have your bf's "back" if he decided to do the same) doesn't sound like something that most 30somethings I know tend to do. My BF never goes to clubs, nor do any of my friends' BFs - and some of them are in their 20s, not even 30s yet. (Then again I do know a lot of geeky people who probably didn't go to clubs in their teens, either.) I'm in my 30s and I can't imagine myself going to a club with a promiscuous friend for any reason other than to pick up, or try to pick up. There is simply not much other appeal to being there.

What happened with your parents' relationship? I say this because sometimes people do tend to unconsciously repeat patterns...or choose people who will do so, even though it is not necessarily obvious who those people are, it's possible to find them by instinct, I swear. Just like those women who can pick out the one guy in the room who will be violent in the long run (even though nobody else can see that) and flirt with him. It's like they are picking up on this vibe that somehow seems familiar and therefore desirable.

 No I didn't accuse him of anything. I just said something like " I thought you were going to this one club" Because my friend saw him at another club. I'm not saying his friend is promiscuous. I'm just saying I witnessed an incident that was disturbing to me. His friend just broke up with a girl that he was livng with for a long time about a year or more. He broke up with her supposedly because she would trip out on him about going out. I don't know the truth. You know how men overexaggerate to make themeselves seem like the good guys. I do know that he and he girlfriend did go out together alot because they would invite us sometimes or we would see them. My bf says that all he does when he goes to the club is play pool and I believe that because that is all he does when I see him in the club. Now the times I am in the club are when his huge family(17 brothers and sisters) will have a birthday celebration at a club. That is the only time that I will be in a club. If all he does is play pool then I'm cool with that. The problem is like Monarch said previously, my thoughts start going crazy and I start thinking "what is he doing" and then when he gets home I just have to know. He says I don't give him his freedom like he gives me and he is right. He never questions me about anything or when I go out. He tells me to go out and have a good time and don't worry about him and that is good, but most of the time I just don't see the purpose. I'm not comfortable anymore being in a club and having guys hit on me left and right because I'm taken.

Oh sorry I didn't see the last part...My parent's are still together even though I do not think they should be because I think that my Dad still cheats on my Mama. We had a really close relationship up until I was 15 when this all came out. Now I barely talk to him. He never calls me and he is not there for me. I see alot of similarities in my bf that are in him with all the yelling my bf does. But I'm alot like my father too because I do not back down from a yelling match. I 've always said that I will not let any man treat me the way my father treats my mother.

Are there no pool halls near where you live?

If you're going to have a child together and live together, you do need a certain level of "interdependence" and closeness beyond what is normally expected of a boyfriend/girlfriend. You need to take each other's feelings into account and work out a compromise that won't leave him feeling shackled yet won't leave you feeling insecure.
I don't have issues with my husband going out, but a long time ago I did.  His ex-girlfriend, a friend of his at the time, would demand they see eachother at least once a week, but more if he could.  Three or four times a week these two would go out to movies, dinners, hang out with friends, go to a bar in a different city together, and hang out at eachothers houses.  I trusted my husband to not sleep around on me but was still really, really hurt by all of this.  He even got to the point where he would take her calls while he was in the middle of a conversation with me and just walk in another room to talk to her.

I tried talking to him to explain why I was uncomfortable about this all.  She had two and a half years with him, cheated on him, and dumped him.  She really hurt him but he wanted to have friends, so he kept talking to her.  I'd only, at the time, been with him for two months.  I felt I deserved more time with him.  He needed to let go of his past with this girl, and his present since it was ruining our relationship, and give me a chance to become his friend and to introduce him to my friends.

Eventually it came down to me scaring the hell out of him.  He took the call from her while I was really upset and talking to him.  I grabbed his beer from him, threw it off the balcony, I grabbed his phone and screamed at him.  We both slept in different rooms that night and the next day when he came to break up with me, he finally listened to what I had to say and understood.  He stopped talking to this girl completely since.  And over a year later, it's still driving her nuts.

I don't know if it's because I ended up marrying him or because he rarely goes out now as his old group of friends that was associated with this girl no longer talks to him, but I wish my husband would go out more often.  Even if it is on a Friday night.  I love to see him, but I want to see that he's fine and dandy without me around and when he's not just sitting at home waiting for me to get home.

It's important to have separate lives, and maybe it's going to become important for you two to either make plans for Friday nights together, or to leave it open as a date night. 

And just so you know, not everyone goes to bars and clubs to look for someone. 

I can understand why you feel the way you do, because unfortunately, we've all witness, in some way or another, infidelity.  Just this weekend I was at a bar and my friend and I were hit on by a bunch of married guys.  They all had conveniently placed their wedding bands on their other hand.  Ha!

Your past may be a contributing factor, but I think the issues you're struggling with are normal.  I don't know... unfortunately I think you have to come to a point where you realize that what will happen will happen, and you can't have him on a leash, and he's going to do what he wants.  If he is a good man, he won't be influenced by his shady friends and he'll go out to have fun, not be disloyal to you.

Also, if you're honestly just asking him questions out of mere curiousity or interest, and he's getting super defensive, that could be the start of a big problem.  Either he's feeling suffocated by you, or he has something to hide.

*considers*

I remember when my fiancee and I had arguments like this. I think, based on what I've gotten from my friends, alot of people do.

What this comes down to is Trust. Whether you like it or not. What you're saying, by your discomfort, what he's HEARING.. is that you don't trust him.

What I'm hearing from you isn't that you don't trust him, but that you're being triggered by your past into behaviors that make you seem untrusting.

I will say it sounds like you need to let go of the fear. If you can do that without professional help, than congrats. If you can't.. you need professional help because issues like this CAN destroy a relationship.

Without Trust, says HK, there is no relationship. Not really. Just the shell of one.

Original Post by laschndr:

I can understand why you feel the way you do, because unfortunately, we've all witness, in some way or another, infidelity.  Just this weekend I was at a bar and my friend and I were hit on by a bunch of married guys.  They all had conveniently placed their wedding bands on their other hand.  Ha!

Your past may be a contributing factor, but I think the issues you're struggling with are normal.  I don't know... unfortunately I think you have to come to a point where you realize that what will happen will happen, and you can't have him on a leash, and he's going to do what he wants.  If he is a good man, he won't be influenced by his shady friends and he'll go out to have fun, not be disloyal to you.

Also, if you're honestly just asking him questions out of mere curiousity or interest, and he's getting super defensive, that could be the start of a big problem.  Either he's feeling suffocated by you, or he has something to hide.

 He says he gets made because he's tired of me asking him all the time. He says I get an attitude when I ask, like I ask in an accusatory manner. He claims he hasn't been out with this friend in about a year which may be true but he does go to dinner with his brother and that usually lasts until about 2 am. His brother can talk your ear off and it's hard for me because I'm just sitting around waiting for him to get done. I'm thinking in my head "what the hell kind of dinner lasts til 2 am" and then he tells me that they just sit around talking. I think he does feel suffocated. I understand that but I also do not understand why he cannot just answer the questions. What is the big deal if there is nothing to hide?

pretend:

every monday, wednesday you go into town to do shop.....your gone about 4hrs every time.....you get home at 5pm as soon as you come in your boyfriend every time asks

what stores did you go into?

what did you buy?

how much did it cost?

who did you see?

did you speak to them?

what did you talk about?

did you go for something to eat with them?

what did you eat?

did that really take you 4hrs

If he asked you that every time you've been out without him.....how would you feel?

I see the point anndjoe, lol, however I do not ask that many questions.  Sometimes I do wish he would ask because in a way it would let me know that he was concerned or that what I do matters.

He's always saying "I could care less what you do" or "it doesn't bother me" or "i don't let that stuff worry me" when I say to him "what if I did this or that"

Another thing that has always gotten on my nerves and makes things seem so much worse is the amount of time it takes him to do anything. He takes FOREVER. He is so slow. He's never on time and he's always telling me things like "I be there in 10 minutes" and it turns into an hour. I mean it's really bad and it pisses me off.  About 3 weekends ago he was over the dreaded friend's house watching a boxing match and he texted me and told me he'd be at my house in 20 minutes. Well you know he didn't get there until about an hour and 30 minutes after the 20 minutes had passed. Of course I asked him what the heck took so long. He said his friend wanted to show him this game on Wii and they got caught up playing it. He does this stuff all the time. He always getting caught up running his mouth with one of his brother's or nephews or whoever. It's very frustrating!

You need to decide what it is you expect from this relationship, then speak to him about it to see if it's what he is willing/able to deliver, then make you choices from there.

It seems to me you feel there is a lot more wrong than him just going out.....

^^ anndjoe is right on the money here.

And remember that you cannot really change a person, no matter what type of relationship you have (having a kid together, etc.). A lot of people hope that their partner will suddenly morph into Mr. or Mrs. Right after the wedding/baby/move or whatever, but that simply doesn't happen. You have to figure out whether or not you are, at the bottom of things, compatible.

^^^^

*nodnods to trust*

Accept his faults. If you can't, then get out.

Original Post by trustwomen:

^^ anndjoe is right on the money here.

And remember that you cannot really change a person, no matter what type of relationship you have (having a kid together, etc.). A lot of people hope that their partner will suddenly morph into Mr. or Mrs. Right after the wedding/baby/move or whatever, but that simply doesn't happen. You have to figure out whether or not you are, at the bottom of things, compatible.

 ^^ totally......you either accept people the way they are or move on.

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