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Original Post by roxysparkles:
Original Post by thehappyfish:
This paragraph made me angry. How is your weight gain a slap in his face? Weight is a very personal thing. No matter how much you love someone and how happy you are to be with them, sometimes weight is gained for various reasons. Sometimes it's just hard to stop eating, sometimes it's emotional. The way you eat/gain weight is in no way related to how he takes care of himself. If he chooses to work out and be fit, then that's great for him, but...he has a right to be concerned with your personal health, but no right to judge you for it.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I just want to offer you *hugs* and repeat what others have said - don't get into nasty dieting habits again, they just make you yo-yo! My grandma's struggled with weight for many, many years, and I've learned a lot from her - restricting from everything only makes you rebound harder.
I guess it's good that he was honest, but I'd be every bit as upset as you are.I understand what you are saying about how it's a slap in his face... but that's the way he thinks. He feels that by letting myself go, I am showing great disrespect for him as my life partner. He takes care of himself by working out, eating okay, etc, and that I should do the same. He is taking my weight gain personally, which is not correct at all. But it's hard for me to explain that to him. To explain how by me gaining weight, I do not mean to disrespect him. Of course I respect him, he's my husband, my partner. But hopefully this is where counseling can come in and tell him that I mean no disrespect to him personally by gaining weight. It's issues with ME not HIM.
I love food. I love eating. I need to learn to eat to live not live to eat.
Just remember that he's being a dink about it and that you have to do what you have to do for yourself and your own body, not because he thinks you're disrespecting him. You have to look out for number one :)
As long as he starts getting more supportive and less insulting. :)
(((roxy))) I don't know if I can be considered a "mature adult", but I am your age too and in a serious relationship, and also have issues with weight so I feel like I can relate a little.
I think it was good that your husband was honest, but I really, really resent that he is making the fat jokes and saggy boobs jokes. I have saggy boobs too and I know I would be so hurt if my boyfriend mentioned it, because it's one of those things we can't do anything about, short of surgery, and might even become worse with weight loss. And as for the jokes being a "nice way" to let you know that he'd like you to lose weight...well, those of us who have been on the receiving end know just how nice they feel.
I think promising him that you'll never let yourself go is a nice idea, but who can really promise that? There are changes that happen over time that we can't even do anything about. Faces get wrinkled, boobies get saggy, etc.
The thing sticking out to me most here, is that you yourself have issues with your appearance (believe me, I can relate, and also I realize you are aware of this already) and that is the #1 thing that has to change. I truly believe that you can work at changing your behavior until you are blue in the face, but until you change your thinking, it will be like running into a brick wall. So I think you both have a lot to get out of the counseling as a couple, but you also stand to learn a lot as an individual.
I think I mentioned this in another post, but my dad and stepmom got counseling last year for some marital problems they were having. It ended up though, that my dad personally got so much out of the counseling. It was structured so that he went to one session alone, then my stepmom went once alone, and then they went once together, and so on. So he had time alone with the counselor to talk about his issues and how they related to the marital problems. I think this was incredibly beneficial. Maybe something like this could be arranged?
Hopefully your husband will learn ways of communicating other than making jokes, and ways of making you feel good and supporting you through this process. Especially since he is already good at managing his weight, he may actually have a lot to offer if he learns how. I think the comment about wishing people would tell him he has a beautiful wife was also unnecessary. I have to be honest that while objectively I recognize that he has the right to his feelings, and it was good that he was honest about them, it drives me absolutely crazy that these are his feelings.
Just to share a little horror story, my paternal grandparents are absolutely obsessed with weight. They are both over 80 and my grandfather monitors my grandmother's weight. He has said many times that if he noticed over the years that she gained a few pounds he has told her to lose the weight because he doesn't want to get in bed with her and he doesn't want a fat wife. She is about 5'2" and probably 120 pounds. She weighs herself every day in front of him and he checks it. I mean this is some scary s***!!! I think I was so afraid of that kind of relationship that it became incredibly important to me to find someone who was willing to be with me at any weight (and I did!) but that is why it bothers me so much I think.
I see many older couples - friends' parents, coworkers, my dad and stepmom, and even people I see walking down the street - who act affectionate and loving towards each other (granted, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors) and one or both of them are heavy and/or unattractive! It's not that I think attraction in a marriage is unimportant, but more that when you look at your partner, you see not just what's on the outside, but everything you love about them on the inside, and it makes them more attractive to you.
I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with me. Maybe I am just being the overweight yet optimistic 25-year old (whose boyfriend just made a visit to a jeweler to look at rings) that I am, but that's how I like to think about it.
Anyway, what I hope for you both is that you both get a lot out of the counseling. I think it is also very important and promising that you are doing it NOW and not years from now when you have built up resentments toward each other that could be harder to reverse. Your marriage won't necessarily be negatively affected in the long term and could even get stronger through this.
thanks, phillygirl. That was a really nice response.
Original Post by roxysparkles:
I'm really glad your boyfriend accepts you for who you are, not what you look like. I guess I can't say the same thing for my husband...??
Ack! I didn't mean to make you feel worse. He surely accepts you for who you are because he wants to work at this issue and stay with you. I think I am just hypersensitive to this stuff because of way I grew up. Like, my grandfather told me I'd never get married unless I lost weight. I think my mom told me similar stuff but she recently went on a date and told me she is afraid the guy will eventually want to have sex (ew! parents having sex!!! haha) and she won't feel comfortable because of the way her body looks. So that kind of stuff rubs off, I think.
Attraction is different for everyone, but I am guessing that probably as you've gained, you haven't been feeling as good about yourself. Maybe you haven't been as interested in sex as a result. So that is all part of his attraction for you, not just the outward appearance, but also your attitude about yourself and about sex. I know that is true for me. At my heaviest, I didn't even want to have sex (didn't have a boyfriend at the time but I sure wasn't trying to either) because I didn't feel good about myself. And then at the beginning of my current relationship, I placed so much importance on sex that if my boyfriend was tired one night and fell asleep and we didn't do it, I would get nervous that he wasn't attracted to me (I have since corrected that line of thinking).
I'm not really sure how to express my point. I think I am trying to say that, I don't think the issue going on will be resolved completely just by you losing weight and it seems that you feel that losing weight is the key to getting everything back on track. I don't think any thought that begins with "If only I lost weight then..." is going to be valid. There are things you can do right now at your current weight to start improving your situation, like going to counseling. I'm not saying to stop trying to lose weight! But I believe all that sappy stuff about loving yourself first and losing weight for you with all my heart! Because when I started doing it, that's when everything fell into place for me.
Original Post by roxysparkles:
His comment about his friends saying to him about having such a beautiful wife, etc, bothered me too. I told him that. I also told him there is so much more to a person than looks/weight. He agreed. He said he loves me still the same, but that I don't turn him on as much as I did when I looked good. He said I still turn him on, but not as much. ugh.
Yeah, that is a hard one. I mean, what about his friends saying that he had an awesome wife? Or a smart, funny, or successful wife?
One other thing to keep in mind is your husband's mental state outside of the relationship and your weight gain: years ago, I was in a dysfunctional relationship where the sex had pretty much dried up. Whenever I tried to initiate, my BF would just ignore me. I asked him why we never had sex anymore, and he told me that he wasn't as attracted to me due to my weight (I had gained maybe 5 lbs). So, I lost the weight. You know what happened? Still no sex. After we broke up, I realized that the actual problem was that I was dating a clinically depressed alcoholic.
So, I guess what I am saying is that counseling should also help you make sure that the problem actually is your weight and his reaction to it, and not some sort of weird underlying issue.
I would say men are more visual and this makes them more shallow, but it does seem like there are a lot of women who would lose attraction for their partners if they gained weight, too. I don't get it. I can see if someone got grossly, morbidly obese, like if they had to ride around in a scooter because they couldn't walk or something, but a few extra pounds shouldn't make someone stop loving you or being attracted to you.
My husband and I have both been up and down the weight scale. Ironically we have kind of switched places. When we first met, I was at my highest weight ever of 165. I went on an unhealthy crash diet and lost 50 lbs in 4 months, getting to my lowest weight since high school of 115. That is when we started dating. He weighed about 275 - which is about 80 lbs overweight for his size. During the 2 years we dated, I gained about 25-30 lbs. I weighed about 140 when we got married. Now (we've been married 4 years) I have gained another 15 lbs, so although not up to my all time high, I have still gained about 40 lbs total since we started dating (out of the 50 lbs that I had lost before we started dating). I am diligently working on losing it (run/walk about 4 miles every day, watching what I eat, etc.) but it's a lot harder in your 30s than it was in my 20s, unfortunately. My husband, on the other hand, stayed pretty consistently overweight during dating and early into our marriage. About a year later he took up running and over a year lost all the weight (about 80 lbs). He's gained a little back (maybe 10 lbs) but has pretty consistently kept it off for the past 3 years. But even if he gained it all back I wouldn't find him any less attractive. Hell, he was overweight when we first started dating and I fell in love with him then.
He has never said a word to me about my weight (or my floppy boobs, which I have always had regardless of weight), which is really good. I just hope he doesn't secretly feel like your husband, though! Sometimes I want to ask but I am afraid of the answer so I don't. I guess the best thing would be for me to just lose the weight already and take care of the problem once and for all... if it was only that easy!
I think counseling will help. Don't look at it like this is a failure - like we have to go to counseling even though we've only been married a short time, and I'm only 25, so I'm/we're a failure. It's not like that at all, anymore than having to go to the doctor for an illness is some kind of failure. This is just something to help you get better, learn to communicate better, and strengthen your marriage. Best wishes to you!
Original Post by roxysparkles:
He takes great care of himself. He lift weights 5-6 days a week, and does cardio about 3 days. He's very muscular and has an extremely nice build.
***Disclaimer: Since I got clobbered the last time I had an opinion, make no mistake this time...THIS IS MY OPINION. Take it or leave it. I'm just an outsider looking in to half of the story. I do not condone his cruel jokes, but I do condone that he was honest with you about your weight gain. As harsh as it might have felt. There is no pretty way to tell someone something about their weight. It's like trying to tell someone about their driving. It's a real touchy subject unless you are a perfect 10.***
Okay, with that said...
As much as your husband loves you, you need to look at it from his prespective. I quoted the above quote because you should think of it this way: He is working out constantly and looking good for YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! He's not cheating on you and giving his body to anyone else BUT YOU. He is keeping up his appearance and his appeal for ONLY YOU. What are you doing for him? He is your one and only. Doesn't he deserve the best from you?
I know this sounds harsh and maybe a little "bootcampy" but it's the truth and although he loves you, he feels disappointed in you. Not really a slap in the face as you describe it, but just disappointed.
Make him proud of you! Lose the weight the right way, stay active, be healthy and happiness will follow.
Sorry I'm not being more sympathetic.
Would you rather all these internet hugs or honesty?
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Thanks for sharing your story adolphs.
Original Post by justagirl1:
As much as your husband loves you, you need to look at it from his prespective. I quoted the above quote because you should think of it this way: He is working out constantly and looking good for YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! He's not cheating on you and giving his body to anyone else BUT YOU. He is keeping up his appearance and his appeal for ONLY YOU. What are you doing for him? He is your one and only. Doesn't he deserve the best from you?
It's nice to look good for your SO but when it comes down to it, your body is your own responsibility, and keeping it or changing it a certain way for someone else isn't a change that will necessarily last. You have to do it for yourself. Body image is a very personal matter.
Original Post by justagirl1:
As much as your husband loves you, you need to look at it from his prespective. I quoted the above quote because you should think of it this way: He is working out constantly and looking good for YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! He's not cheating on you and giving his body to anyone else BUT YOU. He is keeping up his appearance and his appeal for ONLY YOU.
I doubt he is doing it for only her. As if they weren't married, he would just turn into a blob? I doubt it. Most people do it for themselves, and it is an additional benefit for their partner. When my hubby lost weight it wasn't because I was badgering him to do so or he felt some obligation to look a certain way for me. In fact I would have preferred he lay in bed with me a few extra hours rather than getting up early to go run! But I am happy with the result. I also liked how he looked before :)
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Original Post by thehappyfish:
Original Post by justagirl1:
As much as your husband loves you, you need to look at it from his prespective. I quoted the above quote because you should think of it this way: He is working out constantly and looking good for YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! He's not cheating on you and giving his body to anyone else BUT YOU. He is keeping up his appearance and his appeal for ONLY YOU. What are you doing for him? He is your one and only. Doesn't he deserve the best from you?
It's nice to look good for your SO but when it comes down to it, your body is your own responsibility, and keeping it or changing it a certain way for someone else isn't a change that will necessarily last. You have to do it for yourself. Body image is a very personal matter.
Yes, this is what I was trying to say! Thank you!
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Original Post by roxysparkles:
Original Post by theholla:
Yeah, that is a hard one. I mean, what about his friends saying that he had an awesome wife? Or a smart, funny, or successful wife?
I'm sorry you uncovered the truth on your old relationship about your boyfriend being a clinically depressed alcoholic - or maybe I'm not sorry. I guess that's a good thing to figure out pretty early on. Anyway, thanks for your support.68059652AA
Original Post by augustnkate:
((roxy)) I've never been in that situation so I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to say...Just dump the jerk and owe a dollar. The other part wants to say...At least he was honest and told you. Now you can move forward, go to counseling and deal with it.
I hope someone wiser than myself can offer something better than I have.
You owe me $1.
And, for the record,
Just dump the jerk.
Original Post by roxysparkles:
Original Post by justagirl1:What are you doing for him? He is your one and only. Doesn't he deserve the best from you?
I guess I never really thought that the only thing I could for him was to look good... We connect in other ways besides physically... Thanks for your opinion... I am working towards losing the weight, so I feel that's a step in the right direction.
I'm really not a fan of the "what are you doing for each other" mentality. If you're together you do a million little things for each other every day, emotionally, physically...There's plenty of give and take. I don't think there's any reason to sit down and make a list.
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Original Post by roxysparkles:
I'm not going to... But now I wish I was meeting with our therapist today.
:( I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, I know it sucks.
