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Coping with a cheating boyfriend.


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I am a 33 year old first time mother of a handsome 13 month old.  I was married before and was in a 10 year relationship/marriage with my ex husband.  I was pregnant right before our wedding but had a miscarriage and during the remainder of our relationship I was not able to get pregnant again.  I figured it was just not meant for me.  We seperated for the last time in 2009.  Our 10 year relationship was good and very bad.  He cheated a lot and the final straw was after the last attempt another women came forward with yet another of his kids.  Of course me not being able to even get pregnant, this was more than I caould handle.  I reunited with my ex boy friend from high school who is 34 years old I hadn't seen in 15 years.  Things were great it was nice to see him and he was totally different from my ex husband, so I thought.  He liked to be home, not out in the clubs, valued family and kids.  Only thing I didn't like he likes to get high, let me rephrase that must get high in order to function.  I really didn't think I would see myself in a long term relationship with him but what pulled me in I guess was the fantasy of actually being with a man who didn't want to be out clubbing, partying, and cheating.  I figured I could overlook his one flaw.  6 months later I became pregnant!!! I was overjoyed he was schocked but none the less seemed happy.  When I was about 5 months pregnant I really started to notice the problem he had with marijuana.  I began to notice how he was in a bad mood if he hadn't smoked, he was very irritable without it .  If I asked any type of question I got a one word answer or got ingnored all together I would ask the question again and would get I heard you.  Once he smoked it was like nothing had ever happened and he would be as nice as can be.  This is still going on till this day.  About 3 months after I had our son I suspected he cheated.  He was working with his dad and would make trips while at work to go pick up a "Sack" from numerous different dealers even some girls.  I quickly noticed too how every job he has he comes friends with females quicker then males.  Especially females who "smoke."  To me it seems also he has a poor judgment in friends, mostly people who smoke all day work at fast food restaurants.  He has a hard time finding work since he has a felony for suspended license in Florida so he had to take a job at McDonald's this past May.  Again quickly he became friends with "smokers" partricualary one girl.  I suspected he denied, finally in September he was busted and it came out while I was at work during the day, he worked at night at McDonald's, he was picking this girl up while he had our son , in our car or my moms, and taking her to the house and having sex with her.  I'm a very smart women, college degree a great job i've been at for 9 1/2 years and I can't help but wonder, even especially since I am seeing this in writing now, what am I doing here!?  I've told him I forgive him for what he did but he hadn't stopped talking to her I would see it in our call records and that is what was pushing me too far was that he kept on talking to her.  At first I wanted him to stay cause I love him and I would feel so bad for my son without me and his dad being in the same house daily.  My son LOVES his dad so much!  Now my feelings are more towards I deserve more I can do this and my son will be okay but I'm such a big advocate on kids having both parents growing up.  Anyone can offer some support or words of support.  My doctor has started to prescribe anxiety medication as my anxiety is sky high now.  Help! 

17 Replies (last)

You're son is very young. He will adjust to whatever is presented to him as your particular family arrangement.

You need to end this destructive relationship! You are an intelligent, gainfully employed woman who can support herself and your son, without the pot smoking, cheating, ex-con burger flipper. Does that sound harsh? Good! I meant for it to!

You, and your son, deserve better than this. You are capable of more!! I don't usually advocate leaving, however, I think it is an option you need to explore more in-depth. Especially if he doesn't see his problem as a problem. He is not likely to make any changes unless and until this happens.

Many prayers, and best of luck...

Just dump the jerk.

Interesting first post on your first day of a member of the site, too.

The common denominator is you.  Take a look inside, figure out what it is.  You said it yourself, you are smart and have a lot to offer.  Find out why you don't think you deserve the same!  I know it's easier said then done.  You and your baby will be much better off if you are happy.  Growing up with a pot smoking dad who is cheating on mommy is far worse in my opinion.

I'd also like to add, he isn't going to change.  I promise you that.

I'm not sure what it is you hope to hear from people...You already know what you should do.

Original Post by aramos213:

I've told him I forgive him for what he did but he hadn't stopped talking to her I would see it in our call records and that is what was pushing me too far was that he kept on talking to her.  

When you forgave him, did he make any promises to you to stop?  Has he given any indications that he has any regard for you, your son, or any understanding of what you expect in the relationship?   I'll suggest couples counseling, but noting that if only one person is interested in improving the relationship, it won't work.

It appears you have strong feelings about a child's parents staying together, but I'll caution you by saying that it's possible to damage a child more by remaining in a disfunctional relationship - one, it appears, could send a message about male behavior that I assume you don't want your son to emulate.

It is very destructive you are right.  I know I deserve better I know I do I just for some reason can't see past my son being without us in the same house together.  But I know what you mean and I know what needs to be done.  This man has been at his lowest before.  From the stories he tells me of his past in positions where he was basically living in his car.  So to be honest I don't tink he will make any changes in his life.  I've given him all opportunities to do so and he doesn't.  Thank you so much for your prayers!

Original Post by dnrothx:

Just dump the jerk.

Interesting first post on your first day of a member of the site, too.


I didn't mean for this to be my first post on this site.  I needed a site to help me with couting calories and it asked me what forums I would like to join.  I saw this forum and with so much going on in my life I thought it would be a good healthy outlet for me since there isn't really anyone I can talk to about it.

Original Post by santonacci:

Original Post by aramos213:

I've told him I forgive him for what he did but he hadn't stopped talking to her I would see it in our call records and that is what was pushing me too far was that he kept on talking to her.  

When you forgave him, did he make any promises to you to stop?  Has he given any indications that he has any regard for you, your son, or any understanding of what you expect in the relationship?   I'll suggest couples counseling, but noting that if only one person is interested in improving the relationship, it won't work.

It appears you have strong feelings about a child's parents staying together, but I'll caution you by saying that it's possible to damage a child more by remaining in a disfunctional relationship - one, it appears, could send a message about male behavior that I assume you don't want your son to emulate.

He did intially say he would end it but they kept calling and keeping in contact.  It was driving me insane that he would continue to talk to her.  He did see the consequence that would happen because of course my inital reaction was get out!  However days went by I cooled off and I thought about my son.  It broke my heart and still does.  To him I think he views the problems as it's life and it's just things we overcome.......he quoted that once so that is why I say I'm sure that is how he views it.  I'm not really I guess looking for answers I'm just looking for support.  This is such a HARD time in my life right now and with no one really to support  me or let me know they are there for me just to even talk makes things harder and makes me feel alone in all this.

Do you want to be THIS kind of example to your kid? A person who lets people take advantage of her? OR do you think it's better to set a standard for any relationship, that if broken, means all bets are off. That you will not tolerate being cheated on, being treated badly, ignored etc.

Original Post by aramos213:

It is very destructive you are right.  I know I deserve better I know I do I just for some reason can't see past my son being without us in the same house together.  But I know what you mean and I know what needs to be done.  This man has been at his lowest before.  From the stories he tells me of his past in positions where he was basically living in his car.  So to be honest I don't tink he will make any changes in his life.  I've given him all opportunities to do so and he doesn't.  Thank you so much for your prayers!

You honestly think that being in the same house with both of you could be just be beneficial enough in itself to compensate for the behaviors your boyfriend is potentially teaching your child?  I think a nice "pros and cons" list would serve you well.

Children don't benefit from just having any random people in their lives.  They benefit from having good role models, consistent, reliable and healthy parental figures and nurturing, supportive relationships with the people in their lives.  I feel that it will be more harmful to your son for you to hang on to this toxic, dysfunctional relaitonship for as long as you can rather than to end the relationship and get some distance, establish boundaries.

Trying really hard not to project....grrr

Original Post by aramos213:

This is such a HARD time in my life right now and with no one really to support  me or let me know they are there for me just to even talk makes things harder and makes me feel alone in all this.

I understand it's a hard time in your life, and it must seem so much darker if you feel you don't have anyone to talk to.  You'll find a lot of great support here on CC, aramos, but I highly recommend that you find someone in person to talk to.

And I'm not just referring to professional help (which I do think could help you if you have the access), but other women you can confide in.  Try looking around in your area for working mother groups, or any number of charities that you can get involved in.  Being in contact with other people, not feeling so isolated will empower you more than you know.  The more you box yourself into only being about this one relationship, the more power it has over you.

Did your doctor make any effort to get you help about the source of your anxiety before he wrote you a prescription?

Original Post by nicepumpkins:
Children don't benefit from just having any random people in their lives.  They benefit from having good role models, consistent, reliable and healthy parental figures and nurturing, supportive relationships with the people in their lives.  I feel that it will be more harmful to your son for you to hang on to this toxic, dysfunctional relaitonship for as long as you can rather than to end the relationship and get some distance, establish boundaries.

 

I find myself agreeing with Pumpkins way too much lately... But yeah. This.

 

Plus, if he really cares about that kid, he'll continue being a good father to him nonetheless. If not, he shouldn't be around your son to start with.

That man has a drug problem he doesn't want to solve. And not only he's been cheating on you, he didn't even break the contact with her after you forgave him (so he obviously takes you for granted and couldn't care less about your feelings). Besides, you're a college graduate with a good job and he's an ex-felon who works for a low salary... He's only taking advantage of you.

Kick him out. You don't need him. Your son shouldn't witness all that either.

leave him. youre still young and so is your child. i think you know you need to start over and rebuild a better life for yourself and start bringing up your child with positive role models. this guy is 34, hes not going to change. ever.

You don't "cope" with a cheating, pothead, loser, deadbeat boyfriend.

 

You dump him like an old soda can and move on.

 

You can do it.

 

#16  
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Original Post by imayoyodieter_nomore:

The common denominator is you.  Take a look inside, figure out what it is.  You said it yourself, you are smart and have a lot to offer.  Find out why you don't think you deserve the same!  I know it's easier said then done.  You and your baby will be much better off if you are happy.  Growing up with a pot smoking dad who is cheating on mommy is far worse in my opinion.

You need to think about what is best for your child and for you.   Don't be afraid, you can stand alone and believe me there are lots worse things.  Your child will love a responsible person who will be good for both of you.

 

You know intellectually what you need to do.  And don't wait for a good time--there is never a good time.  But now is the right time.

 

This one here is perfect for my reply.  This may help you.  I grew up with a father like your child's, minus the cheating.  He had the constant need to be high and if he couldn't/wasn't, he was so crabby and mean to everyone around.  He had no problems doing it while we were in the vehicle or in the house at the same time.  When I was 10 I figured out what he was doing and I made it known to him in a less obvious way.  I was in DARE class and told him that I learned that day what plants looked like.  At that point he quit doing it in front of us kids.  I started to HATE my dad at 12.  We got in huge fights all the time and I would beg my mom to leave him.  I spent a lot of time with my aunt and her family just to be away from him.  He would scream at me and call me horrid names all the time.  I used to lay on the floor in my room crying so hard that I couldn't breathe because of how he treated me.  I am now 26 and still cannot stand him.  My parents are still together.  I would suggest that you look at your child's life in the long run.  I know that if my mom could she would have done things differently.  It kills her when I tell her that I do not want my dad to walk me down the isle at my wedding some day, even though I know it would kill my dad to hear that.  But it's payback for all the **** he put me through.  Don't put your child through that!!!  They will grow up resenting you for this man and will always have this in the back of their mind.  Could possibly affect their future relationships with other men/women.  There are no pros to staying with a convicted felon who can't do any better than McDonalds.  They never change!!!!!!!  Please do your child and yourself a favor and start a new life else where.  I wish my mom would have.  

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