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psycological damage from yelling at your children


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ok i was wondering what was your take on this? do you think it is true. when you use put downs and constent yelling towards your children, does it give them psycological damage down the road?

the reason why i am asking is because this is my Senior engish research project. I have tons of information on this topic and even some stories that back this up. But i want to get an idea about what the world thinks, not just me.

18 Replies (last)
Yes, yes, yes!

I grew up with verbally abusive parents and had tremendous self esteem issues as an adult. I have been in therapy for the last several years, and now, at almost 37, I finally have the confidence and self esteem that I should have always had.

As a side note, I blame this self esteem for my bad eating habits and weight issues as well. Well, actually, I hate to be one of those people who blames everything on their parents, but yes, it definitely has a negative impact.

I have two daughters that I try to praise constantly and when discipline is necessary, it is given without name calling and degradation. If nothing else, my children will not grow up as I did.

MelNoel1
I didn't grow up with my parents yelling at me.  I had those amasing parents where my dad would wake me up, buy me breakfast, take me fishing, and let my mom sleep in, then we'd come home and eat the fishies, or my mom would kidnap me and take me shopping, and we wouldn't tell my sister.  'Cause, you know, we hated her.

But then my dad got sick and started yelling all the time, and it did really effect me.  Alex was living with me last year and heard my dad yelling at me for not washing a spoon I found in another room, but rather putting it in the sink to be washed later, and ugh.. even Alex was scared.  Imagine how we both felt when Alex put a foot through the ceiling.  We stayed the hell away from him for a few days.

Now my nephews are growing up to hear my sister always fighting with her boyfriend, and they always freak out or cry when someone talks loud around them.  I feel so bad for those two.

i think it does have an effect.

a LARGE effect.

It didnt damage me at all. If anything it made me a better person.
Yes. If you end up needing a story, pm me.
I think it depends how bad the abuse is and how sensitive the child is. My mom was a yeller, which could be why I don't like being around people fighting. She did call me things like deadbeat, when I wasn't going to school. I wouldn't say any of that caused psychological damage...however it wasn't nearly as bad as some kids go through, in those cases it probably does.

yeas i totally argee with the afraid to be around while fighting i hate it too, because of how much i was yelled at as a child and were called names...

Anything else , anybody can give me will be appiciated!

I don't know, but I'm sure not above yelling at my kids.  The way that they leave their CRAP EVERYWHERE in the house despite being taught how and where to put  their things away is exasperating to say the least.  But I like to think that the yelling is more than balanced out by hugs, praise, love and support.  I usually say "would you please pick up your 3 million pokemon cards off the living room floor and take them to your room?", but after a certain number of times, I end up yelling because niceness seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Actually, I guess that's pretty much the only thing I yell at them for - their slovenliness.  I occasionally get annoyed when I take time out of my schedule to help them with homework and they waste my time with giggling episodes and endless off-topic comments.

My parents didn't yell much at me and I still have had kinda low self-esteem most of my life.

 

I do think that yelling a lot at little kids tends to make them desensitized to yeling to the point that they don't listen at all when you're not yelling and they need more extreme stimulation in general.

 

But every case is unique, and there are different levels of yelling - some people are scary when they yell, and others are laughable.  

I don't think normal, garden-variety parental yelling is any worse for children than the type of parenting where the parent is constantly talking in that syrup sweet voice to the kids and negotiating EVERYTHING.  I don't think parents should have to explain their reasoning or bargain with kids all the time - there comes a time to say, "I'm the parent here and that's IT.  You can do as you please when you're paying your own way." 

putting down, insulting your children= yes

yelling at them while they are misbehaving=no


When I was younger, I would get smacked or yelled at when I did something wrong. That made me tougher. It taught me whats right and wrong.  I dont think there is anything wrong with how my parents raised me, I got hit, so what, I got cussed at, oh well, it made me way more polite and way more hardworking.

I do think its different if you are not getting taught a lesson and you get hit/yelled at though. 

I agree that putdowns and belittling are damaging.

Normally Id say the regular parental yelling about the issue and not the person are fine.  My ex though was an explosive yeller and then he'd apologize, blowing off what angered him in the first place and not end up holding my daughter accountable due to feeling bad for his blow ups - very counter productive.

My thing is that as much as it bothered my daughter, she went on to do this herself.  She knew it was wrong from experience but she learned a very wrong lessong - to vent on someone because youre angry.
Original Post by schnooder:

When I was younger, I would get smacked or yelled at when I did something wrong. That made me tougher. It taught me whats right and wrong. I dont think there is anything wrong with how my parents raised me, I got hit, so what, I got cussed at, oh well, it made me way more polite and way more hardworking.

I do think its different if you are not getting taught a lesson and you get hit/yelled at though.

 We stopped the spankings when our oldest was about 3.  We read about its ill effects, and we were also finding that it did not help at all, and sure enough our kids behaved much better WITHOUT occasional spankings.

I just can't think of any reason to hit my kids now.  I couldn't deal with the guilt of it.  I don't hit my friends or family when they do something foolish, so I don't see why I should hit my kids. 

I think it depends- if you get yelled at because you did something bad, that's one thing. But if a parent is to constantly criticize their child, that can cause emotional disturbance.
Original Post by udokier:

Original Post by schnooder:

When I was younger, I would get smacked or yelled at when I did something wrong. That made me tougher. It taught me whats right and wrong. I dont think there is anything wrong with how my parents raised me, I got hit, so what, I got cussed at, oh well, it made me way more polite and way more hardworking.

I do think its different if you are not getting taught a lesson and you get hit/yelled at though.

We stopped the spankings when our oldest was about 3. We read about its ill effects, and we were also finding that it did not help at all, and sure enough our kids behaved much better WITHOUT occasional spankings.

I just can't think of any reason to hit my kids now. I couldn't deal with the guilt of it. I don't hit my friends or family when they do something foolish, so I don't see why I should hit my kids.

 I guess it effects different people in different ways.

Absolutely, without a doubt.  My brother & I grew up around this sort of thing.  If you hear "You're an idiot", "You're a moron", "You're stupid", "Don't you realize how fat you are?", "You dont really need to go to college.  You're the type that will get married & have a bunch of kids & stay at home.  You dont need a degree for that"  day after day after day, you start to believe it. 

I'm not a gambling woman, but I'd bet that these women were yelled at:

http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/Ho me.html

I wish my parents stopped the spankings when we were three.  Even in juniour high, if you came home with a B- or lower on a report card, test, or class assignment, you got a meter stick to your ass.  Bare. 

I think the threats they made on us damaged us even more.  There was one time when I did get a B- on a paper and knowing my parents would wail on me if I brought it home, I changed the minus to a plus, let the dog chew on it, then cried when my mom came home and said the dog ate my assignment.

Oi.

It might just depend on the kid.  My brother and I were yelled at a lot as kids, then in retrospect, my mom turned into a single parent when I was 8 (divorce), so she was dealing with a lot of stress at the time.  I don't believe it damaged me though.

With my kids, sometimes hubby and I resort to it simply out of frustration, but often times it doesn't work.  My youngest is autistic, so he's capable of just tuning it out completely, and my oldest will sometimes find it downright funny.  The laughter will, of course get him in more trouble with more yelling and get him sent to his room, but it often times results in no modification of behavior. 

It's been my experience that yelling is only effective with my boys if you really need to get their attention for something serious, or you're in the other room.  Otherwise getting in their face and saying forcefully, but not loudly "You're going to pick those toys up NOW" has a lot more influence on them.

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