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How do you get over someone?


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I wouldn't usually post a topic like this, but I'm stuck.

I don't want to be too specific, but how do you get over someone you feel is your soul mate, and it's not that they don't love and want to be with you (this has not been made explicitly clear, but sometimes you just know), but for whatever reason (i.e. age, power or distance discrepancy) you can't be together.

Sometimes I don't want to get over this person because I know they're my soulmate and it has prevented me from entering into relationships with other people.

I don't want to feel this dependency anymore, it hurts too much, yet I'm madly in love. It's not that we're not friends, I just need to move on (though I don't want to).

Anyone ever go through this or have any advice?
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Yes! That's a hard spot to be in. What feels right for you to do? Have you made your feelings clear to this person?
Hi dharma, Hellen Keller once said: when one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we dont see the one that has opened for us.

I used to be a very emotional person and I would say i still am until today. Its so hard to get over people that we love, sometimes even when we know that they don't fit us, not meant for us, or even if they're no good for us. One of the worst case that happened to me is when i really in love with this guy in UK, and he died from a bike accident. I spent MONTHS grieving over him, every single freakin day until i think i might not be able to find anyone that would replace him :((. But later on, I know that what i did isn't right. So i started to fight and struggle to be the old me, for me. :)

there're times when i looked back, missing him, cry upon him, etc. and I learned that it is not wrong to keep someone in ur heart.
BUT, the thing that u shouldn't do is to keep on regretting upon what have happened. Believe me, there are SO MANY people out there that're waiting for u.. Times will show u how unexpected life could be.. U will find lots of people in ur life, and once u found someone better, u'll realize that what u feel right now is just a leftover of ur old relationship.

Cry when u need to cry, even tell him that u miss him when its needed. There's nothing wrong about expressing urself instead of keeping it rotting inside u :)). But dont cry too long, once u feel better, look for activities that could distract u from thinkin about him.. and if u dont feel ready for relationship, dont be in one.. give a little break to ur heart from all the love thingy and concentrated it in other thing will help you overcome ur sadness.
But as what hellen keller said, once u stop staring at the closed door, u'll find another door (or even doors) that re open for u. So dont close urself by thinking that he's the only one. Once u got a better one, then u'll look back at this time and thank urself that u didn't stick with him :))

Cheer up girlie!!



Thanks guys. I don't feel I can make my feelings explicitly clear because of factors I mentioned, but there's no doubt he knows. It's a really long story, but he changed my life and I like the person I am when I'm around him.

Though I know I need to move on, I can't see myself with anyone else right now.

I'm almost 26 and, while this is not what I am interested in right now, almost all of my girlfriends are either married, married with children or engaged. I have trouble meeting people because I'm really slow to warm up. My friends and family don't understand how I can not be asked out all the time, but personality plays a bigger role than people realize.

It's not that I don't have a personality, lol, I'm just shy at first. It doesn't help as I said, when you're also hung up on someone else.

Thanx :)
Don't feel pressured because everyone around you is getting married.  I'm 26 and my younger cousin just got married, and my little brother and most of my college friends are engaged.  Some of us just wait for the right thing to come along instead of diving in headfirst.  I think that gives us deeper relationships as our reward for waiting too.  :)
Oh man, have I ever been there (in fact in a way, I'm there right now.)  For me personally, I have just been riding the emotional current and trying as hard as I can to find some sort of peace with it.  One thing that helps me to feel a little better is knowing that I have met a beautiful person, and even though we may not be able to be together the way we want to be, my life is better just having him in it.  I would rather just have him as a friend, than have never met him at all.

It will get easier, I promise.  Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, and soon your heart and your brain will find the middle ground.  
Yep. Been there. Done that.

I have no advice for you here, but I can say that time makes it easier to deal with.

{{hug}}
star_I'm so glad someone feels the same way. I actually have no interest in getting married right now or even being in a serious relationship, but it's hard when you're in love with someone you can't be with. Has anyone seen the movie Lost in Translation? It's that type of thing.
Dharma...Time is one of the things that will help you heal and move on. When someone plays such an important part in your life and actually makes you change for a better person you can't imagine a time without them. But use this time to regroup with old friends and lean on your new friends as much as you can. Don't feel uncomfortable or like you're imposing yourself on someone if you need to talk, email, text,  or hang out with friends as much. Everyone goes through a period like this and somtimes you go through it more than once. So all of your friends (old and new) will understand that this is your time of need. Also, try keeping yourself as busy as you can with as mant hobbies and interests as you can because all of the helps the time to go by faster.

Feel better soon.
the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else
dharma, I'm so sorry you're in that position. I was in that same position about 6 years ago. It was really rough then, and I still remember it clearly. My heart felt like it was tearing out everytime I thought of him.

Think fondly of the good times that you have shared, know that it is time to move on. Take your time, focus on yourself now. Love will come into your life again when the time is right.

I'm still friends with the person I was in love with back then, but I know that's the extent of what our relationship was meant to be. I don't speak to him often, but it's best that way. I don't think I'll get over him completely, because I'll always wonder 'what if'.

I've since found the love of my life....now I can't even imagine what my life would be like without my husband. Back then, I never would have thought that I would find someone as wonderful but things have a way of working out for the best. My husband treats me like a goddess and we have a precious son together.  :-) 
faux *giggles* yup, heard that suggestion many times

julie, ya, I know. I hurts me to think of him not in my life. It's a strange situation as I said, as if things were different (mostly age wise) it wouldn't be issue. That's why I mentioned Lost In Translation; it's a lot like that.
I think justlaura said it best.  I too am in the same position right now.  We had our peak of insanity in the summer where there were all kinds of emotions and 'moments' flinging around, but for any number of reasons, things didn't progress.  I was in a friggin state for a couple solid months.  Now I've resigned myself to the fact that he knows how I feel and I know how he feels, if nothing is to come of it right now, so be it.

I'm not ruling out something happening in the future, but I also refuse to sit around depressed any longer and am going out, dating, and having a good time on my own.  We see each other a few times a week, and some days it hurts more than others... but I know I would feel worse if I never saw him at all anymore.  So that's my balance, hard as it may be to keep.
Oh, I've so been there.  SO been there.

It just hurts so bad ... I still remember how shockingly painful it was for me and it's been almost 10 years now.  Wow, I've gotten old.  LOL!

The only thing I can tell you is you need time.  You need time and you need distance.  You don't have to cut him out of your life but it's almost impossible to heal if you don't put some space in between you while you get your feet back under you.

Best of luck.
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I totally know what you are going through I am completely in love with some and they feel pretty much the same, we can't be together, they have a partner and kids but I can't tear myself away. I have never felt like this before and it's driving me insane! Help someone!!
here's some advice : stop telling yourself that this person is your soulmate, that you're madly in love with them, how miserable you are without them, how wrong/sad/unfair it is that you can't be together, how you'll never get over them,... etc.  by obsessing on those phrases and others like them, you're defining yourself by the situation, locking yourself into this seemingly inescapable whirlpool of feelings. until you break this cycle & see that you can love them without being tortured by those feelings, you will continue to be miserable. while your feelings don't have to change (they may or may not change over time), you need to evolve in how you are dealing with them and stop letting them control you.

take a new perspective in your self-talk and your attitude towards the situation. focus on being thankful that you know this person. appreciate their positive attributes. be honest about their shortcomings (it can be easy to regard them as absolutely perfect, which no one is), be content in your situation and be genuinely happy for them in their situation even though you are not at the center of their universe. focus on making and keeping them as a valued, trusted, beloved friend if that is in the cards and don't focus on how you are "madly in love with them and cannot get over it" because that sort of self-talk is self-fulfilling. so long as you keep telling yourself you won't get over it, you will be trapped. 

recognize that changing your perspective DOES NOT mean you don't still love them deeply, it means you're adopting a healthy attitude towards the reality of the situation and taking a livable, sustainable approach to enable you to function free of this constant obsession. allow yourself to do this. redefine yourself as something other than this "woe-is-me-i-can't-be-with-the-one-i-love" woman. this is a "grown-up" approach that may seem (1) stupid, (2) impossible, (3) ineffective, or (4) all of the above; but it does work to help you see a light out of that dark whirlpool of emotions.
Dharma - I've been there, done that.

On the most practical level, it helped me to understand that when a relationship ends, it is truly like going through a chemical withdrawal. Relationships produce all kinds of bonding chemicals - my DH and I call it the "cuddle chemical." When the relationship ends, or distance forces you apart, the body goes through a withdrawal that is just as physically painful as, say, quitting smoking. Time and patience does help. If you do want the withdrawal symptoms to be over faster, just as with quitting smoking, it helps to go "cold turkey" - i.e., no contact vs periodic contact. If this is someone you do see and will see every now and then the rest of your life, it's going to be harder, more painful and take a lot longer.

On a more emotional/psychological level, I've come to realize that I have a tendency to fall into just these sorts of relationships during times in my life when, deep down, I just do NOT want to be committed to anyone. Perhaps because I simply can't at the moment. Often because I *should* be working on my own self and not dividing my energies into a relationship. I've learned that that is quite alright, to spend time alone without a relationship. It's hard because I do really like to be in a relationship. But sometimes I guess I know what's best for me, and that's no relationship, or a "sorta" relationship that for whatever reason will never end up forcing me into a commitment. So I end up falling in love with someone who's my soulmate, if only... if only he didn't live so far away/wasn't in a relationship with someone else/wasn't all wrong for me/<insert whatever else makes the relationship impossible.>

So if you don't want to move on, then don't. Just embrace where you are at in the present. Yes, even if it is painful. It's okay. Pain can be quite productive. It's okay to be stuck too. Life does not always have to be about moving on! When you are ready, you'll be ready, and you'll know it's time. It doesn't sound like it is yet. It may not be for a long time. And that's okay.
Aw, hell. 

This is the third time today the site has eaten a post! 

Anyway, my situation is a little different then Dharma's, but of a very similar vein.

Basically, sparing needless details, my ex-gent simply decided that he didn't love me any more--there was nothing I did or said to cause the change (he has told me that much), he is not involved with any one else (yet).  He says his feelings just changed, literally, in the span of less than 12 hours. 

It wouldn't be so painful if things weren't still carrying on almost the exact same way they were before (it was long distance, so all we had beside a visit now and then was the phone and net).  While the "I Love You"s aren't exchanged any more, he still says that he misses me; he still calls me when he's upset, or needs advice, or just to talk.  We literally still talk every day.  And, admittedly, I'm glad, even though I feel silly for loving him when he claims not to feel the same way.

I just have so many questions I don't and probably never will have answers to, and that's eating me up inside. 

I'm not limiting myself, or necessarily pining, but when I "look" at my other prospects, other gents I know are interested, I just don't feel for them what I did for him, and I don't know how to change that, any more than I know how to make him love me again.

...now I went and made myself all depressed.  D'oh. 
i know how you feel, going through it right now, and have been for about 7 months. i've dated since, but i think i've been drawing in the wrong people because i am still so hung up on this other person. i don't expect much sympathy from anyone, because my situation is really sticky, he is married and we had an affair. he even filed for divorce, but then ended up staying because of the effect it was having on the kids, since she isn't much of a mother.

still to this day i'll hear a certain song and i feel like i've been punched. it's just this incredible sense of loss. i've never felt so strongly that i am meant to be with some one. even worse, we work together so i see him in passing nearly every day. we are still friends, because i'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all, but still, i am even in tears just writing this.

carrihound, i appreciate your post, because i know you are completely right. i just need to take that advice and stop feeling sorry for myself. good to know i'm not alone feeling this way though.
i just want to send the message that you can channel that caring into something constructive and emerge from being stuck, without abandoning or dishonoring your feelings.

in the throes of those sorts of feelings, i don't think we permit ourselves to emerge from the misery because, in our minds, that somehow equates with loving the person less or giving up on the situation. and no one wants to stop loving that person & no one wants to be a quitter. so as long as you love them, you're stuck & you're unhappy. that's how we get trapped and feel like there's no way to get over or out of the feelings.

it's more than stopping feeling sorry for yourself; it's more than just getting over it (which is what a lot of folks will tell you to do); it's about telling yourself & believing that it is ok, normal, healthy, and mature to not let this make you miserable all the time. you can still feel sorrow that it didn't work out; perhaps even hold out hope that if circumstances change something will come of it in the future, but have a maturity about the situation and accept that you can go back to feeling OK and you haven't disrespected the other person or your own feelings.
More than this-

That relationship that you can't have is "safe" in that you can indulge in total, hopeless, love, without fear of unpredictability.  You get all your what-ifs and you never get let down.  It's easier to be head-over-heels in love with someone you can't have than it is to love someone who leaves his shoes in the middle of the kitchen every day.  yeah. every day. I notice. They're still there. I'm not picking them up anymore. Um, yeah. but beyond that.

The hopeless relationship is a low-risk one for you, which at an unconscious level is part of why it's so attractive.

I sound totally unemotional about this- I'm not.  I did the same thing. It was a 100-mile relationship and after we "broke up" we carried on much the same, even still said "I love you" and wished each other well and talked on the phone... eventually I ended up changing my phone number, never calling, blocking his email, and getting a dog.  in that order.  Cause every time I talked to him, I loved him more.  And that wasn't helping me get on with my life.  And I'm still scared to talk to him, even though we technicallly are still friends and few people will ever know me as well as he did.  Whcih sucks.  But it was easier for me, eventually, to just sever the connection.  Although, now that I think about it, it took two years.  All 730 days of which sucked immensely.

So my actual advice? Get a dog.
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