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blueberry margaritas and regret


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Ohh **** me I am an idiot.

I have done something incredibly stupid. I am so embarrassed and I just want to crawl into a gigantic hole and perish. Well...maybe just crawl back into bed and eat a bag of Easter candy (thanks retailers everywhere for making that available three damn weeks early) and cry.

Found a therapist, one step forward.

Told my completely decent, awesome guy friend that I wanted to sleep with him in a tipsy stupor last night, five steps backwards. Did I mention he is also my coworker? And now we are not speaking.

I am mortified. I don't know how to fix it. I don't even think I do want to sleep with him....I don't know why I said that. I really don't know if I can sit here all day in the purposeful silence and humiliation.

I fear I have ruined what was a very rare, healthy friendship for good. It doesn't feel fixable. He is furious.

I am such a stupid self destructive girl. Can't even be friends with a dude without trying to bang him.
23 Replies (last)

give it time.  every thing seems "unfixable" right after the fact.  wait til he's calmed down, maybe send an email, or approach him outside of work? 

ETA: glad you found a therapist.  now just remember a) first session is always PAINFULLY awkward (I least I think so...) and if you don't like 'em, on to the next! :) 

i think you should talk to him. tell him you were drunk, and that you've been going through a great deal of turmoil lately. apologise, and see what he does or says. it's all you can do...but it's better than stewing in silence and remorse all day.

best of luck!

Original Post by deleseo:

i think you should talk to him. tell him you were drunk, and that you've been going through a great deal of turmoil lately. apologise, and see what he does or says. it's all you can do...but it's better than stewing in silence and remorse all day.

best of luck!

^This

 

I may be slow, but I am assuming you did not sleep with him; so that is a positive.

I agree, I think you should talk to him. If he is a nice decent guy, he'll understand that you were drinking and lonely, and you do have fun with him, and it just slipped. Apologize, of course, but let him know you still want to be just friends.

Since he's your friend he should know at least some of what you're going through right now and understand. We've all been there (and he probably has too!). I think the only way to get over the awkward is to deal with it so you can both move on. Tough, but you can do it. Good luck :-)

BTW, blueberry margaritas sound great - I've never had a blueberry one!

Honestly?

Sometimes you just have to take the hit. I don't understand precisely why he is furious, but I suspect it would be either because he's attached or feels that you only wanted him to use him.

Either way, there are no words other than 'I'm deeply sorry. I ****ed up. It won't happen again.',  that will do.

It's important to know that whether he accepts the apology or not, and becomes your friend again, is not the issue. What is at issue is owning your behavior, and not doing it again. The shame spiral is futile, counterproductive and, in my view, to be halted, sooner rather than later.

Good job on seeking and finding a therapist. Stay the course, Pumpkins.

Nope. The only step backwards is giving up. Keep at it.

Original Post by kathygator:

Honestly?

Sometimes you just have to take the hit. I don't understand precisely why he is furious, but I suspect it would be either because he's attached or feels that you only wanted him to use him.

Either way, there are no words other than 'I'm deeply sorry. I ****ed up. It won't happen again.',  that will do.

It's important to know that whether he accepts the apology or not, and becomes your friend again, is not the issue. What is at issue is owning your behavior, and not doing it again. The shame spiral is futile, counterproductive and, in my view, to be halted, sooner rather than later.

Good job on seeking and finding a therapist. Stay the course, Pumpkins.

this

Pretty much what's been said:

  1. apologize because you think what you did wasn't appropriate,
  2. forgive yourself for being human, and
  3. take solace in the fact that every stumble is still another step forward.

Hey, no one's friends with anyone they don't think is at least a little attractive, and slippage can happen...

If you're worried because you weren't blind drunk (sounds like not) & so can't use your get out of jail free card, remind him of what you're going through; tell him that you're looking for help with all this, if you haven't; tell him you respect him as a friend; it was a moment, borne of vulnerability, a bit of confusion, and loneliness, that won't be repeated, and doesn't reflect some ongoing stalkerish obsession. None of that is an excuse.

You found him hot for a second, spurred by a feeling of closeness, and spoke too liberally. Worse things have happened. Hopefully he'll see past it.

(At university, I once pinned my very gay male friend to a wall and declared my intentions. We got over it.)

eta: haha, I think I said something like "I'm going to turn you". hahahaha, oh man, yup still embarrassing when I think of it. Anyway no one mentions it, we still hang out, am sure he's forgotten by now.

eta: good work on finding the therapist :)

A real adult would forgive you if you honestly apologized and never did it again. Most guys that I know are very level-headed and would understand-- for the sake of the friendship and professionalism-- to let it drop and move along. Life is difficult enough-- we need all the friends we can get :)

[Plus I'm sure many of us-- me included-- have done dumb stuff when we've had a bit too many drinks. Live and learn :) ]

Original Post by janelovesjam:

Hey, no one's friends with anyone they don't think is at least a little attractive, and slippage can happen...

If you're worried because you weren't blind drunk (sounds like not) & so can't use your get out of jail free card, remind him of what you're going through; tell him that you're looking for help with all this, if you haven't; tell him you respect him as a friend; it was a moment, borne of vulnerability, a bit of confusion, and loneliness, that won't be repeated, and doesn't reflect some ongoing stalkerish obsession. None of that is an excuse.

You found him hot for a second, spurred by a feeling of closeness, and spoke too liberally. Worse things have happened. Hopefully he'll see past it.

(At university, I once pinned my very gay male friend to a wall and declared my intentions. We got over it.)

eta: haha, I think I said something like "I'm going to turn you". hahahaha, oh man, yup still embarrassing when I think of it. Anyway no one mentions it, we still hang out, am sure he's forgotten by now.

eta: good work on finding the therapist :)

lol, I promise you he's never forgotten, but probably loves you more for it :)

aw cheers... i'd thought/hoped the ptsd had wiped it from memory altogether, but that'd be good too :)

Original Post by janelovesjam:

Hey, no one's friends with anyone they don't think is at least a little attractive, and slippage can happen...

If you're worried because you weren't blind drunk (sounds like not) & so can't use your get out of jail free card, remind him of what you're going through; tell him that you're looking for help with all this, if you haven't; tell him you respect him as a friend; it was a moment, borne of vulnerability, a bit of confusion, and loneliness, that won't be repeated, and doesn't reflect some ongoing stalkerish obsession. None of that is an excuse.

You found him hot for a second, spurred by a feeling of closeness, and spoke too liberally. Worse things have happened. Hopefully he'll see past it.

(At university, I once pinned my very gay male friend to a wall and declared my intentions. We got over it.)

eta: haha, I think I said something like "I'm going to turn you". hahahaha, oh man, yup still embarrassing when I think of it. Anyway no one mentions it, we still hang out, am sure he's forgotten by now.

eta: good work on finding the therapist :)

There is no way that he's forgotten it.  ;-)

Original Post by kathygator:

Honestly?

Sometimes you just have to take the hit. I don't understand precisely why he is furious, but I suspect it would be either because he's attached or feels that you only wanted him to use him.

Either way, there are no words other than 'I'm deeply sorry. I ****ed up. It won't happen again.',  that will do.

It's important to know that whether he accepts the apology or not, and becomes your friend again, is not the issue. What is at issue is owning your behavior, and not doing it again. The shame spiral is futile, counterproductive and, in my view, to be halted, sooner rather than later.

Good job on seeking and finding a therapist. Stay the course, Pumpkins.

This. In many threads I find kathygator's advice to be spot on.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

Ohh **** me I am an idiot.

I have done something incredibly stupid. I am so embarrassed and I just want to crawl into a gigantic hole and perish. Well...maybe just crawl back into bed and eat a bag of Easter candy (thanks retailers everywhere for making that available three damn weeks early) and cry.

Found a therapist, one step forward.

Told my completely decent, awesome guy friend that I wanted to sleep with him in a tipsy stupor last night, five steps backwards. Did I mention he is also my coworker? And now we are not speaking.

I am mortified. I don't know how to fix it. I don't even think I do want to sleep with him....I don't know why I said that. I really don't know if I can sit here all day in the purposeful silence and humiliation.

I fear I have ruined what was a very rare, healthy friendship for good. It doesn't feel fixable. He is furious.

I am such a stupid self destructive girl. Can't even be friends with a dude without trying to bang him.

I'd be wondering why he is so furious!...just me I guess.

I'd make light of it...say something to break the ice.

*are you going to be annoyed with yourself all day for not wanting to sleep with me*

:D

Original Post by amd_66:


*are you going to be annoyed with yourself all day for not wanting to sleep with me*

:D

Ha! Brilliant.

Ha! That's awesome!

I think he is mad because of my reaction to HIS reaction. It wasn't fair or cool. Plus, he has been in some hot water at work lately...the last thing he needs is some office romance/sex scandal.

I think I am just feeling vulnerable. I didn't realize how comfortable I had gotten in my relationship. Now, I am just set loose in a world full of guys with unknown intentions and the potential to hurt me. I think I just wanted someone familiar and safe and he is about it right now.

did you talk to him, LP?

i agree with kathygator. i'm not quite understanding the "furious" thing. it's generally not an insult that you wanna sleep with someone - in fact quite the opposite. if he has a girlfriend then i understand him being a bit awkward/angry - but if not, i don't see why it's so much of a big deal. just say you're sorry and were drunk, and didn't really mean it so you're sorry to have made him feel uncomfortable. 

if he's still angry after that, well it's his problem! at least you've been the better person.

23 Replies (last)
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