opposite sex friends

Whether you or your partner is male or female...do you think it is okay for your partner to have opposite sex friends while in a relationship, or married?  Why or why not? 

Personally speaking, I think it can cause potential problems regardless if it is strictly platonic.  Some may differ, but that is where I stand.   

It doesn't bug me too much. As long as they aren't spending every waking moment together, and there aren't any "benefits" involved I'm cool with it. I have a lot of guy friends that I've had for a long time (they're like brothers), and if my boyfriend wasn't comfortable with that we'd have problems. I like that I can hang with the guys and talk about dumb stuff, hang with my girls and talk about frilly stuff, and then spend time with my man talking about all the important things. I would have to give him that same trust if I expected to receive it, you know?

I'm sure it could cause problems in certain cases, but both my husband and I have friends of the opposite gender, and it hasn't caused us problems.

We have a lot of mutual friends (as we were friends with each other before we started dating), and for us it was a no-brainer that we'd become friendly, if not friends, with the people each of us knew from before, regardless of gender, so perhaps that makes a difference.

It's hard to imagine either of us wanting the other to stop being friends with a person due to their gender.  I can't think of a relationship that either of us has that would cast any doubt on where our marriage stands. That's not to say such a relationship couldn't possibly exist, it just hasn't.

absolutely.  I've always had more guy friends than girl friends (until that whole sorority thing happened...) and it has never been a problem for my relationship.  I think it's selfish to ask a partner to give up friendships because of what would ultimately be my insecurity/lack of trust.

I think forbidding a partner to have friends of a certain gender is not wise. I don't think just because you're dating someone you are allowed to govern their lives (meaning 'allow' them to have friends of x or y kind).

Neither would be your partner having friendships which are unclear (where maybe they dated at some point, or one is pinning for the other, or they are the main person they go to for advice and not you etc.).

But done responsibly, why not?

Original Post by amethystgirl:

 I can't think of a relationship that either of us has that would cast any doubt on where our marriage stands. That's not to say such a relationship couldn't possibly exist, it just hasn't.

This is where my hubby and I are as well.  We both have plenty of opposite sex friends, and it's not a problem.

I can't really imagine us not being open enough with each other to discuss any issues that might even come up.  I don't feel it would be all that fair or respectful to assume that either of us had automatic "veto" power over the associations of the other person.

I can't even begin to image how insecure someone needs to be to be fearful of their SO having opposite sex friends.

I think it's a good thing to have friends of the opposite gender.  If you and your SO get into a tiff, it's nice to get a male perspective to see where he's coming from, or get confirmation if he's just looney.

Many people could cause problems: a friend, a coworker, a family member.  It doesn't mean we should go friendless, jobless, and be estranged from our relatives.  

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail them too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted...

That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it.

Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

I have no problem with SOs having friends of the opposite gender.  I have male friends that I don't give up when I enter a relationship, so I owe the guy at least that much trust.  Honestly, if I can't trust him to have opposite sex friends, he's probably not somebody I should be dating.

:D

Harry Burns: You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
Sally Albright: That's wonderful, Harry.

Harry's dialog was written by a woman.

I think that's a complicated question

I have a lot of male friends because I've always been a tomboy...at my bachlorette party the guys out numbered the girls and my husband was ok with it because he knows them and he knows I've known these guys forever and they are just friends. Although if it was reversed as my husband did point out I would probably be upset. I think i would be more alarmed if my husband became friends with a girl after we were married...that would be suspicious.

Original Post by lilsammi23:

I have no problem with SOs having friends of the opposite gender.  I have male friends that I don't give up when I enter a relationship, so I owe the guy at least that much trust.  Honestly, if I can't trust him to have opposite sex friends, he's probably not somebody I should be dating.

This.  One of my husband's best friends from high school is a woman, and that's fine by me.  My best friend from college is a guy, and that's fine with N.  *shrug*

i guess it all depends on the person. like, me and my fiance don't, not because we have said "hey u can't talk to someone of the opposite sex", but we just don't cause we don't have the desire to. so for us i think it would be kinda suspicious. But i definitely don't think the work "can't" is healthy in any relationship.

Depends on the woman for me.  My DH had tons of female friends before he got married, and I'm fine with him remaining friends with 95% of them.  I know them all, and we see them together and he also goes out alone with some of them from time to time.  No problem for most.  I trust them and I trust him.

However, there are two that I feel uneasy around: one of them flirted openly with him in front of me one of the first times I met her, and the other one was someone he had an unrequited crush on (tho' he denies it vehemently), who used to drunk dial him late night when he and I were first dating.  Those two make me uneasy.  He still sees them from time to time when they're in town (they live in different states, thank goodness), and I don't stop him, but I don't have to like it.  My spidey sense tells me that they haven't let go yet.

Original Post by dancerqueen1:

Personally speaking, I think it can cause potential problems regardless if it is strictly platonic.

My husband doesn't have any really close female friends, but he never has been very close or comfortable with women. I wouldn't have a problem if he did, as long as he wasn't trying to hide it from me.

The few close male "friends" I had were a bit more than that so I keep at a respectful distance now.

My best friend is male. Any girl he starts talking to knows that I'm one of his best friends and if they're not cool with me, then they can't be cool with him. And it has happened before.

Now, like 3 years ago, one of my VERY close friends, male, and I took a trip to Atlanta for a couple days. He had just started dating a new girl. This friend and I were strictly friends. Neither of us were the other's type. He liked skinny girls and I was 305lbs at the time. I like black guys (he's white). Anyway, she got all jealous of him being there with me and even asked if we were sleeping in separate rooms...

Anyway, because of her jealousy, she convinced him that I treated her poorly (which I did not because he cared for her and anyone my friends care for I will try my hardest to treat them like I do my own friends), and I'm no longer in his life. Strictly because of her jealousy (there is no other explenation). And now I have no desire to befriend either of them because if he was just willing to accept it and not stand up for himself, I guess we weren't very good friends anyway.

-removed, I thought this was a sincere post I didn't realize this a revisited topic-

I don't think it is cool unless the opposite sex friend is friends with both of us.  I went through that mess with my husband who had an opposite sex friend in another state who after one million actual just friendly texts and her talking to me and adding me on Facebook then sent him topless photos - f that - no more opposite sex friends unless they were my friend first.  Is that insecure or possessive? Yes probably but too damn bad.....I am worth it, fat or thin LOL