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relationship problem with boyfriend! Help plz!


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So I am now 19 and am going to be a sophomore in college....

I have been going out with my boyfriend since I met him the summer before entering college (Summer, 2007). When I met him he was really overweight but said he had been on a diet (not that I cared at all, because I fell for his peronality and b/c he is a great person to be around). However, by winter break he was thin and had lost all of his weight. I think he said that in total he had gone from something like 270 lbs. to 132. He was told to gain a little weight back, so he is now like 150 or something like that...but is still very skinny

so don't get me wrong I am THRILLED he lost his weight and our relationship is much better because of it...but there is just one problem...

since losing all his weight he has started to have some habits that make me question his sexuality. He spends a lot on his clothes (only shops at Hollister and Abercrombie now)....and this summer so far he has bought a $300 pair of Prada sunglasses and a $300 pair of Gucci sandals at the mall....which I understood at first b/c I can see that maybe he finally felt better about himself after losing all that weight and cares about what he looks like.... but there are other things...he constantly talks about "getting" or "being" fat, counts his calories, won't weight lift but will do activities like yoga and walking...and as a result he is really thin but has no muscle...but he doesn't care he says he would rather be small...and he seriously eats less than I do (at least it seems-I know he probably eats more)....

and the other day I finally looked at his i-pod which he usually keeps to himself...and while he has a lot of "normal" songs for a guy to be listening to he has Celine Dion and the sound track of Hairspray on there

he also has a lot of female friends....I mean he always did (even when he was overweight)...but I just am realizing now, why have I never felt threatened by him being around them? and finally some of his mannerisms are a little "unmanly"...I am starting to realize that I do a lot of stuff HE should be doing...like we traveled this past summer and I ended up carrying a heavier bag than he did because he said his arm hurt...


now I think you know what my concern is...do you think my boyfriend might be gay? or do you think this could all just be something I am imagining or that he has changed, but it is normal with his weightloss....

my friends are no help, they think it's funny and call him my "girlfriend". But it isn't anyore...I love him, but don't know what to do?

any help would be wonderful! thanks!

 

I should also add he watches The View sometimes (but makes fun of the women) and had his hair highlighted in the spring....

25 Replies (last)

Sounds gay to me but I've known a lot of guys that seemed very gay, but were not.  I'm leaning towards gay by the choice of music, Prada sunglasses, etc... He may be in denial.

Not that I want to know(so don't answer), but I'm guessing you know his sexual preferences. Do they seem out of the ordinary for a guy that wants to be with a woman or are they more of what a guy could get from another guy?

I have a good friend that basically figured out her husband was gay because his sexual desires turned  from a "normal" man / woman relationship to those that could be more guy/guy-based. When she confronted him he admitted he was secretly gay! And they had a child and all!

I know this probably doesn't help, but something to thibk about.

 

Kristen;  in all honesty; I do not think he is gay.  What I think he turned into is what I coin "metrosexual".  Men who into their appearance just as much or more then women.  My husband makes me carry all my **** when we travel; he buys expensive clothes and sunglasses-  and he's the most manliest man I've ever been with-  but he still keeps up appearances.

In terms of the iPod; Celine Dion-  i had to laugh-  I have Lita Ford in my mp3-  but I'm so not an 80's chick and never was!!

If you suspect your BF may be gay; you should have more evidence to hold your inclinations.  Such as him having new freinds or a group of freinds known to have same-sex relationships.  I would not ask him or confront him about this as of yet; because it is the WORST thing in the world for a man who is not gay to be asked if he is.

Maybe since his weight loss, he has rediscovered himself-  and this is not the same person you knew once before-  people do change when their appearances change.  Maybe his confidence level has gone up to a notch he's not used to?

Best of luck to you; but I don't think; at this point he is.  But keep your eye out if you think you should.
I've only had a couple of gay friends who closeted themselves for a long time. And those two guys were pretty obviously gay to everyone.
I know plenty of straight guys who like to go shopping and spend a lot of money on the way they look. As for the carrying a lighter bag, if he's lost so much weight and has no muscle, it's possible that it did hurt his arm. haha

I think you should just ask him about it. It could be nothing... just him finally feeling good about himself but you also need to prepare yourself that if he is gay and he comes out to you... because you'll be losing your boyfriend. If he is gay, make sure he knows he has your support because coming out is a really hard thing for a lot of people.

I'm just going to call this like I see it - I could be wrong of course.

Troll job.

hahaha p0nda. I didn't even check her post count. oops...

hahaha No I am not a forum "troll"...I actually saw this website in his "History" folder on his laptop when I was investigating him and then when I saw it was a weightloss forum I figured maybe this was a good place to ask or state my concerns....now if only I knew his name if he has one to see where he posts

 

sorry if you thought this about me, or of I put this in the wrong place

 

I also hope my situation isn't so bizzare (or funny) that you would think it is somoene pulling a prank...that doesn't make me feel very good

Like other people are saying there are plenty of guys who are into their appearance, it doesn't mean they are gay. *The* thing about being gay is being attracted to people of the same sex! Is he attracted to you? Do you have a physical relationship, and is he into it? Do you look at and discuss other people (celebrities, people on the street) does he seem interested in attractive women or attractive men? If you feel that he isn't attracted to you, and is attracted by men, then he is probably gay. If he's into you and other women, he's straight!

His eating could be a concern, though. Guys get eating disorders too

Original Post by kristenomaha1:

I also hope my situation isn't so bizzare (or funny) that you would think it is somoene pulling a prank...that doesn't make me feel very good

It's not your situation, it's that you pulled out every gay stereotype there is:

  1. Spends too much money on fashion items
  2. Worried about "getting fat"
  3. Is weak and girlish in his workouts
  4. Listens to Celine Dion
  5. Has "**** hags"
  6. "Unmanly" mannerisms
  7. Is weak in general

Not only does your post smack of bigotry but now you're apparently snooping on his computer. Nice.

I would hazard that you've never known an actual gay person in your life but you have a preconceived idea about how they're "supposed" to act. Let me let you in on a secret - the only sure sign he is gay is that he wants to have sex with men. Everything else you've listed is nothing more than typecasting from the "How To Spot A Gay" handbook.

You were investigating him?

Now thats messed up.

@ p0nda- well of course I am going to mention those things. He has been exhibiting every stereotype of a gay person there is. I know he isn't doing it on purpose obviously to make people think he is gay. But they are nonetheless things he has been doing and that led me go on his computer and then to post here (and ask people in other places) what they think of the situation. I have spoken to my friends and mom about it, and they just make jokes. I mean the fact that all those things are there raise an eyebrow

 

and fyi I have a VERY close friend who I have known since middle school who is a gay male, and he doesn't exhbit ANY of those behaviors really and no one ever suspects he is gay...this is another reason why this is killing me...but I don't have to be lectured about stereotype

 

@ schnooder-perhaps I shouldn't have said "investigate"....although I did look at his history after a friend of mine suggested I look for certain "webpages" in his history folder...other than this site all I found really though was facebook and his school account....but I am not saying it was right


I just don't know what to do I love him so much and wouldn't dare ask him b/c if he isn't I just ruined our relationship for nothing

Haha this is one of those out there threads. I could put my own husband into some of those stereotypes you listed and he is far from gay. THere are 2 sloutions to your problem:


1. Ask him straight out if he is gay. He'll probably tell you no he isn't and dump you because now his girlfriend is acting weird and thinking he is gay.

or

2. Go on the assumption he is not gay (which I don't think he is) and live your life.

 

I am a female that dresses more manly (literally I shop mostly in the mens dept), worry about getting fat again, count calories, and listen to dirty rap (you know men singing about sex) does that make me a gay female? 

Oh wait been with my husband for 9 years and have 3 kids. Nevermind.

Having dated and slept with, etc. a few gay men, I really think people are being unfair to you. You are obviously getting signals from him that makes you think, "hmm, I know he loves me. But maybe he would really prefer me to have different parts."

That happens. And having been left by a guy who I loved dearly and totally came out of the closet by leaving me-- it sucks. And with him at least, it was an open secret that he wasnt sure where he stood on the sexuality continuum.

One of the big "kickers" for me, or I suppose rather---I dont know, should have been a bigger sign has I really wanted to believe he would leave me, was that he avoided my bodily fluids. I know that sounds gross, but like sex was fine, we used a condom, but he was very careful removing the condom. One day I finally realized and said out loud, you are using a tissue so you dont have to touch me! not because you are worried about spillage.

OK, I know that was TMI. But really you are in a pickle. And a lot of fat guys might say that after they get skinny they really do need to reinvent themselves-- and thats probably what he is doing.

Also-- while skinny is in for the gay bois, untoned is not. So tell him to pick up a dumbell or two ;)

Additionally:   if he uses this website, you are going to be caught out that you posted this.  Maybe its one of those self-sabotage things.  He may not know for sure that its you, if he uses for the forums that is, but he is certainly going to be able to guess.


How will you deal with that?

I think there are more "metrosexual" men out there who are in denial.  I know many "manly" men who go have pedicures and manicures.  Left outfielder for the AZ Diamondbacks, Eric Byrnes, even had an episode of one of his shows where he and another baseball player went and had a pedicure.  He just got married recently too and seriously doubt he's gay.  And then there is Mark Grace 1st baseman for the cubs for years , then the dbacks and now a color announcer for fox and the dbacks and he openly admits his favorite group from the 80's was Boy George I doubt Gracie is gay - he's also has a son not sure if he's married - My husband wanted to see Mamma Mia with me but told him it was "girls night" we've seen many "musicals"

Having a gay relative I can say he's pretty stereotypical has more female friends than male friends.  Also have to admit I always got crushes on his "friends" while growing up so he had good taste in men hehehe!!!

You don't have to ask him straight out if he is gay, but you could ask him if he's ever considered or experimented with the opposite sex. Tell him you were reading somewhere that human sexuality is on a continuum - very few people fall into "gay" or "straight" categories, but somewhere in between, with a leaning or preference one way or the other.  Your *preference* may be towards the opposite sex, but you could have some attractions towards your own sex. This could be fantasies or actual experimentation. Bisexuals can go either way and they fall in love and choose the person, not the gender. The rest of us might experiment or fantasize but when it all boils down to it, we feel most comfortable choosing a relationship with one gender or the other.  It's about a preference.

Ask him what he thinks about that concept. This could open up a dialogue.

If this guy has been this way his whole life, then I would be surprised if he hadn't at some point questioned his own sexuality, or had it questioned for him (like you are doing now). Effeminate men get mercilessly teased in high school - and often beaten up too.

My DH has some effeminate qualities (he is a brainy nerdy type who hates sports but loves musicals .... and we've seen Hairspray several times!) and he got teased a lot growing up. In college all his friends turned out to be gay, so he had to wonder. But he is NOT gay because when it all boils down to it, he has zero interest in men - his attractions are only for women.

But ultimately I think you may be confusing gender identity with sexual identity. Two different things. Sexual identity is about who you want to sleep with. Gender identity is about which gender you identify with.

For example I have a friend who was male and had the operation so now he is a she, but she still prefers sex with females. Now that is an extreme example: there are a lot of people out there in the world who hate gender stereotypes and just want to be who they are. Even if it means hating sports and loving musicals.

Just a point: just because a man is married or has children or actively pursues, in public, females does NOT mean he's firmly heterosexual.

There are plenty of (and growing) instances of "happily" married men, with multiple children, coming out.  And then there is the whole culture of sex on the DL, you know, as long as he sucks it and you recieve, you arent gay?  Take a peak at m4m on CL sometime....especially m4m CE.

Sexuality and gender identity do exist on a continuum I believe.  Some just never quite come to terms with where they actually exist on that continuum.

Original Post by jenmcc:

You don't have to ask him straight out if he is gay, but you could ask him if he's ever considered or experimented with the opposite sex. Tell him you were reading somewhere that human sexuality is on a continuum - very few people fall into "gay" or "straight" categories, but somewhere in between, with a leaning or preference one way or the other.  Your *preference* may be towards the opposite sex, but you could have some attractions towards your own sex. This could be fantasies or actual experimentation. Bisexuals can go either way and they fall in love and choose the person, not the gender. The rest of us might experiment or fantasize but when it all boils down to it, we feel most comfortable choosing a relationship with one gender or the other.  It's about a preference. 


But ultimately I think you may be confusing gender identity with sexual identity. Two different things. Sexual identity is about who you want to sleep with. Gender identity is about which gender you identify with.

For example I have a friend who was male and had the operation so now he is a she, but she still prefers sex with females. Now that is an extreme example: there are a lot of people out there in the world who hate gender stereotypes and just want to be who they are. Even if it means hating sports and loving musicals.

 Very well stated!

not to be to personal but how's your sex life, that could be an indicator of if he is gay or not. He could be Gay or just very effeminent(sp?). However if your sex life is good than hes probably straight. Just a thought....

btw I know a gay man who had 2 wives and knew he was gay since the seventh grade, he got married because he wanted kids. He now is divorced and lives w/ his ex-model boyfriend.

I think you should ask your close gay male friend what he thinks. Like knows like!

Other than that, he doesn't sound gay unless he actually likes guys. And even if he does kind of like guys doesn't mean he can't love and be fully committed to a woman. Don't judge his character based on stereotypes! I agree with jenmcc about opening up a dialogue about sexuality since you are really curious about his feelings on the subject.

I'm with pOnda....never known her to be that far off the mark....Laughing

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