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Keeping eye contact isn't easy, so you are doing GREAT! As a corporate recruiter I have to look people directly in the eye and let them know bad news, ask difficult questions and the worst-look interested when someone is really a talker. Honestly, it's easier for me to keep eye contact with someone who has a higher station than me so to speak. When someone is looking at me like "oh god don't let her yell at me" or "ugh, what horrible thing is she gonna ask me now" it's painful!
All I can say is everyone is a vulnerable person inside, and they are only human. Remember that when you're speaking to them-they aren't any more special than you are!
I can't really help with the eye contact thing...
I'm fairly good at giving/keeping eye contact, but I also have noticed my head starts doing this weird shake thing!
I mainly wanted to comment to tell you it's a good idea to mention the summer month anxiety thing to your therapist.
I've noticed if I'm on vacation during the summer or even if I'm at the beach for a long time I tend to get a depressed feeling, like a weight on my chest. The therapist told me it may be because I love the beach so much I'm sad about leaving. I don't know how true it is...but I found it interesting.
Definitely mention any patterns you notice with your anxiety to your therapist! It will help them help you!
Congratulations on all the progress you have made. I know how hard it must have been. I have been through it in the past as well...for some reason I still have a hard time going to Target unless someone is with me. Weird, I know.
I have to work with people all day long. Eye contact does not have to be constant. As long as you periodically make eye contact it will seem normal. Also, I don't think much of it when a person doesn't make eye contact with me. In some instances it is a cultural thing.
I wish I could learn to be comfortable shaking hands. :(
Some people feel that others can see through them with eye contact and the anxiety swells. Common sayings such as "I can see it in his/her eyes" re-enforce this myth. The truth is that, while your demeanor may reveal how you feel, your eyes alone don't say jack.
So keep your eye contact and rest in comfort that your eyes won't betray you and tell people your secrets.
Well, I'm a definite eye-contacter. Perhaps to an extreme.
Not to always be that person to talk about her dogs all the time, but I think there is a lot that can be learned from dogs w/r/t eye contact. It's an aggressive behavior. The dog that is staring at the other dog is claiming rank. If the staring dog is mistaken about its authority, it'll probably be confronted and put in its place. If the other dog is convinced, it'll look down and avoid eye contact.
So, there is some signalling of power in eye contact. I think humans are the same.
What I wouldn't do is force eye contact. As your confidence increases, it'll come naturally. Just my $.02.
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Original Post by cptbunny:
Anxiety question: You know that seasonal disorder (also labeled SAD), where people get depressed during the winter? Could it be possible to have something that happens similarly in the summer? I don't get depressed, but I have god awful anxiety every single summer from June to August with zero explanation (I will bring this up with therapist as I only just noticed - my husband pointed it out). I am a wreck currently, I keep thinking I'm gonna die, gonna have a stroke/heart attack etc. I could just be watching a tv show (new girl, girls on HBO, true blood, game of thrones, etc) and it would just happen, out of no where. Feels like a black cloud is in my chest or above my head... just looming fear of death. It's AWFUL. Only happens from June-August otherwise I am anxiety free (finally). Any ideas?
I don't have an answer to your first question (I rarely make eye contact, but that's just because I have a habit to look at people's mouths while they talk), since my social anxiety manifests itself in different ways.
However, as for this one, I believe it's possible. My anxiety gets way worse during summer as well. I get way more panic attacks and, unless I'm traveling (which really tends to help me), I spend most of it locked in my apartment, because I don't feel or act like a functional human being. I hope your therapist has an answer to this.
As for bragging about the lamest of things... You have a problem and you're doing your best (AND succeeding) to overcome it. There's nothing lame about it. In fact, it's a great thing to pat yourself on the back about. You should be proud of yourself.
Edit: No, I don't get offended, as long as they do show that they're listening to me. Even if I notice it, I just assume that they have a habit similar to mine.
Original Post by cptbunny:
Do you guys think it's weird when someone avoids eye contact with you? Do you get offended?
I fear offending people. Even here on the forums!
If for example one of you were working at a register and I just looked everywhere but at you, even as you hand me my receipt (I look at the receipt/hand) and I just say thank you, you too (usually to their have a nice day) and walk off... is that weird/offensive? Seriously, what do you think of that person? It's ok to be honest! I think people think I am rude and will feel hurt. :(
ETA: I'm a giant people pleaser! I hate it and it's another one of those works in progress. Lys, I am the dog at the park with my tail between my legs. ;P
No, I don't think it's weird at all.
I would not be offended by a lack of eye contact, but I could see how others might be. There is some acknowledgement in it, even if it's very brief.
And I am the dog at the park wagging at everybody. ;)
Original Post by cptbunny:
Do you guys think it's weird when someone avoids eye contact with you? Do you get offended?
To be honest, I do find it a little offensive---when people avoid eye contact when I pass them through the halls or on the street its makes me feel kind of "sad" I guess, not angry or anything. I just want to say hello!
But congrats on your progress :) I think you are doing a lovely job.
Original Post by cptbunny:
Do you guys think it's weird when someone avoids eye contact with you? Do you get offended?
I fear offending people. Even here on the forums!
If for example one of you were working at a register and I just looked everywhere but at you, even as you hand me my receipt (I look at the receipt/hand) and I just say thank you, you too (usually to their have a nice day) and walk off... is that weird/offensive? Seriously, what do you think of that person? It's ok to be honest! I think people think I am rude and will feel hurt. :(
ETA: I'm a giant people pleaser! I hate it and it's another one of those works in progress. Lys, I am the dog at the park with my tail between my legs. ;P
Avoiding eye contact can signal a number of things (in humans):
- that you're lying
- that you're preoccupied with something else
- that you have an anxiety disorder or are painfully shy/self-conscious
- that you really hate the person but need to hide the feeling
I would guess that most people you interact with in a store won't even notice whether or not you make eye contact - because they're thinking about their own person and feelings and life, not about yours.
Can you look at the person's forehead instead of their eyes? Not a prolonged stare or they'll think something weird is stuck on their forehead.
Prolonged eye contact can signal a number of things too (in humans):
- that somebody has a boogy falling out of their nose*
- that you are interested in them sexually
- that you're going to kick their ass
- that you are completely comfortable/familiar with them
The accompanying other facial indicators convey which is which.
But like, a person with Asberger's can't read faces like that. They'll make inappropriate/awkward eye contact and not even realize they're doing it. And they won't necessarily understand your facial expressions either.
Ask your doctor if you could posssibly have a GABA deficiency. Also, if you drink caffeine, caffeine binds to certain receptors in your brain that then prevents an anti-anxiety neurotransmitter from fitting in there - so, blocking your body's calming response. Do you drink any caffeine?
Hope this helps a little. I think you're fabulous. :)
*eta: I misspoke. You'd be staring at the boogy - not in their eyes.
First off, I totally get the car thing.
Secondly, try looking at people's noses. You can avoid the awkward (to you) feeling of looking someone in the eye, but to them it will look like you are. I know it sounds strange, but I think it really helps.
Bunny, why don't try practicing the eye contact in very small doses. When you take the receipt, glance at the cashier's eyes, say thank you, and walk away. It's a split second but it gets you started.
Also, practice with people you trust--your husband, your therapist. Tell them what you're trying to do, then force yourself to do it until you can't stand it--and try to make it fun, at least with your husband.
Can you do it when you're teaching?
The important thing is not to be so hard on yourself and to take baby steps. A great tip is that if you are too afraid to make eye contact just look at their forehead right above their eyes until you get more comfortable with intimate conversation.
As a child, I would avoid eye contact. I knew my Mom's coat and once when I looked up at her in the store, it wasn't her! I was terrified. Someone else had a coat like my Mom. Unfortunately, she was reunited with me and home I went.
This pathological (almost) shyness continued thoroughout school...I would recognize people by their shoes.
How did I cope? I got drunk.
Captainbunny, I am not recommending that avenue. When I sobered up, I could a) face some things that needed fixing about my personality and b)realized I really like people and enjoy "interviewing" them...finding out all about them.
As I progressed in life, I learned to talk to one person at a time, even though surrounded by friends (i.e. I don't look around and see who has just walked in the room and nod hi!). I always feel that by maintaining interested, not staring, eyecontact, I am saying "I like you, I want to hear all about you and things you are proud of about yourself ".
It's been a long process. Sometimes I just want to hide in the corner, but then I think "Oh, I've got to go ask so & so how they are recuperating...etc."
I am gregarious and outgoing. I'm the person in the grocery store that strikes up a funny/interesting conversation with you...if you have a tag on that says "Hi, I'm new"..I'll ask you how your shift is going and encourage you.
When I get overwhelmed by people (my job, volunteer work, life) I tend to power down and freak out and think I can never work again or go out in public again, but I do.
I really start focusing on others and it helps.
I'm the friendly bulldog in the park, jumping up to thank you for buying me the skateboard I ride on.
Original Post by cptbunny:
I am now able to drive (but I get bad anxiety because it's not my car... if that makes sense? I think I'd be ok if the car was mine). I can make 90% of my own phone calls (it's a work in progress... I have trouble calling billing places cause they made an error or cancelling an appointment or magazine subscription... it's really scary/hard for me still). I can go into any facility all on my own! This was a recent achievement... I'm at the point where I *want* to go out and walk around shops alone.
Bunny, all of this is amazing. You've fought hard for every one of those wins. Lots of people don't.
So people who are pro eye contact makers... what is your secret? How to deal with the vulnerability?
Disarm with a smile. Expect to see a smile. (One will lead to the other.) Works almost all the time. Even if it feels a bit weird or unnatural at first... you might make and get some funny-looking crooked ones for a bit, but even those are a sign of goodwill and are almost always taken well.
I have a nervous tick which I think makes it worse. If I force myself to stare at someone, my head starts to twitch at the base which makes me look like my head keeps tilting? This only started happening several years ago when my anxiety was at it's worse. Wondering if I can correct that stupid twitch? I don't know if people can see the twitch or not, it's very slight.
I used to twitch. I didn't work specifically to stop it - that came, I guess, with sheer exposure/practice, and some successes (in formal, public performances). Push past it; pretend it's not happening and others will have to do the same. When you feel it coming on, focus on the content of what you're saying/doing, or what the other person is saying/doing. (more than likely, it is not noticed.)
Anxiety question: You know that seasonal disorder (also labeled SAD), where people get depressed during the winter? Could it be possible to have something that happens similarly in the summer? I don't get depressed, but I have god awful anxiety every single summer from June to August with zero explanation (I will bring this up with therapist as I only just noticed - my husband pointed it out). I am a wreck currently, I keep thinking I'm gonna die, gonna have a stroke/heart attack etc. I could just be watching a tv show (new girl, girls on HBO, true blood, game of thrones, etc) and it would just happen, out of no where. Feels like a black cloud is in my chest or above my head... just looming fear of death. It's AWFUL. Only happens from June-August otherwise I am anxiety free (finally). Any ideas?
I can't say for sure & don't have experience with this, but this sounds more like an acute panic attack than other kinds of anxiety. I don't have any advice, other than to use calming techniques, like breathing. And to maybe keep track of daily events (not just feelings) in a log. (eg "went to store. saw mom for lunch. studied for exam.") You might find different relationships than you expect.
I'm having an attack right now... -_-; I'm home alone (happens even if my husband is here), so that doesn't help.
Thanks for listening to me again and sorry if I sound like I'm bragging about the lamest of things, haha. But it's such a big deal to me (sadly) and I wanted to share some of it with you guys because a lot of you guys helped get here (miss you PG!!).
All those things are a big deal :)
Sorry for bad grammar etc... my mind is racing and is currently tapioca.
You've come a long way!
I used to have many of the same anxiety issues you seem to have when I was in my late teens. I worked through it by signing up for a job at a movie theatre where I had to socialize on some level with hundreds and hundreds of people each day. To a person with anxiety this was terrifying. Little by little though, my anxiety started to get better. The panicked feeling would alleviate, and it was thrilling to have that much power over myself. It took years of this type of "in your face" social interaction to get me to where I am today. Folks think i'm an outgoing person who loves people, which to an extent this is true. It makes me laugh, really.
In regards to eye contact, I had the same problem. My solution was to make eye contact for 3 seconds with everyone I came across. 3 seconds and then a breif smile. That's it. Even a person with anxiety could do this (like myself). This also includes folks you pass in the street.
Over time I realized that many folks do expect a simple acknowledgement of their existence. 3 second eye contact and a smile will do this. I am able to hold eye contact for a much longer period of time. But, I wouldn't have been able to do this without that first baby step.
Good luck! I am sure you will conquer this too. 
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