Let me start off by saying that I'm not an insecure person when it comes to myself. I do have trust issues and they stem from my father cheating on my mother and having a baby with his mistress. To top it off he never was man enough to talk to me about it until two year ago when his sister died and he introduced me to my half sister for the first time in 18 years at his sister's funeral. I've never been able to bring myself to talk to him about how hurt I've been over the years and how afraid I am to trust anyone. Now enough for the background.
It's not that I don't trust my boyfriend although I've been in many relationships where my trust has been broken. I don't really mind when he goes out until he goes out with a certain friend that he has known for decades. I don't really care for this guy because I've witnessed him dog his girlfriend with one of my best friends(my boyfriend's sister). He tried to give her oral sex while he was dating this other girl. So when my bf and this guy go out I tend to get an attitude and it always turns into a huge argument between us. Also my bf told me before we got together that he was ready to settle down and he was done with going out to the clubs. In my opinion I feel that if you are in a relationship then what is the purpose of going out to the clubs where everyone is looking for someone to hook up with. We are both in our 30's. I for one do not go out very much at all. I only go out to dinner with a few girls every month or so. He doesn't go out that much at all either but sometimes it's the manner in which he goes out. It seems like it is always on a Friday night when I already have my mind set that we are going to go home and watch a movie or something then boom, one of his boys or nephews will call and then there's goes my thoughts because off he goes out. It also seems like he can't wait to get away from me out that bothers me. We've been together almost 3 years.
I know I'm going to get replies that say "you need to deal with your insecurities" and other stuff similar, but I really do not think it has much to do with insecurity. My friend says I need to see a counselor to deal with my past and I think I agree. I'm so sad because I don't know how I got here. I'm not the type of person who tries to get her bf to cut off his friends because I don't want it done to me. I just think this particular friend is a bad influence although I like him on some levels. I have to try to find a way to get past this because it's going to break us up and that would not be good because I'm pregnant. I was so upset this weekend that I considered abortion because I can't imagine having this baby if we are not going to be together. I'm looking for some genuine suggestions. I really need help here.
I used to hate it too, but now I don't have to worry because I am single :)
But....I wanted to say one thing. Many women have children and the father is not involved on a daily basis because the relationship between the two parents fell apart. I am one of them, and while there may be moments where I wonder about things, I know my life is easier this way.
Just because the two of you disagree, it doesn't mean you will break up. But so what if you do? My ex and I used to fight and argue over similar things, and he would continue to go out (but he did it 4-5 times a week) even after the baby was born. So....we aren't together. I do, however, have the most precious little boy and I couldn't imagine life without him.
Shoo those thoughts of abortion out of your mind. I wouldn't consider giving up my baby because my man can't get his **** straight, you know? Not only is not eating not great for your baby....your baby doesn't like you to be stressed out, either.
I don't want to be negative, even though I am probably very jaded, but you have to be completely satisfied with him the way he is now. If you can't handle the things that bug you about him now, they will push you over the edge (so to speak) once that baby is here. You will find out that once a baby is actually in the home, you will lose all tolerance for stupidity.
People really don't change, so just ask yourself if you can handle him the way he is for the rest of your life.
Why don't you go with?? Be the designated driver since you can't drink but that way you can be with your bf have fun and not have to worry about what others are doing.
Let me tell you what i am hearing:
-He goes out clubbing with a sleazy friend while you are home pregnant with his baby
-He gets mad and defensive when you ask him how his evening went
-He yells at you
-He is inconsiderate and disrespectful by leaving you hanging and not showing up when he says he will
-He breaks plans with you the second a friend calls him with something "better" to do
So um....I know we all accept different kinds of behaviour from a mate, and that this is only one side of the story, but it seems like a LOT of **** to be taking. If you weren't pregnant I'd suggest that he's not worth the effort. But since you are....I think it's really important to sit down and have a discussion about these behaviours. In my experience, it's pretty much impossible to instill a sense of consideration for others in someone...and the yelling alone I would find intolerable....so good luck and I hope you find a way to reslove all this. I know how painful it can be to be in an unhealthy relationship, and wanting so bad for it to somehow change but not knowing how to make that happen. I think taking the others' advice about finding happiness and occupying yourself with your own life and activities might help you gain some perspective on wether or not he's worth the effort.
I dumped a boyfriend for always being late. He had told me when we first started dating that sometimes he was a few minutes late...silly me, I was thinking late in the way that normal people were late. He was ALWAYS late. 10 minutes, not a big deal, but the 10 minutes would turn into 20 or 30 or into hours, one time he stood me up completely. By the time we finally broke up (there were several other contributing factors), I had a zero tolerance policy on his being late. If he was late, I wouldn't be there. While I realize that he had a very hard time managing time and getting side tracked (ex-gf that he worked with among others), I don't like being treated like the after thought and he wouldn't even think to send a text message indicating that he was late. All his friends and family lie about whatever time (by hours) that they need him to be someplace. In a friend it's kind of funny, but in a significant other it's downright maddening.
Thanks to all who replied. We talked last night and I really had an eye opening experience over the weekend. I'm afraid I need to clarify. He rarely goes out at the last minute when a friend calls. He does get mad but he says it's because he's tired of my having the attitude every time he goes out which is once about every two months sometimes longer. I had to realize that he is right on that aspect. He has never given me any reason to not trust him and I have not right to impose my past on him as if he is to blame. I have realized that I have some deeply rooted issues with my father and I know that it has affected me for a long time. I need to address that with my father and stop taking it on on my bf who doesn't deserve it. Yes he takes a long time to get somewhere, but it's not as bad as I first made it seem. Yesterday I was trying to say all the bad things about him that get on my nerves. I know that you have to accept people for who they are or move on. I know that. It's just hard when people don't do things the way you think they should be done. I talked to not only you fine people on here but a very close friend who knows both of us very well and she help me realize that what I've been doing was not right. He really is very good to me until I question him about his outtings. He gives me all the freedom I could want and he doesn't question me about anything. He trusts me completely, so why shouldn't I give him the same. I know it's going to be hard for me to make this change but I'm determined because I don't want to lose him over this stupid stuff. His sleazy friend doesn't come around that often. Actually I think it's been almost a year since they last hung out.
Annjoe's posts really hit home. I would be so mad if he questioned me like that when I came home from the gym or the mall or whatever. It really is a ridiculous way to behave when you think about it. I basically just had to really sit down and think about what I've been doing and once I did that I couldn't stop crying and when I realized the real reason why I was doing it, I just kept crying and crying.
We also already previously agreed to leave every other friday open to whatever. That way either one of us can go and do something without the other person getting upset. He also said that he would not let going out at the last minute become a habit. If he goes out one day with his brother then he would not turn around and go out with his friend the next weekend.
My bf is soon to be 36 years old and if he doesn't have his head on right now, there is nothing I can do to make him get it on right. He's a very responsible, great father, the best I've ever seen and so I'm not worried about my baby in the least when it comes to that. I just think I've been letting my fears get the best of me for so long now and now I'm tired of it. I will no longer be a slave to my fear. Instead I will fight it and I will overcome it. Now I have the unpleasant task of confronting my Father. I want so bad to talk to my Mother but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to remind her of what my father did. Although I really feel that he is still doing it. He is still cheating and he is very inconsiderate.
Thank you again for all your advice and for mostly listening. :) And no I'm not getting an abortion. I heard my baby's heartbeat yesterday again. I'm already in love. :)
Good for you. I would highly recommend that you find a good psychologist that you like and can work with for a while. You need to work through your issues. You can find them on sliding scales and they can do you worlds of good espeically with things like trust issues.
And by accepting it I mean not throwing a hissy when your boyfriend says he's going out with him or any of his other friends/family. Find something to do to occupy your time instead of focusing your energy on this. It will NOT make your relationship any better if you keep it up.
I think confronting your father would be a good choice in the long run. However just be warned as I'm sure you know, it wont be pleasant for anyone involved in the short run. But perhaps in a year from now you'll feel better and certain aspects will be resolved (at least in your head).
To answer your question though, no I don't mind. We are both 30 somethings and there are other reasons to go to clubs besides picking up people, like actually listening & dancing to music . But, like you I do have some insecurities and I've had to deal with them. I've been in my relationship 12 years so I think I have a pretty good idea on how it works for us.
But my fiance is a dj, has been since he was 15 and will be even if someone has to wheel him out on a wheel chair in a club with life support in tow. But he goes out to clubs even when he's not djing (I usually go with him 80% of the time) because he loves music, we both do. We dont go out to clubs just for the sake of going to one though. Usually its because so-and-so are playing or on those rare occassions because our friends are there, but if we find the music terrible we try to leave.
But I have no problem with him going out to clubs without me, even if he goes back to a friends house afterwards. I usually know these people though anyway. Once or twice we both didn't text each other to say we were going over to a friends house but we both talked about that & decided its better just to let the other person know.
But I think relationships are about knowing where our boundaries are and agreeing with them, which funnily enough gives us more freedom in our relationship in certain ways. I think ccrun4fun was the perfect example. She (sorry to use the 3rd person here, ccrun4fun) didn't tell him exactly to 'you can't do this anymore', she just stated what she needed & would like, and it made perfect sense. Of course couples need time to be with each other, there was nothing unreasonable with her request. She has the freedom to do her own thing but to also know that they will have some time together. And it also gave him the freedom to go out other times during the weekend if he really wanted to.
Third person's not a problem, rnjt. I'm just glad that I could be helpful!
I actually told my boyfriend about this thread last night and about what I posted. This led to yet another discussion (not argument..yay!!) about how things were going and we both decided that we're happy with what we've worked out. In fact, he let me know last night (more than 24 hours in advance!) that he was planning on doing something tonight with a friend who normally works weekends. This means that I can now make plans to see some friends tonight or spend some quality alone time. I just haven't decided yet!