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Stepson was TOLD he couldn't have ANYONE in the house because there have been things missing in the house, one thing being a precious diamond my Mom gave to me when I turned 16. His friends are losers on drugs and have bad reps with the police.

Now I know what he wants from girls. He wants "to just have a good time and get some action". He has expressed that he doesn't want any relationships. I don't care to meet these "new girlfriends" because he will probably go through a hundred of them by the time he's 18 next year.

So here's the thing. Stepson brought another new girl to meet us. She loudly walked out the front door after "nice meeting you". Stepson went with her.

What they did was sneak around to the back entrance of the house and went into his bedroom. I went down to use the bathroom and get a laundry basket. His light was off and I figured they were gone by then so I opened the door and saw stepson's bare ass on top of her. Boy they were going at it. My first response was "WTF!!!". He of course came off like it was MY fault. Sorry but he shouldn't have had her in the house at ALL. I refuse him using his bedroom as a slut chamber.

I can't wait for the day he leaves the house.

Oh, and father refused to get involved. I am pissed. Maybe he's proud to have a son who's Manly! He should have backed me up. (Don't get me wrong-Dad is a warm wonderful man, buy why not come down on the girls, too, like he does stepson's buddies? Is this a man thing?? Am I missing something? What would you have done? Oh, by the way, I AM the one who ended up apoligizing to stepson for not knocking on the door.

Go figure...

 

 

 

39 Replies (last)

Rule #1 of a strong marriage:

Even if you think or know they're wrong, take your spouse's side.

 

Rule #2 of a strong marriage:

When you get home (alone) tell them to not be such an idiot next time, because it puts you in a bad situation.

 

Long story short, he should have backed you up and if he disagreed, talked with you about how you guys want to handle similar problems going forward.

Lock up your valuables and let your man deal with his son. The thing to avoid is letting the little tyke anger you - he's not your problem to solve.

Original Post by kathygator:

Lock up your valuables and let your man deal with his son. The thing to avoid is letting the little tyke anger you - he's not your problem to solve.

Um, what? Since when is it the father's responsibility to discipline the kids? It should be a combined effort, from both parents, to discipline a child and enforce rules. And yes, he is her problem because he is still a minor.

mypuppymylife I think you need to have a talk with your husband in that your son is not respecting you as parents or the house, and that you need help. I think you two should come to an agreement on some rules, and then present them to your son. Tell him if he breaks those rules, there will be consequences (taking away his car, grounded, doing chores... Think of what he likes, and take it away from him! :D)

I don't think that it is acceptable that your son is disrespecting you when you provide for him financially and he lives in your home. I also find it unacceptable that your husband is not taking his part of the responsibility as a father to help you discipline him. Please keep us updated! :)

It's her stepson and therefore a trickier situation.

It's her stepson  - and he obviously doesn't respect the fact that she's a viable part of the parental team. Her husband is not being supportive of their parenting responsibilites, so the OP, IMO, doesn't have much choice in the situation.

She can either be angry or choose to let them work it out, either way, her responsibility ends when the father chooses not to support her.

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I think I would talk with your husband (since it is his son) that his kid definitely needs to know about protection/STD's otherwise, he may end up with a grandkid or worse.  I would also lock up my stuff and let my husband know that i will no longer go into the kid's bedroom for any reason.  At this point unless his father deals with it and/or backs you, I'm not sure you can do much of anything.

Exactly Ak. :)

Alternatively they could just start doing it around the house during the day, such that he'd always be afraid to bring someone home. ;)

Heh. We'd have done that first and avoided any silliness at all. :) Freaky-ness skips generations.

If the house is in both your husband and your name, it IS technically your house.  Therefore, you can't so much punish your stepson, but you can establish a house rule for the home, which could be none of his friends or girlfriends in the house.  You could also call the girls' parents and once that happens, word may get around his school and he won't be bringing girls home anymore.

It's your husband's responsibility to discipline his child.  If he can't do that, you could talk to your husband and tell him how important it is to you and your marriage that he disciplines his child properly.  Until then, take care of your stuff.  You can buy a safe at an office supply store or probably even Wal Mart or Target for less than $50 (I have one), and they are great.  You could also buy a new doorknob for your bedroom door and make it so that you need a key to unlock it.  Keep a key on you at all times and maybe keep one in your glove compartment in your car for if you happen to lose the one you keep on you.

I was a bad kid myself and I didn't listen to ANY discipline until it got serious.  You have to have that talk with your husband and tell him that your marriage is going to lose its strength if he continues to let his child treat you so poorly.

OP's first sentence indicates that rule was already in place.

Thanks for responding! This house has no walls or privacy. I can't lock up our room. We even caught him in the act going through MY stuff in our bedroom. I have most valuables in a locked suitcase.

See, he's a pothead. Right off the top of his paycheck, $40 goes for a bag of weed every week. Then he claims to "fill his truck for $50 each week". Then he'll turn around and whine to DAD that he has no money to get to school. Well, he HAS to get to school and work, so he will obviously get the money he wants. I think he has the inability to do anything right. Everything is half-assed when he DOES do anything around here, which is rarely. He is supposed to be using $20 of his check for school lunch (he comes home starving sometimes), instead of paying 10% of his check for rent and put away $50 for auto costs. That will usually leave him about $50-$100 per week. Dad doesn't say anything about the pot smoking because he's not doing hard drugs, drinking or smoking butts. Besides, he is going to do it anyway he says. (I say YET about the hard drugs, if not already). As for school? I guess I don't have to explain that he's doing just terrible.

Oh, someone made a comment about ss being in the house during the day...No WAY-I don't even like ss being there alone when we're out. I caught them downstairs around 10 PM. He's into the whole porn thing so their new computer is filled with it. I know he's had friends over here while we were gone before, so apparently they make a session of it.

Someone mentioned something about sex and STD's. Dad bought him condoms the last I knew because he didn't want to be embarrassed in the drug store..I didn't mind because the last thing I want to be doing is supporting a baby. Uh-Uh!!!!

muttlover-ss never gets anything taken away. Dad feels guilty because when ss was little, he put himself through school to be an electrician and didn't have much time with him. So he'd rather not torture him again. (Plus ss is a LOT bigger than Dad is.) He really is a good Dad and loving husband. Maybe I resent ss because I never had my own children?

Or maybe it's the fact that ss MAY NOT be the son of Dad. He doesn't care either way. (His Mom passed in 2003 to cancer, but she was a druggie with AIDS and I believe a little promiscuous, especially for the drugs.) Ss doesn't look AT ALL like Dad. But Dad stayed with biological mom because he didn't want his son raised by her.

His face turns red as a beet when he's angry. He put his fist through my laptop one day. Dad had to literally pull him off me. He was also suspended for "intimidating a teacher" who happened to be a female. I KNOW he has no respect for me.

One more thing. Stepson had a hair across his butt yesterday and the subject of family came up. He made the comment, "You're not part of this family-you're nobody." It's not as bad as the time he called me a **** after everything I have done for him to try to get along with him, because we live in the same house.

It's so good to get these thoughts I am having about my ss out there because I can see it isn't my fault. I am going through hell with this kid..

 

 

Original Post by kathygator:

It's her stepson  - and he obviously doesn't respect the fact that she's a viable part of the parental team. Her husband is not being supportive of their parenting responsibilities, so the OP, IMO, doesn't have much choice in the situation.

She can either be angry or choose to let them work it out, either way, her responsibility ends when the father chooses not to support her.

Exactly. I agree, Kathy.

Bright side: Kids grow up! That will probably make sparks fly in his brain,Lol. It should give him some incentive to leave the nest,imo. Hopefully...He'll want to be King of his own castle asap now. The whole incident may give a reason to strive to move out!

 

Original Post by katesorad:

 You can buy a safe at an office supply store or probably even Wal Mart or Target for less than $50 (I have one), and they are great. 

 i think this is a great suggestion to at least protect your belongings while dealing with this jerk!

That really is too bad that he is such a jerk. I agree that it is his dad that needs to take charge, establish some order. He is not really teaching SS or you to resepct his authority/rules at all. In a way, he has given leadership to SS, cause he does what he wants and obviously doesn't fear consequences. Some  parents feel guilt when kids have a hard beginning, and allow that to make them ineffective discipliners, but it does the kid no good really. It sucks cause there is only so much you can do. If you get over involved in thier dynamics, SS will resent you and probably be even more blatantly disrespectful.

You are good people, and you don't deserve it. The best you can probably do is talk to your husband some more about how you feel and hope he sees that he needs to step it up. And count down the days till he leaves Smile.

My 2cents:

 The stepparent's place isn't always actively initiating direct discipline. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers the initial consequences for misbehavior... It's important that the stepparent be active in support of that decision. Extreme care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepparent is given. A stepmother is not simply one's husband's wife. She is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home. That doesn't mean that her say goes against the biological parent.

Every situation/family is different due to circumstances. That's fact. However: It is my general understanding/belief that unless.... Unless you as a step-mom/dad are added to the family when the children are/were very young... It will most likely be difficult for you to discipline your spouses children. Trying to discipline your non-biological children is like skating on thin ice. It's easy to create resentment on the part of your spouse. The fact that he's pulling the " I'm the Dad " card matters. He's entitled to pull that card rightfully,imo. The OP should respect that card. However: You shouldn't allow yourself to be disrespected. Talk to your hubby because he's disrespecting you by allowing it.  He should stand up for you in that regard. Or: You will never be respected by his son.

 While I don't believe it's likely a workable situation for a stepparent to be a direct disciplinarian. I do believe it's extremely important that the stepparent be an active supporter of the biological parent's disciplinary efforts. Both biological parents and stepparents should discuss the rules of the house. That way they have already established what standards of which the children will be held accountable. That's when they negotiate an agreement for the ' said standards.' Anytime: The " I'm the Dad " card is pulled... That means you're opening yourself up to be resented by the biological parent.

 

It's important to appear united and discuss things in private.

 

btw: My mother divorced her first husband for this reason. He had two teenage boys that ran over her. They disrespected her (cursed her/etc), tried to be aggressive physically with her ( break her things when angry,etc), and stole her jewelry.( To give to their gf's and/or buy drugs.) It was impossible to leave her purse around the house without fear. She had to keep everything locked away and walk on eggshells to keep peace. The last straw was when they tried to peek in on her in the shower. He was a wonderful husband,but wouldn't stand up to his boys.

A TEENAGER'S POINT OF VIEW:

Many teenagers have had sex. They've done so for decades. It's an animalistic desire that kicks in around puberty, the same desire that both you and I have. It doesn't mean he's a womanizer, necessarily. I understand you feeling like he is doing something wrong, and betraying you by not allowing anyone in the house, but as long as he's practicing safe sex, don't worry about it. He's not doing anything illegal.

Also, by calling your stepson a loser, I feel that you need to get your priorities in line. You're his parent by marriage. Respect him, and he'll respect you. It seems like your husband understands that it is no big deal. No parent should ever call his or her child a loser, and no offense, but I feel from reading your post you're being a terrible parent. I know as a teenager myself, that if I feel antagonized by my parents, I'm more likely to rebel. As you said, he's nearly 18, almost an adult. You need to start letting him make his own decisions.

Imagine your stepson walking in on you and your husband. Would you not be angry at him? I'm sure you would.

Having been in a situation w/ stepchildren, I feel for you.  It is a very difficult thing and even MORE difficult when your spouse doesnt back you up. 

My advice to you would be to sit the man down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you have to be a team.  Otherwise, you may as well start drinking or something to soothe your soul. 

Good luck, it is a tough road to hoe.

"Many teenagers have had sex. They've done so for decades. It's an animalistic desire that kicks in around puberty, the same desire that both you and I have."

Ya know what xx? That's about all I agree with. He IS a womanizer, he wouldn't give a chance to a fat or even slightly overweight girl-they have to be gorgeous and thin. He STATES that he's using them for sex and doesn't give rat's butt about their feelings. So yes he is. And he was TOLD NOT to have his friends in his room-male OR female. Period. That was an established rule because my husband is a gun collector. Around here people get high on guns and love to steal them and sell them, especially young boys.

He makes fun of mentally retarded people despite the fact that his own 20 year old half sister is wheelchair bound and can't talk or understand due to a car accident when she was 8. Yet, he gets irate when I remind him of this. That's when the fight started.

I understand that you're trying to making a statement to me as a teenager and I respect that of you. Don't get me wrong...

But...a terrible parent? You don't know me. I have bent over backward for this kid. He has manipulated me into giving him money and I've heard all too many times, "You're not my mother!" What the hell do I say to that? I never claimed to be! We've even had long talks about the death of his mother. He calls me Linda and I call him by his first name.

About letting him make his own decisions? He's is not capable of making good decisions for his own benefit. Last week he allowed two of his buddies to hide stolen guns in the barn of our backyard. Nice Mr. Police Officer showed up and we were subject to having our yard along with two barns searched.

Until I can see that he gets his priorities straight, then he can make his own decisions. You may be different. But this isn't about you. It's not the norm in a mixed family situation. It's a little bit more extreme than that.

Stepson walking in on us? There are no walls or rooms in this unfinished house. And his room happens to be right below us, so I am used to having to listen to him hear us. He went against the rules as far as I am concerned. And no, he has no business in our room whatsoever.

Original Post by xxheysarah:

A TEENAGER'S POINT OF VIEW:

Many teenagers have had sex. They've done so for decades. It's an animalistic desire that kicks in around puberty, the same desire that both you and I have. It doesn't mean he's a womanizer, necessarily. I understand you feeling like he is doing something wrong, and betraying you by not allowing anyone in the house, but as long as he's practicing safe sex, don't worry about it. He's not doing anything illegal.

Also, by calling your stepson a loser, I feel that you need to get your priorities in line. You're his parent by marriage. Respect him, and he'll respect you. It seems like your husband understands that it is no big deal. No parent should ever call his or her child a loser, and no offense, but I feel from reading your post you're being a terrible parent. I know as a teenager myself, that if I feel antagonized by my parents, I'm more likely to rebel. As you said, he's nearly 18, almost an adult. You need to start letting him make his own decisions.

Imagine your stepson walking in on you and your husband. Would you not be angry at him? I'm sure you would.

 I don't think sex is really the big issue here. Yes, it probably was more than unpleasant to walk in on that...but he knew he wasn't supposed to be doing it in their home, and got defensive and rude because he got busted. 

I don't buy the fact that if she would just let him have sex in her home, everything would be OK. I couldn't have sex in my parents home when I was a teen. Did I think it was unfair? Sure. Did I think my parents were out of touch old folks? Yep. Was I annoyed? Of course. But, did I cuss them out, steal from them, and constantly break rules? No.

The issue is that it is HER home. She makes the rules. I'm sure she is angry and frustrated over the situation; not to mention her husband not taking her side. But, that does not make her a "terrible parent".

Mypuppy, the only advice I really have for you is to sit down and talk(calmly) with your husband. Tell him you know he loves his son and feels guilty for things in the past. Explain you care for your stepson too but his treatment towards you is uneacceptable. You need to feel respected by both him and your SS, and you need him to be on your side.

Good Luck!

 

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