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Flirting??? When is it no longer harmless?


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Or is it always bad...when you're married?

OK. I'm so ashamed but i've had this mad crush on an ex-coworker of mine for awhile. I, at the time we met, was a head teller. He was hired on as a teller. I was his immediate supervisor so i had to train him and we spent quite a bit of one on one time together. He is gorgeous. Soooo my type and apparently unbeknown to me, so into me. Like he is so good-looking that he got hit on EVERY day at work.

We worked together for about 2 years (did i mention he is freakin hot?) before he moved up in our company. We would still see each other but not much. We talked alot through email and text still. Nothing ever inappropriate. Just friends. He would call me beautiful or gorgeous but nothing raunchy ever. He eventually graduated college and left our company to use his degree. We kept in touch. He would still come by the bank (his best friend and roomate worked here).

Sweet Baby Jesus...about 6 months ago he confessed that he thinks about me alot and that he has a lot of (sexual) feelings for me. (He is 25 yrs old and so freakin hot) I turned 39 this year and am flattered beyond belief. Just this past month our texting and emailing has become...ridiculously sexy.

He says he would never take action. He respects my marriage. He knows my hubby and loves my girls. He was around them alot while we worked together.

Last night in one of our texting sessions he pretty much asked to come over...my husband works late. Of course i said no, but i had to bite my lip to get it out. I fear if we keep this up....crap happens. I have never even been tempted before. I am a ONE man woman... literally. I've only ever been with my husband. Is this my midlife crisis? Is it harmless?

237 Replies (last)
Original Post by kathygator:

There are levels, I agree. I still wouldn't term what she did as 'infidelity' though, because it isn't. I'm not saying it's harmless or appropriate behavior, but true permanent harm is entirely avoidable, does she choose to.

Well, like I said Kathy, we all have our opinions and thoughts on this subject and we're all not going to agree on "sensitive" issues such as this...and it's all good, ya know? I've been exactly where the OP is right now and I've formulated my thoughts on the subject based upon my experience with it. I don't think you or I are entirely wrong on the matter....it's just different "perspectives", yes?

Original Post by kathygator:

FWIW, I doubt Connie's texts have gotten quite to that point, Dave. But I could be wrong on that score.

I'd agree that phone sex is a lot closer to infidelity than what Connie has described, thusfar.

 see, i'm thinking they might have.  when she says "quite steamy" that's where my mind goes.  that is, unless they're texting about saunas, boiling kettles and um...subway vents.

And now Star and I are having a complete aside conversation.  Score.

No more derailing, stop encouraging me.  You know I can't resist a good debate.

Original Post by nicepumpkins:

Not really.

It's kind like this...when people say you have more of a chance of dying in a car accident than in a plane crash.  It's true...but largely because people don't fly nearly as often as they drive.

For men, they are constantly bombarded with images that are distracting, slightly raunchy, that send very specific messages.  Like the women who feel they should be able to dress however they want and men should never react (wolf whistle, hit on them, gawk, etc).  Men are walking around in the world with Victoria's Secret ads, half dressed women in public,  women taking strip aerobics classes for "exercise"...of course it seems like they think like that more often than not.  We barely give them a chance not to.

If women had to experience the same level of that type of stimulation that men do on a daily basis, we would be accused of having the same mentality.  But as it is, men usually wear clothing that covers all of their body parts, they generally don't get on bars and shake their butts in everyone's faces, and the most you might see on a television ad or billboard is a dude in boxer briefs. 

And that tis the end of my rant.

 Wow, way to set women back into the last century.

"It wasn't the man's fault, look at the way she dressed!"

This has sucessfully been used in court to defend against rape charges.

Original Post by nicepumpkins:

But isn't that more of a physical reaction?

Not at all like "thinking with it".  To say someone is thinking with a certain body part is much more insulting I think than to say that they get a little turned on by a touch or an image or an interaction.

 

Not in my opinion.  It's not like she's grabbing his member....  she's walking past him.  Nothing sexual about it.

Or what if said amish women is bending over to pick up some apples and the man get's a look at her round bottom.  She's completely covered... nothing sexual being done... 

Original Post by nicepumpkins:

And now Star and I are having a complete aside conversation.  Score.

No more derailing, stop encouraging me.  You know I can't resist a good debate.

haha.  derailing for the win.

Original Post by stargazer1: I would put my money that even an amish women could sexually arouse a man depending on the situation.

Wouldn't work for me...but keep me away from a woman wearing glasses dressed like a librarian...Wink **grin**

Original Post by pinegrovedave:

Original Post by kathygator:

There are levels, I agree. I still wouldn't term what she did as 'infidelity' though, because it isn't. I'm not saying it's harmless or appropriate behavior, but true permanent harm is entirely avoidable, does she choose to.

Well, like I said Kathy, we all have our opinions and thoughts on this subject and we're all not going to agree on "sensitive" issues such as this...and it's all good, ya know? I've been exactly where the OP is right now and I've formulated my thoughts on the subject based upon my experience with it. I don't think you or I are entirely wrong on the matter....it's just different "perspectives", yes?

Absolutely yes.  The only thing I've ever found to be true of all relationships is that they are all different. :)

Your boundaries, well understood by your partner, are your boundaries. It's not for anyone to say differently. I apologize if I sounded dictatorial about it.

Original Post by knowan:

Original Post by nicepumpkins:

Not really.

It's kind like this...when people say you have more of a chance of dying in a car accident than in a plane crash.  It's true...but largely because people don't fly nearly as often as they drive.

For men, they are constantly bombarded with images that are distracting, slightly raunchy, that send very specific messages.  Like the women who feel they should be able to dress however they want and men should never react (wolf whistle, hit on them, gawk, etc).  Men are walking around in the world with Victoria's Secret ads, half dressed women in public,  women taking strip aerobics classes for "exercise"...of course it seems like they think like that more often than not.  We barely give them a chance not to.

If women had to experience the same level of that type of stimulation that men do on a daily basis, we would be accused of having the same mentality.  But as it is, men usually wear clothing that covers all of their body parts, they generally don't get on bars and shake their butts in everyone's faces, and the most you might see on a television ad or billboard is a dude in boxer briefs. 

And that tis the end of my rant.

 Wow, way to set women back into the last century.

"It wasn't the man's fault, look at the way she dressed!"

This has sucessfully been used in court to defend against rape charges.

 Wow, way to totally misinterpret what I meant.

I am the one saying that men actually do think with their brains, not just their lower body parts.  That doesn't mean that it's fair for women to frolick around scantily clad and expect no reaction.  Just like women would react if a man did the same to them...we would notice, we would look, we would gawk, we might whistle.  It's natural.  It just doesn't happen as much to women as it does to men, so it seems like they are they think this way all the freakin' time.

 

Original Post by pinegrovedave:

Original Post by stargazer1: I would put my money that even an amish women could sexually arouse a man depending on the situation.

Wouldn't work for me...but keep me away from a woman wearing glasses dressed like a librarian... **grin**

LMAO.

I almost ALWAYS get hit on if I go out in a business suit.  Never understood why...  but ummm.... maybe that gave it some perspective.

Original Post by pinegrovedave:

Original Post by stargazer1: I would put my money that even an amish women could sexually arouse a man depending on the situation.

Wouldn't work for me...but keep me away from a woman wearing glasses dressed like a librarian... **grin**

 I'm beginning to think this is the most universally appealing concept in the world for men. 

Original Post by stargazer1:

Original Post by pinegrovedave:

Original Post by stargazer1: I would put my money that even an amish women could sexually arouse a man depending on the situation.

Wouldn't work for me...but keep me away from a woman wearing glasses dressed like a librarian... **grin**

LMAO.

I almost ALWAYS get hit on if I go out in a business suit.  Never understood why...  but ummm.... maybe that gave it some perspective.

I wonder if this is why all the old guys like me. I always thought it was my winning personality and bang-on book recommendations.

Original Post by kathygator:

There are levels, I agree. I still wouldn't term what she did as 'infidelity' though, because it isn't. I'm not saying it's harmless or appropriate behavior, but true permanent harm is entirely avoidable, does she choose to.

I see infidelity as a lack of fidelity or loyalty.  You know, an act of disloyalty.  I should be able to decide with my partner what being "loyal" is in the context of my own relationship.  No amount of somebody else telling me I should or shouldn't feel betrayed by a specific act is going to change how I actually feel about it.

It's kinda a sliding scale.  To be honest, I'm a little surprised more people don't think this way given the varied responses we always get in the "cheating" threads.  Seems kinda obvious to me that when half the people are yelling "dump the cheater" and half are saying "well, he didn't technically cheat" there might be a disconnect in the way people are defining it.

Connie: More to the point, I had a semi-similar issue a while ago with a good friend of several years.  Long story short, the difference was HE was the one who was engaged, I was the one who was single.  He was still the pursuer.  I told him that it had to stop immediately, and I laid down boundaries.  When he still didn't stop, I cut all contact.  He contacted me again about 9 months later, apologized, and admitted that he'd been going through some stuff at the time that was making him question his upcoming marriage.  He's doing better, and we're able to be friends again without it being a problem, but he knows that I WILL cut ties again if it happens again.

Original Post by lizshuler:

IMHO you should have put a stop to this "friendship" the moment he admitted having deeper feelings for you.  It's natural to flirt and recognize that someone is attractive, but you have obviously gone past that.  You shouldn't have to bite your lip to say no.  It should have been easy to say "**** off you hornball, i'm married.

An affair does not have to be physical and it seems that 6 months ago you started an emotional affair.  If I was your husband and read this post I would leave your ass in a second.  I don't mean to come off as a jerk, I just know if my husband was doing what you are doing I would be heartbroken and he would be homeless.

 I totally believe in emotional affairs and emotional cheating. But i am not in love with him. i just think he is super hot and can't believe that this youngster is pursuing me. And  my Husbands Facebook usage has pissed me off too so i think i'm acting out because of that as well.

Trust me i know that i have an appealing look for a lot of men. i don't suffer from low self esteem or old lady syndrone I get hit on regularly. But not as much as he does. Like the boy is fine! He could have ANYONE!

The texting as been relatively mild. He talks about wanting to kiss my soft lips and asking what i like...which i won't tell him. He pretty much just keeps saying," you are sexy as hell" and "i want to feel you're body next to mine and..."yeah as i type this it is pretty bad.

Yeah...that's not harmless...good thing you recognize the peril of your behavior.

And as an aside, I (of course) object to the term 'old lady syndrome'. ;P

Original Post by connielicious:

Original Post by lizshuler:

IMHO you should have put a stop to this "friendship" the moment he admitted having deeper feelings for you.  It's natural to flirt and recognize that someone is attractive, but you have obviously gone past that.  You shouldn't have to bite your lip to say no.  It should have been easy to say "**** off you hornball, i'm married.

An affair does not have to be physical and it seems that 6 months ago you started an emotional affair.  If I was your husband and read this post I would leave your ass in a second.  I don't mean to come off as a jerk, I just know if my husband was doing what you are doing I would be heartbroken and he would be homeless.

 I totally believe in emotional affairs and emotional cheating. But i am not in love with him. i just think he is super hot and can't believe that this youngster is pursuing me. And  my Husbands Facebook usage has pissed me off too so i think i'm acting out because of that as well.

Trust me i know that i have an appealing look for a lot of men. i don't suffer from low self esteem or old lady syndrone I get hit on regularly. But not as much as he does. Like the boy is fine! He could have ANYONE!

The texting as been relatively mild. He talks about wanting to kiss my soft lips and asking what i like...which i won't tell him. He pretty much just keeps saying," you are sexy as hell" and "i want to feel you're body next to mine and..."yeah as i type this it is pretty bad.

I'm thinking there is more to this story than we know.

I will just say... 2 wrongs don't make a right.  Whatever hardships your relationship may be having, is not worth adding another.

Original Post by stargazer1:

I'm thinking there is more to this story than we know.

I will just say... 2 wrongs don't make a right.  Whatever hardships your relationship may be having, is not worth adding another.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Original Post by connielicious:

The texting as been relatively mild. He talks about wanting to kiss my soft lips and asking what i like...which i won't tell him. He pretty much just keeps saying," you are sexy as hell" and "i want to feel you're body next to mine and..."yeah as i type this it is pretty bad.

Forgive me for sounding blunt Connie, but what "do" you tell him? Dialog like this does not always start in a vacuum if you get my meaning.

Do you reply by stating that you'd love to have yours hands running across his body, or do you simply ignore his stated intentions?

...I am clearly not using my texting plan as it was intended...

Original Post by pinegrovedave:

Forgive me for sounding blunt Connie, but what "do" you tell him? Dialog like this does not always start in a vacuum if you get my meaning.

Do you reply by stating that you'd love to have yours hands running across his body, or do you simply ignore his stated intentions?

 She says, "Da Doo Doo Doo, Da Da Da Da- is all I want to say to you".

237 Replies (last)
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