Need to get some BS off my chest

My family is driving me nuts. This whole saga started 2-3 years ago when my dad (an alcoholic) got lit and allegedly threatened to shoot my brother. He pleaded guilty to the charges and is on probation. While on probation he is not allowed to go home to the family farm because he has to stay away from my brother. A bunch of other crap has gone on since and my dad is getting really worn down. He already has incredibly bad arthritis which has moved into his spine.

So now the bank is forcing them to make a deal on the farm for one to take it or the other but my dad is a pathological liar so I have no idea what the deal is or if there is one, there has been about 7 but apparently my bro keeps changing his mind??

So my sister texted me today and said she thinks dad is dying. Apparently he told her he has to go for a bone marrow test.

Then he called me to talk about moving the rest of the stuff out of the farm and started talking about his models, and then started crying because he wants to give them to his future grand kids (aka my kids. I don't have any yet). Then he hangs up.

I know a lot of this is just his extreme depression aggravated by all the alcohol but its all really starting to get to me. I try so hard to keep positive and keep my life on track but its so hard.

I actually thought today that it would be easier if I was an alcoholic too because then I could just get drunk and pass out and forget about it, or get the courage to tell my brother just how deeply he has ripped our family apart.

Meanwhile my mom is super-depressed right now too (they are separated) because she keeps going back to this toxic man who just breaks her heart over and over again. Plus menopause is making her crazy.

I feel like I have no one to turn to and I just don't know what to do about all this BS anymore. There's nothing I can do but I just want it all to go away. I wish I just grew up in a normal stable family without all these problems.

To make matters worse tomorrow is my birthday and I was really looking forward to it, but as usual my dad calls the night before and gets me really upset.

I've already changed my dinner to junk and eaten extra cheese I shouldn't. I really was in control of this til now and I really just want to binge on whatever we have. I need help to stay strong and I just need to know what I should do....

sorry...I just saw "chest" and thought I'd check ya out to see if this was a boob related thread...

...I got nothin...

oh man. i'm on my way out. just want to say quickly i absolutely relate to your grief (around a less than ideal family), and your ongoing frustration, feeling pulled into shenanigan after shenanigan, feeling obliged to fix it all. the ****, painful thing is you can't fix anyone.

you have a right to your own life.

don't want to be glib. what's worked for me (sometimes) in at least calming down is sweating it out. take your running shoes or bike or whatever and pound it out until you're too tired to care.

tomorrow, have a birthday. spend it with people who don't hurt you.

Original Post by caloricat:

sorry...I just saw "chest" and thought I'd check ya out to see if this was a boob related thread...

...I got nothin...

Good for a laugh at least :)

Sorry I got nothin in the chest dept that is interesting anyways... other than my extreme fear that I will have no boobs once I drop my bf to 25% or lower :)

I had an alcoholic mother and believe me,  I think there may be something to that genetic predisposition stuff... I try to be careful myself now.. I didn't have a normal family either, but somehow I managed and now life has really evened out.  But then again, I am pretty old.

You have a whole lot of sht going on.. no doubt.. and venting is a good catharsis but you might need real help.   Sometimes a good place to start is with your regular doctor..just take a step.

I would like to say Happy Birthday,, treat yourself.  When all is said and done.. the only person that you can depend on is the one in the mirror..

Wish I could do more.

Original Post by amwick:

I had an alcoholic mother and believe me,  I think there may be something to that genetic predisposition stuff... I try to be careful myself now.. I didn't have a normal family either, but somehow I managed and now life has really evened out.  But then again, I am pretty old.

You have a whole lot of sht going on.. no doubt.. and venting is a good catharsis but you might need real help.   Sometimes a good place to start is with your regular doctor..just take a step.

I would like to say Happy Birthday,, treat yourself.  When all is said and done.. the only person that you can depend on is the one in the mirror..

Wish I could do more.

Yah this is totally out of character for me. I don't even drink. I don't even like alcohol. It was just one crazy thought. But the genetic predisposition is totally correct since I have had addictions to: codeine, niccotine, excercising and not-eating. Those are all the ones I have recognized. All my family have addictions to something. I have been so good not being the one... glad to know you are normal even if you are old... gives me hope I'll still be normal when I'm old.

I wanted to ask why you think I need to see my Dr?

Original Post by janelovesjam:

you have a right to your own life.

this.

they are not your responsibility, and you can't make them change. all you can do is live your life the best way you know how.

are you independent?

Original Post by wtfrail:

Original Post by amwick:

I had an alcoholic mother and believe me,  I think there may be something to that genetic predisposition stuff... I try to be careful myself now.. I didn't have a normal family either, but somehow I managed and now life has really evened out.  But then again, I am pretty old.

You have a whole lot of sht going on.. no doubt.. and venting is a good catharsis but you might need real help.   Sometimes a good place to start is with your regular doctor..just take a step.

I would like to say Happy Birthday,, treat yourself.  When all is said and done.. the only person that you can depend on is the one in the mirror..

Wish I could do more.

Yah this is totally out of character for me. I don't even drink. I don't even like alcohol. It was just one crazy thought. But the genetic predisposition is totally correct since I have had addictions to: codeine, niccotine, excercising and not-eating. Those are all the ones I have recognized. All my family have addictions to something. I have been so good not being the one... glad to know you are normal even if you are old... gives me hope I'll still be normal when I'm old.

I wanted to ask why you think I need to see my Dr?

Only if you felt so stressed that you wanted more professional help.. they could point you in the right direction, a referral.  It seems a non-threatening first step.. but the suggestion about running might work just as well... When I get stressed I either go shopping or withdraw into my kindle.

Alcoholism really fcks things up.. My brother had to get treatment.  My mother was in 3 separate times.. I am a social drinker, but it is always in the back of my head.

One thing I learned here was how many calories in different drinks.. an eye opener so there is added incentive to cut back.. but I still have wine now and then in the afternoon. 

I am independent. I am 27 and married. Normally I just bawl in hubby's lap but he is working like 60 hrs a week lately and just got home when he got called back out for another machine that broke.  (not that I have a meltdown like this often. this is like a every 3 months thing or so, I don't even cry once a month (unless I watch sad movies))

I just checked out Al-Anon programs in the area. I missed today's meeting but I might go in tomorrow AM. Just to see if I like it. I spent a lot of time at AA with my mom which really gave me the fear of alcohol and a guiding light in my life in terms of the slogans and serenity prayer and the YTT poem.

And like I said, I don't drink. Because I see every day what I can turn into.

I really need to stop answering the phone but I feel so guilty. I have a serious pleaser issue where I don't want to disappoint anyone or let anyone down... (maybe I do need help..)  so as a result I can't not pick up the phone because I just feel guilty, and its possible that the phone call is something innocent like to tell me about a new calf or something.

Original Post by wtfrail:

Good for a laugh at least :)  HA!  Take that clique!

Sorry I got nothin in the chest dept that is interesting anyways...   I'll be the judge of that.

Check out Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. Those are the first places to start.

Original Post by caloricat:

Original Post by wtfrail:

Good for a laugh at least :)  HA!  Take that clique!

Sorry I got nothin in the chest dept that is interesting anyways...   I'll be the judge of that.

 

I KNEW there was a good reason I hadn't posted my before pics (aka the ones I took last week) yet.

Seriously though. Thanks.

Original Post by wtfrail:

I really need to stop answering the phone but I feel so guilty. I have a serious pleaser issue where I don't want to disappoint anyone or let anyone down... (maybe I do need help..)  so as a result I can't not pick up the phone because I just feel guilty, and its possible that the phone call is something innocent like to tell me about a new calf or something.

you don't have to completely cut yourself off from family to be okay. it's okay to pick up the phone, get the sense of where the conversation is going, and end it. it's also okay to tell your family that you won't pick up after 9pm (or whenever) or to say that you're available once a week at a specific time, if that works. you can set boundaries around which conversations you're willing to have in order to keep from getting sucked-in to family conflicts and drama.

al-anon can help you set boundaries, but they can also be pretty hard-line about it, so be prepared for that.

and being a pleaser is pretty typical for adult children of alcoholics/addicts. you learned as a kid to try to keep the peace, to try to promote calm. it was an impossible task, but as kids, we're developmentally programmed to feel like the world revolves around us.

you know better now. it's not your job to make things okay for them, and you don't have the power to do that even if you try.

Thanks theview :)

I must repeat "accept the things you cannot change, accept the things you cannot change, accept the F-IN things you cannot change and STOP STRESSING ABOUT THEM!"

Ok. I'm good. Seriously though. Milk and cookies are calling me. 20 minutes til bed time. I can make it.

milk, cookies, and bed: that is some very good self-soothing ;)

Original Post by theviewfromhere:

milk, cookies, and bed: that is some very good self-soothing ;)

Don't enable me!! The only reason my willpower has lasted this long is that I know we don't have any Chips Ahoy or Decadent cookies, only stupid low cal healthy Dare stinking cookies. What a waste of a cookie lol

I just wanted to let you know that my family has been stressing me out for years. Both of my parents have now passed so that makes life a little easier (and harder, too), but otherwise I have a few strategies that have helped me deal with their BS. 

1) Do not try to fix them, even if your attempts are successful (and they almost never are) it is not your responsibility. Do not sacrifice yourself for people who do not want to help themselves. That being said, you can still love them and support them.

2) Don't let them drag you in the middle of their quarrels. Stay neutral and stay out of it.

3) If things get too crazy, take some time away from them. I know doing this seems like some sort of disloyalty to your family, but there comes a time when enough is enough. 

I have done the crying over my family thing many, many times like yourself. It is very hard to find the place between "screw them" and "I need to save them." Good luck!

Thanks again everyone

This has worked for me.  The next time someone calls you with their drama just ask them  Now what can YOU do to fix this?  Usually shuts them up because they want someone else to fix their problems.

PS Happy Birthday.

Original Post by catwalker:

Check out Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. Those are the first places to start.

/\ /\ /\
This.  I'm ACOA as well as a recovered alcoholic.  You will be amazed at how that kind of stuff has shaped your life.

My birthday was last week, and I received birthday greetings from my dentist, the dealership where I bought my car, and Best Buy.  That's it.