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The way a father speaks to his daughter


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I have an honest question... Do you think it's ever okay for a father to speak to his 18yo daugher this way?

"She's a **** little bitch"
"You ungrateful piece of crap"

Those are just a couple off the top of my head. First let me explain that while he's heated when he says these things, I am not a bad kid. I'm 18 and about to graduate with my AA degree and in the fall I'm going to the University of Central FL to get my BA in Accounting. All I do is study.

He also tells me he's not proud of me at all. Dissapointed in me. WTF?

This morning when he went off on me and I came in my room not wanting to eat breakfast and just cry instead, that I realized he might be the reason my self esteem is so low, and why I feel like I'm never good enough or pretty enough for guys. Also why I'm having such a hard time with my recent breakup (Dated the guy for 8 months). Maybe I was dependent on that positive male attention. I dont know...

I'm just curious if I should just chalk it up to normal dad behavior or not.

Thanks



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 That does NOT sound like normal dad behavior to me.  My dad had a bit of a tempter too and let it out on us sometimes but he didn't say things like that.  I ended up with a hole in my door and yelling and spitting and I didn't think that was normal either.  Has he been under a lot of stress lately?  That doesn't make it right but that could be part of it.....  I was a good kid too and I just don't know...

Hope it gets better for you. 

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I would have to say that is definitely not normal dad behavior....however, I don't exactly have any kind of relationship with mine so I might not be the best one to try and answer your question.  I actually haven't even spoken to my dad in probably 6 or 7 years (parents got divorced when I was about 6mo old).  He is not a very nice person, and thats putting it nicely.  He randomly moved to Florida to retire when I was in my first year of college.  He didn't tell me, but someone from his practice (he was a doctor) called to let me know.  How sweet.  He refused to come to my wedding by writing me a (rude) letter.  His own sister (who was at my wedding) will not even speak to him anymore.  At least I know that its not just me who he doesn't like...lol

No, it's not ok for your dad to talk to you like that, and it could very well be at least part of the cause of your lack of self esteem. Just try to ignore him, avoid him when hes angry, and DO NOT take what he says to heart, because he is definately wrong. Hope things get better for you and God bless!

From my experience with my own father when I was 18, no way. Is there someone you trust and could talk to about this? A counselor at school or anything?

My mom doesn't seem to find it a problem, which is why I was asking. I could probably talk to someone about it, but I don't know what good that would do? I was mostly just curious =(

It just kind of hit me when I realized the only positive male attention I get is from a boyfriend. No wonder I've cried for 3 weeks.

Thanks guys =)

I just suggested it because it might make you feel better to get things off your chest. It is always great so have an outside opinion, too. :)

 

My thoughts - your mom doesnt seem to find it a problem because its not happening to her.  But it is affecting you, so it is a problem.

Growing up, my step dad would always say things like 'if you were my REAL daughter, you would be _________" (fill in the blank with smarter, nicer, prettier, better behaved, etc).  I was a good student, didnt go out and get drunk/drugged up/pregnant.  I hated when he would say those things to me, and like you said my mom didnt have a problem with it.  My step dad also yelled, screamed, threw things, and did everything but hit us 

If you have someone to talk to - a good friend, a friends parent, a counsellor at school - this might help you.  If you are leaving soon for college, this also might help!  :) 
I think nobody should be judging your father except you and your family members who live with you.  Your dad may be harsh with his language but does he love you? Does he support you? Does he fulfil the role of a father? Only you have the answers.

If after thinking about these and you still think he has very bad influence on you, I'd suggest write him a letter and tell him everything you feel about him. Talking back to him might not be a good idea since he's probably all heated up.
My dad has also cheated on my mom numerous times and I know this has negatively affected my approach to relationships. Do you really think a therapist or counselor could help me work through some of this? I don't want him having this sort of influence on me and my life/happiness anymore.

Yes, I'm going to UCF in August and let me tell you, it cannot come soon enough!

If he's cheated on your mother and is treating you like that, it sounds like he has no respect for the women in his life.  That is not your fault, it is his problem.  A counsellor or therapist could definitely help I think; you may have to try a couple to get one you feel really comfortable talking to.

I don't know what your home situation is like, but it may be easier to get help once you're away at university and have all the student resources at your disposal.  Please look after yourself and remember that you deserve to be happy **hugs**

I'm 28 and my dad still talks to me like that sometimes.  Not very often b/c I don't really give him the opportunity.  It's not normal ADULT behavior.  I also had the same problem with my mom thinking it was no big deal.  Over the last few years I have decided I will not put up with his childish ways.  When he gets angry and spews God knows what from his mouth...I don't listen and usually I don't talk to him for months afterward.  He cannot control what I think of myself.  His opinion is not that important.  MY opinion is what matters.

That being said.  I am 28 and still not married.  I've been dating a guy for over 3 years and he is very aware of my "daddy issues" and stands behind me in all of my decisions when it comes to my dad.  I went to counseling for a few years and it did help me to realize why I had such a low self esteem...it sounds like you're already figuring it out.  I have never talked back to my dad b/c it would just make the situation worse.  I will never tell my dad what I think of the things he says b/c I wouldn't want to hurt him.  BUT this does not mean that I have to expose myself to it.  I do love my dad, but I have to put myself first sometimes.

It has been a long road for me to get to this place in my life.  I hope that you can find support from someone else...be it a councelor or a friend.  The support is really what gets you through b/c that's all you really need from your dad right now and he's not giving it.  Just remember, he's forcing you to be the adult in the relationship.  You need to find a way to show him that he is acting inappropriately.  Mine is to not talk for a few months.  It still doesn't get me an apology, but it keeps the peace for another few months.  Most importantly, don't believe anything he says to you.  He's just spewing word vomit and its not even worth listening to.  Good luck!  Let me know if you need anything!  **hugs**

 

I hate to say it, but in my household it is normal behaviour.  I've made it pretty clear to other forumers that my dad does have mental issues, though.  Maybe there's something going on in your father's head you don't know about?

I spent several years severely undereating because he makes me afraid to even be downstairs where all of the food is, and he often barks at me to get out of the fridge and go jog around the block or something, because I'm so "disgustingly fat".  He just came back from the hospital and is still slightly medicated, and even mentioned to my fiance this morning how proud he is of my weight loss, and he invites me downstairs to have breakfast with him.

If there's no possibly way of getting him help (expressing your concerns in a letter to his family doctor, who can maybe refer him to a psychologist or a counselor), you can either let him get to you or muster up the courage to battle against him.  It's hard, it really is, to continue living your life, trying to ignore the hurtful things that're said, but eventually he'll realise he can't effect you and lose his sense of power.

That's verbal abuse.

I would NEVER talk to my sons that way...or a daughter if I had one. Just because you are female doesn't give anyone the right to call you the female dog word.  Perhaps you need to sit down with your mom and dad and calmly and rationally tell them that when you are spoken to this way it deeply hurts you and ask that there is a change in your family.  Words are sometimes more hurtful than a beating. I am sorry you are treated this way.

Absolutely not normal!!!   Sadly, this sounds an awful lot like my dad and this is why I have very little to do with him now.  He calls me names, not to my face so I can confront him, but behind my back to my aunt (his sister) as well as to my sister.  He must think they never tell me. My Grandma lives with him and his wife and Grandma is the only reason I don't tell him that I know all he says about it.  She gets so upset if we fight.   So I mainly just keep my distance (he lives 7 hours away) and call or write a couple times a month, mainly so I can communicate with Grandma though.

I'm 40 and it no longer bothers me too much.  I have a FABULOUS step-dad and that's all the Daddy I need.  Sometimes I wish Dad was different, but he won't change and so I had to change how I looked at things.

All you can do is exactly what kell115 said - ignore what comes out of his mouth because it's just not the truth and you know it.  And YOUR opinion of you is all that matters.  You know the truth.

I agree with some sort of counseling, espec. once you get away to school and have lots of resources available to you.  It helped me immensely and I wish I'd done it sooner. 

Sadly, I married "my dad" with my first hubby.  But then through counseling, I learned a lot, and made a far better choice with my current (and last!!) DH.  We've been together about 11 1/2 years and will be married for 10 years in June.

(((HUGS)))

I think counceling is going to be best to avoid what kallie was talking about...you don't want to marry someone like him.  My first long term relationship was with someone just like my dad.  That's when I figured out I needed counceling.  Its strange how we pick the qualities we hate most, but I've learned my lesson and have a wonderful BF now.  (who also likes to make fun of my past choices in men...I'm glad we can laugh about it now!)

Although I'm a young father, my daughter is only 20 months old, I could never imagine talking to her (Alivia) in the way you girls describe your father talking to you... Honestly, it kinda bothers me. How could a father treat his daughter that way? This is a perfect example of bad parenting in the very worst way, IMO. A father is supposed to be an example to his daughter and show her the way a man is supposed to treat her. If he is constantly putting her down, the girl will subconsioucly (bad speller) think that this is the way all guys are, and that its okay for a man to treat her with disrespect.

A man should teach his daughter how to be independent,  to be strong and couragous. He should take her fishing, boating or teach her how to play team sports. The same that a father would do with his son... A man shouldn't criticize his daughter in a negative way, EVER.

Before my daughter was born, I always said that having a daughter would drive me nuts. I would say stupid things like; "I want a boy because I'm going to teach him all thing things my father taught me". Most men do not know how to raise a daughter but I believe that having a daughter has made me more of a man... Having a girl is no different than having a son. I'm going to teach her all the things my father taught me... 

It has to be hard to respect a man who talks to you that way, but do you respect your father? Everything works in circles, so if you are disrepectful to your father, his behavior (even though its not acceptable) could be coming from a broken heart... Do you say or do things that have hurt your dad? Here's a quote from a really good book called Wild at Heart: "So when a woman attacks a man's masculine strength, she brings about his worst fear. Now he withdraws. He backfires, and his wounded heart must be healed."

You see, a Man's deepest fear is failure. So if your father feels as if he's a failure, maybe you should be the "adult" and try to help him.

Buy the Book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters or Wild at Heart and give it to him somehow. If he likes to read, maybe he'll gain a new perspective.
I feel so bad for some of you women... I'm sorry.

Some guys are just flat out ignorant. Unfortunately, in your cases, its someone that you love the most... There's more to life than providing a roof over your head and a meal on the table. I can imagine that fathers like yours would think thats all they need to do in order to raise a family...

As long as my daugther and I are together, even if our house was under a bridge, we would be happy.. My babies mom.. That's another story. There's no pleasing misrable people!

No, it is NOT normal... the very best word I can find to describe it is controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive... and the fact that you have to even ask if it's 'normal' says that it's been going on for far too long. :( Abuse doesn't have to include physical violence to be bad. Your mom doesn't see it as 'a problem' becuase she's been living with it for so long that she doesn't even 'see' it any more - she's been brainwashed into thinking that that is 'normal' behaviour. I very much doubt that he's sweetness and light to everyone else and saving it all for you... from everything you say in your other messages, I have one piece of advice - get out of there as soon as you possibly can, and in the meantime, make like a duck - let anything he says just wash over your back without penetrating. He's not saying it about YOU in particular... if somebody else was in your position, he'd be saying it to them and it would mean just as much/little.

My father can be very verbally abusive and angry - but he never EVER directed it towards me or my brother. Even so, living with his temper was very hard. In his case it's a sign of his lousy childhood and his personal issues that he never really dealt with... not a reflection on us. (he has alcohol problems and since he wasn't able to control himself, my mother had to do it for him, and of course that made for other issues in their relationship and they don't believe in therapy...) They've been together for forty years and they've kind of figured out a relationship, but that doesn't make it a healthy one.

Yes, you should see a therapist because living in that environment for 18 years has affected you in many ways... you need to figure out how to live YOUR life, not theirs. You do NOT want to end up going from bad relationship to bad relationship because you think that that's how men are 'supposed' to treat women, or that that's just what you should expect... a good therapist will help you to figure out what's your emotional baggage and what's someone elses, and you can offload some of yours and make a healthy and happy life for yourself - otherwise it might come back to hit you in the face in the future.

 

Actually that's exactly how my father talks to me. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to be alone in the house with him because I'm scared he's going to blow up at something I do. He even denies that he does things like that when my mother confronts him about it.

And no, it's not okay for your father to say things like that. No daughter should ever be honestly frightened of her father because there's the chance that he'll say such hurtful things.

Its not OK behavior.  My dad talks to me like that too.  He talks to his dog nicer than he talks to me or my son.  To my husband, he is nice.  To me, I am a piece of crap.

 

I just try not to talk to him anymore.  His bad.

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