hey, i know this is suuper long, but if anyone wants to read, it would be much appreciated...
i thought id post on here because i want to talk to people about how i feel but have already probably bored the life out of my family and closest friends sobbing to them, and this is the only site i am a member of that has a message room...
i am now 20 years old. i met a boy when i was 16 who i fell INSTANTLY in love with--like "love at first sight," seriously. we didnt start dating until a year and a half later, after much pining on my end, hah. he is a year younger than me. anyway, we started dating my senior year of high school when i was 17, his junior year, and were head-over-heels in love. we have talked about getting married, where we wanted to live together and build our life, all that. i went to college out of state the following year and we stayed together, but it was awful--we missed each other so much and spent over a thousand dollars on plane tickets to see each other over the course of the year. so i moved home after finishing the year there to go to community college to be closer to him because i truly was not happy away. that was in may 2010.
anyway, the past couple months we have been growing apart, because i have been working two jobs and living about an hour away so we never get to see each other much, but i didnt think it was a huge deal because it was just a summer job and after all, we had been much farther apart--and we had all our lives to make up for time spent working to pay for school. then two weeks ago on the 4th of july, he broke up with me... saying that he still loved me but "not in the same way" and that i "was like a sister." i wasnt surprised because like i said, i had been feeling it too, but i am in a state of disbelief that he truly does not want to be with me. i outright BEGGED him not to make it final. he is honestly my BEST friend after growing up together through high school and the first two years of college, and i am his too, but he wouldn't budge.
He proceeded to spend the next 2 weeks hanging out with one of his female coworkers, who i found out he spent 4th of july with, just hours after breaking up with me. he admitted to me today that he likes her and is pursuing her (....its only been 2 weeks apart after nearly THREE YEARS TOGETHER). he is such a good guy, not sleazy at all, so this is so bizarre...not to mention heartbreaking..
i know this is such a typical young love tale... but how do i get over this? my parents and friends keep telling me to "let go" and that "it will get better with time" but i honestly dont see how i am supposed to let go. i dont WANT to have to face all this time in between now and whenever it will feel "better". i still feel like this is a horrible nightmare that i will wake up from. how do i move on? how do i not cry every second thinking about how my best friend and the person i love doesn't want to be with me...and moreover, already wants to be with someone else?
if anyone has ever been through something like this...please share.. i feel SO alone and miserable every second.
I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened to you. While I haven't been through an exact incident like this, I can tell you I have been through true heartbreak. The only thing I can say to you is to take things one day at a time, breath, and remember that you never know what tomorrow will bring -- anything can happen.
You do have to let go for your own sake as well as his sake. If your friendship has any chance of surviving this it will be because you let him have his space and find your own. The longer you cling the more uncomfortable he'll feel and the more awkward you'll feel which is likely to leave you as strangers rather than friends.
For you it's just 2 weeks, but for him it could well have been longer. He could have been waiting for the right time to break up with you which while it sucks is done out of friendship and love (I did this once and waited 2 months to find the right time because he was working out of state and up for a promotion, it was a reflief to have it finally over and I did make a date for the next weekend)- there really is not right time so it's better to just do it, but hindsight is 20/20. It does mean that he's likely to have already worked through a lot of the issues for him surrounding breaking up. For you it might very well seem like he doesn't care. There's nothing sleezy about a single guy pursuing a single woman and it's for her to deal with now if she finds something wrong with it.
Love/infatuation, it could be either or some combination. Obviously you two are not feeling the same things right now.
I am sorry about how the break up and how hurt you feel. I think it is going to take time. 2 weeks to get over a long term relationship is for most people just too soon. I know your ex is already with someone but to me that is a sign of his confusion of what he wants or needs in a relationship. When you do get into a long term relationship so young one member may get curious and also confused of the unknown. This can make them want to date more to see what is out there.
Right now I would encourage you to work on moving forward in life. Allow yourself to feel and cry. You have to face the feelings to move forward. Do you feel comfortable talking to your family and friends? I know you stated that they said you need to move forward which I agree with but it is not going to happen over night. It will be a process and take time. Being around people and trying to enjoy life can help. In time then you may want to start dating again and see how that feels.
I hope you feel better
i cant tell you how much it means to me to read your responses here. all my friends have only been through breakups of short-term relationships, and my parents have actually never been through a breakup since they were the super shy type who hadnt really dated before meeting each other mid twenties lol. so it really makes me feel better to know that im not alone and that others have been through heartbreak.
since posting this, i met up with him to have a kind of closure talk. it was really, really hard, but i told him i couldn't be friends with him if he is going to be involved with other girls--at least not yet, because it seriously kills me. we have had tickets to go see the new harry potter movie in imax tomorrow with my parents for about 2 months...and i told him i thought it was best if he didnt come.. he was upset and asked if we could please just be "kind of friends" and it was difficult but i stood my ground and said no. i told him that i loved him and i wanted him to be happy so i wasnt going to stand in his way, but that this had really hurt me and i would never move on if we were still seeing each other, even as friends. he said he was really sorry but that being with the other girl felt "right"...and then he left to go to her house.
smw- you made a good point about not being sleazy, i hadnt thought of it from that perspective, although that is crushing to think that he hadnt wanted to be with me for a while already.
but, i feel a little better already because i feel like i made the right decision to not be friends with him for right now even though now i have to cope with losing my best friend as well...this is just awful.
thank you all for saying that you hope i feel better. i hope i do too and once again thank you thank you thank you for reading and responding, it really means a lot despite the fact that i dont actually know any of you.
Girl, you're still SO young! You have so much time to meet new people, continue school, see new things, travel, and have a great time! Most importantly, you can find who you are and who you want to be without being held back at all!
I know it doesn't seem like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you will FOR SURE meet another amazing man! It's so understandable that you feel like dirt now... But things always look up. They always do.
Sorry to hear. For a young girl going through a big break up you sure seem level headed and grounded. You'll be a great catch one day for someone who deserves you. If he doesn't think you're the one, someone will. Breakups happen to everyone and it is incredibly tough but if you get down the best thing to do is to get out there and excercise. Work out. Go running. Hang out with friends and family. Don't keep yourself secluded. Good luck to ya.
Original Post by happysteps:i know this is such a typical young love tale... but how do i get over this? my parents and friends keep telling me to "let go" and that "it will get better with time" but i honestly dont see how i am supposed to let go. i dont WANT to have to face all this time in between now and whenever it will feel "better". i still feel like this is a horrible nightmare that i will wake up from. how do i move on? how do i not cry every second thinking about how my best friend and the person i love doesn't want to be with me...and moreover, already wants to be with someone else?
When you realize that your true worth comes from within you and not from being validated by being loved, you will get over this. A lot of your pain, angst and even your wanting to remain a friend come from wanting to be validated by his love.
I'm so sorry! It sucks to be in the position you're in... I know from experience. It hurts and it's hard to think of anything else... which makes the hurt even worse!
two things... one advice and the other a life observation...
Observation: I am 40 (ish) :) and I can tell you from experience at your age, you've experience maybe two of the people you will be over the expanse of your lifetime... What I mean is, you'll literally be a different person over different age spans of your life... and they all have a purpose in making you the wonderful character you'll eventually become comfortable being...
So although it sucks and it hurts now, you'll come through this stronger, and more experienced - able to deal with more and give others help and great advice in the future.
You'll like who you grow into and who you CHOOSE to be and you'll learn that being you is good enough... you don't need the validation of others - although, I must say, it's nice to be validated by those who love you, but it's great to get to a place where you don't necessarily need the validation (it takes a while to get there - trust me!)
Advice: Go help someone else. Volunteer with someone who could really use a hand - perhaps even an elderly person who has life experience and whom you could learn from. Helping others is the most selfish gift you can give, because it really comes back to you 10 fold. :) Gets your mind off you and you'll heal faster.
You'll be ok, no wait, you'll be AWESOME. This experience will prepare you for the next LOVE OF YOUR LIFE....really.
I've had my heart truly ripped out twice, and it is not easy. I could give you all the usual stuff -- you're young, you will meet someone else, give it time, etc. And while all of that stuff is absolutely true, I know it doesn't for a second change how you are feeling at this moment in time.
Having been through this myself, I can tell you that there is no easy fix. But my advice is as follows:
- Cut off contact. Completely. Tie up whatever loose ends you need to (i.e. return possession, pay back money borrowed, etc.) and then for 60 days, DO NOT talk to/text/call/message/email him.
- Try to stop worrying about what he is doing. I know that's really hard, but force yourself not to ask mutual friends about him. Frankly, what he is up to doesn't much matter.
- Use the time to focus on yourself. During my first break up, I signed up to train for a marathon. It gave me somewhere to put my energy and allowed me to do something for ME. Take an art class. Volunteer. Learn a language. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's something just for you
- Exercise, it's a natural anti-depressant. Eat well. Don't let your health slip.
- Fake it 'til you make it. Right now, I know just getting up every morning is daunting. But continue to force yourself to go through the motions, taking each day (or hour or minute, even) at a time. Focus on what the next task is going to be (shower ... drive to work ... go grocery shopping ... etc.). Eventually, you'll realize that you aren't forcing yourself, you're just living your life again.
- Keep in mind that if he were really that amazing, he wouldn't have dumped you. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
Chin up. It does get easier. Message me if you want to talk.
Original Post by dc_runner81:
I've had my heart truly ripped out twice, and it is not easy. I could give you all the usual stuff -- you're young, you will meet someone else, give it time, etc. And while all of that stuff is absolutely true, I know it doesn't for a second change how you are feeling at this moment in time.
Having been through this myself, I can tell you that there is no easy fix. But my advice is as follows:
- Cut off contact. Completely. Tie up whatever loose ends you need to (i.e. return possession, pay back money borrowed, etc.) and then for 60 days, DO NOT talk to/text/call/message/email him.
- Try to stop worrying about what he is doing. I know that's really hard, but force yourself not to ask mutual friends about him. Frankly, what he is up to doesn't much matter.
- Use the time to focus on yourself. During my first break up, I signed up to train for a marathon. It gave me somewhere to put my energy and allowed me to do something for ME. Take an art class. Volunteer. Learn a language. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's something just for you
- Exercise, it's a natural anti-depressant. Eat well. Don't let your health slip.
- Fake it 'til you make it. Right now, I know just getting up every morning is daunting. But continue to force yourself to go through the motions, taking each day (or hour or minute, even) at a time. Focus on what the next task is going to be (shower ... drive to work ... go grocery shopping ... etc.). Eventually, you'll realize that you aren't forcing yourself, you're just living your life again.
- Keep in mind that if he were really that amazing, he wouldn't have dumped you. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
Chin up. It does get easier. Message me if you want to talk.
Great advice. I went through a break up this past April of a long-term relationship and it took me some time but after I followed ALL of these points I began to realize that I'm going to be okay. Chin up girl. Take care of yourself. *HUGS*
Original Post by cajunrider:
Original Post by happysteps:i know this is such a typical young love tale... but how do i get over this? my parents and friends keep telling me to "let go" and that "it will get better with time" but i honestly dont see how i am supposed to let go. i dont WANT to have to face all this time in between now and whenever it will feel "better". i still feel like this is a horrible nightmare that i will wake up from. how do i move on? how do i not cry every second thinking about how my best friend and the person i love doesn't want to be with me...and moreover, already wants to be with someone else?
When you realize that your true worth comes from within you and not from being validated by being loved, you will get over this. A lot of your pain, angst and even your wanting to remain a friend come from wanting to be validated by his love.
This. wholeheartedly. and time. I promise, time fixes it. You'll see. But the interim sucks. Stay busy, and take care of YOU!
(((hugs)))
Oh and listen to Sara Evans' song "a little bit stronger'. It. Is. Awesome. Warning it is country...but I love that song. THE perfect break-up song.
Sorry, break ups suck no matter which end of them you're on.
Think about it this way, the dynamic has changed, there is no going back so you can only go forward. It will never be what it was, but now you have the potential for something better.
As far as this other lady goes, it might have been his attraction to her that made him realize that you two were not working out. Better to have him break up with you than to cheat on you, he gets kuddos for that.
Whatever you do, don't get back together with him a few months from now, a year from now, or ever unless you have been able to figure out what problems you had and resolve them. Also, try to figure out what issues you had before jumping into another relationship. Not that there's anything wrong with finding a new lover/love if that's what you want but make sure that you're clear about where your head and heart are first.
I can relate.
And I know it doesn't help, but it will get better. One day, you will realize that you haven't thought about him in a few hours. And then another day, you will realize you haven't talked to him or even tried in a week. It happens gradually and it's not something you can put a lot of effort into, ya know? For me, the more I try not to think about someone, the more I do...because my inner thought process is, "Don't think about him, don't think about him, don't think about him." Sort of defeats the purpose.
Staying busy really does help. Starting a new project or setting a new goal for yourself. Exercise always helps me get my mind off things and just feel better about myself. Friends can be helpful, but only if they don't allow you to whine and wallow and moan.
Act like you are already over it and pretty soon it will be true. I hope you feel better soon, sorry for your troubles.
Original Post by happysteps:
since posting this, i met up with him to have a kind of closure talk. it was really, really hard, but i told him i couldn't be friends with him if he is going to be involved with other girls--at least not yet, because it seriously kills me. we have had tickets to go see the new harry potter movie in imax tomorrow with my parents for about 2 months...and i told him i thought it was best if he didnt come.. he was upset and asked if we could please just be "kind of friends" and it was difficult but i stood my ground and said no. i told him that i loved him and i wanted him to be happy so i wasnt going to stand in his way, but that this had really hurt me and i would never move on if we were still seeing each other, even as friends. he said he was really sorry but that being with the other girl felt "right"...and then he left to go to her house.
Kudos, that was exactly the right move.
And yes, his going straight to her house hurt, but at least it was true.
DC runner gives some excelent advice. Focus on you until you stop obsessing over what was.
All of you have given me wonderful advice. I havent been on the computer for a while since posting in order to resist the urge to go on facebook and undoubtedly then to his page...haha (why did facebook have to be invented??) so that is why I have yet to reply.
It means a lot to me to see that so many other people have had similar experiences. Of course, I know that this is just one of those things that "everybody goes through" but I was finding that sentiment hard to take to heart when the people who were telling me that had never actually been through it themselves.
So far I am just trying to take it hour by hour, day by day, like you all said. I am truly taking all of your advice and kind wishes to heart... I know I've said this a bunch already but it really does mean a lot to me. So far I have found that the best way to not be sad is to prevent myself from thinking about it AT ALL, which is tough because everything is a reminder, but oh well.
It's hard to believe that not even a month ago we were together. I feel like I am in a different world entirely now. I think it's difficult for me to find self worth right now because we got together at a time in my life when I was not only younger, but I wasn't too happy with myself or my past decisions. I became a better, more confident, and happier person through his love and support, so now that he's gone, I'm finding it hard to figure out exactly where I stand, because I don't want to go back to being the person I was before.
As far as some of the advice goes, I am continuing to eat well and exercise, although I have found that I have not had ANY appetite since the breakup (honestly a phenomenon I never thought I would experience, haha.) I like the idea about setting goals, training for a marathon, etc. I will have to do that.
Thanks so much to everyone. If anyone else has a similar story to share or any story or advice, I would still be glad to hear it. Thank you all.
i was also wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with his family?
he is an only child and so i became very close to his parents, his mom especially, going on trips & outings, spending thanksgiving, christmas, and birthdays together, etc. i feel sad that i dont get to see his mom to say goodbye or explain why i am suddenly not coming over anymore or calling to say hi and chat. i highly doubt my ex has told his mom that he is with someone else; as far as she knows, it was an amicable breakup and we are still best friends. :(
at the same time, i dont want to be the creepy ex girlfriend that still talks to the boyfriends family but not the boyfriend.
damn, i hate saying ex.....
I do miss my ex's family but I feel that in order for you to recover well I think it's best for you to part ways with the family. I know it's hard. I had to de-friend my ex's mom on facebook, which I felt bad about, but she kept commenting on my posts and it just reminded me of him and I felt like it was getting in the way with my healing. I'm still friends with his sister but I have her statuses hidden, her blocked on chat, and I don't look at her page. I don't think you need a constant reminder of him. You need to move on and get on with your own life. It's all about getting over the past and finding new beginnings right now. I honestly felt like I went through a full blown divorce because I was so close with his family but I've been feeling so much better after cutting off those ties and focusing on myself and not "what went wrong" etc, etc.
A quote that has helped me, "just because you love someone, doesn't mean they were the right person for you."
It's okay to be sad during this time, but remember to take care of yourself and surround yourself with friends/family.
I watched the man I loved and tore myself away from in tears cheerfully walk away through the departure hall of London Heathrow and straight into the arms of someone else. I also watched him father a child for her whereas he'd been adamant he didn't want any with me.
It hurts. Like frack. And it's gonna hurt for a while, but Lost is right, bit by bit you'll get him out of your mind until eventually you realize you haven't thought about him in days, the weeks, then months.
And believe it or not the fact that he has gone straight to someone else will make this a bit quicker.
I once heard that truly getting over someone takes about 30% of the time you were togehter. In my case that was actually true :-/ A different love -albeit a short one - helped to sweep the last sorrow out of the corners.
But yes, its hard. You made the right decision and you are not alone.
kikt- i'm so sorry that happened to you, aaahhh some parts of life are just **** i guess. I hope you are doing much better now and that I am able to be as strong as you were through this!!
oh and connielicious- i listened to that song, and i cried, and i loved it. thank you thank you :)
today i had a long shift alone at work and spent the whole time researching things to do to get my mind off of this. there is a half marathon in my city in november that i think i will start training for, and volunteer somewhere or something. maybe donate some blood.
i will also cut off contact with his family and i think i'll wait a couple weeks--maybe months--before trying to meet and exchange belongings... because otherwise i will probably end up bursting into tears and shouting or something...
such good advice everyone. thank you.
