The Lounge
Moderators: spoiled_candy, nomoreexcuses, Mollybygolly, peaches0405


I love him but he makes me feel bad about myself.


Quote  |  Reply

My boyfriend is a nice guy but not the most sensitive. He is also a big believer in full disclosure. When we first started dating he shared with me his deep attraction to very thin woman. I don't mean svelte, I mean ballerina thin, Olive Oil thin, 2 x 4 thin. In other words... something I'll never be. It bothered me then but over the years that simple fact started to work at my self esteem greatly. When I lost my job I got a little depressed and gained some weight, and that's when his ogling started in ernest. It's almost as if he feels like because of my extra lbs he has permission to eye f*%k every thin woman he sees. I won't lie. It's killing me inside. The worst part is when I try to talk to him about it calmly, he flips out and shuts me down. He says I'm just insecure( well duh!) and imagining things (def not). I have been killing myself my whole life to achieve my version of thin, but with my body composition a healthy weight is about all I can hope for. Now I have this man who is attracted to something I can never be, telling me with his mouth that "you look fine" but looking over my shoulder at the Twiggy type behind me. He def does not think I "look fine". We hardly ever have sex anymore and I'm always initiating it, plus he always covers me up and closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at me. I don't even know how to process that, except to get upset and cry. I'm tired of crying though, and I'm tired of not feeling good enough. I don't even go places with him anymore because his constant looking is hurting me so much. I do love him and I've spent the last year telling myself it was my fault for gaining the weight. But that's not right is it? We've been together too long to just cut and run, but I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. If he wanted a skinny girl why did he ask me out to begin with? That question is just killing me.

21 Replies (last)

Judging by your picture you ARE thin!

That makes me think that it could be your self esteem/insecurities that's making you feel like he's looking elsewhere.

 Are you sure he's intentionally covering you up and closing his eyes?! That seems very bizarre to me.

You absolutely should not feel like it's your fault, and if he's making you feel bad about yourself (especially if it's intentionally) you should consider leaving the relationship.

Have you mentioned any of this to him? If not, you need to asap.

Original Post by esea497170686:

My boyfriend is a nice guy but not the most sensitive. He is also a big believer in full disclosure. When we first started dating he shared with me his deep attraction to very thin woman. I don't mean svelte, I mean ballerina thin, Olive Oil thin, 2 x 4 thin. In other words... something I'll never be. It bothered me then but over the years that simple fact started to work at my self esteem greatly. When I lost my job I got a little depressed and gained some weight, and that's when his ogling started in ernest. It's almost as if he feels like because of my extra lbs he has permission to eye f*%k every thin woman he sees. I won't lie. It's killing me inside. The worst part is when I try to talk to him about it calmly, he flips out and shuts me down. He says I'm just insecure( well duh!) and imagining things (def not). I have been killing myself my whole life to achieve my version of thin, but with my body composition a healthy weight is about all I can hope for. Now I have this man who is attracted to something I can never be, telling me with his mouth that "you look fine" but looking over my shoulder at the Twiggy type behind me. He def does not think I "look fine". We hardly ever have sex anymore and I'm always initiating it, plus he always covers me up and closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at me. I don't even know how to process that, except to get upset and cry. I'm tired of crying though, and I'm tired of not feeling good enough. I don't even go places with him anymore because his constant looking is hurting me so much. I do love him and I've spent the last year telling myself it was my fault for gaining the weight. But that's not right is it? We've been together too long to just cut and run, but I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. If he wanted a skinny girl why did he ask me out to begin with? That question is just killing me.


Oh, Honey.

Of course this is NOT your fault. Your guy may have kind of a fetish from the sound of things, and it could quite possibly be an unhealthy fixation for him.

Obviously, no one should ever expect you to drastically change your appearance, nor should you feel pressured into doing so.

Some guys like huuuuge breasts, but that's no reason to run out and get double G implants, right?

And some might love women who weigh 500 pounds..again not something to try for.

I suppose the bottom line here is..do you see him changing? Would he be open to really talking about the problems you're having, or maybe even go to a couples counselor with you?

If you don't think he's going to be open to communicating or working through this, then I think you may need to cut ties and go your own way.

You can't keep someone in your life who brings you nothing but pain.

Life is too short, and death is too long.

 

Soooo....break up with him. If it was your sister, or your best friend in this situation, and you told her to break up with him, and her response was "but I love him! we've been together for so long I can't just cut and run!" Would you ever think that was an acceptable answer? No, you'd tell her she deserves better, and you'd help her build up her self esteem so she can break up with the jerk.

So why aren't you treating yourself with the same compassion you'd give a friend or sister? Obviously this guy cares very little for you, so I don't understand why you're expending so much energy on a guy who could care less about your existence.

Wake up girl, this guy is not the guy for you. There are plenty of men out there who *gasp* actually care about their women, and don't overtly disrespect them with passive aggressive games and nonsense.

Original Post by vonapathy:

Soooo....break up with him. If it was your sister, or your best friend in this situation, and you told her to break up with him, and her response was "but I love him! we've been together for so long I can't just cut and run!" Would you ever think that was an acceptable answer? No, you'd tell her she deserves better, and you'd help her build up her self esteem so she can break up with the jerk.

So why aren't you treating yourself with the same compassion you'd give a friend or sister? Obviously this guy cares very little for you, so I don't understand why you're expending so much energy on a guy who could care less about your existence.

Wake up girl, this guy is not the guy for you. There are plenty of men out there who *gasp* actually care about their women, and don't overtly disrespect them with passive aggressive games and nonsense.


Damn Skippy!

Don't waste your time with this one when you could be meeting the one who is right for you, and a good man.

If a guy won't even talk about your relationship issues, how could you possibly depend on them in the longterm?

 

I have a feeling he's intentionally encouraging your insecurity to prevent you from bailing on him...  which is exactly what I suggest you do. 

You are lovely.  And I agree with vonapathy...  if it was someone else, you would be telling them they deserve better, I'm sure. 

You know this situation isn't right. 

Original Post by raychelc:

Original Post by vonapathy:

Soooo....break up with him. If it was your sister, or your best friend in this situation, and you told her to break up with him, and her response was "but I love him! we've been together for so long I can't just cut and run!" Would you ever think that was an acceptable answer? No, you'd tell her she deserves better, and you'd help her build up her self esteem so she can break up with the jerk.

So why aren't you treating yourself with the same compassion you'd give a friend or sister? Obviously this guy cares very little for you, so I don't understand why you're expending so much energy on a guy who could care less about your existence.

Wake up girl, this guy is not the guy for you. There are plenty of men out there who *gasp* actually care about their women, and don't overtly disrespect them with passive aggressive games and nonsense.


Damn Skippy!

Don't waste your time with this one when you could be meeting the one who is right for you, and a good man.

If a guy won't even talk about your relationship issues, how could you possibly depend on them in the longterm?

 

totally agree. 

Original Post by esea497170686:

We've been together too long to just cut and run, but I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life.

I've never quite understood why the longevity of a relationship should make someone feel trapped.

Nobody's suggesting you "cut and run", but what is called for is you calmly, rationally, evaluating what it best for you, and doing what you need to do in the most honest and forthright manner possible.

And, I have to say, it appears you may need to cut your losses if your description of his reactions and behavior is accurate.  Whether it's intentional or not, it's controlling behavior, and you shouldn't feel bound to tolerate it just because of a time investment.

His preference is his preference - you will not be able to change that.  You only have control over what you do, and I'm pretty sure you know what that needs to be.

Good luck to you, and all the best.

**** him :D dude, you look so darn attractive and if hes making you feel you aren't then screw him and get single; I promise you that you won't be short of offers.

My bf is sometimes the same but I can't really blame him- he tells me constantly I'm beautiful, but he's anorexic, so his wall is covered in pictures of models (make and female) all stick thin. He comments admiringly on people, mainly girls, on the street, how he likes how they dress and their style etc- and its not at all sexual, it's just that they're all totally stick thin and its what he automatically finds attractive.

In the same way, his favourite habits are rubbing my hip bone or counting my ribs- you get the message it gives, it makes recovery kind of scary (though he's totally protective and supportive of me, he tells me off if I restrict and makes me eat enough)

I can't really say I know how this feels for you, because my bf doesn't sound like a total d*ck like yours, but I DO know how it feels to feel disgusting, and this guy is being a totally knowing and deliberate trigger- he sounds like a *very colourful swear word* AND NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!

In summary, DUMP HIS CREEPY A*SE AND FIND THE MILLIONS OF OTHER MEN THAT WOULD GLADLY KILL TO SEE YOU NAKED :D

going by your picture i really can't imagine that you would have any problems at all finding a nice guy, so why stay with a not so nice one!

Judging by your picture you seem to be at an absolutely perfect weight.

 

If your bf is too stupid to realize it... you should probably dump him and find someone who is more appreciative and supportive.

I'm not going to bother telling you that you are at a nice weight and are very pretty and attractive.  It won't help because I'm not the person you love and look to for validation and comfort.

What I will say is that a person who is willing to treat you this way and make you feel so bad has something going on with himself that you cannot fix or remedy.  Sadly, I don't think you could ever lose enough weight to keep him from ogling other women and being insensitive and cruel. 

Your health (both mental and physical) is a priority.  His preference for rail thin women is not so much.  If he aches for them so, he should be an adult and a decent one enough to let you go and pursue them rather than making you so miserable.  You don't owe it to him to develop an eating disorder or hit a certain number on the scale.  You do owe it to yourself to look out for you and do what's best for yourself (again, both mentally and physically).

You are just as important as he is.  How you feel, your happiness, your needs and wants, all are of equal importance.  But you can't expect him to act like they are if you don't. 

Fact:  When a person loves you, they will make an active effort to avoid doing things that they know cause you pain and discomfort.

I find it very hard to believe that he is just completely unaware of how obvious his ogling is.  So, either he thinks it will motivate you to achieve his standard of attractiveness.  Or he just doesn't care that much.  Neither is good.

You seriously deserve better.  Please go out and get it and don't waste another minute of your youth on a guy who can't even be bothered to pretend to keep his eyeballs in his head in your presence.

I went out with someone just like that! and spent another three years of my life wasted on this guy and constantly felt **** about myself .....I  finally had enough and moved on. you will know when the time is right, hopefully sooner than later. He doesn't deserve you!! Good luck!!! 

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I'm not going to bother telling you that you are at a nice weight and are very pretty and attractive.  It won't help because I'm not the person you love and look to for validation and comfort.

What I will say is that a person who is willing to treat you this way and make you feel so bad has something going on with himself that you cannot fix or remedy.  Sadly, I don't think you could ever lose enough weight to keep him from ogling other women and being insensitive and cruel. 

Your health (both mental and physical) is a priority.  His preference for rail thin women is not so much.  If he aches for them so, he should be an adult and a decent one enough to let you go and pursue them rather than making you so miserable.  You don't owe it to him to develop an eating disorder or hit a certain number on the scale.  You do owe it to yourself to look out for you and do what's best for yourself (again, both mentally and physically).

You are just as important as he is.  How you feel, your happiness, your needs and wants, all are of equal importance.  But you can't expect him to act like they are if you don't. 

Fact:  When a person loves you, they will make an active effort to avoid doing things that they know cause you pain and discomfort.

I find it very hard to believe that he is just completely unaware of how obvious his ogling is.  So, either he thinks it will motivate you to achieve his standard of attractiveness.  Or he just doesn't care that much.  Neither is good.

You seriously deserve better.  Please go out and get it and don't waste another minute of your youth on a guy who can't even be bothered to pretend to keep his eyeballs in his head in your presence.

Not to derail...

LP-  This has is not only some awesome advice, but It really showed how much you have grown.

Original Post by armandounc:

Judging by your picture you seem to be at an absolutely perfect weight.

 

If your bf is too stupid to realize it... you should probably dump him and find someone who is more appreciative and supportive.

This.

you should not be with a man who makes you feel unattractive. ever. He covers you up and closes his eyes during sex? that is awful. that is not normal.

you'll never be his ideal. that is ok! there are PLENTY of guys out there who would find you sexy and beautiful. most men (correct me if i'm wrong guys) do not like stick figures. get out of this relationship!! 

 

What makes you think that your boyfriend is nice. The way he treats you is awful.  I wouldn't wish your relationship on my worst enemy.

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by armandounc:

Judging by your picture you seem to be at an absolutely perfect weight.

 

If your bf is too stupid to realize it... you should probably dump him and find someone who is more appreciative and supportive.

This.

you should not be with a man who makes you feel unattractive. ever. He covers you up and closes his eyes during sex? that is awful. that is not normal.

you'll never be his ideal. that is ok! there are PLENTY of guys out there who would find you sexy and beautiful. most men (correct me if i'm wrong guys) do not like stick figures. get out of this relationship!! 

 

Not to offend the overly-skinny but I have to second this. I have yet to meet a guy who goes for girls who look rail-thin.

After reading the OP, I had all kinds of words to say... but everyone's already said them.

So I'm just going to toss my hat in with them:  life is too short; if this was your sister/bff would you even like or respect the guy doing this to her, much less *love* him; you're a beautiful girl just as you are; and NO amount of time invested in a relationship is a reason to remain in a relationship. 

Breaking up is hard whether it's been 2 weeks, 2 years or 2 decades, but living feeling anything less than cherished should be a crime.

I am so completely creeped out
Sanatan... What?
Original Post by stargazer1:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I'm not going to bother telling you that you are at a nice weight and are very pretty and attractive.  It won't help because I'm not the person you love and look to for validation and comfort.

What I will say is that a person who is willing to treat you this way and make you feel so bad has something going on with himself that you cannot fix or remedy.  Sadly, I don't think you could ever lose enough weight to keep him from ogling other women and being insensitive and cruel. 

Your health (both mental and physical) is a priority.  His preference for rail thin women is not so much.  If he aches for them so, he should be an adult and a decent one enough to let you go and pursue them rather than making you so miserable.  You don't owe it to him to develop an eating disorder or hit a certain number on the scale.  You do owe it to yourself to look out for you and do what's best for yourself (again, both mentally and physically).

You are just as important as he is.  How you feel, your happiness, your needs and wants, all are of equal importance.  But you can't expect him to act like they are if you don't. 

Fact:  When a person loves you, they will make an active effort to avoid doing things that they know cause you pain and discomfort.

I find it very hard to believe that he is just completely unaware of how obvious his ogling is.  So, either he thinks it will motivate you to achieve his standard of attractiveness.  Or he just doesn't care that much.  Neither is good.

You seriously deserve better.  Please go out and get it and don't waste another minute of your youth on a guy who can't even be bothered to pretend to keep his eyeballs in his head in your presence.

Not to derail...

LP-  This has is not only some awesome advice, but It really showed how much you have grown.

Thank you, that's very kind of you to say.

21 Replies (last)
Advertisement
Advertisement
Allergy Remedies
Is It Possible to Go Natural?
The side effects of allergy medications keep some people from using them. Natural remedies can be a great alternative, but some are more effective than others.