Weight Gain
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Fear of "pigging out"


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I am pretty sure this has to do with me not wanting to losoe control...AGAIN WITH THE CONTROL ISSUES, but I keep telling myself it's okay to eat whatever I want how much I want.  I need to restore weight....nothing is off limits.  Yet here I am, wanting to eat pints of ice cream nightly (yet to do it though), almost went through half a jar of peanut butter in 4 days, etc, taking larger than normal portions (portion distortion)...

I feel like me telling myself I need to gain weight is my reason for trying to justify "over eating", "pigging out", and "gluttony"

and I don't know if it's my eating disorder telling me that or if it's my logical self.  I think it's both.

I feel like a glutton.  and when I hear "You ate the amount a normal person would" i hear "You over ate like every other american, you eat too much high cal foods and made wrong food choices.  Welcome to stereotypical america.  you failed." and stuff like that.

 

grrr...anyone feel this way too?

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I feel the exact same way, and sadly have no words of wisdom to help alleviate those feelings of gluttony and pigging out.

Everyone that has told me that I need to eat more, or that I'm too scrawny, a toothpick, or whatever other insults they choose to use has weight problems themselves (bordering from mildly overweight to obese).  That alone causes my ED to scream at me saying if I eat more or eat 'normally' that I will just end up like everyone else.

 

And I've taken to spooning natural peanut butter straight into my gluttonous mouth on occasion... how is that 'eating like a normal person'?

#2  
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regarding the peanut butter spooning, I prefer my pb. vessel to be edible, like a banana or bread.  Spoons just taste...too...spoony? lol

my friends have all gained and maintained the college 15-50 (varies) and they tell me the same thing.  it's a stressful nightmare.

 

on a lighter note...chunky or smooth pb?  I try to avoid smooth peanut butter like the plague.  CHUNKY is where it is at! lol.

Well it is more than certain that this is your ED talking. I know many a people that when they get a pint of Ben & Jerry's it is gone within an hour, that isn't that much food when you think about it only 16 ounces. Your body is in a deep state of malnourishment it wants and NEEDS all the food it can get, this is why your mind is telling you that you want large quantities of food. Keep in mind that food is your medicine and it is the only way you are going to get your weight restored. You feel like a glutton because you are use to eating very little, and "normal" amounts of food seem rather large. I will reassure you that half a jar of peanut butter in 4 days is not a lot. That rate simply translates to about 2 servings a day which isn't much at all, that is probably close to the average persons PB&J sandwich, nobody uses only two tablespoons.

Well normally it starts with me spooning some of it onto my yogurt and cottage cheese combo/clif bar/oatmeal... but then I usually end up eating more just off the spoon (just for the plain yummy flavor of the peanut butter, before it goes to work its magic with my other food).  

And I LOVELOVELOVE natural chunky! It's my favourite, but the store I bought this jar from had Kraft Natural on sale and it only comes in a smooth paste.  I remedied the situation though I mixed in smashed cashews to make it chucky (Wish I had peanuts on hand at the time... C'est domage).

 

@Frank:  Wouldn't it be healthier to gain on healthy foods?  Instead of things such as cakes, cookies and the like (although I hate to classify foods as good/bad, it's not hard to say a piece of salmon has more nutritional value to our bodies than a box of doughnuts/pint of ice cream would) 

Omg this is EXACTLY EXACTLY how i feel! i'm sooooooo worried that im  going to turn into this huge fat pig and im craving alot of chocolate so i brought some low kcal hot chocolate to make the cravings go away ( which is probably wrong because there are only 40kcals per satchet of hot chocolate and compeared to a chocolate bar thats a big difference. )

Anyway i know how you feel totally i keep saying to myself when i eat 'my body needs this food' its my 4th proper day of recovery and i swear ive ate more in those 4 days than what i would of done for a week :/

Im so worried about turning into a huge fat pig. and ALWAYS ALWAYS say to myself im going to restrict tomorrow but then when it comes i crave something and thats it!

because apart of me thinks 'Oh i need this' and another part of me thinks 'no you shouldnt have that.'

Grrr.

#6  
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my ice cream craving hit me hard today, and as much as I thought it was wrong, I went ahead and had a personal serving cup of banana split flavored ice cream (very tasty) for dessert after lunch.  It's a food rule that I broke (no ice cream/desserts after lunch or so early in the day.  That's what fat people do) but i said I WANT IT! and after much internal struggle, I gave in and ate it.

that's kinda what provoked me to start this thread.  But now that I am allowing myself to eat more and more sweets and stuff, i feel that I have failed in eating a healthy diet.  It's all I ever think of (desserts and sweets) and it's driving me up a wall.  I like and want healthy foods too, but Im really craving ice cream.  I want to satisfy my cravings, but I keep feeling that it is wrong and that I am eating too much of "forbidden food" (even though I am trying not to see food as good/bad allowed/forbidden)

seriosuly if u only ate ice cream it wud be bad but i asume ur eating 3 meals which are balanced so it doesnt matter, i eat whole tubs of ice cream !!

2-4 choc bars in sittings !!

 

ur body needs it, just keep saying that !!!

yes, of course you need to eat your proteins and balanced meals but you need to put things in your diet such as cookie, cakes and things that you enjoy.

#9  
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It sounds like you have the knowledge, but are lacking the true desire.  When you get your mind set that "I can and will do this", then it will happen.  Good luck to you.  No one said it would be easy, but all that have say it was worth it. Smile

thanks.  I am dedicated, but my self doubt is so much stronger and when I ignore it,it bites back 2x as hard.  I doubt myself in everything and anything.

Like going out for ice cream, I wanted to tonight, but I went twice this week already and I keep having these rationals go though my head "YOU ARE GOING WAY TO OFTEN!, GO TOO MUCH AND IT WONT BE SPECIAL ANYMORE!  THIS IS THE WRONG WAY TO RESTORE WEIGHT! YOUR EATING TOO MUCH JUNK AND WRONG FOOD! IT WONT BE A SPECIAL TREAT IF YOU GO TO OFTEN!"

ugh, I wish we were born with a brain turn off switch.  Recovery is hard.  Hell, sometimes I even doubt that I need recovery and I'm just using this as an excuse to eat more junk and more food in general...i guess that means I do need recovery (at least I can recognize it, kinda!)

 Ohh, if I had the time, I'd dig through my old posts. What you described is EXACTLY the same fear I had. I thought my metabolism was too slow, that I didn't "deserve" all that food. But you know what..that made it WORSE. Not to mention the fact I was likely attempting to restrict and control these cravings, which cerrainly didn't help matters. I wish early on I had just let myself "pig out". You know what happens once your body is done recovering? Those extreme hunger signals fade away. You'll notice gradually that you won't want as much ice cream and other goodies. Pretty soon, you'll be able to have smaller portions and still feel satisfied. But the only way you'll get there is if you release all control and let your body decide for itself. I know it's hard to put trust in your body, but I assure you it knows what to do.

Hang in there man! It will get better, I promise :)

Good to know others feel this way.

I particularly don't want my CHILDREN to become gluttonous typical Americans.  Isn't that horrible?  That the average American is almost detestable to me?

I know that some people are overweight for medical reasons and whatnot.  My two best friends are considered obese. 

But when I picture the typical American in a supermarket (I even look at what other people have in their carts when shopping and mentally judge them!) the picture I get is an overweight person with slightly too small clothing - with two cases of soda, no milk or juice, and a cart full of bags of potato chips, boxes of macaroni and cheese, frozen pizzas and microwave dinners.  And their lunch consists of going to McDonald's or Burger King - every day.

I must admit that I find it offensive when these types of people complain about being overweight.  I do keep my mouth shut.  My two best friends do fit in this category.  One is vegan but has a diet of mainly fried foods and wonders why she doesn't lose weight.  The other was raised on the typical American diet but fully admits she doesn't eat healthy. 

The vegan is on the verge of being diabetic but doesn't heed the warnings of her doctor.  The other had gestational diabetes (diabetes only during pregnancy for you dudes out there) and almost died giving birth.

What irritates me is that all these 'normal' people can tell me to eat something, but the instant I tell them they shouldn't eat something - I'm insensitive and a ****.  What if the next person that told me to gain some weight, I was to say they needed to lose some weight?  Think that would win me any new friends?

Twwyckoff - don't worry about pigging out.  If there's one thing we 'skinny' people must have over the 'normal' person, it's will power.  Once we've gotten to a healthy weight we can slowly remove some of the 'bad stuff'. 

I've even been eating things with trans fats!  That's my biggie.  We don't buy anything with partially hydrogenated oils, mainly because one of our kids has ADHD and that affects it - but the health risks associated with them is tremendous!

Twwyckoff - don't worry about pigging out.  If there's one thing we 'skinny' people must have over the 'normal' person, it's will power.  Once we've gotten to a healthy weight we can slowly remove some of the 'bad stuff'.

 

that's what a few therapists I have seen he told me.  Things like I AM GOOD AT HAVING A STRONG WILLPOWER and I WOULD BE BLOWN OVER IF YOU EVER OT FAT yet I feel that my willpower makes me miserable because it is backed by my E.D. and not self discapline.  Lately though I have been giving myself more "permisson" to "pig out" i.e. eat large quantities of ice cream and/or other foods that I like (pizza, pasta, cheeses, etc...)

I feel horrible, but try to ignore the guilt, but I think that isn't right.  I need to address it i think, otherwise I'll ignore until it goes away over and over until I have a major health crisis like over weight or some sort f fat/cholesterol issue w/ my heart?

ugh.. im 23 and I'm worrying about that kinda crap?  seriously?

 

But when I picture the typical American in a supermarket (I even look at what other people have in their carts when shopping and mentally judge them!) the picture I get is an overweight person with slightly too small clothing - with two cases of soda, no milk or juice, and a cart full of bags of potato chips, boxes of macaroni and cheese, frozen pizzas and microwave dinners.  And their lunch consists of going to McDonald's or Burger King - every day.

OMG I PICTURE THE SAME THING! And then they have a pudgy little fat boy with them drinking a liter of Mt. Dew and has a spare tire/muffin top...OMG IM A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR SAYING THAT, but it's true.  ANd since I worked at a grocery store when I graduated highschool, I saw this scene ALL too often.  That I think was a big catalyst/motivator for me to get healthier and thus propelled me into my eating disorder....me being judgemental like that and saying "I WILL NEVER BE LIKE THAT!!!!"

 

I really think that while I am told that people with e.d. are very kind compasionate people, i always thought I (if not a of others) were some of the harshest, most critical people ever based on superficial and image based judgements...at least I am.  No offense meant to anyone.

Original Post by twwyckoff:

I really think that while I am told that people with e.d. are very kind compasionate people, i always thought I (if not a of others) were some of the harshest, most critical people ever based on superficial and image based judgements...at least I am.  No offense meant to anyone.

 I would say that it works both ways.  Integrity is my favorite personality trait, which leads me to be an extremely altruistic person.

However, having three children, I am not so sweet with them.  I have an extremely high competitive drive and have to remind myself not to be so harsh and critical with their performances athletic-wise.  I once competed with full-blown bronchitis which caused me to hyperventilate, but I had to finish. 

When I see my children give up I have to turn away.  Although the youngest came in 4th place in a cross country meet against about 500 others, woohoo!

I feel I am judgmental of 'people' as a whole, but not individual persons.  The general 'mass' is detestable, but I can see the good in everyone I meet. 

I shouldn't feel so bad about it.  People see me and judge me or make incorrect assumptions.  Right now I look like I have cancer.  Bald head, skinny frame, I'm sure I look sickly.  Before the bald head I got branded anorexic.  Had one teacher in school basically call me out in the middle of class saying I was anorexic.  Friends laughed about it later because at that time I ate more than any one of them.

When you're skinny, people say mean and hurtful things to your face without realizing it.  In group photos, nobody wanted to stand next to me because I made them look fat.  Yeah.  Thanks, 'friends'.

you make an awesome point about it working both ways and seeing to good in everyone but bein disgustipated (is that a word? lol) at the masses.

Speaking of photos, it's weird how they work.  I look at myself and I see fat (or ona good day) a healthy looking skinny guy, but for instance, I have a family photo that was taken last wednesday of me, my folks, my sis and her fiance at dinner, and I look so emaciated...so...gaunt and unhealthy...it makes me sick.

It makes me wonder what others think of me when they see me, and do they see te same gaunt faced sickly looking guy I did?

also, sometimes I'm afraid to loose my gaunt sickly look..again...for a lot of reasons (I wont b able to eat as much, I wont have the issues I have now, so I have more time to dedicate to getting my life back...though I don't know what that would be because anorexia has and still is a part if not my whole life)

that sucks about your "friends".  I never thought people would do things like THAT (i don't wanna stand next to the skinny gal!) NOW THAT makes me sick.

hugs!

Original Post by twwyckoff:

you make an awesome point about it working both ways and seeing to good in everyone but bein disgustipated (is that a word? lol) at the masses.

Speaking of photos, it's weird how they work.  I look at myself and I see fat (or ona good day) a healthy looking skinny guy, but for instance, I have a family photo that was taken last wednesday of me, my folks, my sis and her fiance at dinner, and I look so emaciated...so...gaunt and unhealthy...it makes me sick.

It makes me wonder what others think of me when they see me, and do they see te same gaunt faced sickly looking guy I did?

also, sometimes I'm afraid to loose my gaunt sickly look..again...for a lot of reasons (I wont b able to eat as much, I wont have the issues I have now, so I have more time to dedicate to getting my life back...though I don't know what that would be because anorexia has and still is a part if not my whole life)

that sucks about your "friends".  I never thought people would do things like THAT (i don't wanna stand next to the skinny gal!) NOW THAT makes me sick.

hugs!

whats so great about looking like a skeleton?

What do you think the "normal" american see's when they look at an anorexic  person? One who fills their cart with fat free etc. They see someone who is out of control,destructive,has problems,fear for them etc. Either extreme is not healthy but I would say many here are at more risk of health problems then those people who overeat and are overweight. Anorexia has one of the highest death rates.

Anyhow it does not have to be about being over or underweight. You can live in a middle healthy ground. You can have your cake but also have fruit so to speak. So many fears you have of what the future will be like will not come true. Fear of becoming overweight or overeating on an every day basis will probably not happen.

It is better to focus on today and what you need to do.

Original Post by abbi333:

What do you think the "normal" american see's when they look at an anorexic  person?

"Somebody give that girl a sandwich!"

I'm not afraid of becoming overweight, and twwyckoff - you shouldn't either.  I worry the same as what abbi said, that the people on here are more at risk than an overweight person.

I actually HATE fat free anything.  Hate it when my husband buys it.  He doesn't as much anymore because he's trying to help me gain.  Meat is my favorite food!  I have no fears of becoming obese.

Twwyckoff - don't have fears - go pig out!!!  I'm trying to pig out every day!  I think even a 'normal' person should pig out often, but not a daily thing.  We aren't normal people yet, and until we are - pig out!!!

Original Post by twwyckoff:

I am pretty sure this has to do with me not wanting to losoe control...AGAIN WITH THE CONTROL ISSUES, but I keep telling myself it's okay to eat whatever I want how much I want.  I need to restore weight....nothing is off limits.  Yet here I am, wanting to eat pints of ice cream nightly (yet to do it though), almost went through half a jar of peanut butter in 4 days, etc, taking larger than normal portions (portion distortion)...

I feel like me telling myself I need to gain weight is my reason for trying to justify "over eating", "pigging out", and "gluttony"

and I don't know if it's my eating disorder telling me that or if it's my logical self.  I think it's both.

I feel like a glutton.  and when I hear "You ate the amount a normal person would" i hear "You over ate like every other american, you eat too much high cal foods and made wrong food choices.  Welcome to stereotypical america.  you failed." and stuff like that.

 

grrr...anyone feel this way too?

i have to literally stuff myself to keep the weight on my metabolism is abnormally fast

 

Edited Jul 17 2011 12:34 by coach_k
Original Post by archy_anon:

Original Post by abbi333:

What do you think the "normal" american see's when they look at an anorexic  person?

"Somebody give that girl a sandwich!"

I'm not afraid of becoming overweight, and twwyckoff - you shouldn't either.  I worry the same as what abbi said, that the people on here are more at risk than an overweight person.

I actually HATE fat free anything.  Hate it when my husband buys it.  He doesn't as much anymore because he's trying to help me gain.  Meat is my favorite food!  I have no fears of becoming obese.

Twwyckoff - don't have fears - go pig out!!!  I'm trying to pig out every day!  I think even a 'normal' person should pig out often, but not a daily thing.  We aren't normal people yet, and until we are - pig out!!!

I have been trying to pig out, by taking larger portions than usual.  Specially the peanut butter jar lol.  Though sometimes I feel what I take as a pig out portion would be a "normal" portion to anyone else, but yet then my ed comes and says "Normal as in a healthy portion or normal as in a typical american who over eats and suffers from severe portion distortion"

 

i still don't know.  But i am afraid ill be a victim of portion distortion (im already getting used to taking LARGE amounts of food, that once I regain weight I don't need, but I don't want to stop out of habbit and that scares me, habbitual and chronic overeating)

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