it's called individuation
if you think someone else is making you feel a certain way, you're mistaken. maybe in an interaction--probably in a close relationship--you find yourself feeling victimized. you feel angry or sad or frustrated.
here's the thing (and you can thank smwhipple for this thread; she made me do it):
the other person isn't making you feel anything. your interpretation of the other person's behaviour determines what you feel, not the person.
emotions do not have a direct link to the external world. they exist only in you.
yes, it can take you awhile to figure out why you experience emotions; some people never do figure it out. especially in long-standing relationships, where behaviours and emotions tend to follow patterns, we can come to believe that that's just the way things are; that they'll never change. but the emotions always begin and end in you, and when you recognize this, you can change your interpretations and your behaviours (which makes it easier to change the emotions).
the real point is, if you hold someone else responsible for your emotions, you're in deep ****, because there's absolutely nothing you can do about someone else's behaviour.
the ability to take responsibility for your own emotional responses and to behave according to your own belief systems (rather than reacting to others' behaviour) is called individuation. and--trust me--you will like it.
I try to behave according to a simplified interpretation of the above. I repeat to myself, "You can't control others' behavior; you can only control your reaction to it."
It helps me gain perspective.
Original Post by pgeorgian:
the ability to take responsibility for your own emotional responses and to behave according to your own belief systems (rather than reacting to others' behaviour) is called individuation. and--trust me--you will like it.
Sounds pretty interesting. How does one control their emotions? By pretending they don't exist? Or is it not controlling? What do you mean exactly by taking "responsibility for your own emotional responses"?
I saw this in the other thread. I find it interesting. How does one go about changing? I mean, I get offended by everything, I'm wondering how to avoid those feelings from happening. I can try and think them away or will them away but they're still there... just underneath.
i think you coined that term while Reaganing.
So instead of "He makes me so angry!" you would say instead "I am angry because..."? Something along those lines?
I simply threatened to try starting it with an inadequate effort which you know would drive you nuts to clarify.
Some things that people do drive me nuts, but if I know why they do them it doesn't bug me. So it's not the thing they do, but my interpretation that is the problem.
But an inability to take responsibility for the pain you cause others, lack of empathy, or disassociative state related to understanding your behaviour and its effects on others are all on the checklists of half a dozen mental illnesses.
Your point is the mirror of that.
Just saying. Edit: swapped affects for effects. Stupid phone.
Does it give you license to act without regard to others' feelings?
If someone made me feel bad and I know why they made me feel bad it will still make me feel bad.
I don't think individuation results in a loss of conscience. I still care about how my behavior affects others. I just try to be a bit more cognizant of how I let others' behavior affect me.
I like how we get all clinical up in this place
I can't stand when people blame others for their unhappiness. Unless you are 12, you go away from that person.
Original Post by cptbunny:
If someone made me feel bad and I know why they made me feel bad it will still make me feel bad.
I don't think pg means that you shouldn't experience the emotions. More that you can control and own your reaction to the stimulus.
Original Post by spirochete:
I can't stand when people blame others for their unhappiness. Unless you are 12, you go away from that person.
this.
So, can I have an example? I think I'm too stoopid for this thread. lol...
I am understanding this as:
Someone calls me fat. I get upset that I was called fat.
I should not be hurt?
So how do I change my reaction to the negative stimuli? Like, it hurt me, how do I not let it hurt me anymore?
It was wrong of the person to call you fat - people don't need to be mean - but you can control how you react. Acknowledge that you feel bad, and the reason is that your reaction to being called fat is to be hurt. The other person didn't make you feel bad. Your feeling bad was a reaction to what they said. It's a subtle distinction.
Then, tell that person to eff off, and don't hang out with them anymore.
Original Post by spirochete:
I like how we get all clinical up in this place
I can't stand when people blame others for their unhappiness. Unless you are 12, you go away from that person.
I don't want to say I blame anyone for my unhappiness.. but when my husband is unhappy about something, I am usually unhappy too.. even if it doesn't affect me. How do you control how you respond emotionally to the emotions of others?
Original Post by jadedblue:
Original Post by pgeorgian:
the ability to take responsibility for your own emotional responses and to behave according to your own belief systems (rather than reacting to others' behaviour) is called individuation. and--trust me--you will like it.
Sounds pretty interesting. How does one control their emotions? By pretending they don't exist? Or is it not controlling? What do you mean exactly by taking "responsibility for your own emotional responses"?
it's less about controlling emotions and more about slowing down the time between the trigger and the response, and giving yourself time to look at how you're interpreting the trigger. because whether we're aware of it or not, there's a lot more going on in between. and the stuff that's going on in between isn't about the other person and what they do; it's about our beliefs about ourself and our world view.
there's the trigger (say, a friend cancels plans at the last minute) and there's the response (wah!)
but in between, there's the interpretation:
trigger-->she doesn't like me! i'm boring!-->wah!
so, what's informing the interpretation? well, maybe the interpretation is correct:
hmmm. let's see. she doesn't look me in the eye, she sounds bored when we talk, and she treats me like crap. hmmm. i guess i shouldn't waste any more time trying to make that friendship work.
or, maybe the interpretation is incorrect:
well, she's never cancelled lunch before. she's done nothing to make me think she isn't a good friend. maybe something important came up. i hope everything's okay.
if we decide the interpretation is incorrect, we can try to figure out why that is:
hmmm. i wonder why i assume that other people think i'm boring? could it be that it's because my daddy didn't pay enough attention to me?
you get the idea. yes?
The process Pg described above is what helped me to take ownership of my actions and reactions and to heal from a verbal and emotional abusive relationship.
So you sort of have to catch yourself in between the cause and the effect to change the effect? So would it be safe to say if you've already reached the effect and you analyze why you feel the effect, the next time around the effect won't hurt or hurt less?
Edit: And do it enough times and you'll have slowly developed a thicker skin?
