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Major suck


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My heart is broken, I am a hormonal mess, I've gained 1000 pounds. Three fast facts about Pumpkins.

I had to break up with Nick. And as much as I know it is the right thing, it hurts. He doesn't seem to care or be phased at all..I am not really that important apparently. After all this time and work and effort, I am just as disposable to him as I am to everyone else.

Saturday, we had all these plans with the kids and at the last minute, Tiffany (his ex) called to say she wanted to see Vivian. Just like that, our plans were out the window. It hurt. It will always be that way. Even though she is a terrible mother and has done awful things, he will always jump when she says so. Payton and I will always be second place to this inconsiderate irresponsible person.

And now I am alone and hurt. And I have a bunch of unfortunate crap to do on my own. I am definitely feeling sorry for myself. My heart literally hurts. I don't know what to do. The thought of the next few weeks is miserable. I can't believe I matter so little.
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I'm sorry, pumpkins.  :(

Though you may matter little to one person, that in no way means you don't matter a lot to a lot of other people. I am sure your family and friends love you and care about you!

Also I am sure he does care. People, and men especially, react differently to break ups. Some people are very deeply affected and they show it, such as yourself. Others internalize it and hide it and build a wall around them to seem tough and unaffected (think of the movie Me, Myself & Irene, which if you haven't seen I really recommend).

Anyway don't get so down on yourself. You seem to be a wonderful person and like I said I'm sure lots of people do care for you.

Something I learned is that our self worth is not defined by who does or does not "want" us. We are worthy enough for ourselves; we always will be. 

He is dealing with this rejection by being cool, distant, and unaffected. Kudos to him. Good-bye. 

Your resilience throughout your life has been proven. You are strong, but it would be easier to give up, to let things overwhelm you, to beat up on yourself. Don't fall into the trap. Do you know how to get yourself better? Would you be willing to do one of these things?

I'm sorry things are still so tough on you. Gather some friends around you. It helps.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

My heart is broken, I am a hormonal mess, I've gained 1000 pounds. Three fast facts about Pumpkins.

I had to break up with Nick. And as much as I know it is the right thing, it hurts. He doesn't seem to care or be phased at all..I am not really that important apparently. After all this time and work and effort, I am just as disposable to him as I am to everyone else.

Saturday, we had all these plans with the kids and at the last minute, Tiffany (his ex) called to say she wanted to see Vivian. Just like that, our plans were out the window. It hurt. It will always be that way. Even though she is a terrible mother and has done awful things, he will always jump when she says so. Payton and I will always be second place to this inconsiderate irresponsible person.

And now I am alone and hurt. And I have a bunch of unfortunate crap to do on my own. I am definitely feeling sorry for myself. My heart literally hurts. I don't know what to do. The thought of the next few weeks is miserable. I can't believe I matter so little.

If you two have had a break up/make up cycle, he may not really believe it's over? Maybe it hasn't sunken in?

I'm sure you matter.

But you know..this time period is just really going to suck. Keep it concrete and don't talk to him no matter what, and turn to your friends and family, and us..whenever you need support, or just to vent.

We're here, and we certainly think you matter quite a bit!

By the way..I applaud your very wise decision.

 

You know what you need to do, and you also know you have support here.  I know it's not the same as face to face, but we are here nonetheless.  If you want to talk further about your next decisions, message me.  I've been there.

Like Kel said, hug your son.  He knows you are hurting, and will want to help.

Love to both of you.

 

#6  
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((((pumpkins))))

Pumpkin,

You are Peyton's world and soon you will be the world for the new baby. You are the pillar of your family right now.

You matter!

If Nick doesn't realize that, he soon will. If he doesn't, he does not deserve being around you.

Sorry to hear pumpkins.  Perhaps a very wise move on your behalf.  Yes, sucks but as the others have said, you are a very strong person.  You will weather this.

Yikes. You decided to have an abortion, blackened his eye and broke up with him. That's a mighty full week.

What is the root feeling through all of it? Lay aside the shame and guilt you're feeling over what you've done, forget his actions and concentrate only on your responses, and think honestly about what it is you really want -  how you want to live the rest of your life, what kind of human being you want to be.

The choice is, and has always been, yours.

To be honest with you, I understand his ability to forgive the violence, but I also understand his lack of concern over the break up. I'd be somewhat ambivalent too. The good news is, you can both move on.

Please, please continue to pursue counseling.

I want him to be okay without me, but I'd also like to think that I mattered or made a difference in some way that he will notice now that I'm gone.  I shouldn't think about that, it shouldn't matter, but it's just really hard to understand how I could be such a frequent part of someones life for this length of time and it be so easy for them to write me off.  I think I handled the break up (that I initiated), in a good way.  I expressed that I cared about him and Vivi and was grateful for the time we spent together...and he said nothing.  Wow.  Smack in the face, punch in the gut, all of those things. 

I am also embarassed and feel very foolish.  Yes, I did things that I shouldn't have and that I regret...but I also did a lot to show that I loved about him.  Baby sitting Vivian, rearranging and cleaning her whole room (a two hour project), putting up flyers for his dog when he went missing, cooking him dinner and cleaning his house often, taking care of his dogs when he was out of town.  It's like it didn't even matter.  I'm still not lovable.  I feel like an idiot.  It makes me wince when I think about it.

I think I have a preoccupation with mattering to people.

Thank you guys for all the support and nice words.  I'm hoping to get over this quickly.  My son's birthday is this weekend...and then mine in a few weeks (can't say I am excited at all for that...).  I have a lot to keep me busy, which is good I guess, but I'm really not feeling all that motivated to do anything.

I'm a little bit behind on recent events, but I just wanted to say this.

Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused and starting to feel hopeless (and helpless) and I can't see how it's all supposed to work out, I stop trying to figure it all out.

I just focus on the very next best thing I need to do at this moment and nothing more.

Once I've done that, however simple it might be, like eat breakfast, then I just think about the very next best thing I can do right now.

This keeps me in the moment and allows me to step outside of the emotional turmoil until whatever solution I'm searching for presents itself. It doesn't really matter how long that takes, as long as I keep doing the very next thing I can do for my best interests.

What's the very next thing you can do for your best interests right now?

Original Post by lostpumpkins: I'm still not lovable. 

This is the foundational lie you've bought into which is feeding all the dysfunction.

{{{pumpkins}}}

I wish I could help you know how precious and beautiful and worthy you are. No one else who has ever existed can see the world with your eyes. No one else has ever or can ever speak with your voice.  The world needs you, needs your perspective.  Your little boy knows what it feels like to be loved by you, his wonderful mother.  If only you could know what that feels like too...

All I can do is hope that you will decide to find unconditional love within yourself. No matter what it takes.

#13  
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Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

Original Post by lostpumpkins: I'm still not lovable. 

This is the foundational lie you've bought into which is feeding all the dysfunction.

{{{pumpkins}}}

I wish I could help you know how precious and beautiful and worthy you are. No one else who has ever existed can see the world with your eyes. No one else has ever or can ever speak with your voice.  The world needs you, needs your perspective.  Your little boy knows what it feels like to be loved by you, his wonderful mother.  If only you could know what that feels like too...

All I can do is hope that you will decide to find unconditional love within yourself. No matter what it takes.

Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes. (((Nomo)))

Original Post by luvs2eat:

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

Original Post by lostpumpkins: I'm still not lovable. 

This is the foundational lie you've bought into which is feeding all the dysfunction.

{{{pumpkins}}}

I wish I could help you know how precious and beautiful and worthy you are. No one else who has ever existed can see the world with your eyes. No one else has ever or can ever speak with your voice.  The world needs you, needs your perspective.  Your little boy knows what it feels like to be loved by you, his wonderful mother.  If only you could know what that feels like too...

All I can do is hope that you will decide to find unconditional love within yourself. No matter what it takes.

Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes. (((Nomo)))

Yeah, me too...not really appropriate at work.

Today sucks.  I just want to go home and go to bed. 

I'm never doing this again.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I want him to be okay without me, but I'd also like to think that I mattered or made a difference in some way that he will notice now that I'm gone.  I shouldn't think about that, it shouldn't matter, but it's just really hard to understand how I could be such a frequent part of someones life for this length of time and it be so easy for them to write me off.  I think I handled the break up (that I initiated), in a good way.  I expressed that I cared about him and Vivi and was grateful for the time we spent together...and he said nothing.  Wow.  Smack in the face, punch in the gut, all of those things. 

I am also embarassed and feel very foolish.  Yes, I did things that I shouldn't have and that I regret...but I also did a lot to show that I loved about him.  Baby sitting Vivian, rearranging and cleaning her whole room (a two hour project), putting up flyers for his dog when he went missing, cooking him dinner and cleaning his house often, taking care of his dogs when he was out of town.  It's like it didn't even matter.  I'm still not lovable.  I feel like an idiot.  It makes me wince when I think about it.

I think I have a preoccupation with mattering to people.

Thank you guys for all the support and nice words.  I'm hoping to get over this quickly.  My son's birthday is this weekend...and then mine in a few weeks (can't say I am excited at all for that...).  I have a lot to keep me busy, which is good I guess, but I'm really not feeling all that motivated to do anything.


Someone made me feel the very same way once..and for a long time, too.

Trust me, we're loveable.

We are.

It's them....they suck.

They don't know how to care or appreciate someone, and they are not worthy of all the wonderful things we did and gave to them.

Trust me, it gets better.

You're strong, and you can do this.

xoxo

Original Post by raychelc:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I want him to be okay without me, but I'd also like to think that I mattered or made a difference in some way that he will notice now that I'm gone.  I shouldn't think about that, it shouldn't matter, but it's just really hard to understand how I could be such a frequent part of someones life for this length of time and it be so easy for them to write me off.  I think I handled the break up (that I initiated), in a good way.  I expressed that I cared about him and Vivi and was grateful for the time we spent together...and he said nothing.  Wow.  Smack in the face, punch in the gut, all of those things. 

I am also embarassed and feel very foolish.  Yes, I did things that I shouldn't have and that I regret...but I also did a lot to show that I loved about him.  Baby sitting Vivian, rearranging and cleaning her whole room (a two hour project), putting up flyers for his dog when he went missing, cooking him dinner and cleaning his house often, taking care of his dogs when he was out of town.  It's like it didn't even matter.  I'm still not lovable.  I feel like an idiot.  It makes me wince when I think about it.

I think I have a preoccupation with mattering to people.

Thank you guys for all the support and nice words.  I'm hoping to get over this quickly.  My son's birthday is this weekend...and then mine in a few weeks (can't say I am excited at all for that...).  I have a lot to keep me busy, which is good I guess, but I'm really not feeling all that motivated to do anything.


Someone made me feel the very same way once..and for a long time, too.

Trust me, we're loveable.

We are.

It's them....they suck.

They don't know how to care or appreciate someone, and they are not worthy of all the wonderful things we did and gave to them.

Trust me, it gets better.

You're strong, and you can do this.

xoxo

Thank you for saying that and relating.

It's hard not to internalize it though.  It's like, if I did all of that, and tried so hard, and he still didn't care...wow.  Makes me feel so disposable.  I'm trying really hard not to picture him living it up, dating other people, doing a victory dance in the street for being free of me...but that's exactly what I'm picturing.  And here I am, sad and suffering and feeling so rejected.

I'm also really trying to control my anger.  When I am hurt, I get angry.  And when I get angry, I need to express it...and I want to express it to him.  That isn't productive or healthy or a good idea.  Still want to do it, so I'm fighting that urge.

Gonna be a long few weeks, I can feel it.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

...

It's hard not to internalize it though.  It's like, if I did all of that, and tried so hard, and he still didn't care...wow.  Makes me feel so disposable.  I'm trying really hard not to picture him living it up, dating other people, doing a victory dance in the street for being free of me...but that's exactly what I'm picturing.  And here I am, sad and suffering and feeling so rejected.

I'm also really trying to control my anger.  When I am hurt, I get angry.  And when I get angry, I need to express it...and I want to express it to him.  That isn't productive or healthy or a good idea.  Still want to do it, so I'm fighting that urge.

It's actually like, if you did all of that, and tried your best, and he's had a dysfunctional past too, so he may not have been able to understand how much you were giving, (or even how much it meant to him - pro's and con's) which made it look like he didn't care, even though that's highly unlikely.  It's very likely that he can't articulate anything you might want to hear, if he could even identify it for himself. 

You have abandonment issues, which I think you've discussed here before? So this kind of scenario is going to keep playing out until you resolve it.  You now have a chance to work on healing your own heart that was broken way before you met him.  Right?

 

 

 

LP, I'm really sorry that you're going through a hard time, but you will get passed this. As for trying so hard and getting no where in the relationship, unfortunately, that happens. A lot. It doesn't mean that you're not lovable, it just means it wasn't meant to be.

Not everything is meant to be...even if we try our hardest at it.  I don't think that's a negative statement, but rather it means that it's NOT our faults when things don't work out. 

I've been in a relationship that I tried, and tried to make work for a couple years only to be left with depression when it didn't work. I wasted 2 years of my life being miserable over it, instead of moving on. I just told my brother yesterday that I wish I would have gone to counseling to get over that relationship quicker. I'm married now, and love my husband, but the wounds still hurt. Not from anything the ex did, but for me wasting so much time on him and thinking about how he "made" me feel.  Now I know that he never made me feel a damn thing. It was always me that made me feel like siht.

I can relate to how ou feel, but I promise there is someone that is going to make you feel loved. And if you're at all like me, sometimes you'll think to yourself: "How can this guy love me this much?".  I guess the negative thinking still pop up here, and there, but it's nothing like the past. It can be like that for you, too.

(((LP)))

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

Original Post by raychelc:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I want him to be okay without me, but I'd also like to think that I mattered or made a difference in some way that he will notice now that I'm gone.  I shouldn't think about that, it shouldn't matter, but it's just really hard to understand how I could be such a frequent part of someones life for this length of time and it be so easy for them to write me off.  I think I handled the break up (that I initiated), in a good way.  I expressed that I cared about him and Vivi and was grateful for the time we spent together...and he said nothing.  Wow.  Smack in the face, punch in the gut, all of those things. 

I am also embarassed and feel very foolish.  Yes, I did things that I shouldn't have and that I regret...but I also did a lot to show that I loved about him.  Baby sitting Vivian, rearranging and cleaning her whole room (a two hour project), putting up flyers for his dog when he went missing, cooking him dinner and cleaning his house often, taking care of his dogs when he was out of town.  It's like it didn't even matter.  I'm still not lovable.  I feel like an idiot.  It makes me wince when I think about it.

I think I have a preoccupation with mattering to people.

Thank you guys for all the support and nice words.  I'm hoping to get over this quickly.  My son's birthday is this weekend...and then mine in a few weeks (can't say I am excited at all for that...).  I have a lot to keep me busy, which is good I guess, but I'm really not feeling all that motivated to do anything.


Someone made me feel the very same way once..and for a long time, too.

Trust me, we're loveable.

We are.

It's them....they suck.

They don't know how to care or appreciate someone, and they are not worthy of all the wonderful things we did and gave to them.

Trust me, it gets better.

You're strong, and you can do this.

xoxo

Thank you for saying that and relating.

It's hard not to internalize it though.  It's like, if I did all of that, and tried so hard, and he still didn't care...wow.  Makes me feel so disposable.  I'm trying really hard not to picture him living it up, dating other people, doing a victory dance in the street for being free of me...but that's exactly what I'm picturing.  And here I am, sad and suffering and feeling so rejected.

I'm also really trying to control my anger.  When I am hurt, I get angry.  And when I get angry, I need to express it...and I want to express it to him.  That isn't productive or healthy or a good idea.  Still want to do it, so I'm fighting that urge.

Gonna be a long few weeks, I can feel it.


Yeah, I wish I could tell you differently, but yeah..no, it's going to really suck.

Do what you can for your stress. Write in a journal, take a bath, go have your hair or nails done..do something nice with your child..you know, just..take care of you, and try to stay busy with good, healthy things.

As for your difficult choice, I've also been there, so I know how hard that is.

It can only be uphill from here, right? One day at a time, one hour at a time..handle what you need to, and you can begin to leave this behind you.

I know the feeling of abandonment..that sense of meaning so little...but I promise the problem lies with him and not with you.

That may not help to hear, but it's still true, and you cannot fix him. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed this outcome one bit.

That's sad..for him.

You deserve better, and when the time comes, you will find it. One day you WILL look back on this and wonder what you were thinking of to be so upset over him!

It may be a long time from now, but it will happen.

I promise.

 

(Reporting on my progress or lack thereof is helpful.)

I did something stupid yesterday.

I figure, okay, best if we aren't friends on Facebook.  I wasn't trying to be sassy or mean, I just didn't want to see anything and vice versa.  However, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to delete someone on Facebook on the mobile app.  I went to his page (not really expecting to see anything, because he doesn't really use it much) and right there at the top is a comment from a friend of his I've never met.  "Don't want to scare your girlfriend, but I'm coming home in a few weeks and we should all hang out."

Apparently, because I've dated him for 6 months and haven't met his friends, they think I am either stuck up or scared of them.  And that I keep him from hanging out with them.  None of that is true.  And I'm sure he's said and done things to confirm their suspicions.  It just ticked me off and I overreacted and...well, I replied.  And not so nicely.  These people don't know me...why are they leaving public comments referring directly to me like that?  It's rude.  If they wanted to meet me, they sure aren't sending friendly vibes that indicate that.

I shouldn't have responded...but like I said, I was angry...and it seemed so convenient.

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