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Now, I'm Curious


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Gentlemen, and Ladies, too...the post about how to ask your husband for an open marriage has me wondering.

If your spouse or SO approached you with a request like that (whether or not your sex life was bad/boring/dead)

How would you feel about it?

Would it be the end of your relationship/marriage if they were going to go through with it regardless of what you said?

If they did, and for whatever reason, you hadn't left...would you go find someone, too?

If you would be against the whole thing and would rather leave than have an open relationship, what would be your biggest fear?

That they'd fall in love with someone else?

Herpes?

Dizzy minds wanna know.

 

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Original Post by raychelc:

Gentlemen, and Ladies, too...the post about how to ask your husband for an open marriage has me wondering.

If your spouse or SO approached you with a request like that (whether or not your sex life was bad/boring/dead)

How would you feel about it?

Shocked.

Would it be the end of your relationship/marriage if they were going to go through with it regardless of what you said?

Sadly, yes.  I do NOT play well with others, and I definitely don't share.

If they did, and for whatever reason, you hadn't left...would you go find someone, too?

Moot point.  I would have left if the insistence was to go through with it regardless.

If you would be against the whole thing and would rather leave than have an open relationship, what would be your biggest fear?

I do not understand the question.  Staying, I can name a couple fears... but leaving?  What is there to fear?

That they'd fall in love with someone else?

I left.  Not my problem.

Herpes?

Hopefully, he really did ask before starting this... so again, not my problem.

Dizzy minds wanna know.

 

I've been with my husband for over 16 years now and married nearly 15 of those.  Sex isn't always a perfectly structured thing.  We've each gone through phases of low drive. 

After I had my 2nd baby, I was in mommy mode and didn't feel sexy in any way.  I was caring for 2 little ones and that is where my focus was (nesting).  I still took care of him, but it wasn't always strict intercourse.  My heart just wasn't in it.  And at the time, I didn't need that for myself.  It was just too much work.  He's gone through phases where he's either been on training for a job (away from home for months), or stressed for one reason or another -- pushes his drive way down.  At those times, he would be more than willing to satisfy me, but wasn't able to keep his mind on the task at hand to finish the job.  And was at the point that even though it was frustrating for him, he didn't really care.  Again, it was just too much work and his heart wasn't in it.

We just ride these waves... and discuss it when one of us is sexually frustrated.  We usually find out that there's something going on in the HEAD of the other.  Most important sexual organ there is:  the brain.

As far as an open marriage... Just so wouldn't work for me.  One of the reasons I agreed to marry my husband (was not big on marriage due to things I'd experienced as a child), was his capacity for monogamy.  He's just always had this aura about him that tells me he would never hurt me.  Of course, things change, but thus far...  And I could never hurt him like that.  Again, it goes back to my own childhood emotional trauma. 

But that's what works for me.  If a different arrangement works for someone else... more power to them :) 

Personally I am not emotionally strong enough to be accepting of such a proposal, and even them putting such a proposal to me would probably cause me to slam down the shutters like a panic button had just been hit.

It would be the end of the relationship right there, because I would no longer trust them, for even having such thoughts.

This is down to my own personal insecurities, and having been cheated on in the past.

From what you read or see on the TV, there are plenty of people who are secure enough within themselves and their relationship for such a proposal to work.

Original Post by amd_66:

Personally I am not emotionally strong enough to be accepting of such a proposal, and even them putting such a proposal to me would probably cause me to slam down the shutters like a panic button had just been hit.

It would be the end of the relationship right there, because I would no longer trust them, for even having such thoughts.

This is down to my own personal insecurities, and having been cheated on in the past.

From what you read or see on the TV, there are plenty of people who are secure enough within themselves and their relationship for such a proposal to work.

I don't know..I've seen shows like "Sister Wives" before, and even when it's someone's chosen lifestyle or religiously-influenced decision, there still seems to be plenty of jealousy, insecurity and all-around drama a lot of the time.

I don't know if the husband or wife stepping out to have another relationship (versus bringing anyone home) would be any better emotionally speaking.

Definitely not something I could do.

 

Every time we are watching something on TV or hear people talk about open relationships.. both my fiance and I cringe because we simply don't understand why you would even be in a relationship if you wanted to do this. Maybe we're just lucky and completely love each other to the point where this is not even something to be considered but.. If you want an open relationship, bottom line is you shouldn't be in that relationship. Obviously you don't love each other enough, obviously you don't care enough to be committed to each other and you should just not be together. Be friends or something but you have no place in a relationship together.

Unless I had been horribly injured in some tragic accident which rendered me unable to boink, his wanting to go outside of our relationship would be a deal breaker for me.

However, if I was in a coma or otherwise incapacitated, I think I would understand and be totally OK with it.

I would assume he already was having sex with someone else & NOW was "getting permission" to backdate when the "open marriage" actually started.

The marriage would be over.

I would listen to him and do him the courtesy of considering it and trying to see his perspective. Actually, it's kind of hard to imagine because he is very traditional and very much a monogamous relationship person. It would probably be me asking him if anything and his reaction wouldn't be good, I feel sure of it.

I've actually made similar suggestions...but he just brushes them off or ignores it. Most of the time, I present it in a kind of playful way.

It bothers me how rude monogamous people can be to non momogamous people or when discussing non monogamy. I've yet to see anyone say, "Oh I just CRINGE when I hear people discussing monogamy. I mean, really, how could you?!" I wish people would try to expand their idea of love to include relationships that don't require life long monogamy. When did we begin equating love with being sexually exclusive?

The couples I know who have open marriages have unbelievable communication and trust in each other. They have to They know that there isn't room for games or secrecy or dishonesty because the situation is delicate and involves more people. I have a lot of respect for them.

Sometimes it bothers me that Nick isn't more open about things. Its OK for now but what if I want to try something in the future?
Wow blueatre, that's the most close minded self righteous thing I've read in ages.

Wow.
If your spouse or SO approached you with a request like that (whether or not your sex life was bad/boring/dead)

How would you feel about it?

Shocked, and disappointed/ashamed that our sex life had gotten to the point that he felt the need for extra-marital experiences.  Then I would feel the need to insist on couples/sexual counseling.

Would it be the end of your relationship/marriage if they were going to go through with it regardless of what you said?

Yes.  I'm a believer in sexual monogamy and he knows this, however, more than that, the unwillingness to consider my feelings or work through it with therapy would be the deal breaker.

If they did, and for whatever reason, you hadn't left...would you go find someone, too?

I don't see why I wouldn't leave, but for argument's sake, I would feel nervous about finding someone else.  Heck, given my schedule, I doubt I would have the time.

If you would be against the whole thing and would rather leave than have an open relationship, what would be your biggest fear?

Explaining it to my kids and family.

That they'd fall in love with someone else?

None of my business what he does after we're apart, as long as it doesn't harm the kids.

Herpes?

Your hypothetical was my spouse asking first, so I'm not sure why that would be a concern.  If he only asked about it after the fact, then yeah, I would be concerned about it.

 

As much as I would like to disagree with it I cant. Really this boils down to how you are raised and what society views as acceptable. People often live in their little bubble of what they assume perfection is and refuse to accept anything else. My last ex was amazing in so many ways and such a great guy. But sexually we were on way different wave lengths. It meet crossed my mind to consider an open relationship because he would not have been ok with it and I knew that. My needs were not being met which led to the end of the relationship. But, if he had been open to something like that we probably would have had an amazing relationship otherwise. I guess it's about respecting what the other person needs and wants. If you cannot give it to them in a full way it ends or you are open to options.

Not one way of life is rigt and to assume yours is because it's what you believe is ignorant. Would you rather a man or woman who was open enough to ask or one who goes behind your back because they know it can never be an option? If they ask, it does not mean you have to agree just means you have to either find away to satisfy them or let them go.

i would feel mistrustful and suspicious if my hubby suggested an open marriage. i'm happy with the way things are in the bedroom, and all indications are that he is too. i believe he's satisfied enough to not seek gratification from someone other than me.  

therefore, if he were to raise the subject of swinging or inviting someone else to 'play', i would be shocked, and suspect he was either having a midlife crisis, already cheating, or had fallen and hit his head.

i don't condemn anyone else for their choices; i know that lots of people choose alternative sexual lifestyles...but i know it wouldn't be right for me/us. i'm a one-man woman, and expect the same from my man.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I would listen to him and do him the courtesy of considering it and trying to see his perspective. Actually, it's kind of hard to imagine because he is very traditional and very much a monogamous relationship person. It would probably be me asking him if anything and his reaction wouldn't be good, I feel sure of it.

I've actually made similar suggestions...but he just brushes them off or ignores it. Most of the time, I present it in a kind of playful way.

It bothers me how rude monogamous people can be to non momogamous people or when discussing non monogamy. I've yet to see anyone say, "Oh I just CRINGE when I hear people discussing monogamy. I mean, really, how could you?!" I wish people would try to expand their idea of love to include relationships that don't require life long monogamy. When did we begin equating love with being sexually exclusive?

The couples I know who have open marriages have unbelievable communication and trust in each other. They have to They know that there isn't room for games or secrecy or dishonesty because the situation is delicate and involves more people. I have a lot of respect for them.

Sometimes it bothers me that Nick isn't more open about things. Its OK for now but what if I want to try something in the future?

This is pretty close to my thoughts on it. DH would never approach me with such a thing. I'm a little more...open than he is and would be more accepting. I would have to question why the change because like LP, I've playfully brought up different ideas and they appear to turn him off completely.

Also, bleuatre, not sure how old you are, but your post comes across as young. I have the same question as LP, since when did love in a stable relationship have to equal sexual exclusivity? Sex contributes a sense of intimacy to a relationship and is good for the relationship, right? But what if your sexual needs change over time...or his? What if your heart isn't in sex with your partner even though you still love him deeply? Do you give up that love, just to explore your sexual needs? I think that the terms of a relationship are as unique as the two or more individuals involved and should be respected. Just because you or I chose a more traditional approach (for the time being), doesn't invalidate the loving relationships taking place outside of those boundaries.

To expound on something santo mentioned (explaining it to kids and family), I don't think it's any of their business. Of course, this is assuming DH and I would still be married. Like I said, I think that each relationship is highly individual and I could never emotionally support two people (at least not at this point in my life), so I know that it would almost be exclusively sex, not another emotional relationship. Which in that case...nobody's business.

Eh, you can think what you think. I just know we love each other so much there is no room for anybody else in our relationship ever. If you want to do it, go ahead and do it. I'm not saying you or anyone else shouldn't or can't, I only mean for us it is no way even thinkable. I don't really mind what other people choose to do with their lives, after-all everyone is different. You just asked for my view on it so I told you /shrugs.

Thanks for the permission to think what I want!

No, what you said is that anyone who wants an open relationship shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. Sounds pretty judgmental to me.

bleu, if you had kept your remarks to your own relationship, I doubt people would have had an issue with it. Instead, you applied your prejudice to others, and made the statement that other people who want an open marriage shouldn't be married. That's why you are getting flack.

 

As for me, it's hard to imagine such a request coming out of the blue. As listeners of the Dan Savage podcast, the topic has come up, and we have both stated that neither of us has any interest in having such an arrangement. At this point, it's difficult for me to say how I would respond in the future, because I think that our situation would have to have changed significantly for such a request to be made in the first place, it's pretty hard to imagine what I'd be feeling and wanting at that point.

Original Post by santonacci: How would you feel about it?

Shocked, and disappointed/ashamed that our sex life had gotten to the point that he felt the need for extra-marital experiences.  Then I would feel the need to insist on couples/sexual counseling.

Why do you assume that if your man suggests or asks for something different that he feels a 'need' for it?

Original Post by santonacci:

Would it be the end of your relationship/marriage if they were going to go through with it regardless of what you said?

Yes.  I'm a believer in sexual monogamy and he knows this, however, more than that, the unwillingness to consider my feelings or work through it with therapy would be the deal breaker.

Since when has asking for something meant that you weren't considering the person you're askings feelings?  I thought it meant that you were considering how they feel.

Original Post by bleuatre:

Every time we are watching something on TV or hear people talk about open relationships.. both my fiance and I cringe because we simply don't understand why you would even be in a relationship if you wanted to do this. Maybe we're just lucky and completely love each other to the point where this is not even something to be considered but.. If you want an open relationship, bottom line is you shouldn't be in that relationship. Obviously you don't love each other enough, obviously you don't care enough to be committed to each other and you should just not be together. Be friends or something but you have no place in a relationship together.

Original Post by bleuatre:

Eh, you can think what you think. I just know we love each other so much there is no room for anybody else in our relationship ever. If you want to do it, go ahead and do it. I'm not saying you or anyone else shouldn't or can't, I only mean for us it is no way even thinkable. I don't really mind what other people choose to do with their lives, after-all everyone is different. You just asked for my view on it so I told you /shrugs.

None of what you said in the previous post would suggest you "only mean for us".

You said they had no business being in a relationship if an open marriage was what she wanted.

Yea, if it was a perfect world I would think that way, but it isn't so the comment is made just for my life. Sorry, I guess I forgot to add "for me, personally" in there since I just assumed if I was answering my views on something it would be about me or my opinions *rolls eyes*.

Original Post by bleuatre:  If you want to do it, go ahead and do it. I'm not saying you or anyone else shouldn't or can't...

Sure you aren't...

Original Post by bleuatre:  If you want an open relationship, bottom line is you shouldn't be in that relationship. Obviously you don't love each other enough, obviously you don't care enough to be committed to each other and you should just not be together.

 

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