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Boyfriend troubles - he won't take me seriously


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I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and I no longer want to be with him, i've fallen out of love with him and he no longer makes me happy, i've told him this and he tells me "oh don't start" as in i'm being stupid.

I know he still loves me, but i don't love him.

I don't want to hurt him too much, but how can i tell him that i don't want to be with him anymore, so that he'll take me seriously!

I told him this weekend how i felt and again the morning after(As he had been drinking, I hadn't) and now he's being nice to me which i can't stand as i know fine well its an act, which i can't pretend to do anymore, i've done it for far too long.

also i've never broken up with anyone before so its very new to me... and possibly why i've put up with being unhappy for so long.

 

 

32 Replies (last)

What's missing is 'distance'... If you're telling him how you feel in the morning does that mean you live together?  If so, then one or other of you has to depart... physically.   If he's not taking things seriously then you're the one that leaves.  He'll soon get the message.   Sticking around explaining that you don't love him any more gets you nowhere... in his mind 'you can't feel that bad about it or you wouldn't still be here'.

You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.  Don't worry too much about hurting his feelings.... that's a fairly inevitable result of break-ups.... just be polite but firm as you're filling the suitcase.  And if he's still not taking you seriously... have a big flaming row, lose your temper, throw stuff..... then pack the suitcase.  He may not be the kind that understands subtle hints.

You'll feel so much happier... Good luck

Take your time.  Make a sensible plan so that you can move on to a more comfortable life.  You need to sort out finances, living arrangements and begin to untangle your life from his.  You know it's time to leave, so do it.  There really isn't any point in trying to discuss it with him because it seems to me that the time for discussion is over.  You've made up your mind that you don't love him any more - why drag it out?

Its my flat, i pay all the bills on the place, so it would be him who needed to leave.. which makes it even harder..

My life is already untangled from his, as i am finacially indpendent, i just need him to leave and i know he'll have trouble finding somewhere to live as he is in masses of debt with housing companies..

So show him you're serious by changing the locks. 

Original Post by cellulitedelight:

So show him you're serious by changing the locks. 

 Council flat can't and he dosen't have a job so he sits at home all day..

Then you have to be very, very firm and tell him to leave.  It's bad enough that you're living with someone you don't love without him being a lazy freeloader at the same time.  You're not responsible for housing him or paying his way in life... how did you get suckered into that one?   If he has big debts that's his own stupid fault, not yours.  If he doesn't leave voluntarily, pack his belongings up and leave them outside.  If you can get some 'heavies' to help you in the form of your Dad/brother/best mate.... even better.  Sounds like this one won't go until without a rocket up his backside.  He doesn't love you, incidentally. But life's too cushy right where he is.....

Not sure what a council flat is, assuming that it is non profit housing?

Can you ask the management to change your locks for you?

If so, give you bf a time line to move out.  Tell him that the locks will be changed on (insert date here) and that he will have to have another home by that date.  If any of his stuff is still there on said date it will be boxed up and left in on the porch.

Be firm and stand your ground.

It took me three years to get rid of my ex.  Don't make my mistakes.  If I were ever to do it over again I would have cancelled my lease and have found other housing, the reason I didn't was because my best friend lived across the street from me and I needed her support at the time.

Another idea from a friend who has experienced something similar.  Slightly extreme but it's effective......  Start a big argument about him leaving, let it get nice and heated, throw crockery, and then call the police.   Complain that your boyfriend has been acting in a threatening manner and that you are scared of him.  Cry lots.   If police have been called to a 'domestic' at a council property and there is a threat of violence toward the main tenant (you) your council will immediately act to protect you and will come around and change the locks.  You don't have to press charges afterwards, of course.  But it would get him out of the way.

Pack up his stuff and toss it outside.  Tell him to leave or you will call the police. 

what you need to do is walk up to him and tell him your breaking up with him and that he has x-amount of days to pack up, find another place, and leave.

It's not fair to tell him you don't want to be with him... then take no action. Talk about mixed messages. I'm not surprised he thinks you're not serious if he says "don't start" and so you drop it. Act like you mean what you say. You can't expect him to take you seriously when you're not taking yourself seriously. Move out or stay at a friends until he has moved out (and put a time limit on when you expect him be out by). Be organised. And unless he's been a totally useless loser, try and be nice.

^^ I agree, you need to follow up with some action.  For some theatrics I do like GI Jane's suggestions...although it is pretty extreme and you need to be committed to the plan.

"I don't want to be with you anymore"

"...oh, don't start."

"I want you to leave my flat by Tuesday at noon."

"...asldkjgnarejernt???"

"I've saved you some time by packing your crap, everything you own is in a box to the left"

*the blank silence of harsh realization*

"We had a good run."

End scene.

I agree with everyone above. YOU need to take action. He's not going to take you seriously until you do.

Have a friend come over if you think he's going to become violent or verbally abusive so that you have a witness, and someone else to call the police in case he attacks you.

Make him pack his things, or do it yourself. He doesn't have a job and you pay all the bills? Yeah, kick him out. It's done.

#14  
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Original Post by gi-jane:

Another idea from a friend who has experienced something similar.  Slightly extreme but it's effective......  Start a big argument about him leaving, let it get nice and heated, throw crockery, and then call the police.   Complain that your boyfriend has been acting in a threatening manner and that you are scared of him.  Cry lots.   If police have been called to a 'domestic' at a council property and there is a threat of violence toward the main tenant (you) your council will immediately act to protect you and will come around and change the locks.  You don't have to press charges afterwards, of course.  But it would get him out of the way.

 

 Wait what? You are advising her to tell the police that he is acting threatening and that she is scared of him?  That is terrible! I have friends who have had psycho girls beat themselves up and then call the police. I just lost a tremendous amount of respect for you gi-jane. That is awful advice. Why not call the cops and tell the truth, that it is your apartment, and you have asked him to leave and he won't. That is trespassing.

I agree with surfee - crying wolf is a horrible suggestion. Women have a hard enough time getting police to take them seriously when they are real victims of abuse, and suggesting that a woman "fake it" to break up with her boyfriend is just... I can't even come up with a word to describe that.

Original Post by amethystgirl:

I agree with surfee - crying wolf is a horrible suggestion. Women have a hard enough time getting police to take them seriously when they are real victims of abuse, and suggesting that a woman "fake it" to break up with her boyfriend is just... I can't even come up with a word to describe that.

Utterly Stupid. It's two words, but it works.

Also, while your counting down the days till he leaves..assuming that you give him a firm date and time to find another place..do not let him sleep in the same bed with you. That will only confuse things more. You don't have to give him time though. There are shelters out there and maybe friends or family he can move in with. 

ummm...I'm actually shocked no one has brought this up.

First of all, hun, you need to BREAK UP WITH HIM. Telling him you don't love him and are not happy is NOT saying we are broken up and you need to move out.

If it would me, that's what I would do first...make it clear there is no longer a relationship. You need to look him in the eye and say 'it's over, you move out in two weeks or the end of the month...whatever day you choose. Hard not to take you seriously when you ACTUALLY tell him there is no relationship. This means no sex, hugs, no acting like everything is fine and then idely throwing out there that you don't love him........if you don't act like you are serious, he's not going to take you seriously.

 

 (edit: removed quote)

Original Post by surfee:

Why not call the cops and tell the truth, that it is your apartment, and you have asked him to leave and he won't. That is trespassing.

There has to be some indication that there are threats flying around or our policemen don't leave the station.  They don't come out for 'trespassing' or 'loitering with no intent to pay the bills'.  Sorry you didn't like the idea but I did say it was extreme

32 Replies (last)
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