learning to like sex
okay, I admit I do enjoy it.. in theory.
I have the thoughts/temptations sometimes, but not as obsessive as most seem to. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 18 because I never felt the need to. I am not a very "horny" person in general, and I don't masturbate.
basically I enjoy sex for the anticipation, but then lose the feeling after a couple minutes.
my boyfriend gets frusterated with me because I have never had an orgasm before, and tells me that I am missing out, and that I need to, *ehem*, touch myself more so that I can reach that peak, and enjoy sex more
btw, it's not the bf either, I have been with a few guys and it's always been the same situation..
I dunno.. personally I have better things to do then make time to play with myself, or watch porn or whatever. I don't find it very enjoyable or satisfying, and kinda feel disgusted if I ever do.
so my question is: how do you learn to like sex? is there something wrong with me?
Your really young :P I wasnt that interested in sex my early 20's either...
If you dont feel like doing it, dont. There are other things to do and focus on.
Oh, and your boyfriend is probably really bad in bed >< har har har
I never learned to like sex. I just always have.
once you discover orgasm, you will feel differently ;)
i was a little like you; didn't hate sex, but enjoyed the foreplay more than the act. and then i got involved with a guy who knew what he was doing. he'd been in a long-term, committed relationship before me, was a few years older. and--yeah--i had my first orgasm with him, through oral sex. after that, i was all about it. and through that experience, i figured out how to masterbate effectively.
i guess figuring it out is a little different for everyone. i have some friends who discovered masturbation and orgasm accidentally, even before puberty, and for others, it was more work. but trust me, orgasm is worth the effort.
i'm not really into having this conversation in mixed company, but if you want to PM me (not you, lorik), i'm available.
Original Post by loriklorik:
Your really young :P I wasnt that interested in sex my early 20's either...
If you dont feel like doing it, dont. There are other things to do and focus on.
Oh, and your boyfriend is probably really bad in bed >< har har har
umm no.. like i said i've been with a couple guys and there is not really any difference.
thanks for being a dick though
uh oh. someone doesn't understand the humor of the lorik.
Original Post by pgeorgian:
i'm not really into having this conversation in mixed company, but if you want to PM me (not you, lorik), i'm available.
But.... but....*sniffles*
umm no.. like i said i've been with a couple guys and there is not really any difference.
Young college guys? >< They dont know what they doing!
pgeorgian
thanks, that is somewhat helpful... maybe i do need to spend some time on figuring stuff out; but like i've said it's difficult becuase it feels forced, or wrong, or I just don't care enough to do it.
I've heard of people not having an orgasim till their like 30! and I fear that might be me.
I can't just not do it though.. that kinda puts a damper on any relationship i'd ever have
it you feel forced or wrong doing it, then don't do it. Maybe you need more time to develop that feeling. Perhaps if you do more foreplay before doing the deed it will get you into the mood and make it easier and more pleasurable. Sex is really mental, so if you're not there mentally it won't be fun at all.
I alway liked sex... but now that I am a bit older and know my body well and have been with guys that know what they are doing I love it! haha. For me, I can orgasm just with sex, but its a lot easier if I touch myself during sex. Maybe try doing that? Your boyfriend sounds like he wants you to enjoy it so he would probably be into a little experimenting with new positions and such. Just have fun with it and try new things out.
Also - sorry if this post is TMI for anyone, lol :)
Original Post by morganbclaw:
For me, I can orgasm just with sex, but its a lot easier if I touch myself during sex. Maybe try doing that?
yes, done many times... still nothing.
I dunno, maybe I'm just not there mentally enough.. sex is really not something I "need", and I can easily go without it for long periods of time. But I feel like an outcast because the rest of the population is obsessed.
Don't get me wrong, I mean I like to feel and/or look 'sexy', and am intrigued by other attractive individuals, or competitive with girls who are "sexier" then me... but I'm un-interested in the actual act of sex for much longer then a couple minutes, making my attempts to be 'sexy' rather unproductive
I can attest to so many guys who truly aren't aware of what they're doing. They get a woman slightly turned on and then think it's time to go for it...wrong! (Men and women generally have different approaches for sex...men are more like light switches and women are more like a pot put on to boil) Seriously, stop having sex until after you've started having orgasms it truly makes it better for both partners and the men learn how to please their partner instead of just themselves. Buy a vibrator if need be (PM me if you want recommendations), a couple how to manuals and read them yourself so you'll have a better idea of what your options are.
Original Post by carmenxox:
Original Post by morganbclaw:
For me, I can orgasm just with sex, but its a lot easier if I touch myself during sex. Maybe try doing that?
yes, done many times... still nothing.
I dunno, maybe I'm just not there mentally enough.. sex is really not something I "need", and I can easily go without it for long periods of time. But I feel like an outcast because the rest of the population is obsessed.
Don't get me wrong, I mean I like to feel and/or look 'sexy', and am intrigued by other attractive individuals, or competitive with girls who are "sexier" then me... but I'm un-interested in the actual act of sex for much longer then a couple minutes, making my attempts to be 'sexy' rather unproductive
First, I think it takes guts to be willing to put this topic out there. Kudos to you for that.
It sounds like the issue here is more about your drive to have sex, which I don't think is necessarily related to the fact that you've never had an orgasm. In fact, I think you may have never had an orgasm for the same reason that you've never felt especially driven to have sex. I apologize for probbing, but were you sexually active before your ED? Losing a lot of weight has significant consequences for your sex drive. Beyond that, many things can make it difficult to be intimate, both with yourself and with a partner. My guess is that you're onto something when you say that you're not "there" mentally. Intimacy can be scary, particularly for people who have a lot of judgmental thoughts about their bodies. From reading your profile, it sounds like this may be something you've struggled with? If you've taken a judgmental stance towards your own body, it can be really really hard to feel OK "letting go" in intimate situations. Maybe your mind is caught up in doing a lot of monitoring of your body or just in lots of thoughts in general. And when your mind is really busy, it makes it pretty difficult to "show up" to sex. Sometimes our minds get busy in order to avoid taking part in something that is scary. Maybe letting go means settling into your body in a way that you're not accustomed to doing.
At the moment, it doesn't sound like intimacy problems are interferring with your relationships. If it continues, however, it may be worth taking some time to look at.
Please check out this article. It's kind of long, but it is worth reading the whole thing. It really puts female desire in a new perspective.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25 desire-t.html
And in case you don't read it, one of the more interesting ideas (IMO) is that being 'turned on' for women (some women, I guess) has more to do with being desired than desiring.
I got more into sex as I got older. When I was in my 20s it was just something I got drunk and did. Now I'm like "WHERE IS THE PENIS"
If your boyfriend reads this book: "She comes first", he will learn everything he needs to know to become more sensual. Hint, the surest way to give an orgasm is not with intercourse.
I would be very surprised if after reading it, he can't give you an orgasm. It's the best book on the subject in my opinion.
Valtor
Three things...
One, laura916 has something there. Many times an ED develops after sexual abuse. Probing the cause of the ED may uncover deeper problems with your feelings of sexuality, feelings of inhibitation, and feeling that it's okay to feel pleasure. Sometimes before, during or after an ED, your body is the "enemy" and doesn't deserve pleasure. Maybe parts of your body can't even be aroused or felt during intimate relations becuase your mind has turned them off.
Two, I once read something that is SOOOO true. For women, foreplay starts many hours before the lights go out. Picutre this. You get home from work and the house is a mess. You clean up. You make dinner. The guy complains about this and that and fusses and turns on the TV and ignores you.....then comes to bed and feels "frisky." You've got the hours leading up to the lights going out in your head... no way is your body going to open up at that point!
Three, it possible you'd rather be with a woman? Maybe sex with guys does nothing for you because you don't find them attractive in that way? Just a thought... I
Just a word of caution about overstating the link between EDs and sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is a predictor of numerous difficult outcomes, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and self-injury. ED's are just one potential outcome and sexual abuse is by no means a specific risk factor of ED's. Decreased sexual desire is an established biological implication of ED's, though clearly there are psychological links as well. So Carmen's experience is not necessarily indicative of abuse history. Even more, the same risk factors that contribute to ED's (dissatisfaction with the body, self-criticism, increased sensitivity to social pressures) may also contribute to difficulties with intimacy. Therefore, the ED itself may not necessarily be as important as other factors which are correlated with EDs.
wow, hmm laura916 might be dead on.. so much of that post made so much sense
I was never really sexually active before the ED, and during it I was probably the least sexually active person ever. A few years back I had some bad experiences at parties and have been taken advantage of by guys, nothing extreme but nonetheless.
Me and my boyfriend are quite close, and I know he thinks I'm attractive no matter what, I still do have the body issues and feel very vulnerable being exposed (physically and emotionally). He always wants the lights on, but I always turn them off, horrified by the 'unflattering' light, or maybe he'll notice something 'bad' about me. I have the vulnerable feelings emotionally too, and he gets frusterated when I can't explain myself or tell him how I feel.
When I first lost my virginity, it was more of an experiment just to see what it was like. It hurt, a lot.. and I couldnt figure out why people liked it. It hurt a few times after that too, but did get better... all the guys that I have been with have not been "small", so that could be an ouch factor.
I know that many women cannot experience orgasm through intercourse, but I don't like oral it makes me very self concious and I don't enjoy it... I like manual stimulation the best, but I can't do it myself, it "doesn't work"
the thought of being with a woman has never really crossed my mind, but it could perhaps be "easier" since we have the same body parts and those insecure feelings may diminish if I see that my body is okay and normal
Original Post by loriklorik:
umm no.. like i said i've been with a couple guys and there is not really any difference.Young college guys? >< They dont know what they doing!
then you haven't met my husband--who knew what he was doing from the first time we had sex (and he had only had sex a couple of times with his first girlfriend before I lost my virginity to him), and he was only 15.
Some guys are just that intuitive. ^~ I got lucky I found one who was! It's no wonder why I am completely satisfied and have no thoughts about what it would be like being with other guys.
Original Post by armandleg:
Original Post by loriklorik:
umm no.. like i said i've been with a couple guys and there is not really any difference.Young college guys? >< They dont know what they doing!
then you haven't met my husband--who knew what he was doing from the first time we had sex (and he had only had sex a couple of times with his first girlfriend before I lost my virginity to him), and he was only 15.
Some guys are just that intuitive. ^~ I got lucky I found one who was! It's no wonder why I am completely satisfied and have no thoughts about what it would be like being with other guys.
agreed.. all the guys that I have been with have had lots of experience, and have had girlfriends, and have given girls orgasms before (just not me)
I think it's rather rude to jump to conclusions and generalize young guys, and say that they don't know what their doing.. seems rather ignorant.
surely everyone gets better with time, but lets not go bashing others
