Stepmoms or Those Dating a Guy With Kids
I'm honestly just interested in your experiences. There are so many different people here, with different life experiences and backgrounds and I'd like to know what it was like/has been like for you if you married a man with kids or are dating a man with kids...especially in the beginning.
Did his kids like you? Did you like them? (Please be honest...I really hope no one is going to get ugly in this thread...but I would really like to know.)
Were you/are you ever jealous of the time he spent with his kids?
Did you ever feel like his kids might cause serious problems in the relationship?
How did you adapt to the situation?
What about the ex? Or the "Baby Mama"?
Just curious. Not really very relevant to my situation since I just started dating a guy with a little girl, but it has gotten me thinking and I'd love some feedback and to hear some of your experiences.
I dated a great guy with 3 year old twins. I really liked them (and he said they adored me, especially the little girl), even though it was weird being with someone with kids. He had been an acquaintance for many years, but we didn't start dating until after I had moved to another country, so it was a long distance relationship (we took turns visiting each other about twice a month, and I chatted with the kids via webcam). Jealousy wasn't an issue, we didn't see each other that often anyway.
But his kids were the reason we broke up. I wasn't prepared to move back. He wanted to move where I was, it would have been great for his career too. But his ex stepped in and said she would never allow the kids to travel internationally even though it was a short flight in between (she hated me, even though we had never met), so it came down to him choosing between me/his career and his kids. He had primary custody, but both parents have to agree if there's a move or travel. I didn't want him to have to make that decision (he was leaning toward moving, despite the problems) so I broke up with him.
In the beginning my SD was about 3 months old. She didn't like me. Please don't laugh, seriously, she was not my fan. But I wasn't her mother and maybe at 3 months old, she just wanted her mom. DH and his ex had separated before she was born (their marriage lasted from Aug of one year to March of the next). They had joint custody of DS.
Helping DH with SD the first 2 years was hard. HARD. Looking back, I'm not sure why we never broke up over it. I didn't want kids then and still don't now. It's a strange position to be in when the child is that young. You can't just be a stepmom and you can't just be "friends." DH and I work really, really well as a team and that helped. Too, SD was just an amazing little girl.
The ex is...a long story. We've been together for almost 6 years now and DH was just awarded custody of SD last week. It's been a long road and I think (I hope) that parts of my experience are more exception than norm.
Now, SD and I get along smashingly.
i don't think i would date someone with little kids again. teenagers, maybe, but not little ones. they're the center of his world, as they should be. and if they aren't the center of his world, that's an even bigger problem.
it's just too complicated.
Wow, lbh, she was only 3 months old? That's actually really sad.
Did you ever feel like you made it worse/harder for her? Just by being around?
I'm not insinuating that you did, I'm just asking.
pumpkins, you really have to stop playing the "just curious" card. it doesn't fly. you should tell us what you're actually asking. are you worried about the impact of the boyfriend on your boy? or does the boyfriend have kids?
Lol, it really ISN'T about me, I promise.
I had a stepmom growing up and I always hated her...but I never really thought about her side of it or what it must have felt like before. The more I think about it, the more I realize how...strange and uncomfortable and terrible it could be.
We're a long, long way from that right now. I don't think it will be pleasant when and if Nick and I decide to be more serious...but I can't worry about that for now.
Original Post by nicepumpkins:
Lol, it really ISN'T about me, I promise.
I had a stepmom growing up and I always hated her...but I never really thought about her side of it or what it must have felt like before. The more I think about it, the more I realize how...strange and uncomfortable and terrible it could be.
We're a long, long way from that right now. I don't think it will be pleasant when and if Nick and I decide to be more serious...but I can't worry about that for now.
you should read this a couple of times. it's crazy contradictory.
it's perfectly normal to be thinking about these questions. they're important. pretending it's not personal is just...dumb.
No, I'm just saying it's not about my relationship. And offering another reason why this really, really isn't a personal thread.
I joined cafemom this weekend and some of the stories I read from stepmothers were awful...the drama and the stress and relationship strain, it was overwhelming. I hope none of the guys I've ever dated felt that way since I have a child...I guess it's probably different, though, because his dad isn't in the picture. It's pretty much just he and I.
So you say no babies or little ones, eh? I'd think teenagers would be worse...but then again...I don't really care for other people's kids that much.
Original Post by nicepumpkins:
Wow, lbh, she was only 3 months old? That's actually really sad.
Did you ever feel like you made it worse/harder for her? Just by being around?
I'm not insinuating that you did, I'm just asking.
Yes, she was only 3 months old. You have to consider, the only way she's ever known her life is with Daddy, Momma, and Laura. That's it. I've always been there. She does know that I'm her stepmom, that her Momma and her Daddy were married a long time ago and she knows that her Daddy and her Laura are married now.
Please keep in mind that my life for the last 5-6 years has been quite changed and influenced by this little girl so what comes next is probably biased. I don't think that my presence has ever made it worse/harder for her. I think she's kind of fortunate to have someone to talk to openly about her life at both homes. I think that she's always, always had someone there for her, whether Mom, Dad or me. And that hopefully, that won't change.
I have no clue what it's like to look at her life through her eyes. My parents are still together and my childhood was amazing. I find it difficult to try to imagine what she may see me as or feel towards me. But I know I get tackled by this little lady with huge bear hugs in the afternoon, I know that the highlight of her night is for me to read to/with her, and that I'm her favorite Candyland playmate. I think we've adapted to each other well.
Kids will always be an issue, they don't have to be a deal breaker but often are. For me personally, have younger children is the main reason I don't date. For the most part, women my age do not want to be in a relationship that involves school aged children. I have a 5 grader which makes me undesirable. As my kids get older it will be less of an issue.
At your age, I wouldn't think that young children would be a barrier. Certainly it is a consideration and it can be hard to work out scheduling around the schedule of the two families but there is no reason why it can't work out. Often the biggest problem is an uncooperative ex.
Why did you hate your stop mom, was it because of how she treated you or because she wasn't your mom? Did your mom sabotage your relationship with her?
My stepmom just...didn't like us. She wasn't really a kid person. She changed a lot once she had a baby (my sister), but I don't remember her really trying to have fun or be nice and cool or anything. She seemed more concerned with discipline and keeping order, really. Not fun.
Nick's little girl is sweet but obviously having a very difficult time with her mom not being around. I mean, she's two. It's understandable. I haven't met the ex yet (it's really not that serious) and I honestly dread it. I already have such a bad impression of her! How can I go into that with an open mind and be nice and friendly? Sounds like a big challange for me.
I think I would be a sucky stepmom. I'm jealous, selfish, overly protective of my own kid, sensitive and sometimes need a lot more attention and affection than a grown woman should. I have a lot of respect for you stepmothers out there.
There are good people and there are bad people. There are good parents and there are bad parents. There are good step-parents and there are bad step-parents. You get to choose which you will be.
How do you feel towards your friends' children? My best friend years ago was also my son's best friend's mother, so we did a lot of things altogether. Rose and I decided early on to let either of us discipline the boys (she also had a son 2 years younger) when needed, and backed the other up. Once the boys got to about 10, we worked on the principle they were lying until proven otherwise. Harsh, but often correct! It was a lot like a marriage, as they could't play one of us off against the other.
As for stepchildren, I have a stepdaughter but we have no contact. Because of my husband's illness, he is not able to deal with his ex when she makes a fuss, so it was easier just to give in. He sends Christmas and birthday cards (with money), but never gets a Thank You note or phone call. I was lucky with my ex, as we always got on (still do, but his newish wife isn't too keen on me).
I don't think so. I assume that you would be the same type of stepmom as you are mom. (I know that it's two different things, but honestly, I can't imagine interacting with a child of mine any differently than I do SD)
If nothing changes and I actually start dating again, I'm not going to tell people that I have children.
There's no upside to it.
I'll meet people, eventually someone with whom things will get more serious and at that point I'll tell her and explain to her why I chose not to tell her earlier.
She'll either be okay with it or wont and we'll go from there.
Original Post by ignayshus:
If nothing changes and I actually start dating again, I'm not going to tell people that I have children.
i hate to break it to you, but people will ask. and lying about that is sure to bite you in the ass later.
I could ask if they have any major medical conditions, but it'd be just as tacky.
Oh Iggy.
Can you honestly envision yourself getting serious with someone who would be okay with that lie? Really? Or worse, could you honestly be ok with perpetrating such a deceit on someone who is worth better from you?
Beyond here be dragons.
Original Post by pgeorgian:
Original Post by ignayshus:
If nothing changes and I actually start dating again, I'm not going to tell people that I have children.
i hate to break it to you, but people will ask. and lying about that is sure to bite you in the ass later.
I've always taken the opposite approach. I don't like to lie and I can't imagine just omitting a detail that important.
I will acknowledge, though, that it will keep many women away.
Original Post by pgeorgian:
Original Post by ignayshus:
If nothing changes and I actually start dating again, I'm not going to tell people that I have children.
i hate to break it to you, but people will ask. and lying about that is sure to bite you in the ass later.
Holy crap, this. If i started dating a guy and he waited until things started getting serious to mention he had kids, it would instantly be over, because i'd feel deceived. That's way too important to hide and it seems unfair to not let a woman decide if she's ok with it at the start
