Well it started innocently enough.
I went clubbing with some friends, and having an injured foot/ankle, I couldn't walk the next day. I was in pain.
Get help for your addiction, and cultivate some dignity. You're worth a lot more than your behavior suggests.
Chuck the pills - just throw them out, you can take aspirin or ibuprofen for your ankle.
This situation is temporary; worthwhile people will give you credit for working on yourself. (And it's not impossible for that misunderstanding to be corrected.) As you say, the partiers couldn't care less. (Stay away from them.)
When these events are too difficult to think about sober, remember, again: this situation is temporary.
One of the "friends" that doesn't talk to me anymore said I need to be in AA or NA because I had mentioned craving substance again despite being clean for several months. This was only one or two days before I took the first dose. And now he won't look me in the eye.
Should I switch therapists? The one I have just listens and says "you'll get better! You're a good person/You need to just smile/Don't do that its bad for you! (no ****)". This'll be like the 3rd or 4th therapist in the past 12 or so months if I switch. I'm in therapy and have been on and off for the past several years... and this "temporary" situation hasn't gotten better. I've quit hiding away in anorexia all the time and, for now, actually doing really well in school and everything else...
If what you're saying accurately represents the whole of what's happening in therapy, to be honest, I would have second thoughts too.
(Note that there's stuff like transference/countertransference etc that can happen, vs/in addition to being stuck with a shallow/crappy/not very bright therapist.)
Was the process outlined for you in the beginning? Eg, "this is my orientation/modality"; ''if you're troubled by what's happening, you can appeal to x or do y"? Have you worked out therapeutic goals together, and has s/he discussed what to expect?
I don't know much about what you call s/h, but dialectical behaviour therapy addresses distress tolerance. Might be worth looking into. (It was devised to treat bipolar disorder, but has been used successfully with many other kinds of problems.)
It involves learning to a) identify and b) experience, tolerate, & let pass highly agitating emotional states, using mindfulness meditation. Sounds flaky. Is well supported.
Counsellors in truly group practices or affiliated with hospitals are good - more resources for therapists to draw from/reality to check into/options for you if things don't work.
Someone familiar with addictions, obviously, would be good... You've done well in the past months. But structured support might be helpful for a while, still.
AA/NA... can be a political question... strictly secular options exist but are harder to find. People have been helped by it, though.
I wish the burden of evaluating therapy didn't fall on people who need it so much.
Can I ask what was wrong with the other therapists? You don't have to answer.
Original Post by melodic:
Should I switch therapists? The one I have just listens and says "you'll get better! You're a good person/You need to just smile/Don't do that its bad for you! (no ****)". This'll be like the 3rd or 4th therapist in the past 12 or so months if I switch. I'm in therapy and have been on and off for the past several years... and this "temporary" situation hasn't gotten better.
A therapist can only do so much, but they won't do the work for you. The only person who can help you is yourself. Unless you make the decision to live life, and respect yourself and thepeople around you, an army of therapists won't be able to help.
Agree that it takes work. But lots of people want to 'live life'. It's a question of knowing how to.
I think the OP knows what she should avoid. If you see something tempts you back on the wrong path, you have to cut it out of your life. If you can't handle alchohol, you will never be able to drink casually, so better to be a teetotaller, than to keep drinking 'just one' which never stops at one and ending up in dangerous situations. Especially if you end up hurtin other people, you have a duty to keep hold of yourself.
If you've been addicted to something, then that thing should be off limits forever. People can take control of their lives from their addiction, but they will always be an addict. A recovered alchoholic does not drink, and does not let alchohol control his life, but he is still a person who ast the first drink will fall back into old habits.
Similarly, if your 'friends' don't have your best interests at heart, but instead preffer you destructive, they're not your friends, and it's better to avoid them.
I'm not saying it's not hard, but the OP knows what she has to do. What she is doing wrong is looking for outside validation for doing the right thing. We here can support her, but ultimately, she is the only person who can make the decision to live responsibly.
Im sure there's a lot of us in here who have woken up after a drunk night with regrets. It does feel awful and unrepairable. But .... it will blow over. As long as you make that change. The people who care about you will forgive you. But you have to show them that you recognize these faults and WANT to get better.
As an alcoholic/addict that has almost 8 yrs of sobriety, I STILL HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION TO STAY SOBER almost daily. Addiction doesn't go away or die. It only lays in wait to strike when you are least likely to fight it. Your friends are doing the right thing by not wanting to be around you if you are using. Stay away from the users. They just want to drag you down with them. Your good friends= IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING STRAIGHT, THEN GET THRU 24HRS SOBER AND THEN CALL A FRIEND YOU TRUST AND OPEN UP TO THEM AND SEE IF THEY WILL GO DO SOMETHING WITH YOU SUCH AS GO TO AN NA MEETING AS YOUR SUPPORT.
@suzu: i agree with much of your reply, and support your emphasis on commitment as critical in making important changes.
with regard to addictions... the problematic part isn't so much knowing that avoiding drugs or alcohol is the thing to be done; it's knowing how to handle emotions, & cope with life, in a non-avoidant, proactive way. in a bodily way, even. so much goes into that i can't begin to approach it here.
it sounds to me as though the OP has put a lot of effort into making changes, and could use help guiding them further.
as has been said here before about other destructive behaviours: since everyone wants to have a good life, and we all think we kind of know what that is supposed to mean, why do so many of us screw it up? habits, thoughts, memory, environment, inclination, etc... not so easy to transform alone, or not for everyone.
eta: i think we are coming at it from different but complementary angles.
First of all thank you for everyone's responses.
And this isn't to criticize anyone, but I have been trying. I've spent a lot of time Trying to figure out why I do what I do and why I'm so destructive for myself. I've done CBT and a few other therapy techniques. I've done meditation, journalist, art, exercise, sleeping, medication and everything else. I get better for a little bit... Only to just relapse again. I know ultimately its up to me to make right and I don't blame anyone else for the way I am.
melodic, what goes through your mind when you're near relapsing again? Is there a trigger? Perhaps something that puts too much strain on your mind? Or is it like food, that you feel you are actively fighting off a craving until you cannot anymore, and just must have a "bite"?
Or maybe is it some faulty thinking, that you end up rationalising taking that first step backwards?
Its going to sound really dumb but I'm pretty sure I know what will trigger a relapse:
It terrifies me. The thought makes me cry and when I feel someone I care about is going away or leaving I start to panic. And my coping mechanisms for that? You guessed it. Whatever harmful thing I manage to think of. Its counterproductive because these behaviors only push people farther away from me, which is exactly what I don't want.
I've figured out why, with my therapist, that I'm so scared of being alone. Having to do with my childhood and whatnot.
And none of this is to say my life sucks. I realize it could be a lot worse. I'm given the gifts to be bright enough to attend a pretty good university, a very good athlete, talented artist and have a family (though they don't understand what I'm going through and they're approach isn't that great. And they have no clue about the substances... just ED and cutting.). Its seems like the cards are in my favor... so I can't understand why I just throw everything away.