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Resisting the Urge


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The ex urge, that is.

How do/have you guys mastered this, if you have?

I'm kind of lonely.  And I know I don't need to be dating and meeting new people right now, so the next thought in that process is, "Well...there's Nick."

He's appealing because:  He knows all the bad stuff about me already.  I'm comfortable with him.  I can wear sweat pants and have greasy hair and just chill.  We don't have to impress each other or try to fancy ourselves up to make a good impression.

He's unappealing because:  he makes me feel like crap.  He doesn't listen, he doesn't respect me, he doesn't let me finish a sentence.  We argued constantly and over everything.  I know he isn't the one I want to be with.

It's just weird and sad.  I dated him for a while compared to my other relationships.  I went from daily phone calls and texts and seeing him a few times a week to...nothing.  I feel kind of lost and bored and alone.  There are plenty of people for me to hang out with and certainly lots of other priorities and things to do, but I miss that.  Unless my friends start offering non-awkward cuddling sessions, I feel like I'll just have this gap.

I know, I know, all about me.  I'm just trying to use my head and not rush into yet another doomed relationship, but I'm lonely.  I regret having dated him, honestly.  I got so used to it and now, poof.  I'm starting to feel like having someone I can't stand would be better than having no one at all.

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What you are experiencing is the grieving process...this is something most people have to deal with when a relationship breaks up, even if that relationship wasn't a good one.

You have to force yourself to keep busy, & resist the urge to contact him, & you will be surprised how quickly life without him in it will become normal, & then you will wonder why you ever even missed him.

You state yourself above, why it is not a good idea to rekindle a bad thing!

Stay strong, the struggle will ease soon...you can do this!

He's unappealing because:  he makes me feel like crap.  He doesn't listen, he doesn't respect me, he doesn't let me finish a sentence.  We argued constantly and over everything.

You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. Wanting to hang out with a guy that makes you feel the above points to some personal issues you may have with self-confidence and self-worth.

Trust we've all been there, but if you don't feel that you deserve better than Nick then you'll never find anyone better than Nick.

I know it sucks right now, but this is sort of what you're supposed to feel like after a break out. take it in, learn from it and then when you're ready (in many ways) consider hanging out/dating someone.But you have to prove to yourself that you can feel lonely/be alone for a while and be okay with it.

 

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

The ex urge, that is.

How do/have you guys mastered this, if you have?

I'm kind of lonely.  And I know I don't need to be dating and meeting new people right now, so the next thought in that process is, "Well...there's Nick."

He's appealing because:  He knows all the bad stuff about me already.  I'm comfortable with him.  I can wear sweat pants and have greasy hair and just chill.  We don't have to impress each other or try to fancy ourselves up to make a good impression.

He's unappealing because:  he makes me feel like crap.  He doesn't listen, he doesn't respect me, he doesn't let me finish a sentence.  We argued constantly and over everything.  I know he isn't the one I want to be with.

It's just weird and sad.  I dated him for a while compared to my other relationships.  I went from daily phone calls and texts and seeing him a few times a week to...nothing.  I feel kind of lost and bored and alone.  There are plenty of people for me to hang out with and certainly lots of other priorities and things to do, but I miss that.  Unless my friends start offering non-awkward cuddling sessions, I feel like I'll just have this gap.

I know, I know, all about me.  I'm just trying to use my head and not rush into yet another doomed relationship, but I'm lonely.  I regret having dated him, honestly.  I got so used to it and now, poof.  I'm starting to feel like having someone I can't stand would be better than having no one at all.

After you get the help you need, you will find somebody that you can feel like this with again. And the major plus will be that the relationship will be a healthy one.

Until then, maybe spend time creating new habits that are healthy for yourself. Writing in a journal, learn a new skill (crochet or something), exercise, try recipes...anything time consuming that will keep you so busy you don't have time to wish for the missed texts. It won't replace that lost affection, but you can get some of that from your son. Maybe look into some "mommy & me" type activities where you could meet people in similar situations as your own.

I know you said you pick the wrong people even when you know they are the best thing for you (other single moms...etc) it will likely feel like forced behavior until it becomes a new habit. I imagine therapy will help with that.

Have you had any luck finding a counselor or therapist?    I definitely think this is a stage you're going through.  Don't call him.  If he made you feel that awful, he will make you feel worse now.

Some things you just have to feel.

You want to be around a guy to distract you from yourself.

Without a relationship or dating, you're far more aware of your thoughts & feelings.

Some people have avoided themselves their whole lives and have remained distracted by the other people in their life.

Clinical and research evidence supports the fact that all too often one of the main reasons that both men and women get into a relationship, and then often stay in a relationship, is related to a fear of being alone.  And as any good counselor knows, a relationship that is based on fear is destined to be a very unhappy and unfulfilling relationship. Until a person can learn to enjoy their own company, they may constantly find themselves lonely or getting into relationships that are, or end up, based on fear.  All too often, people who are not comfortable with themselves unknowingly stop themselves from not only being the best person they can be but from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with others as well.

Since we're matched in being post-break-up timewise, I seem to have hit this as well.

First there was anger. Anger felt great. Then there was depression, and that one sucked. Nothing like feeling disrespected to make you feel like you're worth mud of a shoe sole. Then I had some 'what if I'll always regret it?' Then I felt fine, only to realise I didn't feel fine. Oops.

I just had my 'maybe there's a way to go back'. It was very tempting. But I kept telling myself what I concluded in the anger stage. He's not worth it. If he was worth it, I wouldn't be here.


So having solved that, now I'm at lonely stage. Whoopdedoo. Welcome, there are plenty of seats :P.

Oh, suz.  Exactly.

I can do angry and mean and bitter.  I can march around telling myself he's going to regret it, he's going to be sorry, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.  I can be all impulsive and flirty and go out with a different guy every day.  That's the "fun" part of being single.

But the appeal wears off and then it's on to the sweat pants and oreos phase.  And I am the WORST and fighting the urge to contact someone.  I feel like there is something to say, or there might be something to salvage, I have to do it.  I always regret it.

I've never before understood why women (or men, either) stay in relationships with people who make them miserable.  It just doesn't make sense...till now.  There's no one looking out for me or thinking or me or wanting me.  I feel so solitary.  I've always felt that way.  The most alone, individual person in the world. 

You're right Kathy.  And Anna.  All of you.  I just wish that the right/best/healthiest thing to do didn't hurt so bad.

Original Post by kathygator:

Some things you just have to feel.

x2

Are you really lonely, LP, or are you bored? I've realized that a big hunk of my problems all stem from letting myself get bored. I kind of think that lonliness is something that is ever-present when a person is truly lonely. When I think I'm lonely, but find something to occupy myself, I completely forget about it.

Hopping into a relationship is easy (until it comes time to commit). Learning to appreciate my own company and live with what's going on in my head isn't.

Are you positive that it isn't just a distraction that you want?

Just musing. We seem fairly similar in this aspect, so I figure it was a mildly safe assumption that I'm not projecting too much. :D And...break-ups usually just suck anyway. And remember: our brains are wired to become accustomed to certain images, faces, sounds...when those things are taken away, it takes our brains a while to adjust. They send signals out left and right, telling us to get back that familiar stimuli. When I think about it like that, I always feel better. Of course, then I get angry at my brain... :/ 

i'm for distraction. working out is great because the effects are so immediate & physical & help with mood for at least a little while.

otherwise: do anything. just do. knitting, even. anything.

keep reminding yourself of the ****ty moments, and imagine what life would be like with a lot more of them.

Original Post by kotov_syndrome:

Hopping into a relationship is easy (until it comes time to commit). Learning to appreciate my own company and live with what's going on in my head isn't.

(((Kotov)))

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

Oh, suz.  Exactly.

I can do angry and mean and bitter.  I can march around telling myself he's going to regret it, he's going to be sorry, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.  I can be all impulsive and flirty and go out with a different guy every day.  That's the "fun" part of being single.

But the appeal wears off and then it's on to the sweat pants and oreos phase.  And I am the WORST and fighting the urge to contact someone.  I feel like there is something to say, or there might be something to salvage, I have to do it.  I always regret it.

I've never before understood why women (or men, either) stay in relationships with people who make them miserable.  It just doesn't make sense...till now.  There's no one looking out for me or thinking or me or wanting me.  I feel so solitary.  I've always felt that way.  The most alone, individual person in the world. 

You're right Kathy.  And Anna.  All of you.  I just wish that the right/best/healthiest thing to do didn't hurt so bad.

Hopefully when you get better at it, it won't.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:  I just wish that the right/best/healthiest thing to do didn't hurt so bad.

Do lots of fun stuff. I don't know about you, but I'm only miserable when I'm alone. Well, so far, I've put my social life in warp speed 9. I don't mean dating, but hanging out with friends, and doing silly things with bffs, and just doing different things.

I haven't had this much fun in ages. What it taught me was just how much mental energy I was wasting on the ex. The amount of little efforts and touches I did to try to keep connected. And I had done this while juggling a highly time and energy consuming job. During I had felt no expectations, I was happy to simply give. Well, what's the point of expending so much energy if it's not appreciated it.

Of course in a good relationship, it's a positive feedback loop. You try to make them happy, and they also bend over backwards to make you happy. And them being happy makes you happy, and this multiplies into that nice cushy feeling of being connected. But as you admitted, this guy only brought you heart ache, and made you bend over backwards to no result. Enjoy now setting that drive to only selfish things - making yourself happy.

 

I really do need some new hobbies, anyway.  The only thing I enjoy is writing, but it's such a solitary, introspective thing to do, I don't know if it would be beneficial or just make me moodier and worse.

I want to try new things (that aren't terribly expensive).  Pottery, some other kind of craft?  I do need to work on myself, rounding myself out as a person. 

This feeling is exactly what I wanted to avoid...this lost, lonely, rejected feeling.  It sucks.  I kind of new it was coming.  It should be made better by the fact that I truly believe he is an angry, controlling jerk...but instead I just find myself wondering why I wasn't good enough or worth more effort.

And you're probably right, Kotov.  I think some distraction would help.  I'm thinking of starting to teach the little guy to cook.  We usually have a lot of free time after work and school and that's when I start getting that urge to text him...maybe keeping myself busy teaching Payton and then cleaning up would help.

I think that we're all solitary.  In many cases the most isolated and loneliest people alive.  We all feel that way to one extent or another.  No one can truly understand and get us - this is not exactly true, but it often feels that way.  So when someone who has time to spend with us gets part of us it we feel less isolated.

In a group of people you can feel like an island of solitude.  In a relationship you can feel completely alone.  This is not abnormal.  I think that most people spend time doing things to make them more appealing and more able to connect with others so that they can feel less alone.

For me, start talking about TV shows and I have nothing in common with anyone...I don't watch TV.  Pop culture, forget it I simply don't care about it.  Even surrounded by people that I have hobbies in common with I will often realize that 90%+ of the people are just acquaintances I don't actually have any additional connections with them.

What is the "it" that you want to recapture?  I assure you that unless your actual problems are worked through as a couple that they'll simply resurface, often worse and you'll break up again in a month or three and this time be angry about the waste of time.

What is it that you want?  Maybe you haven't found it yet?  There's not always just one thing.  Typically financial stability, family, friends...you've got a job which lets you work towards the stability, you've got your son and some crazy family, friends you may or may not have.  Maybe it's time to reconnect with friends and work on not neglecting them the next time you get involved.

I think most everyone is right though that this is the best time to work on yourself and think about the issues and things that you do and how to improve.

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

How do/have you guys mastered this, if you have?

One Night Stand with someone hotter and better in bed...and anything new is better in bed..because it's new Laughing you'll seriously forget he existed

although some girls get emotions when they sleep with someone..if this is you avoid this measure!

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I really do need some new hobbies, anyway.  The only thing I enjoy is writing, but it's such a solitary, introspective thing to do, I don't know if it would be beneficial or just make me moodier and worse.

I want to try new things (that aren't terribly expensive).  Pottery, some other kind of craft?  I do need to work on myself, rounding myself out as a person. 

This feeling is exactly what I wanted to avoid...this lost, lonely, rejected feeling.  It sucks.  I kind of new it was coming.  It should be made better by the fact that I truly believe he is an angry, controlling jerk...but instead I just find myself wondering why I wasn't good enough or worth more effort.

And you're probably right, Kotov.  I think some distraction would help.  I'm thinking of starting to teach the little guy to cook.  We usually have a lot of free time after work and school and that's when I start getting that urge to text him...maybe keeping myself busy teaching Payton and then cleaning up would help.

Are there any open mic type places you could write poetry then share?

Try hiking. It's exercise (proven to improve moods and life and all that), you get to see nice things, instead of repeating some mindless motion in a room with other bored people like in a gym, you get to meet all sorts of people, and afterwards no matter what you eat or drink, it tastes like the nectar of the gods.

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