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Being the Other Man/Woman


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What drives a person to want to be (or to allow themselves to be) the other man/woman?  Is it the excitement of the chase?  The sneaking around?  The comfort in the fact that no commitment is required?  Is it just for sex, or does being the other person require some level of emotion?

I have never been presented with this situation, so can't imagine what drives a person to have an affair with a married person, but I'm sure there are good reasons to do it.  I am not here to judge, just one of those curious questions I have and find the Lounge is full of people with varying and interesting insights and opinions.

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For me, it was easy, no committment , amazing sex.  He chose to spend time with me, even though he was married - I never put any pressure on him.  The relationship went on for a lot of years, but stopped when I met my current husband.  I have absolutely no regrets.

In my instances of being the "other woman" I didn't know he was married.  You meet a guy, do a quick ring check and then go with it.  Sometimes I continued to see them after I found out but I did have a caveat - wife could not be in the state. (I grew up near an army post.)  I did get a guy upset with me when his wife was moving to join him and I refused to see him anymore.  With the others, we had a good time and no strings.

In most cases, the wife/girlfriend knew/knows about me. In most other cases, I didn't know about the girlfriend. In a very few cases, the wife/girlfriend didn't concern me in the slightest--and the guy only concerned me slightly moreso.

What compels me to be "the other woman?" It's what I want at the time. Of course, I'm currently working very hard to completely cut out the dishonest aspects of it.

Original Post by ehp1975:

  The comfort in the fact that no commitment is required?  

THIS!

although, in my case, i never tried to be the other guy, but finding out i was, was a relief. 

Hmm, one story I heard: if he left his wife he'd have to pay alimony, have to find his own apartment yadda yadda yadda... I guess when you fall "in love" you kinda get sucked in and actually accept stupid excuses like this?

Nothing could inspire me to ever, under any circumstances, be 'the other woman'. I could not fall in love with a married man, and I certainly wouldn't pursue one for casual sex.

Original Post by starmole:

For me, it was easy, no committment , amazing sex.  He chose to spend time with me, even though he was married - I never put any pressure on him.  The relationship went on for a lot of years, but stopped when I met my current husband.  I have absolutely no regrets.

This.  But, in my case, I stopped seeing him because he divorced his wife and proposed to me.

Original Post by starmole:

For me, it was easy, no committment , amazing sex.  He chose to spend time with me, even though he was married - I never put any pressure on him.  The relationship went on for a lot of years, but stopped when I met my current husband.  I have absolutely no regrets.

This exactly.  I would never do it now that I'm with my fiancee but I absolutely have no regrets.

#9  
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Some can rationalize deception. People like to find ways to make their actions make sense. I'm not sure I would use the word love when my actions likely hurt someone. You can't justify that. Being respectful to another woman comes before trying sack a man.

Vengeance.

In my younger, selfish years I was dating a man. He eventually left me for "wife material", but I was so...incensed, humiliated, and hurt because in prior months we dated with a slant towards serious monogamy, and then out of the blue he decided that I'm wasn't good enough to be his wife.

I never wanted to be his wife, it was the idea that I wasn't "good enough" that stung. It was illuminated to me that I was merely his exotic adventure, a fetish, rather than taken as a whole woman. He apparently had to "get it out of his system" before he abruptly left me to settle down with his young, submissive, stepford wife.

You couldn't pay me to sleep with him now, but at the time I was rabidly attracted to him. I viewed his wife as direct competition (omghowdumb), enemy, and obstacle to gettin' mine. It didn't help that she knew of me, and snidely rubbed it in my face that she "won". Shortly after returning from their honeymoon we resumed our dalliance. I was quiet messed up emotionally; I wanted him back, I viewed her as the shebeast who stole him away, and I couldn't properly deal with the realization that I was just his walk on the wild side. Instead of being mad at him for viewing me as nothing more than a fetish, I was mad at his wife for her smug existence and thinly veiled racism (yeah, this tale is definitely complicated by race issues). Regardless, the low point came when I not so subtlety revealed our illicit activities to the town gossip; purposefully, with the hope that it would get back to her and humiliate them both.

omg I was such an ass. At the time I didn't care, I was leaving town so, ppfft to reputation. I just wanted to inflict a whole lot of hurt onto two people, because of one man's actions.

For me it was a quick cheap ego boost. I was so insecure that I accepted any type of attention, whether it was appropriate or not. I did it often, married or attached men seemed to find or seek me out. And even though, in the moment, it gave me a high and was flattering, in the long run it killed my self esteem.

I would never do it again and I am sorry I ever did. I allowed myself to be used and was dumb enough to think it meant something.

Now, when married men look at or flirt with me, I feel my skin crawl and get a little sick to my stomach. It's not flattering anymore, it's insulting. I am worth more than a cheap hotel room and lunchtime quickies and secret phone calls.

I've never been the other...and I never will be, it would go against everything I believe and hope for.

I have been cheated on though, and having felt the pain that it all caused me...just such a huge bag of all kinds of negative self destructive emotions...I personally just couldn't do that to someone else.

 

 

 

Ohhh, I have friends who are the other "women". I think they fell hopelessly in love with the men and also wish that they would leave their wives for them. Personally, I don't ever wanna be anyone's second choice. I've never been cheated on, or anything --- and I'm not going to let a man make me feel hurt that way! 

Not my thing and never was. The one opportunity I know of that sticks out in my mind, I didn't do it, even though I had a pretty big crush on the guy. I guess I felt I needed to have some standards and no married men was pretty basic.
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