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CASUAL SEX--do you do it/have you done it/what do you think of it?


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Sooo...I've had 2 sexual partners. I'm 23. Getting out of a marriage that lasted 2 seconds (erred in my personal judgment of my needs/desires). I have had MANY opportunities to engage in casual sex but never did it. 

As of right now I don't particularly LIKE sex...could it be lack of exposure to different partners? techniques? etc.?

so...your experiences/input would be greatly appreciated. I do have some questions to guide you ;) 

  1. done the casual sex thing? 
  2. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?  
  3. how do you feel about it now? 
  4. are you currently doing it? 
  5. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5. 
  6. how many total partners have you had? 
126 Replies (last)

1. Yes, although I had to become 40 before the occasion finally came along at a time where I could take advantage of it. It was fantastic

2. I wish even more that I had been more sexually active in my twenties. It also gave me an idea who much more enjoyable sex is with a skilled and enthusiastic partner. I also realized that casual sex is enjoyable but a bit like sport whereas making love to someon you really care about goes deeper and is more intimate. Two different things really.

3. I am very happy it happened.

4. Not right this moment but if another opportunity comes along I will. But I am kind of fussy. Not any guy will do :)

5. Anwhere between 2 and 4 depending on my hormones

6. Four

About you not liking sex: It's really not unusual for women to grow a lot older before they learn how they can really enjoy themselves. It is very important that you are comfortable with yourself and within your own skin. Selfconsciousness really is the death of sexual pleasure (the same goes for really thin walls and the inability to let go mentally - which is my biggest problem, I have a really hard time to get my brain to shut up!)

It is also really important that you find out what really turns you on and find a partner who is willing to give it to you. And, yes, what turns you on can vary over your cycle, the seasons, the years.

It really does make a difference if you have sex with someone who has a wider repertoir of techniques and is really keen on turning you on and can actually understand what you really like and act on this knowledge. I spent years with a guy who I told dozends of time what I really like and he always fell right back into the exact same thing he was always doing. Not helpful.

I'd say don't worry too much about the whole thing. Keep exploring while listening to your instincts. If the chemistry is right and the occasion presents itself I'd say go for it and try out some things. As long as you don't feel you are being taken advantage off or exploiuted even boring or bad sex isn't the end of the world and, like Mooni said, at least an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage! (but happy to hear that you're coping well)

  1. done the casual sex thing? Yes, but never with someone I didn't already know fairly well.
  2. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality? I discovered that it's hard to keep things casual when you're getting it on with a best friend. For me, romantic love is mostly just friendship + sex.
  3. how do you feel about it now? Amused. Historically, it's been something I've done when I haven't wanted a long term relationship, but still wanted some...diversion
  4. are you currently doing it? Nope. My last FWB arrangement was in 2006. My FWB and I have been married for over 3 years now, haha.
  5. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5. Varies fairly widely depending on what else is going on in my life.
  6. how many total partners have you had? 4
Original Post by chrissy1988:

Sooo...I've had 2 sexual partners. I'm 23. Getting out of a marriage that lasted 2 seconds (erred in my personal judgment of my needs/desires). I have had MANY opportunities to engage in casual sex but never did it. 

As of right now I don't particularly LIKE sex...could it be lack of exposure to different partners? techniques? etc.?

so...your experiences/input would be greatly appreciated. I do have some questions to guide you ;) 

  1. done the casual sex thing? 
  2. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?  
  3. how do you feel about it now? 
  4. are you currently doing it? 
  5. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5. 
  6. how many total partners have you had? 


1. Yes

2. It made me feel guilty made me realize that in order to have good sex, for me, love has to be there

3. I wouldn't do it again - but living and learning is how we grow

4. No

5. Not sure what you mean - during the casual sex...the idea of it was a 5 the actuality of it was a 1 - with my husband, I would say we are a solid 4

6. 6 

 

Original Post by chrissy1988:

  1. done the casual sex thing?  Yes
  2. 
  3. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?  Broadened it.
  4. how do you feel about it now?  Wish I had done it more often.
  5. are you currently doing it?  Yes.
  6. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5.  4.8
  7. how many total partners have you had?  8...depending on definition.

I wish I had more.  I think there should be a rule that a man shouldn't be able to marry until he's had at least 10 lovers.  I've seen far too many guys get hitched to the first gal they meet that actually wants to touch them.  And they spend the rest of their life wishing they had more partners.  I'd rather have 100 and be pretty sure I'm not missing out on anything.

 

  1. done the casual sex thing?

    Oh yes.

  2. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?

    I'd say that my sexual philosophy affects my casual sex than my casual sex affects my philosophy, personally. As to how it affects my sexuality, well... everyone likes to be reminded that they're still desirable. For women it seems to be sufficient to have the offer, for men it's not real until it's actually happening. It's a feedback loop: if you're sexy, you get sex. When you get sex, you feel sexy. The trick for guys is in doing it well enough so that you get repeat performances and positive reviews when women talk... and women always talk. In startling detail, it turns out. Better give 'em something nice to say.

  3. how do you feel about it now?

    Sure. C'mon over.

  4. are you currently doing it?

    No, you're not here yet. Times-a-wasting!

  5. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5.

    Depends. When I'm overworked and on a ridiculously impossible time scale, 2. If I could have someone come in, take care of me and go away, that'd be absolutely brilliant.

    When I'm not chin-deep in the kim-chee, then something like a... 12. I often see more of my bedroom on vacation than the beach/forest/resort/whatever.

  6. how many total partners have you had?

    Many. Lost track in the 90s. Each one a special snowflake.

    Nah, I'm kidding. Had waaaaaay more fun than problems though.
Original Post by chrissy1988:

  1. done the casual sex thing? 
  2. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?  
  3. how do you feel about it now? 
  4. are you currently doing it? 
  5. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5. 
  6. how many total partners have you had? 

  1. No

2.  Basically reinforced what I already believed - that casual sex isn't my thing, but there's nothing wrong with it in the abstract.

3.  Same as #2.

4.  No

5.  3

6.  1

Original Post by theholla:
  are you currently doing it? Nope. My last FWB arrangement was in 2006. My FWB and I have been married for over 3 years now, haha.

    Me and mine as well.

    Original Post by kikt:

    2. I wish even more that I had been more sexually active in my twenties. It also gave me an idea who much more enjoyable sex is with a skilled and enthusiastic partner. I also realized that casual sex is enjoyable but a bit like sport whereas making love to someon you really care about goes deeper and is more intimate. Two different things really.

    About you not liking sex: It's really not unusual for women to grow a lot older before they learn how they can really enjoy themselves. It is very important that you are comfortable with yourself and within your own skin. Selfconsciousness really is the death of sexual pleasure (the same goes for really thin walls and the inability to let go mentally - which is my biggest problem, I have a really hard time to get my brain to shut up!)

    It is also really important that you find out what really turns you on and find a partner who is willing to give it to you. And, yes, what turns you on can vary over your cycle, the seasons, the years.

    It really does make a difference if you have sex with someone who has a wider repertoir of techniques and is really keen on turning you on and can actually understand what you really like and act on this knowledge. I spent years with a guy who I told dozends of time what I really like and he always fell right back into the exact same thing he was always doing. Not helpful.

    I'd say don't worry too much about the whole thing. Keep exploring while listening to your instincts. If the chemistry is right and the occasion presents itself I'd say go for it and try out some things. As long as you don't feel you are being taken advantage off or exploiuted even boring or bad sex isn't the end of the world and, like Mooni said, at least an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

     Kikt had lots of good things to say and I bolded sections that really resonated with me.

    I'd like to add that women are still being taught to be sexually repressed at the same time that they are being taught to be sex objects of men's desires. I honestly believe this is the reason why so many women don't enjoy sex at first.

    If you don't enjoy sex right now, I'd suggest you get a battery operated device and explore orgasms. I also highly recommend you learn to masturbate yourself to climax. Let the feelings of embarrassment and/or shame come and go. Let your thoughts wander. See what it feels like to bring your mind back to the business at hand (haha that's a good pun). It will help you tremendously.

    By the way, I had 2 wild youths and enjoyed the 2nd wild youth when I was in my early 40's way more than the 1st one. That was mostly because I felt free to explore and had already shed embarrassment and shame.

    Original Post by hatamoto:

     

    how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?

    I'd say that my sexual philosophy affects my casual sex than my casual sex affects my philosophy, personally.

     

    how many total partners have you had?

    Many. Lost track in the 90s. Each one a special snowflake.

    Nah, I'm kidding. Had waaaaaay more fun than problems though.

     I'm posting part of Hata's post as well because they resonated with me. 

    Original Post by moonikins:

    I'd like to add that women are still being taught to be sexually repressed at the same time that they are being taught to be sex objects of men's desires. I honestly believe this is the reason why so many women don't enjoy sex at first.

    I'd also say it's because most women's early experiences are all sorts of suck, and so grow to assume that it'll always be suck.

    Original Post by lbh:

    Original Post by theholla:
      are you currently doing it? Nope. My last FWB arrangement was in 2006. My FWB and I have been married for over 3 years now, haha.

    Me and mine as well.

    Nice! I think it's my ideal relationship progression, actually:

    Friends > FWB > Committed Relationship

    Original Post by hatamoto:

    Original Post by moonikins:

    I'd like to add that women are still being taught to be sexually repressed at the same time that they are being taught to be sex objects of men's desires. I honestly believe this is the reason why so many women don't enjoy sex at first.

    I'd also say it's because most women's early experiences are all sorts of suck, and so grow to assume that it'll always be suck.

    Why do you think this is the case? I definitely hear it from a lot of people, but it's something I never experienced personally. My early experiences were mostly just strange and awkward, but fun.

    Also, kikt's post was fantastic. Being comfortable with yourself is so critical.

    Original Post by hatamoto:

    Original Post by moonikins:

    I'd like to add that women are still being taught to be sexually repressed at the same time that they are being taught to be sex objects of men's desires. I honestly believe this is the reason why so many women don't enjoy sex at first.

    I'd also say it's because most women's early experiences are all sorts of suck, and so grow to assume that it'll always be suck.

     Mine didn't suck. Neither was it great. It wasn't painful. It was kind of embarrassing and awkward, even though I wanted to do it as much as he did. I think getting naked for the first time in front of someone is what leads to the awkwardness and being self-conscious. Especially for girls because there is so much more emphasis on looks for us.

    Also what adds to it is that I don't think anyone actually gets any real instruction on what to do. You heard stories and giggle, but actual instruction on sex is something that still isn't done, especially for girls. Also many girls aren't taught about their anatomy so they don't know about what leads to lubrication and how to increase desire by clitoral stimulation.

    Thanks for the praise, guys. Embarassed

    I think there is far to much pressure on young teens to have intercourse (as opposed to just fooling around) when at least the girls are far from a point where they can really enjoy themselves. From what I heard over the years most women are in their early twenties by the time they have their first orgasm (and that one often by themselves) and I wonder if our bodies are really quite ready at 15 (plus/minus 3 years)?

    And so much of our image of sex is dominated by the media - as if only beautiful people and/or young peole could have sex and enjoy it.

    And then there is this whole shame, religion thing thing going on on top, not to mention std and pregnancy scares.

    Really, it shouldn't be this complicated. But unfortunatly it is. :-/

    Original Post by theholla:

    Why do you think this is the case? I definitely hear it from a lot of people, but it's something I never experienced personally. My early experiences were mostly just strange and awkward, but fun.

    There's a serious mismatch in required skillset to please a woman compared to a man. Guys, particularly young ones, can be pretty much taken care of with very little effort. Insert someplace moist, preferably warm, thrust, repeat[*]. Done.

    Women... FAR more difficult. Which means that guys can either end up feeling like they're inadequate and "choke", or they feel like it's not important to please her. Neither is particularly good for the girl in that situation.

    [*] Name that movie!

    Original Post by hatamoto:

    Original Post by theholla:

    Why do you think this is the case? I definitely hear it from a lot of people, but it's something I never experienced personally. My early experiences were mostly just strange and awkward, but fun.

    There's a serious mismatch in required skillset to please a woman compared to a man. Guys, particularly young ones, can be pretty much taken care of with very little effort. Insert someplace moist, preferably warm, thrust, repeat[*]. Done.

    Women... FAR more difficult. Which means that guys can either end up feeling like they're inadequate and "choke", or they feel like it's not important to please her. Neither is particularly good for the girl in that situation.

    [*] Name that movie!

    Also women are taught that having sex outside a relationship is bad.  So we date men that hopefully we like wanting to be in a relationship and have no idea if we're sexually compatible or we fall for the idea of a relationship when there isn't really one and then feel used for sex.

    At 18 I had no clue, I just happened to get lucky with my first bf.  In my 20s I still felt that I had to be in a relationship to have sex and once I was in a relationship I would put up with bad or no sex because I was in a relationship.  Sheer idiocy in retrospect.

    Once I realized that I was really the one in charge of my body and my life it made a huge difference.  I don't ever have to have sex if I don't want to and if I do want to and there's a willing guy then it's a possibility.  It doesn't have to be a relationship or lead to a relationship if it's not what either of us wants...for this it's probably better if your partner is geographically challenged as obviously there is not future possible without a ton of work from both parties.  Depending on my wants and needs I may or may not take someone up on an offer of their wants/needs.

    I highly recommend picking up a vibrator...in fact I think I have a couple spares as gifts for girlfriends that tell me they have never had an orgasm.  Self pleasure is always on your terms...you can stop or resume anytime that you want to.

    Original Post by smw: Also women are taught that having sex outside a relationship is badSo we date men that hopefully we like wanting to be in a relationship and have no idea if we're sexually compatible or we fall for the idea of a relationship when there isn't really one and then feel used for sex.

    At 18 I had no clue, I just happened to get lucky with my first bf.  In my 20s I still felt that I had to be in a relationship to have sex and once I was in a relationship I would put up with bad or no sex because I was in a relationship.  Sheer idiocy in retrospect.

    Once I realized that I was really the one in charge of my body and my life it made a huge difference.  I don't ever have to have sex if I don't want to and if I do want to and there's a willing guy then it's a possibility.  It doesn't have to be a relationship or lead to a relationship if it's not what either of us wants...for this it's probably better if your partner is geographically challenged as obviously there is not future possible without a ton of work from both parties.  Depending on my wants and needs I may or may not take someone up on an offer of their wants/needs.

    I highly recommend picking up a vibrator...in fact I think I have a couple spares as gifts for girlfriends that tell me they have never had an orgasm.  Self pleasure is always on your terms...you can stop or resume anytime that you want to.

     Thanks SMW. I think this information is important for young women to hear.

    1. done the casual sex thing?  Yup. Actually evolved into my first relationship.
    2. how did it affect your sexual philosophy/sexuality?  It didn't. I knew it wasn't my style, but I wanted to do it, just for the experience of it.
    3. how do you feel about it now? Fine. A small footnote in the story so far. By far I preffer when feelings are involved.
    4. are you currently doing it? Nope. In a relationship.
    5. rate your sexual desire on a scale of 1-5. 5. I always wonder if everyone else is also streaming random fantasies in their mind throughout the day.
    6. how many total partners have you had? 3. I don't glorify low numbers or anything like that. Had I stopped at 2 (it almost evolved into a marriage) I would have never realised it wasn't very good. I had thought there was something wrong with me. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with either parties, no matter how hard they try, they're just not compatible. Or worse, I would have thought that was as good as it gets.

    The more interesting question is, "How many of the experiences that you had regretted it themselves?"

    I'm bettin based on this feedback, those guys you regret bangin probably look at the experience positively (in most cases) and the gals that us guys were with probably look at it negatively.  Generally speaking.

    I'm too embarrassed to order a vibrator. :(

    Even if it's hidden!

    I almost died when I ordered lube. D:

    Plus, I want a vibrator that isn't gross looking (too mechanical and it just turns me right off), but I don't want it to look like a penis (fake penises turn me off). I can't do insertion (I'm broken, I've given up on this), so I want something thin... so I could still try if I really felt like torturing myself, I could.

    Blah.

    I actually just hate my vagina.

    Orgasms cause me so much pain. Yes, pain. It hurts. I get the good stuff IMMEDIATELY followed by the worst cramps of my life. Every. Single. Time.

    I actually prefer to not orgasm.

    So sad.

    126 Replies (last)
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