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so tired of my husband!


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I'm so frustrated with man i really think i will have a heart attack one  of these days.OK so here is my husband " i never  get time to myself",I'm a stay at home Mon,never really go anywhere,too tired . but my husband goes out every other weekend with his friends,goes golfing every Saturday and sometimes plays poker on Sundays,i don't have a problem with that at all,as long as he is happy.but,he doesn't help with anything around the house,always and i mean always leaves his wet towels and dirty clothes on the floor,there is dirty socks every day by the TV.I'm just going back to work and  now its going to be even harder,to keep a house clean , cook ,take care of a toddler and a grown man,double laundry to do...I'm sorry if i sound crazy,I'm just wondering if that's how life its supost to be. i hope not,i fell like I'm wasting my life away with a man that makes me angry more times than happy,who doesn't appreciate what i do, and on top of all ( sorry) no longer satisfy my needs.i do love my husband,always have, he is a wonderful man,the best father ever,but i don't want to be unhappy the rest of my life.helpCry

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you can't stay with someone that doesn't make you happy!

i don't think you should just get up and leave right away, try to fix things. if you find that he really isn't making you happy then maybe consider leaving him

NNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  THEY ARE NOT ALL THE SAME!!!!!  Stop being a doormat.  You say he's a good father...what makes him a good father and a lousy husband??    Ask youself this question -  "am I better off with him or without him"?   only you can answer that one!  Good luck.

Only if you like being a doormat.

Perhaps you guys should sit down and take a look at everything that needs to get done in order for the house to be reasonably clean, everyone fed, and taken care of, including taking care of the child(ren) and the time it takes to do the tasks. Be as realistic as possible.

Share the tasks and make sure that you also have the opportunity to have some "me time" like he does on his saturday golf trips.

If you're a stay at home mom, you bear more of the responsibilities for the upkeep of the home, but not all.

Let's say he's at work for 8 hours and has an hour for commute, so 9 total hours. You should take on chores and child care up to 9 hours. The rest you guys should split equally.

If you take on a part-time job, then subtract from your chores and childcare what you worked say 5 hours plus an hour commute (6 hours), fill in the remaining 3 hours with chores and childcare, and the split the rest equally.

edit: cute daughter btw :)

One thing I have learned by being married is communication is key. Have you talked to him about it...I let my hubby know I will not clean up after him. we have one day a week where we both clean together and then if we want anything else clean we have to individually do it.  I refuse to pick up after my hubby and I rarely cook for him. I cook my own meals and he does his.....Hope your able to talk about it and find what works for your family....

thank you for your reply,i was already in tears and now it calmed me down a litlle bit.

Original Post by pinkedache:

you can't stay with someone that doesn't make you happy!

i don't think you should just get up and leave right away, try to fix things. if you find that he really isn't making you happy then maybe consider leaving him

 thank's .i will give a try,with the talk and if all fails i may consider some counseling or so.

Make a list of the things that are truly important to you, both the ones that he does and the ones that you do.  What do you do that's extra that's not on that list?  Could a laundry basket be put in the bathroom or wherever he undresses to discard clothes and towels into?

For me, I'm a slob, but not at the expense of being considerate to others and it drives me nuts when someone else makes a mess in my space.  I also have the ability to walk right on by someone else's mess in their space.

Somethings may not be as important to get done when you think about them or he could do them in whatever half assed manner he wants to.  Other things you  may need to have done your way in which case you'll probably have to do those.

Original Post by bootser1:

One thing I have learned by being married is communication is key. Have you talked to him about it...I let my hubby know I will not clean up after him. we have one day a week where we both clean together and then if we want anything else clean we have to individually do it.  I refuse to pick up after my hubby and I rarely cook for him. I cook my own meals and he does his.....Hope your able to talk about it and find what works for your family....

 you are very lucky to have a understandable man.maybe i just need  to be more bitchyLaughing.thanx.

Have you told him you are unhappy, or do you just suck it up?  Men are not mindreaders, and they tend not to be as empathic as women (not all men, but a good many.)  Sometimes just spelling out what you want without anger or blame can go a long way.  You could say "I need you to hang up your wet towels and put your laundry in the hamper."  You're not ordering him or berating him, just saying what you need.

A good place to start is "I need you to stay home with the children one night a week so I can go out and have a break."

If this has no effect, insist on marriage counseling.

No, all men are not the same.

When he's home and his work schedule permits, my wonderful DH is great about helping out around the house -- even though maintaining the household is my primary responsibility. He would never leave wet towels or dirty clothes on the floor -- he is very respectful and we're both extraordinarily tidy.

Perhaps marriage counseling would be a good idea?

i have never complained,i guess i just sucked it up all these years and now I'm about to explode,and honest i don't even know where to start,all i know  is that i have a big problem that needs to be fixed before its to late.

Sit down and make a list of everything...is he going to take it lightly ..probably not....This is something that should have been talked about long ago and he might be hurt that you've been holding all this in..and he now is used to this lifestyle of you doing everything..........and let him know if he has anything to say now is the time..hopefully this will open the door to communication. And  me & my husband have come a long far way...I used to cook and clean by myself and do everything..And I"m like you, I tend to hold things in..but then I just started to talk about it and I had to bring it up a lot until he finally started to put it all into action and we still have our days but for the most part he has much improved in helping out..Good luck!

No, they're not all the same. Men are individuals, same as women. 

Holding things in won't resolve anything though, I know that much.

I'd start making a list so that you remember the details and can discuss them with him.  I know that when I get upset I tend to forget the points that I want to make and discuss as I get too caught up in the unfairness of the situation.  Sometimes writing them down makes me realize that they're somewhat petty or more important than I had thought.  Also, realize that once you do talk to him he hasn't had time to process and think about what  you've said and he does deserve that.

From his perspective he probably works hard and helps out around the house and doesn't realize that he's impacting you or that you're not content being a housewife with a kid.  Until you tell him, he probably has no clue that you're upset or attributes your being upset to something unrelated to him.

first *HUGS* you need it.

second.  I agree that you need to keep the lines of communication open for any marriage to work.  I also believe that marriage is more than just being with someone you love for the rest of your life - It's a partnership.  A 50/50 business. 

Men are not all the same, but it can seem like it, some times.  After a certain amount of time, anyone well get set into a routine.  Right now you and he are still set into this routine where he does what he wants and you're home with the baby tending to the house.  You need to send the baby to grandma for an evening and sit down with your husband and discuss this all.  He may object but be strong (my husband is exceptionally thick-headed so I have to sometimes insist that I be heard and it's those times that he knows he needs to listen up) and stand your ground. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you expect - some help around the house.  I hope it goes well for you.   *HUGS*

Original Post by alineamorim:

i have never complained,i guess i just sucked it up all these years and now I'm about to explode,and honest i don't even know where to start,all i know  is that i have a big problem that needs to be fixed before its to late.

Therein lies your problem. He probably doesn't even know that you feel like a doormat and honestly I don't think it's fair to be angry at him for not being able to read your mind. I used to not tell my husband to help out around the house, so he sort of assumed that cleaning up was my job. Eventually that went out the window when I started resenting doing all the house work. The thing is though, I never told him that I wasn't happy with the state of things, so it wasn't fair of me to be angry at him when he never knew it was a problem.

So basically I started saying "ok there's a new rule in the house - whoever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes; whoever washes the clothes doesn't have to fold them" stuff like that. He was surprised when he found out that cleaning the house wasn't the joy of my existence and was more than willing to help out as soon as I brought it up. The house rules are in place now - I do end up doing more of the housework than him still (I am more pedantic about "thorough" cleaning), but it's about 60/40 now instead of 100/0, and our lives are much happier for it. Oh and he cleans the bathtub, and that alone is worth any extra work I do - I truly LOATHE that job!!

 

thank you all for the support,i fell so much better now that i realized i m being silly,and cjeka,you have no idea how much good you sent me ,i felt the hug.i

really needed it.I've being stressed and not thinking strait.XOXO.

Original Post by glamgram:

Ask youself this question -  "am I better off with him or without him"?   only you can answer that one!  Good luck.

Just remember, there are worse men than good fathers that are a little too focused on their hobbies.

Original Post by alineamorim:

Original Post by bootser1:

One thing I have learned by being married is communication is key. Have you talked to him about it...I let my hubby know I will not clean up after him. we have one day a week where we both clean together and then if we want anything else clean we have to individually do it.  I refuse to pick up after my hubby and I rarely cook for him. I cook my own meals and he does his.....Hope your able to talk about it and find what works for your family....

 you are very lucky to have a understandable man.maybe i just need  to be more bitchyLaughing.thanx.

I think it's sad that you equate refusing to pick up after your husband as being bitchy. There is nothing bitchy about expecting your husband to pick up his dirty towels and clothes. You are not a maidservant.

Original Post by moonikins:

Original Post by alineamorim:

Original Post by bootser1:

One thing I have learned by being married is communication is key. Have you talked to him about it...I let my hubby know I will not clean up after him. we have one day a week where we both clean together and then if we want anything else clean we have to individually do it.  I refuse to pick up after my hubby and I rarely cook for him. I cook my own meals and he does his.....Hope your able to talk about it and find what works for your family....

 you are very lucky to have a understandable man.maybe i just need  to be more bitchyLaughing.thanx.

I think it's sad that you equate refusing to pick up after your husband as being bitchy. There is nothing bitchy about expecting your husband to pick up his dirty towels and clothes. You are not a maidservant.

 THAT WAS A JOKE!!! and it's very sad  that i allow myself to do a lot of things i don't want to,and most of all i think its sad that that you took time to reply when you didn't have anything positive to say.but thanks anyway.

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