I know this sounds really weird, but it's kind of the way that I feel. I have been fat ever since I was a young child, and the thought of NOT being fat is kind of scary. My jeans seem to be ever so slightly loser, and whenever I think of this, I feel a little bit afraid. I know how stupid that sounds, but there you go. I guess that being fat has been a part of my life for my entire life, and now that I am actually committed to changing that, it's frightening. It's like I won't know how to deal with myself if I actually waste away to normal.
I don't think it's weird. Everyone has their reasons for losing weight and it's more complicated than just wanting to be "skinny."
I started journaling again last week and one thing I realized was that I was a little afraid of losing the rest of my weight. Aside from my posts here, I am kindof an introvert. I don't like being noticed all the time and I certainly don't like people to know "what's going on with me." If I get to my goal weight (lose 25 more pounds) people will be able to tell I have been trying to lose weight. They will notice my body...they will notice me. After always being a little overweight it is scary.
Your feelings are totally valid.
What is your motivation for losing weight in the first place?
I think a lot of us with a lot to lose get afraid of it. To me, it's impossible to even think about what I'd even look like or feel like at a healthy weight, because I've been big my entire life. But in the end, my motivation is stronger than my fear of not keeping comfy in the skin and weight I am.
There's a thread that you may want to visit. It's Girls in their 20's who want to lose about 100 pounds. I know that you have less than 100 to lose, but this is a topic that people bring up sometimes (and all sorts of other things too). There are a couple people in there that tend to plateau after about 20-30 pound losses, partly because of that fear. And I know that plenty of people go to type their weight and instead put in old weights first. Like, 255 instead of 225.
I can totally relate. I've lost a lot of weight over the years. Off and on. I once lost 50 lbs and then I started feeling scared and insecure and I let the weight come back. I sabotaged myself.
Now I am down 65 lbs and I am starting to feel that insecurity coming back. I am trying like hell to be strong and just give myself a chance to know what it feels like to be smaller and learn to accept and even love it.
The reason I do this I think is sort of complex. I'm sure we all have our own reasons though, so it will probably be totally different for you.
The fat has been my security blanket for so long. It keeps people away from me. I have somewhat of a social phobia, so I do not like to be the center of attention and as I start to lose weight, I start to notice men "checking me out" and it fills me with anxiety and insecurity. As long as I was fat, I didn't have to deal with this that often, so I felt safe. Please do not think that I am arrogant or anything. It's not like men check me out all the time lmao. It doesn't matter though. It could be 1 man in a month and I would feel that same thing and it doesn't just go away.
In general I have a hard time trusting people. I was molested when I was a child and so it was soon after that that I started to gain some of my weight. As I said, it feels like a security blanket and without it I almost feel naked.
It's something I want to overcome. I have to. I am not getting thin to be hot and sexy. I just want to be healthy.
I'm a little anxious because... I don't know how I'll look skinny, you know?
Like... what if my head is too big for my body, and I never noticed because my body was always so big?
I can definitely relate to that. For those of us who have been overweight for our entire lives; weight has, quite literally, been a barrier between us and everyone else.
The thought of going without is intimidating. and yes, scary. But ultimately thrilling.
I'm a little afraid. I've been overweight my entire life and its almost like being the fat one is sort of a part of my identity. Its weird, I have spent my whole life trying to rid myself of the fat, but if its gone, then it almost wont seem like me. Unfortunately so many things in my life have been defined by my weight so not having that extra weight will force me to rethink everything.
The good thing is that no matter how scared we are, we know deep down that a healthier life is a better life. We know that this will be a positive change, but the anticipation is just crazy.
Wow, a lot of good responses! A lot of the things you guys have said sound like things I've thought.
amber: "Aside from my posts here, I am kindof an introvert. I don't like being
noticed all the time and I certainly don't like people to know "what's
going on with me." If I get to my goal weight (lose 25 more pounds)
people will be able to tell I have been trying to lose weight. They
will notice my body...they will notice me. After always being a little
overweight it is scary. "
That is exactly how I am. I am definitely an introvert, and I never like to be the center of attention. I even feel awkward when someone tells me that they can tell I've lost weight. It's a lot easier to be overlooked when you're fat. As for why I want to lose weight, well, part of it is that I want to be healthy, but the main reason is that I want to look better and feel better about myself. I don't have much self-confidence and being fat is the main reason for that, I think.
liza: "To me, it's impossible to even think about what I'd even look like or feel like at a healthy weight, because I've been big my entire life." That's how I am! I can't really imagine what my face would look like, not to mention everything else! I think it's a little different for those of us who have always been overweight. I've never known what it's like to be "normal" in this regard, so of course it's scary. I'll definitely check out that thread.
gingin: "The fat has been my security blanket for so long. It keeps people away
from me. I have somewhat of a social phobia, so I do not like to be the
center of attention and as I start to lose weight, I start to notice
men "checking me out" and it fills me with anxiety and insecurity. As
long as I was fat, I didn't have to deal with this that often, so I
felt safe. Please do not think that I am arrogant or anything. It's not
like men check me out all the time lmao. It doesn't matter though. It
could be 1 man in a month and I would feel that same thing and it
doesn't just go away."
Wow, that's exactly how I feel! Especially the part about men. Oh my goodness, I am just the same way. I get really afraid and I just want to run away, even if it's someone I find attractive! It's like I feel hideously fat and ugly and I don't want anyone to look at me, and I'm afraid they're going to think I'm nasty, and I just want to get myself out of the situation as soon as possible. I am kind of afraid that when I do lose weight, I will still have these same hang ups. And while I know how to lose weight, I don't know how to get over that sort of thing.
victoria: Haha, yeah, I am tall and big-boned as well as fat, and I'm afraid that I'm going to look weird even when I've lost weight.
caloriecountess: You're right about it having been a barrier. It's easier to keep people away, easier to have an excuse, but things will be different with weight loss... And it is thrilling. Most definitely!
jessica: "I'm a little afraid. I've been overweight my entire life and its
almost like being the fat one is sort of a part of my identity. Its
weird, I have spent my whole life trying to rid myself of the fat, but
if its gone, then it almost wont seem like me. Unfortunately so many
things in my life have been defined by my weight so not having that
extra weight will force me to rethink everything."
That's true for me, too. Being fat is definitely a part of my identity. I think that in my head I may very well always be the fatty, the fat chick, or what have you... I'm hoping that as I lose weight that will change.
i can totally relate gingin....i lost about 40 pounds and at first i liked the attention...and now i am scared out of my mind!!!! Recently, everytime a relative an co-worker compliments me , or even if I notice a guy checking-me-out...I start to have a panic feeling, and a sickness in my stomach. Why is this happening to me!!!??? Ive been overweight my entire life, and was always ridiculed, it was awful. And now when I am doing something about it...i still feel awful..why????? I never received attention from men before, not even a second glance- Maybe it will be easier to gain the weight back......
It's a scary thing, but I think it's something we can get over. Do not give up out of fear. I've done that so many times. Everytime I am on a roll and my goals are within reach, I do something to mess it up and I do it without even thinking about it. I am tired of fear running my life. I am down 70 lbs now and it's really scary, but at the same time, I've never felt better. I do get nervous when guys check me out, but I think it's because a part of me doesn't know if they are looking at me to make fun of me or because they really think I am pretty. I am trying to not worry about it either way. I don't care. I am beyond all of that. I will do it this time!
Thank you for bringing up your fears, sasquatch7...and also, thanks for the replies, especially, gingin35! You brought out so many things I feel as well, and I know it is keeping me from losing any more weight...
It is so good to find a forum that addresses not only the basics of calorie intake and excercise, but also, what is going on in the head that makes this a WHOLE process and not just an instant fix...I think I am going to like this site and hopefully, reach my goals finally!
The only thing I'm afraid of of loosing weight is that I'm afraid it becomes an obsession. And I loose more than I need/want to. I have 2 relatives who fell into ED because of wanting to loose weight. It's sorta scary.
Ok, so I thought i was the only one that felt that way. I have actually been afraid to say something because I thought it sounded crazy. I like being in the back and not really having any one notice my body. I'm very veluptous and I know when I loose weight it will be even more obvious. I'm really scared.
I always sway how I wanna look good in my clothes and how I know I need to lose weight and all of that, but it seems like when the weight started coming off I went into some sort of panic. I know that I was self- sabatoging. I knew it but didn't really understand it until much later down the line.
I really do want to lose this weight. egerytime I go to the doctor my blood pressure is up. I don't want to take blood pressure meds. I have alot of friends taking blood pressure meds but I don't want to join the crowd.
I need support I really do. I try to be positive for me like I am for other but it is so hard.
I hope we can help each other.
I started losing weight last April. It eventually became a habit of making sure to eat meals and snacks, but not to care much abouut what I was eating, or to enjoy it too much. I limited the variety of what I ate. It became a lifestyle. I didn't weigh myself--just kept losing. Then people started telling me I was too thin. According to medical guidelines I was not too thin.
But I began feeling "bony" and decided I should gain some weight. After not bingeing or eating desserts for over a year (and not missing them), I started eating donuts and ice cream, a lot of them. No, I didn't eat the regular healthy meals I was used to. It was like I wasn't used to being thin and felt I needed to gain wait. I went too far.
I packed on 30 pounds quickly and now feel terrible--big stomach, hip pain returned, etc. I tap dance and clog dance and most of those people only knew me thin. Now I don't want to see people--anyone--until I am thinner. I know this is the wrong attitude. It helps to read this forum.
It's like I can be comfortable losing (although I haven't started again yet) but not maintaining. I wish I wouldn'thave gained all this weight. 10 pounds would have been fine, but once I got started I couldn't make myself stop.