How do you tell a friend their parties/bbqs suck?
So a couple of friend's of mine (husband wife duo) are throwing a Memorial Day bbq, and my husband and I were invited. We haven't seen these friends in a while so we are going...but OMG they have the most boring get-togethers. No music, no food, no booze or drinking games, just kind of standing or sitting around doing nothing. I won't go into the particulars but needless to say these friends don't know how to cook/bbq, they don't drink, and they are just overall terrible hosts. They hosted New Years at their place and I ended up falling asleep by 10pm cause it was so boring. How do you make New Years boring?!?!
On the flip side, I have some other friends that throw THE BEST parties. They have a fire pit, they brew their own beer, have a kegerator, AND a cocktail bar, they love to drink, there's always some sort of homemade party food tray, awesome music (impromptu dance contests in the kitchen!), they even go so far as to give out prizes for 'winning' drinking games. Every time I go over there its a blast, unfortunately they will be out of state for memorial day :(
Regarding my lame-o friends, I'm thinking of giving the wife some tips on how to liven up their parties, but how do you tell a friend "uh, your parties suck, here's how you make them better" without offending them? I've tried bringing music and some games, but the vibe just isn't the same. Its almost like lame-o friends think they are 'too cool' to be domestic and proper hosts to their guests. As if its beneath them to put out a fruit platter and a game of horse shoes--cause its totally suburban and god help their street cred if they do anything suburban. *eyeroll*
Normally I'd just say 'eff it and stop attending their parties (which I've pretty much done since the New Years disaster), but we've already RSVP'd for the Memorial Day bbq and I'd feel shady backing out. Ugh, I'm already dreading it, and I shouldn't be dreading a bbq!!!
Either way I plan on doing as much as I can to at least entertain myself and my husband (summer-mix CD, materials needed for booze-o-buckets, and lots of alcohol); but I really feel like I need to let the wife know, soonish, that their parties are literally, the dullest thing ever. I could stay home and play on the PSP and be more entertained.
Thoughts or ideas on how to tell her that their parties suck? I'm at a loss on what to say that doesn't come across as offensive or jerkish.
LOL! Ok, you can't teach her how to host in time for this party you've committed to. Just limit your time there, and leave early. Maybe your parents have something urgent that needs doing, idk.
eta: and, would just do my best to engage people there - talk to everyone, make it fun.
eta: really though, how do they not serve food at a bbq? not even veg and dip?
i wouldn't have thought it'd be up to you to comment at all unless, as kg said, you're really close, and it doesn't sound like you are.
If she's a close friend, you could call her up during the week after the Memorial day BBQ and ask her what she thought about it (if it turns out to be dull).
If she's not a close friend, I'd simply be certain to fulfill the return obligation by either inviting them to a kick-ass party, or dinner, and then decline all future invitations.
just out of curiosity: if these people are so dull to you, why are you guys "friends"? what do you appreciate about them? is that not anything you could, er, cultivate?
Original Post by janelovesjam:
eta: really though, how do they not serve food at a bbq? not even veg and dip?
Um, this.
Honestly, who throws a barbecue and doesn't at least grill some hamburgers and hotdogs?
Is eating considered bourgeois these days? 
I dunno about you but if I get invited I'll ask what they cook and then I'll show up with other stuffs.
Heck I've been known to show up at BBQ with a 80qt pot, a boiler, and 3 sacks of crawfish (about 115 lbs) and a keg of beer. If the hosts enjoy that along with me, they know what to do next time. If they don't enjoy it with me, I know not to show up next time.
I don't wait til it sucks and tell them it sucks. I make sure it doesn't suck.
You know, I probably wouldn't tell them if you think it would come across the wrong way. I suppose different people have different ideas regarding what is "fun", yeah? For example, I noticed in your OP you mentioned booze/drink like 5 or 6 times, so my guess is that you equate drinking with fun. Your friends don't. It's just different tastes for different people.
If you value their friendship I would just be as social as possible and be nice. You can still have fun without all the music and beer. Try to bring a card game or one of those group activities games. Also, call ahead and bring food for goodness sake. Good luck.
They wont be friends much longer if you criticize their parties.
In the past, I've just brought my own booze and made my own party.
If they get upset, who gives a flip...their parties suck.
I think the best way to tell someone you think their parties are boring is to not go.
Any other course of action is totally rude.
Original Post by chochomun:
just out of curiosity: if these people are so dull to you, why are you guys "friends"? what do you appreciate about them? is that not anything you could, er, cultivate?
Well they are great in 4-some settings ( me, my husband, friend, and her husband) as they are mainly...conversationalists. we have a great time just hanging out, shooting the s***, that sort of thing. Once you add more people to the scenario, like a party, the energy starts to die. Also friend's husband and my husband are childhood friends (used to be besties, but divergent life paths kinda cooled off that aspect of the relationship)
Regarding the food, they tend to operate on a BYO basis (which would be fine, if you told your guests that its BYO). The last time the had a bbq they just had NO idea; you can't invite 25 people and then buy a 4 pack of sawdust burgers and an 8 pack of hotdogs and call it day (he even forgot the buns!). Plus dude-friend can't grill for s***, its always undercooked and flavorless. My husband has offered to grill, but hes not about to shell out $$$ for meat when that should ostensibly be the host's job.
Essentially they just don't plan for parties. They kinda still operate under the college party paradigm, where you just invite a bunch of people over and the goal is to get as wasted as possibly on the booze you brought. But we're all Old People now (not really, late 20's to early 30's) with houses and full kitchens. At this point you'd presume that if someone is throwing a party at their Fancy Adult House they'd stock up for it, right?
Yesterday I asked wife-friend if I should bring a fruit platter or something else, in case she already got a fruit platter....her response: lol what fruit platter?
ಠ_ಠ
This does not bode well.
Original Post by trh:
I think the best way to tell someone you think their parties are boring is to not go.
Any other course of action is totally rude.
^^this.
and what Ccat said about taking your own booze...when I did drink I never went to any party with taking a bottle with me.
Sounds like you know them well enough to worm your way into the planning stage and demand some adult planning. :)
edit: the next time. heh.
What do they expect to do, sit around staring at each other. I can understand some people (like me either dont orr rarely drink) but who has a party with out food or music.
Could you call and ask if she needs help with anything, or if there is anything yiou can bring.
Other shows up for awhile and then find an excuse or prior engagement that you unfortunately have to leave for. I can't imagine many want to attend, if enough people stop comming maybe they'll get the hint.
Original Post by vonapathy:
Original Post by chochomun:
just out of curiosity: if these people are so dull to you, why are you guys "friends"? what do you appreciate about them? is that not anything you could, er, cultivate?
Well they are great in 4-some settings ( me, my husband, friend, and her husband) as they are mainly...conversationalists. we have a great time just hanging out, shooting the s***, that sort of thing. Once you add more people to the scenario, like a party, the energy starts to die. Also friend's husband and my husband are childhood friends (used to be besties, but divergent life paths kinda cooled off that aspect of the relationship)
Regarding the food, they tend to operate on a BYO basis (which would be fine, if you told your guests that its BYO). The last time the had a bbq they just had NO idea; you can't invite 25 people and then buy a 4 pack of sawdust burgers and an 8 pack of hotdogs and call it day (he even forgot the buns!). Plus dude-friend can't grill for s***, its always undercooked and flavorless. My husband has offered to grill, but hes not about to shell out $$$ for meat when that should ostensibly be the host's job.
Essentially they just don't plan for parties. They kinda still operate under the college party paradigm, where you just invite a bunch of people over and the goal is to get as wasted as possibly on the booze you brought. But we're all Old People now (not really, late 20's to early 30's) with houses and full kitchens. At this point you'd presume that if someone is throwing a party at their Fancy Adult House they'd stock up for it, right?
Yesterday I asked wife-friend if I should bring a fruit platter or something else, in case she already got a fruit platter....her response: lol what fruit platter?
ಠ_ಠ
This does not bode well.
Then tell them their party sucks under the college party paradigm...with a good old upper decking.
Original Post by vonapathy:
Original Post by chochomun:
just out of curiosity: if these people are so dull to you, why are you guys "friends"? what do you appreciate about them? is that not anything you could, er, cultivate?
Well they are great in 4-some settings ( me, my husband, friend, and her husband) as they are mainly...conversationalists. we have a great time just hanging out, shooting the s***, that sort of thing. Once you add more people to the scenario, like a party, the energy starts to die. Also friend's husband and my husband are childhood friends (used to be besties, but divergent life paths kinda cooled off that aspect of the relationship)
Regarding the food, they tend to operate on a BYO basis (which would be fine, if you told your guests that its BYO). The last time the had a bbq they just had NO idea; you can't invite 25 people and then buy a 4 pack of sawdust burgers and an 8 pack of hotdogs and call it day (he even forgot the buns!). Plus dude-friend can't grill for s***, its always undercooked and flavorless. My husband has offered to grill, but hes not about to shell out $$$ for meat when that should ostensibly be the host's job.
Essentially they just don't plan for parties. They kinda still operate under the college party paradigm, where you just invite a bunch of people over and the goal is to get as wasted as possibly on the booze you brought. But we're all Old People now (not really, late 20's to early 30's) with houses and full kitchens. At this point you'd presume that if someone is throwing a party at their Fancy Adult House they'd stock up for it, right?
Yesterday I asked wife-friend if I should bring a fruit platter or something else, in case she already got a fruit platter....her response: lol what fruit platter?
ಠ_ಠ
This does not bode well.
OK.
thought A)
can you tell them how much you adore their company in a 4-some setting and that you feel it's a shame if it is "diluted" by the other guest, that you'd rather stand back for the others until the two of them will have time for a proper meet up (wouldn't be a lie, would it?)?
thought B)
can you ask them it its BYO everytime they invite you? and also if everyone else knows? lame, I know, but...
thought C)
ever tried over-complementing them (is that a word at all?!?) on how laid back and sexily frugal blah blah blah their dos always are? would they get it.
thought D)
trh and amd_66 actually said it already: if you point it out to them at all, be prepared to hurt or p*** them off. no way around it.
Original Post by gotborked:
Then tell them their party sucks under the college party paradigm...with a good old upper decking.
HA! and ewwwwwuuhhhhh....
aw, i feel for them now. they're just confused.
just deal with this party (bring some kind of cheap protein - lentil salad? - and some extra booze).
then, as kg said, invite them to yours for a dinner party to show them by example how it's done. am sure more people in your circle will be doing the same.
they'll get it within a couple of years, you'll see.
If it's a BYOB college paradigm, then live up to expectations: Eat beforehand, bring your own booze along with a cup and some quarters. After you break something and shove it under a sofa, leave early and go to Waffle House.
ETA: In all seriousness, don't deliberately break something. Waffle House is still a good idea.
LOL santo!
and, don't forget your funnel
Waffle House is never a good idea. It might seem like a good idea at 2am. But then you remember that even at 2am, it's still Waffle House.
It's still higher up on the food chain than I-Hop. Which is the depository of the most depressing of 2 AM patrons.
