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Some people are put off by others who don't take care of themselves, but I think aging is accepted by most and probably your husband. Aging is part of life, being overweight isn't (too bad most of us are though).  I hope that's how your SO is thinking and he's not being shallow.  I really feel that from your post that he has good intentions.

Bring it up in therapy. Let us know how it's going.

Thanks MJ

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Original Post by roxysparkles:

Have an appointment with the therapist set up for Wednesday 6/16/10 @ 7:30 pm.

Good news!

Sometimes I like to either keep a journal of what I'm feeling or make a list of what I want to talk about...it helps get my thoughts together. I don't know if that would help for you.

Sounds like a great idea.

Original Post by roxysparkles:

Original Post by thehappyfish:

Good news!

Sometimes I like to either keep a journal of what I'm feeling or make a list of what I want to talk about...it helps get my thoughts together. I don't know if that would help for you.

Sounds like a great idea. Do you think we should both do this together? Separate?

I can't say for sure because I've never been to couples counselling, but I'd say you should each do it separately so you can pour out real feelings without fear of hurting each other...then you can choose whether or not to share together, or if you want to bring it up at separate, private sessions. I think it's better to get everything out even if it sounds mean - but you don't necessarily want anyone else to see your mean thoughts, or your sad thoughts...am I making sense?

Rox, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's easier to bottle up your feelings and be quiet when an SO unknowingly hurts your feelings, than to speak up about it. Eating issues are also embarrassing to talk about.

I'm not sure if you had full-blown anorexia or a short-lived bout of it, but either way, the distorted body image and unhealthy thoughts were, and possibly are still, there. I went through about two years of anorexia, and even though it's behind me, it still hurts and is embarrassing to talk about.

Because I am very sensitive about talking about weight, I had to tell my boyfriend about my past when he made a few insensitive comments [not to me, but still]. I was very embarrassed to say that I starved myself and obsessed about food. He never knew I was so sensitive about the subject. Now he is more careful about what he says.

I really think this is important for you. I have spent some time on the health and support forum, and I have read about some girls who relapse because of repeated comments like the ones your husband is saying. That was just a major red flag for me, and I really hope you will bring it up in therapy.

Oh, and also, please don't be ashamed about going to couple's therapy early in your marriage [or at all]. My boyfriend and I went to a couple of sessions to get an issue out of the way. I now feel much better about it.

Also, we went to a therapist through our university. She told me that a lot of students [who are younger than you!] attended couple's therapy. We also did the method in which I went to one session alone, he went to one session alone, then we went to a session together. I felt like that way, the therapist got to hear both sides of the story. It turns out my boyfriend and I had completely different things to say about the situation - it barely sounded like we were talking about the same thing!

I hope that you and your husband can use the tools that the therapist will teach you to communicate better. I believe in you guys. Keep us updated! :)

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Good luck with therapy - that sounds like a smart step to be taking.

I haven't read through all the comments, so I apologize if I duplicate.  However, I want to point out to you that it's because he loves you and wants to be with you that your husband said anything at all.  Think about it.  He is telling you that he perceives a problem and wants your help fixing it.  A man who truly didn't give a rat's ass would walk away, or start cheating.

I'm sure he took a beating on the boards, but the fact that your man had the balls to tell you what was bothering him makes him a pretty stand-up guy in my book.

Men need sex.  Period.  Lots of it.  That you aren't having hardly any suggests strongly to me that you don't feel attractive and sexy in today's body.  Because if you did feel attractive and sexy, you'd feel good about initiating sex with him, and you'd probably be having a lot more of it (seriously, how many times is he going to turn it down).  So it seems at least possible that your weight is affecting your self-esteem, which is affecting your sex life, which is seriously affecting your husband's happiness in his marriage.

You're here on CC, so you're already acknowledging that you want to change and taking steps to improve yourself.  Just keep it up.  Don't hold the fact that your husband said what you secretly thought and were afraid of against him.  Ultimately, you both want the same thing.

Best of luck.

Hey, girl!   I am here to put in my two cents worth:

1 - Counselling is a good idea

2 - The hurtful comments / jokes about your body and your boobs have to stop.  Now.  Tonight.  No tolerance!

3 - Take it easy with the weight loss.  Your metabolism has already been stressed by your past starvation habits.  If you go into starvation mode again you could shoot your metabolism completely.

4 - Aim for your husband and yourself to include nutrition counselling in your therapy program so he can better understand what your past habits have done to your body and how those metabolic changes inpact thespeed at which you can lose weight

5 - What about taking a Light Cooking Class together?  What about joining him at the gym?  Couples who share hobbies grow together vs apart.

Best of luck. ((hugs))

Original Post by lysistrata:

I'm sure he took a beating on the boards, but the fact that your man had the balls to tell you what was bothering him makes him a pretty stand-up guy in my book.

Actually only a few people went the "he's trying to control you" route. It was refreshing.

1) Your husband should love you for WHO YOU ARE

2) Marriage counseling is not a bad thing!

Every relationship has its ups and downs. That's normal. You may be going through some tough times right now but that doesn't mean your marriage is failing. It's definitely a good sign that your husband is willing to see a counselor because it means he values his relationship with you and wants things to work out because he loves you that much! Marriage counseling is a great idea because it will allow him to see things from your perspective (and vice versa)and you will gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for one another.

For the past couple of years you have had serious weight fluctuations ranging from underweight to overweight. I personally believe you may suffer from an eating disorder and should seek individual counseling for this. Your weight is clearly a sensitive issue for you. It's good that your husband was honest with you and admitted that he is bothered by your weight, but it was wrong for him to make fun of you, especially when you already suffer from low self-esteem. This kind of behavior is hurtful and isn't part of a healthy happy relationship. Hopefully the marriage counselor will point this out to him. Remember, this won't have a bad effect on your marriage unless you allow it to!

Hey roxy - I don't have perky boobs either.  Not in the genes!  And mine aren't as big as yours either, so size isn't the issue.  Just wanted you to know you weren't a freak!  :)

Remind your hubby that if you get a tata lift, you may lose some sensitivity.  Ask yourself whether you want to risk losing sexual pleasure for the sake of appearances.

Original Post by terrilicious:

Granted all I can tell is from what you are telling us, but I see a couple of red flags here, that yes, your counselor is going to find other issues. This is only my opinion.

Sounds to me like he's a pretty selfish basta*d.  I think he picked a younger woman because women his age could see thru him more easily. You can't honestly think he was unaware that you were starving yourself and b+p.  He's not the victim here. I think he didn't care how you did it, he was happy having his skinny lil arm  candy.      &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;       Poor baby, he want's his buddies to covet his wife. Are they as superficial as he is?               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;               &nb sp;              He sounds like a manipulator who has learned how to guilt you into feeling like you are always the one in the wrong.  And those mean "jokes" aren't jokes, they are a tool used to demoralize and demean you because he wanted to hurt your feelings.  Why?  Because that's way easier than sitting down with you and saying hey "honey, let's start taking walks together/ working out together "   or " I'd like to help you change your eating habits because I love you and I'm worried about your health and I want you to be around for a long  time."  He is just as much to blame for this as you, quit fooling yourself.   Good luck with the couseling, I do honestly hope it will help both of you.

Hey Roxy, I was actually thinkign of you when I was in Cologne last week, because I saw a pom for the first time in my life. Vaarry cute little bugger, although unfortunately not really interested in making friends.

I've just come back (to home and CC) and I'm really sorry to read that you've had such a hard time! I've read most of the responses and, like all others, I think councelling is a good idea. I wish I'd have had the chance to do it with my last SO, but he ran off with someone else instead :-/

The post by Terrilicous sounds a bit rough, but I'm quoting it because I agree with some points. Yes, that your husband wants you to lose weight is about attraction, self-confidence and thus better sex life, but there seem to be a few power issues here as well.

He's a fair bit older than you and in your age group that means he's kind of a 'lifestep ahead' (not sure how else to put that) This plus the many self-depracating things you said sent up some red flags.

What happens when you will catch up with him in your thirties? (when he will start slowing down) What if you start ageing and decide to let it show? What happens if you will earn more money?

I think it's great that you do the councelling. I'm sure the councellor will look at power issues, but keep an eye on them, too.

(((Roxy)))

P.S. Poms forever! :-)

 

Original Post by kathygator:

Aww darlin.

You've got a few good things here.

1. He's interested in counseling.
2. He's talking to you about how he feels before he starts to get really ugly and mean.
3. No matter what happens, the absolute worst thing that would happen would be he'd decide to divorce you. You wouldn't die, you would only be 25 or so, and quite able to redirect your life in the direction that's best for you.

 

Having said all that...

You gained all that weight back so quickly because of the eating habits you practiced to lose it. Same thing happened to me when I was 20. I was not lucky enough to have a clue about the right way to proceed, so I just kept doing the same bad stuff expecting different results.

You have many, many good choices now. You know the right way to lose and maintain, you've only got about 40 pounds to lose. All is well within your grasp.

 

Counseling will be really important to help you weed through the bullshyte that he's laying on you. And make no mistake, it's absolute bullshyte.

While I understand someone finding himself less attracted to a woman because of a rapid weight gain, I absolutely do not understand cruelty in word or deed because of it.

In that, he's wrong and the sooner he gets that corrected with counseling the better.

Run, don't walk to make that first appointment.

 

 

Listen to Kathy's advice, its pretty damn good.  Counseling will not only help your marriage, but on a more personal level, you.

Original Post by lysistrata:

 

Men need sex.  Period.  Lots of it.  That you aren't having hardly any suggests strongly to me that you don't feel attractive and sexy in today's body.  Because if you did feel attractive and sexy, you'd feel good about initiating sex with him, and you'd probably be having a lot more of it (seriously, how many times is he going to turn it down).  So it seems at least possible that your weight is affecting your self-esteem, which is affecting your sex life, which is seriously affecting your husband's happiness in his marriage.

 

Excuse me so do women!!!  Also there are people who have lower libidos than others male or female.   With that said I am 50 been married close to 26 years but we are separating - me because of his inability to ---  Its really hard to connect on an every day level when you can't connect at the intimate level anymore.  A sexless marriage is not a good marriage.  I read on one marriage counseling site that sex less than 3 times a month is considered sexless.  

If one of you isn't asking the other for sex in some way at least once a week I'd be concerned.  

When I was young I had a marriage fall apart at 2 years - he wasn't open to counseling though so you should be happy about that!!  I wish you the very best.

 

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Thanks Kat :)

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