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what would you think


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If you knew someone who was in an abusive relationship (or in which some abuse had occurred) ....but it didn't bother them that much?
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I would think that the abusee had their own particular brand of mental illness.  I've actually seen it, and it amazed me what she could not only accept, but completely forget (not just gloss over) and adapt.  (She did finally get out of that particular relationship, but she had to hit rock bottom first).  The first time it happened to me, I glossed it over.  Took the second time for me to say, "okay, this is a pattern now."

Now if it's the one "in which some abuse had occurred"...  that one's a bit more touchy.  See my example above.  One time does not *necessarily* a habit make, but it probably does. 

Depending on the person and how they were raised, they may just see it as "normal" which is why it doesn't bother them. 

Maybe thy don't consider it abusive? Or that the dynamics of the relationship somehow fitted that kind of behaviour?

My friend had a boyfriend who got really weird when he was angry about something - anything, even totally unrelated to her, like a bad test score or something- and when she tried to hug him or comfort him he'd push her- not just 'get off me, not now, leave me alone' sort of pushing, as in, he pushed her so hard she ended up smashing her head on the floor multiple times, crashing into other people, kind of pushing. He did it in front of a group of us once and we were all totally freaked out but she just picked herself up and started chatting.

I told her that his behaviour was abusive and obviously showed that his opinions on how you could touch your partner were squewiff, but she just said that he had been in a bad mood and hadn't meant to push her that hard. Just like the last time, and the time before etc :|

they broke up eventually but it wasn't because of that... Think she's realised the nature of it now that she's not with him x
I would think that either that person had extremely low self esteem (possibly from being verbally beat down) and were convinced to think they deserved to be hit or they were blinded by ( so called) love.
Original Post by lgilliammk:

I would think that either that person had extremely low self esteem (possibly from being verbally beat down) and were convinced to think they deserved to be hit or they were blinded by ( so called) love.


This is what I'm thinking.

My whole life, physical abuse has been the ultimate deal breaker, big time no-no in my mind.  Now that I am an adult and experiencing my own relationships and getting glimpses into those of other people, it seems more common than I ever imagined.

If you love someone, is it forgivable?  Or if you are willing to forgive such an offense, does it mean there is something wrong with you?

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

Original Post by lgilliammk:

I would think that either that person had extremely low self esteem (possibly from being verbally beat down) and were convinced to think they deserved to be hit or they were blinded by ( so called) love.


This is what I'm thinking.

My whole life, physical abuse has been the ultimate deal breaker, big time no-no in my mind.  Now that I am an adult and experiencing my own relationships and getting glimpses into those of other people, it seems more common than I ever imagined.

If you love someone, is it forgivable?  Or if you are willing to forgive such an offense, does it mean there is something wrong with you?

I don't think anyone should be in an abusive relationship, physical or verbal though the latter is hard to "define" since people always say hurtful things when they're mad, doesn't mean that they mean to hurt others...I don't know how to explain it.

But if a person is willing to forgive his/her partner for abusing them, then it's just not love. It's more like dependence. Something is definitely "wrong" psychologically but love is like a drug for some. Personally, I wouldn't be able to forgive anyone who hit me. It's a 100% deal breaker, same with being cheated on or etc. I don't really believe in second chances when it comes to infidelity or abusive behaviors.

I would think they need someone to offer their hand, to show them there is a better life they can have, before they could see that they can walk away from the situation.

 

Or they had a fetish and strangely got off on such a thing.

Original Post by girlabsolut:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

Original Post by lgilliammk:

I would think that either that person had extremely low self esteem (possibly from being verbally beat down) and were convinced to think they deserved to be hit or they were blinded by ( so called) love.


This is what I'm thinking.

My whole life, physical abuse has been the ultimate deal breaker, big time no-no in my mind.  Now that I am an adult and experiencing my own relationships and getting glimpses into those of other people, it seems more common than I ever imagined.

If you love someone, is it forgivable?  Or if you are willing to forgive such an offense, does it mean there is something wrong with you?

I don't think anyone should be in an abusive relationship, physical or verbal though the latter is hard to "define" since people always say hurtful things when they're mad, doesn't mean that they mean to hurt others...I don't know how to explain it.

But if a person is willing to forgive his/her partner for abusing them, then it's just not love. It's more like dependence. Something is definitely "wrong" psychologically but love is like a drug for some. Personally, I wouldn't be able to forgive anyone who hit me. It's a 100% deal breaker, same with being cheated on or etc. I don't really believe in second chances when it comes to infidelity or abusive behaviors.

So it's not love at all...or it's more dependence than love?

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

If you knew someone who was in an abusive relationship (or in which some abuse had occurred) ....but it didn't bother them that much?

It would depend greatly on what type of abuse was occuring.

I would think I'd be love on the side of the one being abused but not real love. Maybe in love with an idea of what the abuser originally portrayed them-self to be or what the abused wants them to become. I don't think it's love at all on the side of the abuser.

There could still be love (from the victim's side at least), but it's not relevant in this case. A person who's not emotionally dependent would still be able to think clearly and decide that it's not good for her/him, even though they still feel love.

 

Anyway, I agree, I'd also think they'd been abused to the point that their self-confidence has hit rock bottom and they think they aren't worthy of anything better.

Original Post by floggingsully:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

If you knew someone who was in an abusive relationship (or in which some abuse had occurred) ....but it didn't bother them that much?

It would depend greatly on what type of abuse was occuring.

Physical

Original Post by amd_66:

I would think they need someone to offer their hand, to show them there is a better life they can have, before they could see that they can walk away from the situation.

 

This. And although it may be sad, sometimes they may never see it :-/

Pumpkins, does this have anything to do with you? :(

Sometimes offering a hand may be harder than it seems. The abused may be afraid that every moment not accounted for and confirmed by the abuser could lead to more abuse. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try like heck to support that person but it may not be an easy breezy task.

What do you consider abuse?

Scenario:  During an argument, a wife hits her husband or pushes him hard enough that he falls or hurts himself.  Both of them are angry and the situation had escalated to that point, and it's not something that occurs regularly at all.  Abuse?  Forgivable?  Is it better or worse because it was the female hitting the male or all the same?

Original Post by lgilliammk:

Sometimes offering a hand may be harder than it seems. The abused may be afraid that every moment not accounted for and confirmed by the abuser could lead to more abuse. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try like heck to support that person but it may not be an easy breezy task.

I think offering a hand should mean being a good friend and recommending some hard work in therapy or otherwise.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

What do you consider abuse?

Scenario:  During an argument, a wife hits her husband or pushes him hard enough that he falls or hurts himself.  Both of them are angry and the situation had escalated to that point, and it's not something that occurs regularly at all.  Abuse?  Forgivable?  Is it better or worse because it was the female hitting the male or all the same?

I would consider all of what you wrote to be abusive. However, it's the pattern that makes it abuse.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

So it's not love at all...or it's more dependence than love?

Yeah. It's just dependence. Like what others have brought up, the victim's mind might've been clouded by "love" or the delusion of it and all the abuse would've affected her sense of confidence -- maybe the victim feels like he/she is not worth better or maybe he/she feels like they deserve it. Or maybe hope for the better, maybe the aggressor will realize his mistakes one day.. but one day never comes.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

What do you consider abuse?

Scenario:  During an argument, a wife hits her husband or pushes him hard enough that he falls or hurts himself.  Both of them are angry and the situation had escalated to that point, and it's not something that occurs regularly at all.  Abuse?  Forgivable?  Is it better or worse because it was the female hitting the male or all the same?

Very troubling, and abuse that goes largely unreported in our culture. Damn, Lost. That's a tough conversation to have with a friend.

If it were my brother or son, though, I'd have it. And I'd call it abuse.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

What do you consider abuse?

Scenario:  During an argument, a wife hits her husband or pushes him hard enough that he falls or hurts himself.  Both of them are angry and the situation had escalated to that point, and it's not something that occurs regularly at all.  Abuse?  Forgivable?  Is it better or worse because it was the female hitting the male or all the same?

There is never any reason for violence. It's domestic violence. I wouldn't label it abusive unless it happens again.

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