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What to do if someone threatens suicide when you break up with them...


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I had to break up with someone last night. I feel nasty and despicable and cruel. I wasted two years of this guy's life. I honestly did love him for awhile though, and I still care about him. I have no interest in a relationship anymore. I would be lying if I said I want to dedicate myself to it. For the record it was a long distance relationship and we have only seen each other 3 or 4 times in the two year span. I'm 20 years old and I feel trapped. I need someone here you know? Someone I can spend time with at night, or go out to dnner with, or to the movies. 


I don't know when I started having the change of heart, I guess a few months ago. I hoped that it was a phase, and that I wouldn't break his heart, that I would pull through it. But.. I didn't. And after basically ignoring him for a few days. No, not ignoring, just not making any effort to talk to him. I would answer if he called. We talked last night, and I told him I wanted to end things. And he was understandably upset. He started saying really mean things about me, about how I should have given him some sort of notice, and my dad, and about how his mom could die at any moment, that I destroyed him and destroyed his life, and at the end he said I should start checking the obituaries because I would see his name soon enough.

I don't know what to do. I can't be the one to comfort him but what if he does hurt himself? Should I call one of his friends? His mom? Do I call a helpline? The police?  Would that just make it worse? I've never been in this situation before. I would rather him lash out at me. There's nothing he can say that can make me feel any worse than I already do. I suck at confrontations and take a passive approach to everything in life, and it's half the reason I stayed in this so long. I didn't want to hurt him, but by not ending things I was just delaying the inevitable. I'm trying to do right by him the best I can. 

I know I hurt him, but I can't stand the thought of him hurting himself. 

About the whole giving notice thing.. is he for real? I've never ever broke up with anyone before. Are you supposed to give a two week notice? I should have told him I wasn't feeling as dedicated with the relationship right? This has been one awful train wreck of a break up, all because of my immaturity.

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Never mind.

threatening suicide is the most annoying thing that some immature, controlling and manipulative people do.  If he was ever controlling during the relationship and used threats to control your actions you should be thankful you got away now.

The #1 rule of breakups is stand firm. Don't be wishy-washy with what you want. Don't lead the other person on by trying to 'be their friend'.  There really is no point.

The only thing a suicide threat does is tries to push the hurt that they are feeling onto you. It's a way of "getting you back" for the pain they are feeling. It's an immature thing to do.  If your boyfriend has no previous suicide attempts you have nothing to worry about it was just a lie to try to make you feel bad.

The way to make a breakup the least painful is to just 'rip the bandaid off quick' one meeting to state your intentions and then nothing. Don't talk to them, don't email them, don't talk to their friends or family.  Keep your distance and completely separate yourself from them.  It may seem difficult and hard and curel but really, it's the only way to do it. Don't dangle any reminders in their face, don't lead them on, just completely ignore them. Seriously. It only hurts more and prolongs the hurt to lead them on. They need to get used to not having you around.

and you are hurting too so you need to take some "you time" to sort our your new lifestyle. you may be thinking "i need to talk to him because it will make him feel better" when really you just want to make yourself feel better.

Seriously. You've broken up now sever all ties.  It's the only way to break up with someone. Trust me.

 

Completely ignore the suicide threat(s). Don't let him think he's gonna get any response from you for it. If he keeps up with it - call his mother and tell her to deal with it, that you're not going to put up with it.

Original Post by nmw_nmw:

If your boyfriend has no previous suicide attempts you have nothing to worry about it was just a lie to try to make you feel bad.

Well.... no, that's not necessarily true. I mean, he is saying it to make her feel bad, and it is in no way a good reason to stay with someone, but not having a history of suicide attempts doesn't mean that he won't try or succeed in the future.

If you know his mom, yes, I think contacting her would be a very good idea, but it is not your responsibility to make him happy.

This just screams ABUSER to me. 

As nmw said, he is trying to coerce you with guilt into coming back to him. This is controlling you with your feelings. He insulted you, made you feel bad, brought up the fact that your parent's won't live forever. And then switched tactics into making it seem like he needs you. Like he is the only one for you. Like he will be the only one that truly loves you, and will be around after your parents die. This is not healthy, and is indicative of abusive traits. 

Please, do not go back to him. You have your priorities for dating straight - you want someone who is near you, who you can physically be with, not someone who is only long distance. He cannot provide you with what you are looking for in a relationship, so therefor you two are not on the same page when it comes to this relationship in the first page.

And to me, the whole notice thing seems to be just another way to try and control you. By making it seem like you "messed up" the breakup, he can claim you need to try again. Don't let it bother you. 

Good luck, and I'm sorry it turned into such a mess. 

Original Post by cucumberlube:

I had to break up with someone last night. I feel nasty and despicable and cruel. I wasted two years of this guy's life. I honestly did love him for awhile though, and I still care about him. I have no interest in a relationship anymore. I would be lying if I said I want to dedicate myself to it. For the record it was a long distance relationship and we have only seen each other 3 or 4 times in the two year span. I'm 20 years old and I feel trapped. I need someone here you know? Someone I can spend time with at night, or go out to dnner with, or to the movies. 


I don't know when I started having the change of heart, I guess a few months ago. I hoped that it was a phase, and that I wouldn't break his heart, that I would pull through it. But.. I didn't. And after basically ignoring him for a few days. No, not ignoring, just not making any effort to talk to him. I would answer if he called. We talked last night, and I told him I wanted to end things. And he was understandably upset. He started saying really mean things about me, about how I should have given him some sort of notice, and my dad, and about how his mom could die at any moment, that I destroyed him and destroyed his life, and at the end he said I should start checking the obituaries because I would see his name soon enough.

I don't know what to do. I can't be the one to comfort him but what if he does hurt himself? Should I call one of his friends? His mom? Do I call a helpline? The police?  Would that just make it worse? I've never been in this situation before. I would rather him lash out at me. There's nothing he can say that can make me feel any worse than I already do. I suck at confrontations and take a passive approach to everything in life, and it's half the reason I stayed in this so long. I didn't want to hurt him, but by not ending things I was just delaying the inevitable. I'm trying to do right by him the best I can. 

I know I hurt him, but I can't stand the thought of him hurting himself. 

About the whole giving notice thing.. is he for real? I've never ever broke up with anyone before. Are you supposed to give a two week notice? I should have told him I wasn't feeling as dedicated with the relationship right? This has been one awful train wreck of a break up, all because of my immaturity.


that happened to me. pandamouse is right, these kinds of guys are very controlling. he was in the marines and i called the military cops because i was 8 hours away and didn't know what else to do

Hi.  I am sorry you are going through this.  Although he is manipulative and controlling, ANYONE who threatens suicide should be taken seriously.  Whether you know his mother or not, call her and tell her.  If there is no family member available, call the police.  Good Luck.

Threatening to kill one's self is the classic hallmark of a manipulative personality. And once they threaten suicide sometimes they really go through with attempts just to get your attention. Any threat of suicide should be taken seriously because what we've learned in psychiatry is that people who commit suicide do give clues to their loved ones before the actual act of suicide. One of this is being vocal about committing suicide (even in a joking tone or they make it appear as if it was just a joke). You should contact someone close to him (parents, friends, siblings) and ask them to monitor your ex-BF for subtle signs of impending suicide like- saying goodbye to loved ones for no apparent reason, thanking loved ones for all the things they have done for him again for no apparent reason, giving away his stuff, telling people what he'd like people to have from his stuff (sort of a Will). Tell his loved ones to try to convince him to go to therapy.

Hope this helps.

Check the obituaries? It would be a very sad day for the person who said that to me. I don't have time to do my f'cking laundry. I'm not looking for your dang obituary because you're throwing a crybaby fit.

For those who want to get all boo hoo on me, go ahead. I'm not responsible for another person's health, especially when it is detrimental to my health and happiness. Period. End of story.

this is called "emotional blackmail."  tell his mommy and then forget it.  his safety is not your responsibility.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

this is called "emotional blackmail."  tell his mommy and then forget it.  his safety is not your responsibility.

this.

OP, i had an emotionally controlling d-bag of an ex pull that exact same line on me.  i phoned and told his mom.  she didn't even buy it in the least...

but after you do that...don't go back.  don't answer calls from him.  or texts.  or anything.  just begin the process of moving on.

I had that happen to me..worried like crazy for a couple of days..he d-bag is fine and kicking now and breaking up was the best thing i did...

Spending 2 years talkin to the person you would know how he would react to soemthing like this. Let that guide you. Cut all contact and move on. You not being in the same place as him is the best thing. Makes it easier to get on wit your lives.

Dont worry.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I thought telling his parents would be a **** storm if he didn't mean it, so I just called his best friend and told him what all had happened and asked him to be there for him.

I don't take suicide threats very lightly. One of my close friends took her life last year, and I'm still devastated from that. He knows this. I think he's using that to get me back, but that just sends me running further in the opposite direction. 

I just want to get through this. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't mind people breaking up with me.. to me that says I'm not what they want, and if that's the case I would rather be with someone who wants me.

But this has been awful. He's so hurt. I hate hurting people. 

Original Post by cucumberlube:

I don't take suicide threats very lightly.

this is why you should tell his parents.  it's not fair to dump it in the lap of a friend, and the ensuing **** is not your problem.  but - whatever.

Original Post by cucumberlube:

But this has been awful. He's so hurt. I hate hurting people. 

 Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have the same concern for you.

This is a terrible burden on you and it will be hard to break ties with him..but you must!  If he's this unstable you must distance yourself as completely as possible.  Don't get trapped into any more time with him, don't accept emails, phone calls, etc.  Change your addresses, number if you have to.   Don't make his problems your own. 

I had a boyfriend say the same thing to me during Sophomore year of high school.  He would call me 100's (no exaggeration) times a day and cry and sob on my voicemail about how he was going to kill himself.  Well, it's about 5 years later now, and he is happily married with 2 babies.  Not dead.  I'm not saying that your boyfriend is the same as he was, but most times people say that, they are just trying to make you feel bad in order to stay with them.  I'm glad I decided to break up with him because we weren't fully happy together.  Breaking up gave us *both* a chance to be happy.

Not your problem! he's an adult and therefore responsible for himself and his actions.

it's not the rule but it generally goes that people who are serious about it do not announce it they just go ahead and do it leaving a note or not.

OK was going to write more but it just makes me look even more cold hearted than i am so i'll just leave it at that :)

#18  
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Original Post by cucumberlube:

For the record it was a long distance relationship and we have only seen each other 3 or 4 times in the two year span.

Hang on. So we're talking about a guy you've only seen 3 or 4 times in your life. WOW. Either the guy is a manipulative buffoon, or has no life outside the internet and the phone, or both.

YOu did the right thing by breaking up with him. Don't give in to his threats. As everyone else said, he is being a manipulative jerk, preying on your grief for your friend. DOn't let him.

 

You shouldn't respond to this ... he's trying to hold you an emotional hostage. You should tell his parents or whoever he lives with that he made this threat and then it's out of your hands.

My first boyfried did the same thing ... he got over it.

Best of luck.

...

After reading how many **** boyfriends have threatened to commit suicide, I change my mind. All throughout high school and two years of college, I have never heard of an ex threatening to kill themselves over a break up. I had no idea it happened so often.

Ignore my first post. Tell the guy's parents along with his friend, and then cut off all ties. It will be less painful for both of you.

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