I can't sleep with my husband!! (RANT)

Arggh!  I am so frustrated right now.  I've been married to a wonderful man for 13 years, but I am finding this past year that I just can't sleep with him any more.  We talk, we have relations, but he sleeps so restlessly and noisily (A big snorer - probably with apnea) that I feel like I just doze all night long.  And he can't just turn off the light and go to sleep - he has to read until he literally falls asleep (which sometimes takes several hours) - and even though he got a little book light, it is hard for me to fall asleep with it.  My best sleep last night was the hour between when he had to get up and I had to get up. 

 I'd actually gone into the guest bedroom to sleep for a month or so, but that "hurts his feelings", and it makes me feel like I'm being a baby about it.  He can't see that I feel like it is selfish of him to deprive me of my sleep so that he has company, and I have a hard time dealing with his co-dependency (he also doesn't like going to the store by himself, etc).

I love him, I don't want to hurt him, I want him to know I love him, but I want some sleep!

YEAH!  I got him to let me make a Dr. Appt. for him to get a sleep test referral!  He kept saying, "If you want me to"  And I kept saying, "Yeah, I really do!"

YAY!  I'm really glad he agreed to it.  I hope it helps you both. 

That's great news.  Let us know how it goes.

That's one sleepy zombie.

Hey Puh - How did the sleep study go?

Hey moonie!

He got a C-PAP machine right away after the sleep study - apparently he needed it badly.  He still doesn't sleep well, a combination of poor sleep habits, dealing with the mask, and he still has a hard time breathing - but he's also gained weight which I think constricts his nasal passages.

I would tell him he either needs to go on sleep meds to stop with the reading for hours or go into another room for his reading so you can sleep a few hours at least - I think its pretty selfish of him to expect you to lose sleep due to his sleep issues.  I don't blame you a bit for going into another room to sleep.

My ex was a night person but he'd stay in the living room until he got tired - I rarely heard him come to bed.  I also had to have it DARK pitch black to sleep - even the little light on his cell phone irritated me sometimes.

You might also try one of those things you put over your eyes to shade them to sleep - I put them on on the weekends when I want to sleep in.

My parents have slept in seperate rooms for probably the last 25 years of their 55 year plus marriage due to my dad's snoring issue.  Funny story one night my mom fell out of bed and called 911 on her cell  to have them call the house to wake my dad up to come get her up - because he slept through her yelling for help.  I remember my room being upstairs from their and his snoring would even keep me awake sometimes!

I have read about this and know couples who sleep in separate rooms because one or both is sensitive to noise and movement.

I think though for you there is more going on then just the sleep issue when you stated about him being co dependent and not like to do things on his own. I think that is one of the reasons my parents broke up. My dad was so needy and did not like to be on his own and my mom needed space. I think you really need to tell him how you feel. Have you told him how you feel he is co dependent? Does he have activities he can do on his own? As for the sleep issue I think you need to tell him how you feel he is being selfish. It does not have to be in a mean way but that you need sleep to be healthy and can't get that under the current conditions. It does not mean you don't love him but everyone need space and rest.

HAH!  You will be SO JEALOUS of me then!!!  My husband FINALLY bit the bullet and went to the quack after me b*tching at him for the past 7 out of 10 years about his hideous snoring.  I mean, this man would rattle windows I tell you!!!!!!

Turns out he has had a naturally (not from injury) deviated septum and the turbinots in his nose have become extremely enlarged as a result of over working to inhale enough past the deviation. He's always had trouble with sport past a certain level as his breathing would shut down with his turbinots swelling (they're they bits that trap allergens and stop them getting into our lungs).

So, four days on from surgery (1.5hour and an overnight stay) he is QUIET!!!  Not perfect yet as there is still swelling inside but I can honestly say I have been sleeping all night and no longer wake up feeling exhausted like I've done a whole day AND a whole night in a wind-tunnel.  Sleeping with an express train is so not funny. 

Could it be worth getting this investigated?  Apparently here in NZ it is the most common surgery for men for this reason and hugely successful.  Even if his 'heavy breathing' gets no better than it is now with post surgical swelling, believe me I will be a happy woman.  We were at the point of "I only need another pillow" ... "Yes dear, and is that under your head or ON TOP OF IT WITH AN AWFUL LOT OF DOWNWARD PRESSURE???????????????????????????????????"

I am also hugely sensitive to noise and movement and my husband also quite 'needy' so it made it worse when I wanted to go to the spare room - sometimes he would but we could still hear him (though muffled).  I do like my space, but it was worse when he was snoring.  As for his feelings, I agree, they can be very childish about us being independent, but I think if you get a few good night's sleep under your belt you will feel better about things as you won't be so desperately tired and also won't be blaming him for being the cause (which he is).  I too am a reader and like to read to get to sleep but don't do it for very long - maybe your hubby takes so long to fall asleep because he's over-tired from the rumpty nights or is trying to wait until you go to sleep so he doesn't feel bad about keeping you awake?  he might be trying to help without telling you ...

Hope this helps a bit, perhaps look into surgery.  It's been good here so far and it's only four days after surgery (mind you, night one was when he was still in hospital hahaha).

Brainzzzzzzz!

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Thank you, kathygator, for reminding me to be grateful of what I do have - I forget frequently.

I have spoken with him about the sleep testing, several times, but he is resistant to it - I'm trying to not nag about it or be confrontational.  It does worry me sometimes, especially when I hear a gap in his snores and I think, breathe...breathe...breathe.

And I know I'm hard to get along with as far as sleeping goes - really rather obsessive-compulsive.  I don't like light, I like the covers just so (Opposite of how he likes them, as a matter of fact), and I don't like being breathed on or touched.  He is a cuddler, who abstains for my sake, though we do take time throughout the day for a squeeze.  And we're both obese, so there just isn't a lot of room in a queen bed.

Mostly, though, this really was just a rant to vent frustration over a largely sleepless night.  Don't know why it helps to post a complaint, but it does, especially when I happen to get sympathetic support.  Thanks, guys.

 If it makes you feel better, I'm on the opposite end of this. My husband shakes me about 10 times a night because I'm doing the same. I do suffer from Apnea. I guess it's scary as hell on his end. I joke on snoring, but apnea is no joke. Chances are he's as restless as you are. All day everyday I can't focus because I'm tired. I can sleep HOURS (12 plus) and still not feel rested. I drank energy drinks so I could stay up with the kids until their bed times or so I could do construction on my house. I nap 3/5 days on the couch after I get home from work (I work a 9-5 office job). I've fallen asleep at the wheel... twice. Chances are he's suffering from the same. I'm in the process now of having a strip made for my nose so I can safely do things again. See a doctor. Sleep Apnea is deadly, and not just at night. The last time I fell asleep at the wheel..was...an eye opener. If he gets this fixed, you'll both have good dodos. (French for sleeps :), figured it sounded cute).

You've really only got a few options that you yourself can control.

1) high quality ear plugs

2) sleeping mask

3) tempurpedic style bed that doesn't shift when he does

Aside from that get your own room or make him work on his issues.

My husband has snored since we got married 35 yrs ago. Not real bad, and it's never bothered me. I found it relaxing, well over the years he's gain about 15 lb. (yeah, only 15) and snores alittle louder. I have on the other hand gain 50 lbs and have terrible allergies and get shots every week and take 3 kinds of allergy meds. He complains about my snoring. I have my own room now, we both have queen beds, I can read at night. When we do sleep together it's in his bed, he likes a firm bed and mine is soft. I'm hot (flashes) and he has a quilt on him. After our visits, I go to my room or if I wake up go back to my room or if he shakes me for snoring. I like my own bed, it's comfy. Snuggling is nice, but I do like my sleep. It's not a turning over everytime the other person does. If we had a king bed I think we could sleep together, but don't have room. We use king beds at hotels and are far enough away not to bother each other. sleeping apart doesn't mean there is a problem with your marriage, it just mean you need to sleep.

My Ex was a loud snorer,  and also had vivid dreams and be almost sleep walking.  Finally,  we decided to sleep in separate bedrooms.  We visited each other often, but went to our separate rooms to sleep.  It was actually a thoughtful gesture on his part, as I am a light sleeper.

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Hey moonie!

He got a C-PAP machine right away after the sleep study - apparently he needed it badly.  He still doesn't sleep well, a combination of poor sleep habits, dealing with the mask, and he still has a hard time breathing - but he's also gained weight which I think constricts his nasal passages.

 WOW.

That's American Health Care compared to Canadian. I took the sleep test 3 weeks ago, and the doctor made me an appt (the first avail) in November (1.5 weeks from now) for weight and this.

It took you a total of what, a week? and boom, seen a doc, took the test, got the results.

I am impressed, and so totally jealous.

Original Post by peebeegee:

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Hey moonie!

He got a C-PAP machine right away after the sleep study - apparently he needed it badly.  He still doesn't sleep well, a combination of poor sleep habits, dealing with the mask, and he still has a hard time breathing - but he's also gained weight which I think constricts his nasal passages.

 WOW.

That's American Health Care compared to Canadian. I took the sleep test 3 weeks ago, and the doctor made me an appt (the first avail) in November (1.5 weeks from now) for weight and this.

It took you a total of what, a week? and boom, seen a doc, took the test, got the results.

I am impressed, and so totally jealous.

You'd be less impressed if you knew that if her husband ever loses his health insurance, he's going to have a hell of a time getting new insurance that doesn't cost him an arm and a leg, what with having sleep apnea and all. 

Having experienced both sides of the spectrum of health care, I vastly prefer universal, even if I have to wait a while for tests of non-life threatening problems. At least I was never punished for having asthma in a universal system. 

/rant

@op - if it's just an issue of sound, get really good quality custom-molded earplugs. They cut out all sound.

If it's tossing and turning as well, a tempurpedic bed doesn't transfer energy, so you wouldn't notice if he was tossing and turning either.

Or just pull an I Love Lucy and have separate beds in the same room.

Well, I hope Rux managed to work out the issues sometime between 2009 and today when someone bumped the thread to plug a link to some silly "snoring consumer report" spam site...

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this because I didn't read through the comments, but have you tried wearing earplugs and one of those eye masks? That's what I have to do because my boyfriend is the same way-he either has to watch TV or read until he falls asleep and then he's pretty noisy during the night.

I also agree that he needs to go in for a sleep study, but even if he does have sleep apnea he might need a CPAP machine and I've heard those can be pretty noisy and might disturb your sleep, too.

Zombie rewind!

Every time I get sucked into one of these zombie threads I just want the head of the last person to post.....