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Kaiser covers counseling.  Been there done that.  I started with my primary care but that's because I was so depressed at the time I didn't kno what else to do.  Do u have the kaiser book that lists all the numbers?  there should b a number listed there and if u need a referral a call to your primary care should take care of that.   I kno they say only so many visits a year r covered but if your therapists thinks u need more they will b covered too. 

 Hang in there!  I kno how hard it can be but at least he is willing to work things out and didn't throw his hands up and walk out.  Take a deep breath, try to get some sleep tonight and start the day fresh tomorrow.  Also remember that everything is NOT YOUR FAULT!  U r human just like the rest of us, trying to make a better and healthier life for yourself.  He should b more supportive of your accomplishments!  Sending only positive thoughts and many hugs your way!

Perhaps the way he said it wasn't the greatest but think about how you would feel if he gained that weight as well. You've made jokes about your weight in a few threads so obviously it's something that bothers you as well. Let him know how the jokes make you feel. From what you've said he seems like a decent guy so let him know that the jokes are just as bad, or worse, than what he told you tonight.

Look on the bright side. He's not leaving you. He was just voicing his concerns. He's willing to go to counseling and work on things and you're already working on losing weight. This isn't a battle I think you will lose. You're trying to lose weight the healthy weight and it's great.

Have you told him about your dieting habits before? Perhaps it would give him some insight, ya know?

Wow...

I relate to a lot of your weight gain history.  I was just looking at a pic of myself from probably Dec 05 with my boyfriend, and I was around 80-90lbs less than I am now.  Right before I met him I had lost apprx 40lbs that I had gained during college.  Once we got together I started putting weight back on fast.  We ate out a lot, we ate junk food, and he is very doting with food, ie.. will bring me sweets etc...  But those were circumstances, I still have not quite figured out why I ate it.  Why I ate so much I gained so much weight so fast (most of it happened in a year).  What was (is) going on with me.  I have maintained a heavier weight for a few years now.  Looking at that old picture tonight versus a newer one, yikes.

He has never said anything.  Not a word.  In some ways for me that is good-  My dad was very vocal about my moms weight and took it as something personal against him.  So I feel like I would be triggered into some daddy issues and feel somewhat devastated if he said something, but I also feel it would be true and valid.  Maybe that makes it worse.  I can only imagine you are hurting.

I agree with what Kathy said, there is probably more going on than weight.  He may have a reasonable concern, but typically when someone is too invested in the shortcomings of their partner... it is a way to avoid what is bothering them about themselves.  It is easier to look at someone else and come up with a solution (eat less exercise more... it's so easy when you don't have weight/food issues) than deal with what they don't like about themselves.

Also Kaiser does counseling.  Maybe it would be a good idea to do couples and 1 on 1.  And I would threaten to kick him where it counts if he ever calls you tubesock boobs again.  It is one thing to bring up a genuine concern... it is another thing to pick on you.

Roxy, dear, I didn't notice in your posts if you mentioned your hubby's weight/body condition?  Has he gained along with you?  Or is he "perfect"? (ha)  It's a shame that he has resorted to name calling and being cruel, but he's probably disappointed in you for the weight gain and does not know how to "wake you up" any other way (unfortunately).   It's good that he will go to counseling - do it.  But how about approaching him to help you (and himself) by BOTH of you getting on a good health regime.  Make it a team effort -planning healthy meals, working out together, walking together, biking, etc.  He would know that you are serious about weight loss and if he's serious about your marriage, he'll respond favorably.

Please keep us up to date on things.  CCers care.   ((hugs))

 

Original Post by amethystgirl:

First of all (((roxy))).

Second, I think it's important that you recognize how good it is that he is open to counseling. He doesn't see this as unfixable, and neither should you. Will it be hard? Of course. But going to counseling in the first few years of marriage isn't a bad thing. It's good that he was able to voice his concerns to you, and you are taking a proactive step, not just throwing your hands up in the air and thinking that it's useless.

Third, and perhaps this is something that you can talk about in therapy... are there ways that he could help you in your weight loss? Does he know what you are doing to work on your weight (cc, exercise, etc)? The comments he's making - he might just have no idea how to help you, and has the misguided idea that little "jokes" will help nudge you towards losing weight.  Try to think about stuff that he could say that would encourage you - sometimes people just need to know what you need to hear.

You know that the last time you lost weight you did it the wrong way. And doing it that way set you up for the weight gain. You are going to get back to a healthy weight, and you are doing it the right way, but it's going to take time, and it's going to take support.

+1 to all of this.

Also - does he know about how ou unhealthily lost weight the first time?

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Sounds like you guys are on the right track, Rox.

Feel strong, be strong. :)

Hey, I'm in my 30s been through counseling with the hubby and all that yadda yadda. We patched it up, it wasn't easy. Know this ahead of time that counseling searches to defuse situations and that will be helpful, but it may also feel somewhat clinical.

Now first things first:

1. It is NOT your fault.

2. He's working out all this time, when he should be spending time with you? Change needs to come from both. Being able and willing to compromise is huge. Are your needs really being met? Make a list of things that he does / can do for you that make you feel loved (this isn't a sex thing necessarily).

3. You can work on building a foundation of communication through counseling, if you want to.

4. He needs to understand your issues (and care about all of them).. not just say the words.

5. He's lucky to be able to touch your d breasts at all.

6. You CAN lose the weight, but you can't fix ugly from the outside..
   and that's what his behaviour is :)


EDIT: Ok #6 is a bit harsh, the counseling can fix his ugly side :p

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Yay!

Good Luck!! :)

I say give the counselling a shot, see if it's not another issue that's presenting itself as the above.  If that doesn't work, screw him!!

Unfortunately, not all relationships last, so the last thing you want to do is stay in one that you are unhappy in.  If he's genuinely in love with you, but is less attracted because of weight loss, he should be motivating you instead of insulting you.  He should be more than willing to discuss anything with you, including issues like the above, and he should do so in a timely fashion instead of bottling up.

I am overweight, and met my boyfriend last year.  Since we've started dating, I've gained some of the weight I lost last year back.  Now that we've moved in together, I'm feeling more at ease in telling him that I want to get back on track.  His answer?  Well, besides the initial "You do NOT need to lose weight, you're perfect!" (I love him for lying to me:) ), he's going to start going on walks with me, we're going to start biking, hiking, eating healthy together.  He's got a couple pounds to shed as well (though his is only around 15, where mine is like 60).

If your husband isn't going to be supportive in the long run, then ditch him.  I know that's hard to hear, but the last thing you need is to be in a relationship that will ultimately make you unhappy.

(((roxy)))

I really hope that counseling works out well for you guys.

I just wanted to add that it is completely within your rights to tell your husband that making fun of you is not acceptable in a loving, supportive relationship. I was also afflicted with "tube socks" at a young age, and have always been self-conscious about it. I know that if my partner made fun of me for something that I absolutely did not bring on myself and can't change about myself, it would really hurt.

Also, please don't be so down on yourself. Your husband obviously knew that weight was an issue for you when he married you, and you have already taken steps to deal with your weight (even before you realized it was an issue in your marriage). In fact, it might help if you explained how unhealthy and dangerous it was when you lost the weight last time, and how you have already committed to doing it right this time - even if it means it might take a bit longer.

Original Post by roxysparkles:

Update:

I called his work's EAP plan. She gave me the name of a counselor right down the street from me. The first 5 sessions are free. After that, we need to contact our primary insurance.

I'm going to call today and make us an appointment.

EAP is amazing.

Way to go.  Sorry you have to go through this.  I think it's great that you both are willing to go to counseling, and it sounds like he is taking this seriously.  I think most issues in marriage boil down to bad communication.  I also commend you for getting rid of those pesky 10 pounds.  You are on the right track.  Just remember to do this for YOU and not for HIM.  I really hope he learns how to be more supportive.  Good luck!

I'm so glad that he's up for counselling. I agree that making fun of you doesn't help anybody. Nagging and teasing usually have the opposite effect, at least for me. If someone's being insulting and making you feel bad, it's harder to take care of yourself! Keep letting him know that the comments hurt you, and if he keeps making them he's an insensitive &(&*(!!%% anyway.

He takes great care of himself. He lift weights 5-6 days a week, and does cardio about 3 days. He's very muscular and has an extremely nice build. He feels that my weight gain is a slap in the face to him. He feels like by me gaining weight, I have disrespected him, and that I don't care enough about him to change it... (although he does know I am working towards it now).

This paragraph made me angry. How is your weight gain a slap in his face? Weight is a very personal thing. No matter how much you love someone and how happy you are to be with them, sometimes weight is gained for various reasons. Sometimes it's just hard to stop eating, sometimes it's emotional. The way you eat/gain weight is in no way related to how he takes care of himself. If he chooses to work out and be fit, then that's great for him, but...he has a right to be concerned with your personal health, but no right to judge you for it.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I just want to offer you *hugs* and repeat what others have said - don't get into nasty dieting habits again, they just make you yo-yo! My grandma's struggled with weight for many, many  years, and I've learned a lot from her - restricting from everything only makes you rebound harder.

I guess it's good that he was honest, but I'd be every bit as upset as you are.

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thanks crazineko. I'm hoping for the best, too, obviously!

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273 Replies (last)
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