My Snugglebunny Died
He was part of my life for about 4 weeks. I had bought him at a pet-store that sold him to me, despite the fact that he wasn't weaned yet. I later learned that it is unsafe to hand-feed baby cockatiels unless you are an experienced breeder and that the pet store was unethical in selling him to me.
First, he came down with a sinus infection, so he was seen by an Avian Vet and placed on antibiotics.
Then, one morning I came home from work and he vomited. I noticed that his crop was distended and took him to the only pet ER that had an Avian Vet that night. She told me that he had a crop infection, therefore was not digesting his food and had possibly aspirated his food when he vomited, causing pneumonia. She placed him on Reglan and Nystatin and baby bird formula in small volumes twice a daily.
I had to go to work that night and I took him with me. I didn't care if I got fired. I still did my job as he was wrapped in a blanket surrounded by a heat pad on the lowest setting and under a heat lamp. I placed a few drops of water on his tongue every 20 minutes and gave him gently touches on his crest and soft scritches as he closed his eyes.
We came home that morning and I spent the next two hours holding him wrapped in his little mermaid blankie and under the heat lamp as his breathing became more labored. He was so scared because he couldn't breathe, but never letting go of his tiny body, I gently held him upright and very softly massaged his crest and kept telling him how much I loved him until he took his last breath.
I feel like a failure. He was only a baby and was counting on me to keep him safe. My mind keeps going over everything that happened, over and over again. I've been sobbing several times a day for about 7 days without control of when or where the crying will begin or cease.
My husband even bought me a cinnamon, green cheeked conure yesterday because he said that he wants to see me smile again. Her name is Trixie and she is also a baby, but bites very hard. I am trying to use positive reinforcement to get her over this stage (which I was told is developmental and should pass in a few weeks). It does take my mind off the despair for a while, but then there will be a toy or the can of baby bird formula that will set my crying off again.
Yesterday, my son told me that Pikachu's spirit is happy, free of suffering and knows that he was loved. He told me that it was his time to pass, regardless of what anyone would have done differently.
It feels like my world has collapsed on me. My heart is so heavy with despair over a little, lemon painted beauty with strong wings and so much love. Pikachu loved to cuddle under my chin or under his little mermaid blankie after meals. He gave kisses all the time and spent 3 hours a day out of his cage with me and my son. His soft feathers smelled like wheat mixed with honey. He was a joy.
It matters not whether I run to the ends of the earth, curse the heavens, bury myself under a pillow all day or get drunk...this ache...this awful anguish will not cease.
I have 2 great kids and other pets to care for, but it feels like it's over for me. There is no joy to look forward to...only pain and disappointment. My enemy, the oppressive, ever present shadow of despair that has followed me since I was 8 years of age, was finally lifted. For four weeks there existed the brightest sunshine. And now it's over. Forever.
Big hug from me. You loved him, and he knew it. He was happy to have you. Animals understand things better than we do.
I'm sorry you have lost your little birdie :(
First of all, it is not your fault. Know this. You saw that this widdle birdie was struggling and took him to the doctor. Most would've looked at him and figured he was going to die for unknown reasons, then let him die. You did a wondrous thing by holding him and caring for him and keeping him calm until he felt okay to leave you. Do not blame yourself. You did everything right. You did everything beyond expectation.
And do not harbor negative feelings toward the pet store. It's not uncommon that pet stores sell animals that for some reason or another (too young, too old, too sick, etc) die not long after being sold. They are not breeders or knowledgeable of the animals they're selling. They know as much as the books they sell next to the animals.
It was a series of unfortunate events, and you handled it beautifully.
Original Post by phoebe_luvs_smallville:
Yesterday, my son told me that Pikachu's spirit is happy, free of suffering and knows that he was loved. He told me that it was his time to pass, regardless of what anyone would have done differently.
How, in hearing these miraculous words coming from your own child, one you have cared for and raised, loved and fed (quite successfully, I might add ) - how can you even suggest the sunshine in your life is done, 'forever' no less?
I understand grief and loss, I promise. I understand you feel these - but no - your life is full of love and abundance. Your kids are healthy, fed and safe and it sounds like you've reconciled with your husband.
Look up Phoebes. That's where your life is.
My condolences on the loss of your featherbaby. But he was in a good home and well cared for, so he had a good life even if it was too short.
My heart breaks for you Phoebe. It's so hard to lose a pet we love so much.
((((phoebe)) <---lop-sided hug because i'm carrying groceries. :P
what a crushing loss. take a walk with the kids, watch them play, play a board game with them...you won't be able to help feeling better.
I'm so sorry Phoebe! I know how much it hurts to lose a beloved pet, and I agree 100% with CD. This is absolutely not your fault. You did everything humanly possible to help the little bird, but it was just out of your hands. At least in his last hours, he was cuddled and knew he was loved.
It's not all over for you, dear Phoebe! It hurts horribly, I know. Grief is such a powerful and heavy emotion, it does drag you into darkness, but it will get better, I promise! You have to go through the process to get to the other side, but you will get there. Just try to remember what you still have and hold tight to them. It will get you through!
(((Phoebe)))
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. But you did nothing wrong. You loved him, doted on him, did everything possible to take care of him and help him when he was sick.
You held him and kept him warm and safe until the end. You are not a failure; this is not the end. The pain will lessen with time. But you are NOT to blame. You loved that little bird.
((phoebe))
(((Phoebe)))
You are an amazing bird mommy and he was lucky to have you while he did. Not your fault in the least, and I hope the grief lifts soon. <3
I am so very sorry, Phoebe. I know the pain and loss..so I know there are no magical words.
He was a lucky baby to have such a dedicated, loving person. You fought for him and did everything you could..more than many people would have done.
I'm sure he knew he was loved.
xoxoxo
Also, I'd like to add...I know what you mean about looking forward and the world seeming to be bleak, pointless..joyless.
That's grief...that's what it does to us. I have four other dogs, but my bond with Loki was so incredibly close and special that they were of zero comfort to me when I recently lost my beautiful boy.
In fact, Buddy comes home later tonight from having his parathyroid surgery and while i have called and spoken with them 2-3 times per day to check in and get updates, I haven't been the pacing, worried mess I'd normally be. Worried, yes..dreading it..oh, sure..but my grief over Loki is still hitting me, and I am not quite myself yet.
I am functioning..doing the things I normally do..I've even laughed here or there, but it's damn hard, and something you just have to let yourself feel.
It's hard to look forward to tomorrow when you know they won't be there. That doesn't mean we stop loving our families, kids, other animal babies...just that someone has left quite a hole in our lives and hearts that only they could fill.
Honestly, the only thing that would make me feel better is to see Loki walk through the door again. I imagine you feel the same way about your sweet bird.
It's normal, I think.
Thank you. I think posting about my emotions with this grief actually helped. Today was better. I haven't cried (yet) and spent a good deal of time working with the new bird and trying to get her to trust me and stop her painful biting. Today she drew blood, but I keep telling myself that with patience and love we will work through this together and this phase will pass.
She doesn't bite all the time and even runs up my shoulder and preens my hair. Trixie likes Pink Lady Apple slices as well as Grannysmith but doesn't care for carrots. While I sleep on the couch next to her during the day, I put her cage in front of the tv and play the Wizard of Oz, which she seems to enjoy. Trixie is beginning to act like little clown, too! She grasps the cage bars and hangs upside down and screeches until she gets our attention.
Today, it seemed easier to focus on this new little girl and her own spicy personality. Maybe if I stop being afraid of getting bitten, it will stop? The pet shop owner said that we are Trixie's new flock and that she will try to dominate if she can and that I need to stand my ground! Haha, me? Passive emily. I can do eet!
kg, thank you. Brandon has comforted me the most during this time. He found such wise words for being a little fellow. He asks about his autism (high functioning) sometimes because he doesn't want to be different from other kids. The last time he inquired about it, I told him that I wouldn't change a thing about him and that I loved the way his brain worked. He gave me big hugs. I will hang onto that moment. :)
Original Post by phoebe_luvs_smallville:
Thank you. I think posting about my emotions with this grief actually helped. Today was better. I haven't cried (yet) and spent a good deal of time working with the new bird and trying to get her to trust me and stop her painful biting. Today she drew blood, but I keep telling myself that with patience and love we will work through this together and this phase will pass.
She doesn't bite all the time and even runs up my shoulder and preens my hair. Trixie likes Pink Lady Apple slices as well as Grannysmith but doesn't care for carrots. While I sleep on the couch next to her during the day, I put her cage in front of the tv and play the Wizard of Oz, which she seems to enjoy. Trixie is beginning to act like little clown, too! She grasps the cage bars and hangs upside down and screeches until she gets our attention.
Today, it seemed easier to focus on this new little girl and her own spicy personality. Maybe if I stop being afraid of getting bitten, it will stop? The pet shop owner said that we are Trixie's new flock and that she will try to dominate if she can and that I need to stand my ground! Haha, me? Passive emily. I can do eet!
kg, thank you. Brandon has comforted me the most during this time. He found such wise words for being a little fellow. He asks about his autism (high functioning) sometimes because he doesn't want to be different from other kids. The last time he inquired about it, I told him that I wouldn't change a thing about him and that I loved the way his brain worked. He gave me big hugs. I will hang onto that moment. :)
I wonder if putting bitter apple spray on your hands would help with the biting? "Mommy doesn't taste good!"
Phoebe,
The story of your experience with your beloved little bird is one of the sweetest and saddest stories I've read in a long time. I felt a deep empathy for you.
Please know that it was wonderful how well you took care of him. He knew you loved him and he wasn't alone when he died.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
(((phoebe)))
Original Post by catwalker:
Phoebe,
The story of your experience with your beloved little bird is one of the sweetest and saddest stories I've read in a long time. I felt a deep empathy for you.
Please know that it was wonderful how well you took care of him. He knew you loved him and he wasn't alone when he died.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
I cried again Saturday and today. It's going to be an up and down rollercoaster of emotions for a while, I guess. I would do anything to just hold him again and feel his soft, baby feathers and his little warm feet in my hands. He really was a sweetie. This really sucks.
